When It All Falls Apart
A/N: See ending authors note.
Disclaimer: I own nothing and am sadly making no profit from any of this. It all belongs to DC Comics and the titles belong to the respective artists who sing them.
She should be feeling excited. She should be feeling overjoyed. She should be feeling so many good things right now. Instead she was feeling distraught. Instead she was feeling sad. Instead she was feeling afraid.
She couldn't tell him. She knew it was wrong but right now she couldn't tell him. She doubted she'd be able to handle his reaction. At least not yet. She wouldn't tell him yet; she would keep it secret for now,
She'd thought they'd been careful. Thought that they'd taken every available cautionary measure. She'd taken every pill, every patch, and every shot. She'd chanted every spell and ritual related to the subject. He'd done his part in being careful too. Apparently they hadn't been careful enough. They'd tried so hard because they knew neither of them was ready for this. Ready for a baby.
A baby. A small living, breathing (almost) human being. A baby. A small person that requires so much time and so much attention. A little being that needs to be fed and clothed and diapered. A baby. A small creature that was solely dependent on its caretakers. A baby.
She couldn't have a baby. She was barely more than a baby herself. How could she handle a baby, when she could barely control her own emotions? How could she raise a baby with her powers and her issues? How could and would she take care of it? She knew nothing substantial about babies except that they were noisy and smelly.
She had no experience with mothers or with how one should act. She had no experience in raising children. The monks of Azarath, who barely acknowledged her presence, had raised her. She knew nothing about what a mother was supposed to do, and no idea how to handle all the issues that came with having a child.
More to the point she didn't want one. She had never truly been planning to have children, hence all the precautionary measures. Her own birth and the history behind how she had come to be may not have ruined intimacy for her but it damn sure made her not want to bring a child into the world. What if it inherited her powers, her gifts and her curse? She was afraid of having a child, afraid of having to inflict her forced lifestyle onto another. She was afraid of what would happen if Trigon decided this child should be his new target. Afraid of what other mystical beings might do to a child of hers and by blood a descendant of Trigon. So many 'what if' scenarios raced through her head.
Besides how could she protect the world if she was pregnant? How could she go out and try to take down villains and kick some ass if she was worrying more about losing her child than she was the battle at hand? How could she go out and fight if she was worried that back at home her child wasn't safe, or was in danger? What about her powers? Would she be able to utilize them while pregnant? How would they react to the changes her body would go through? Her emotions were already volatile to begin with, what if she lost control? What if she hurt someone?
How would the rest of the team react? What would they say, what would they do? She knew Robin prided himself on being very moral and very big on keeping your personal life separate from your work. Where exactly did teen pregnancy fall on the morality scale? What would he say about her status on the team?
Starfire didn't worry her. Raven knew that Star loved children and was known to go on and on about the number of small ones she wished to have. Star would stand by her, she knew. Would Cyborg? Her surrogate brother was very protective of her and always tried to look out for her. Would he be excited for her or think that she had messed up her life? Would he think less of her knowing that she was pregnant?
And then there was Gar. Ever since her return they'd spent time getting to know each other again. Telling each other everything. Sharing everything with one another. But how was she to tell him this? How was she to tell him that she was carrying his child? She was surprised that his heightened senses hadn't picked up anything yet. Or did he already know? Would he be happy for her, for them? Or would he think that she had planned this for some reason; think that this was the worst possible thing that could happen to him? Would he want to have a child, want to have a child with her? Did he even want to be a father one day? Would he share her worries about how they would handle this situation? Would he want to raise this child with her? Would he even want to keep it?
The thoughts began to become too much. Too much fear, too much apprehension. Too much, too much, too much! Too much everything. She knew she couldn't do this, knew she couldn't handle this. She couldn't, she couldn't, she couldn't! Not alone. She needed help. She needed guidance. Azar, help her she was lost.
A/N: Okay let's start at the beginning. This is set roughly 4-5 months after 'White Lines'. You don't truly need to read that to understand this, as it's not so much a sequel as it is companion. And yes it is possible, even using all the protection out there to still become pregnant. It can happen to roughly about 1 of the population. Unfortunately BB and Raven are that 1. Now I have to admit this was not purely my idea. I got the idea after reading an interview with George Perez. He talked about Raven and relationships and how she'd deal with sex and somehow I began to wonder about how she'd deal with a baby. Plus I cannot count how many fics out there have Raven get pregnant and just be oh so joyous about it. I mean come on as a child of a teen mother I can tell you that no matter how much you love your partner and all that other stuff being a mother when you're basically still a child is scary. And not necessarily a happy moment. So I decided to address that aspect as well. This story will be considerably longer than 'White Lines' since I want to give insight into how the other Titans are reacting to this news. And since it's following a prior fic where she appeared I may bring Wondergirl into the mix, although I may choose Cassie over Donna. Next chapter Gar gets the news.