The Birds and the Bats

By TheLostMaximoff

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. It's been a long time since I attempted something really humorous. R/R if you enjoy laughing.

He should've seen this coming. He remembers when it came time for his "talk". That had come from Alfred and not one of his parents. It is yet another of those familial traditions that was taken from him. He tries not to be bitter about it.

"Look," says Oracle into his earpiece, "I'm just saying that maybe it's time. I mean I remember when I had 'the talk'.

"She's not you," assures Batman.

"She's not going to learn it any other way," explains Oracle, "Unless you count experience that is. You know experience, that thing you get after it's too late to undo what you did."

"You're being melodramatic," states Batman, "Batgirl's not like you. She barely even wants a normal life at all."

"Yeah but some day things will change," assures Oracle as if she's as wise and sage as her codename implies, "Of course we could wait until we hear about the test results and she's picking out names for the baby."

"Why me?" asks Batman, a question he's uttered too many times to count. He knows that it has to be him. God knows her real father isn't going to handle this. As far as Bruce is concerned, Cassandra Cain doesn't have a father and never had.

"You know what she thinks of you," says Oracle, "You're like a father to her." Both of them know it's true. Batman sighs. He knows that Oracle is making sense but it still doesn't mean he likes it.

"I'll talk to her," assures Batman as he drops into the alley where he parked the Batmobile, "Happy?"

"Ecstatic," replies Oracle as Batman climbs into the car. He's supposed to pick up Batgirl. He figures it's as good a time as any. Bruce tries to remember Alfred's words as he starts up the car. He decides that perhaps approaching the topic of sex in the manner used by an English gentleman isn't exactly going to cut it with Cass. Batman wonders if there's any chance of a breakout at Arkham in the next two minutes. At this point, he's inclined to take any favor he can get.


He's nervous about something. Cass can see it in the way he sits, in the way his eyes unconsciously dart around. She can't recall ever seeing him like this and wonders what exactly is going on. She has always admired him for his courage. Cass is almost the only person alive who can read his underlying fear. Sure Batman gets scared but it doesn't mean he quits. She likes that.

"I think it's time we had a talk," states Batman, his eyes never leaving the road.

"I did . . . something wrong?" asks Batgirl automatically. She feels sad sometimes because she can't exactly measure up. Bruce knows it and instantly stops it cold.

"No, nothing like that," assures Batman, "Oracle thinks we should talk about something." He tries to figure out how best to approach this. He hasn't had time to formulate some of his famous contingency plans. He's not exactly a master at playing things by ear.

"What?" asks Cass.

"Well, most people usually get this talk earlier on in life," explains Batman, "but I'm not positive your father told you this."

"Probably not," says Cass, trying not to sound bitter, "Tell." Bruce lets himself look at her and feels sorry for bringing up her father.

"Well, you're an adolescent," explains Batman, wondering exactly how old she actually is, "Your body changes during adolescence."

"Oracle told me . . . about bleeding," states Batgirl, "We went to the store. No problem." Bruce breathes a sigh of relief because he doesn't find menstruation a subject worth discussing. His peers make jokes about him knowing everything. Bruce understands that some things are better left a mystery.

"Good," says Batman, "That wasn't what I wanted to talk about though." Cass notices his nervousness spike up and wonders what it could be.

"Well, you may also have developed certain urges," explains Bruce, "Have you ever had thoughts about sex?"

"Oh, sex," says Cass simply, "Oracle wanted . . . to talk about it?"

"Yes," replies Batman, "She asked me to talk about it with you. Now answer my question." He sees her squirm in her seat and his mind begins racing. Perhaps she already knows. Perhaps she's done it before. He feels some sort of righteous fury come up from a place inside him he didn't know existed.

"Don't want to," says Cass quietly. She doesn't quite know how to tell Bruce that she gets this funny feeling in her when she's around Tim. It's not like she's sick but in some ways it is. It confuses her and she doesn't want to admit that she thinks the tights look really good on him or that he has a nice chest.

"I'm not buying you that wall scroll you saw in the mall unless you tell me," states Batman.

"No fair," says Cass, "It makes room look nice. Only have one bedroom in cave."

"Then tell," orders Batman.

"Tim," mumbles Cass, "I like Tim."

"You desire him?" asks Batman.

"Don't know," replies Cass truthfully, "Can't tell difference." Something in Bruce suddenly kicks into overdrive. Cass sees the shift, the kind of shift when he suddenly goes into lecture-mode and she feels like what she suspects she would feel like if she was in school.

"It's complicated," says Batman sincerely, "Trust me. However, sex isn't something you should rush into and definitely not something you should do unprepared."

"I know," says Cass, "I know . . . about sex." Batman looks at her and he can tell what she means.

"You've had this talk before?" asks Bruce. Batgirl nods.

"Nightwing . . . let me watch movie," explains Cass, "Bad movie though. All sex and no plot. Music was bad too." Batman slowly assimilates this information as he does with all new information he receives. He comes to the only logical conclusion one could come to and immediately resolves to punch Dick Grayson the next time he and the former Boy Wonder meet.

"He let you watch pornography?" asks Batman in an attempt to make absolutely sure he's on the right track.

"Is that bad?" asks Cass. She doesn't see the huge problem here. She learned pretty much all she needed to learn in around thirty minutes. Dick had watched it with her and was more than willing to answer any questions she had.

"Pornography is a vile, disgusting business," states Batman, feeling a bit like he figures Clark does when the Boy Scout gets on one of his moral high horses.

"We're . . . in trouble?" asks Cass meekly. Batman punches a button on the console, the one that patches a speakerphone into Oracle's line.

"Where's Nightwing?" asks Batman, attempting to remain calm.

"Sitting on my couch," replies Oracle, "I take it you wish to speak to him."

"Now," states Batman. There's some noise over the line as, presumably, Dick walks over to the phone while Barbara wheels back to let closer.

"What's up?" asks Nightwing.

"Batgirl and I were having a conversation," explains Batman, "Your name came up while I was explaining 'the facts of life'."

"Oh geez," mutters Dick, "I told her to keep that a secret."

"I did," pipes up Cass, "I keep for one whole year."

"I'm going to kill you for this," states Batman, "What were you thinking exposing her to that trash?"

"Oh c'mon, Bruce," replies Nightwing, "It was purely educational. I figured somebody had to teach Cassie this stuff. Cass, back me up here. You learned it all, right?"

"Yep," agrees Cass, "Bad movie but good teacher."

"You didn't think I'd tell her all this?" asks Batman, "You didn't think I would or Oracle would or even Alfred would?"

"You guys would've just told her all that stuff," explains Nightwing, "You would've brought in all these books and used technical crap. You can't teach Cass like that. You have to let her see it in action."

"He's right," agrees Cass, "We tried book. I only liked pictures. He said movie was . . . better way to learn." It occurs to Cass that they've arrived at her cave. She's thankful that she can get out of the car because it suddenly feels extremely small.

"See, no harm done," assures Dick, "You really have to lighten up, Bruce."

"We're going to have a talk about this," assures Batman as he pulls into the cave, "I better not hear about anything else like this happening again." He gets the final say just like he always does. Cass feels the heat in her cheeks as Batman turns his gaze upon her.

"I'm sorry," says Cass, "I didn't know."

"If you have any more questions concerning this matter then talk to me," says Bruce as he lets her out of the car, "I'd rather you get the information from an adult and not an adult film."

"I know," says Batgirl as she looks at him, "Thanks." She says it because she can tell he wants to protect her. He's a good father whether he knows it or not. She hopes he does know it. Cass watches the Batmobile leave her cave. She notices Robin standing off to the side.

"Did I come at a bad time?" asks Tim.

"No," assures Cass, "We had . . . a talk. It didn't go as planned."

"Ah, I see," replies Robin, "Well, I had a surprise for you." She feels that funny feeling in her stomach again. It's a weird, tingly sensation that shoots across her whole body.

"Show me," says Cass as she takes off her mask. Tim takes her hand and leads her to her bedroom. She doesn't have that many real rooms in this place but the bedroom is one of them. She really wants it to feel more like a real place and less like a cave. That was why she wanted to buy some decorations.

"Surprise," says Robin as he flips on the light. Cass can't breathe because . . . because it's right there. It's the wall scroll she wanted. It's hanging right there above the head of her bed. He bought it for her.

"It's beautiful," says Cass as she looks at it. There's an Asian woman on it dressed in a kimono, her hands stretched upwards to the sky. There are two dragons entwined around her body, rising up to the heavens along with the girl's hands. It's like she's one with the dragons, one with the fire and passion they represent. Cass loves the artwork and loves the meaning behind it all.

"I saw the way you were looking at it when we went to the mall," explains Tim, "So I . . . I just thought you'd like to have it."

"Thank you," says Cass as she continues staring at it.

"It's kinda erotic though, don't you think?" asks Tim skeptically, "I mean it's a little heavy on the sexual imagery and all." He can't say any more because she's kissing him now. Cass can feel the tingly, electric feeling all over her body. It's short-circuiting her brain. Cassandra Cain only has one last coherent thought before she gives herself to the feeling. What's the big deal all guys seem to have with sex?