The look in his eyes speaks volumes to me.
Others might think of it as unreadable, cold., aloof.
But I know what that look is.
That look says, "This is your last chance. Take it or leave it. Take me or leave me."
I took it.
I got on the elevator.
My heart was racing as I stepped as close to him as I could without actually throwing myself against his chest and begging for his forgiveness.
I could feel his breath, hot on my neck, his eyes piercing through my very being.
How is it that this damn elevator takes so damn long?
He cleared his throat as if he were going to speak and my heart stopped.
But there were no words.
The elevator came to a stop and we stepped out into the lobby of the radiology department.
"I'm, uh...gonna go find out if there's X-Ray available." Shepard stutters over his words as he eyeballs the two of us.
"Okay." was all that Burke said.
I look up to him, my heart aching for a sign, words, for him to show me anything that we're okay, or at the very least that we're going to be okay.
But there's nothing.
I took a step already, dammit. It's his turn.
But he just looks over me through the window of the receptionist's desk.
I took a step already.
But we're not going anywhere unless I take another one.
"Burke." is all I can choke out.
"Preston Xavier Burke, quit acting like a child and answer me."
Oh, boy. That elicited an emotion alright.
"Did you just call me by my full name?" he scoffed.
"I think you just called me by my full name, and what's funny, is I would do the same to you, in that same demeaning tone, but the funny thing is...and this is really funny. I don't know your full name. We've been together for a year, and I don't know your full name." he started, his voice low and angry.
"I'm sorry, but I had to do something to get your attention." I argue back.
"You don't get my attention right now."
"You're not being fair."
"I'm not being fair? You're the one who went to the chief, who ratted me out, who took my heart, put in a blender and threw caution to the wind with our relationship. I'm not being fair?" he spat at me.
I grab his hand and pull him into the darkened waiting room, "You're not being fair because you won't let me apologize. You won't listen to me when I want to tell you that I love you and that I know I hurt you, but you hurt me too."
I can't see the expression on his face very well in the dark, but I do recognize his nods of 'go on' when I see them.
"We hurt each other. So yeah, maybe I do have 'emotional shortcomings' or whatever, but I'm trying here. I am trying. But you? You have to be patient with me. I thought what I was doing was good, and I thought that it was the only way that I could show you that I was there to support you. I was wrong...and you know that me saying I'm wrong is a big, huge, gigantic thing."
"Yes." he was restraining a chuckle.
I know he was.
"So, how about we let Shepard look at your arm, and tell you how he's going to fix it, and then you and I can go home, have some coffee and discuss how to move past this..." I suggest, moving closer to him, closer to where he can at least hug me.
Just hug me for the love of God.
It's not a typical occurence where I want to be hugged.
Just hug me.
"That sounds feasible."
"There's this thing that I can't live without." I decide to try self-disclosure.
"Coffee." he responds in a flat tone.
"Oh really? Then what?"
I bite my lip.
Okay, I never said self disclosure was easy.
"You. Your touch. Your kisses. Your hugs. All that mushy crap..y'know. You." I reach out for his hand, pulling it into mine.
I hear him catch his breath and smile inwardly. I know I struck something.
Pulled his heart strings.
"Cristina." he mumbled, as if he was unsure of what to say.
"I haven't had that stuff. For a week. For a week I've slept on the couch, I've ached for you to just say something to me. To touch me. To kiss my forehead like you always do when we go to sleep. To feel you next to me while I sleep. Anything. And I haven't had that. And I know how much I need it now."
His arms come around me, and I feel almost weepy-ish.
"You don't know how badly I needed to hear that."
"Yes, I did." I assure him, leaning my head against him.
I see Shepard round the corner and pause, watching us in the dark for a moment, and then disappearing again.
"Everything's gonna be okay. Shepard's gonna fix my arm, we're going to fix this...everything's gonna be okay." he mumbles in a hushed voice, then placed a lingering kiss on my forehead.
"Yes it is." I reply, unmoving.
This is where I want to be.
Now and forever.
Everything is going to be okay.
A/N: Had to get it out before I could start another Hanukkah update. ;)