Author's Note: Okay, here it is, a parody of Paper Mario written by me. I hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing here, of course. Everything in this fic is copyrighted to their respective owners.
Paper Mario: Raw and Uncut
Greetings to you all, ladies and gentlemen. Today I am going to tell you a wonderful little story about the honorable Star Spirits, the higher beings that eternally watch over the Mushroom Kingdom…
You see, these Spirits live very high up in the sky, higher even than the clouds themselves. Even higher than the Goodyear blimp, they stayed! But I'm just getting carried away now. In Star Haven, the Star Spirits would nearly always watch over the sacred Star Rod, the super-cool glittering thingy that had forever granted the heartfelt wishes of citizens all across the Mushroom Kingdom. But then, one fateful day, everything in Star Haven changed forever…
Hey! Who took a shit on the next page of the storybook?!
"How dare you!" said the elderly female Koopa wearing a purple cloak that had been stuck into the next page. "I am the beautiful Magikoopa witch, Kammy Koopa!"
"And I stuck her into this story!" yelled a large, fierce Koopa with flaming red hair and piercing yellow horns perched atop his head. "Ha-ha, yep, that was me!"
"Uh…what on earth is going on?" asked Skolar, a purple Star Spirit of high intelligence.
"Beats me," responded Muskular, a young, strong, light-blue Star Spirit.
The large Koopa, none other than King Bowser Koopa himself, cackled evilly. "Now I'm going to have Kammy steal your precious Star Rod. Finally, after years of wishing, it took me a long night of thinking, and I realized that I could just fly up here and take the very source of my ungranted wishes, therefore having the ability to grant them myself. Ever since I was a young lad, I've been fighting that stupid fat plumber Mario. In those times, I constantly hoped that the stars would bring my deepest wishes to a reality. Shame that never happened! It looks like now I need to have my wishes granted with force! I can finally have that pony I always wanted, too! Hey, did I ever tell you guys about the time when I asked Kamek for a pony?…"
"Could we please hurry this up?" mumbled Mamar, a yellow Star Spirit wearing a bow, uninterestedly.
"Huh?" said Bowser dumbly. "Oh, yeah. Do it, Kammy!"
"As you wish, sir!"
And so, Kammy Koopa lifted her wand, emitting a giant orb of bright light that encased the Star Rod, imprisoned the seven Star Spirits in pretty yellow bubbles, brightened up the sanctum, washed the dishes, and played the kazoo.
"Aah! Knock it off right now, Bowser!" cried Misstar, the young pink Star Spirit wearing a long ribbon.
"You fiend!!" bellowed Eldstar, a white-bearded yellow star and oldest of the Star Spirits.
"Aw, quiet, all of you. You'll be much safer in captivity with my associates," said Bowser airily.
"Damn right!" cackled Kammy.
Bowser suddenly looked very serious. "Shut up, Kammy. Now, let's go and paint the kingdom red!"
"Bwahahahaha!…Oh, er…wait…I forgot to send the Spirits away. Silly me!"
"Erm…yeah," said Bowser irritably. "Hurry up, then. I'm getting impatient."
Kammy transformed all the Star Spirits into large playing cards—
"Oh boy! I've always wanted to play blackjack using you pesky Star Spirits as cards!" said Bowser as he rudely interrupted my narration.
—And cast one final wave of her wand, sending the Star Spirits flying across the land.
"Aw man…" whined Bowser, looking disappointed.
Bowser and Kammy both laughed evilly and flew off; Kammy on her broomstick, Bowser in his flying Koopa Kar.
Uh…Yeah…After all that nonsense, our epic story begins, I suppose…I like putting dots at the end of my sentences……
Elsewhere in the Mushroom Kingdom
It was a peaceful Wednesday morning at the Mario house, and a middle-aged Paratroopa mailman flew up to the revered mailbox of Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, carelessly throwing a pink envelope inside.
"COCK A DOODLE-DOOOOOOOOOO!" the Paratroopa called out, and swiftly flew away, giggling mischieviously.
"That damned bird!" shrieked Luigi from inside the house. "Mark my words, I'll wring his neck one of these days!"
"You've been saying that for the past twenty years, and you still haven't gotten to it," said Mario sleepily.
"Oh, I dunno," said Luigi in a suddenly sweet, sappy voice, "maybe it's because he KEEPS DISAPPEARING BEFORE I CAN GET MY POOR, HARD-WORKING ASS OUT HERE TO KILL HIM!!"
"What?" snapped Luigi.
"You said 'ass'," Mario mumbled through stifled chuckling.
Luigi sighed with exasperation. "Alright, might as well see what we have for mail." He opened the mailbox. "Bill, bill, bill, party invitation, bill, party invitation, free gift certificate, discount offer at Cheep-Mart, bill…"
"Uh, Luigi?" said Mario. "There's nothing in there but a pink envelope."
Luigi then looked very sad. "Just trying to make ourselves look important," he muttered, seemingly on the verge of tears.
Mario rolled his eyes. "Let me read the letter, bro." He picked the envelope out of his sobbing brother's hands, opened it, and cleared his throat. "Ahem…
Dear Mario and Luigi,
I'm throwing my 500th weekly party at the castle today! There will be lots of vomit-inducing food, mediocre entertainment, and Bowser crashing the party as he always does for your own pleasure. I do hope you two will come, or else I'll cry to Toadsworth and force him to hire assassins and set them loose on your sorry asses!
"Sounds like fun," said Luigi as he dried his tear-stained face with a handkerchief. "I won't go, though."
"Huh? Why not?" asked Mario suspiciously.
"I've got important business to tend to," said Luigi. "Just run along to the princess' crappy little party, okay? Don't bother me."
Mario smiled devilishly. "Yeah, of course you've got some important business to take care of, bro. I understand. See ya later, Little Miss Cries-A-Lot!"
Luigi smiled weakly as Mario entered the pipe to Toad Town. "See you later, big br—Wait a second, what did you just call me?!"
Mario entered Princess Peach's castle casually and walked up to the door that led to Princess Peach's private quarters--
"MARIO!" bellowed Toadsworth, Peach's caretaker. "KEEP AWAY FROM THE PRINCESS' COIN PURSE!"
Okay, so that didn't work so well…
Mario then went up one floor, completely ignoring every person who walked up to him, dropped to the floor, and cried, "We are not worthy!" just as any helpless citizen of the Mushroom Kingdom would do.
Mario went into Peach's real private quarters, which happened to be a large balcony with several windows that overlooked the lush forest below. Princess Peach then noticed Mario walking in and rushed over to him.
"Mario! It's so great to see you!" Peach cried gleefully, hugging Mario.
"Yeah, yeah, let's get this over with, already," mumbled Mario. "Oral, right?"
"Actually, Mario, I thought we could just have a friendly chat," said Peach, raising an eyebrow. "How've you been doing? Been kicking a lot of villain rump lately?"
"If you're not kidnapped, then no, of course I haven't been kicking villain rump," said Mario impatiently.
Just then, a violent earthquake struck the ground, and the entire castle began shaking with high intensity.
Mario moaned. "Oh no, it's Super Mario RPG all over again!"
Peach didn't bother responding, however; she simply looked out the window to see her castle rising up into the night sky, her jaw literally dropping to the floor. She noticed a tiny silhouette rapidly flying toward the window she looked out of, and it crashed through the window as she stood there like a complete idiot, glass showering her.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" cried the villainously villainous villain as he hovered low to the ground behind Mario. Mario turned around, rolling his eyes, already knowing who it was.
"So Mario, did you miss me any?" said—you guessed it—Bowser, as Kammy Koopa loomed over his head on her broomstick.
"What's up with the flying fat worm in a cloak?" said Mario in a very unexcited tone.
"YOU LITTLE FAT BASTARD!" screamed Kammy. "I AM KAMMY KOOPA, MOST BEAUTIFUL OF ALL MAGIKOOPAS AND SECOND-IN-COMMAND TO LORD BOWSER!"
Mario snorted, and decided to begin the trash-talking game. "Beautiful? I've seen more beautiful things in my toilet after Burrito Night. And I thought Kamek was ugly! Tell me, Bowser, do you get all your stupid little associates from the Coin Store, or what?"
Bowser was now clearly pissed off. "Oh, I'll show you, fatass! Bring it on!" A gong sounded seemingly out of nowhere, and a pretty much useless battle sequence began.
BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!
Mario HP: 10 FP: 5
Bowser HP: WHO THE HELL KNOWS? FP: DON'T KNOW, DON'T CARE
Mario does a jump attack. Big whoop. Does 1 damage to Bowser.
Bowser does Claw Swipe. Does 10 damage to Mario.
Mario gave off a generic scream and fell to the ground.
END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!
"Wow," said Bowser, wide-eyed. "I didn't expect you to give up so easily."
"What in the HELL?!" screamed Mario. "NO WAY! How on earth could you have beaten me that easily?"
Bowser shrugged, and Mario made an annoyed wail, starting a tantrum in the way a six-year-old would. Mario ran all around the private quarters of Princess Peach's castle, tearing furniture up and slapping Bowser.
"I don't have the time for this…" Bowser muttered. He took out a large glowing thingy from his shell and laughed. "See this, Mario? It's the Star Rod from Star Haven and blah blah blah blah blah." Bowser made himself invincible, summoned a lightning bolt from who-knows-where, and blasted the tantrum-throwing Mario right out of the castle.
"MARIO!" cried Peach.
"I CAAAAAAAN SSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE MMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSEEEEE FRRROOMMMM HEEEEEEEEEEEERREEEEEEEEEE!" she heard Mario yell as he fell through the sky.
"MARIO!" she cried again.
"I CCCCCCCCAAAAAAAN SSTILL SSSSSEEEE ITT!" Mario yelled.
"MARIO!" Peach cried yet again.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY, I DOOON'T SSSSEEEEE ITTTTT ANNNNNNNYMOOOOOOOOOOOOOREEEEEEEE……" Mario yelled uneasily as he continued to drop to the ground far, far below, his voice fading away…
"MMMMMMMAAAAAAARI"—Okay, this is getting very annoying.
Meanwhile, Mario was still falling through the sky, wondering what he got himself into. As he fell, a large ship flew out of the clouds, and he splattered on the windshield like a bug.
Inside the ship, the Axem Rangers heard a loud thudding sound at the front of the ship, and wondered what had happened.
"GREEN!" yelled Axem Red. "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?!"
Axem Green looked at the windshield that Mario had now slid off of, and shrugged.
Author's Note: And that does it for the introduction. Stay tuned, there's more to come later! And don't forget to review!