I'll Be Missing You

Rating: NC-17

Summery: Right after As you Were. Buffy breaks up with Spike, but can she leave him compleatly? And what has to happen before she will finally realize her true feelings for him?

Spoilers: Vague spoilers for everything up to the episode As You Were in Season 6.

Disclaimer: The show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all of it's characters belong to Mutant Enemy, & Fox Prod.

Note: The lyrics included in this fic are from "I'll be missing you" by Puff Daddy.

Chapter 1

Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I'll be missing you

Spike watched as the girl he loved walked away from him. Her words echoed in his head.

"I'm using you William. And it's killing me."

Buffy took a deep breath and held her head up high, trying to be strong as she left Spike. Every step was harder and harder, her legs felt weaker, but she didn't look back. She couldn't bear to see the look on Spike's face.

She didn't even look back at him. Spike felt as if Buffy had ripped out his unbeating heart, squashed it under her shoe and spat on in disgust.

Buffy felt a single tear slide down her cheek and she tried to walk away faster. She was doing this for both of them. They both needed to be apart, they could not be together, she was only ruining her life and his . . . unlife. Vampires and Slayers did not go together. It was unhealthy. She had only loved one vampire before, Angel, and look where that lead to, Angel becoming evil again, breaking her heart more than once and leaving her. Now Buffy had to leave Spike, before it was too late to ever turn back.

Who had he been kidding? She would never, could never love him. Even though Buffy had told him constantly that he was a pig, he disgusted her, she would never trust him, and that she would never love him, Spike hadn't really believed her. Not fully. He had always secretly hoped that eventually Buffy would develop some feelings for him. Maybe even one day love him.

He was such a fool. Spike remembered his first real kiss with Buffy – no spells, and out of her free will. He remembered how his heart had lifted and how warm and alive she had felt. The kiss had been urgent and full of need. Spike remembered their first time together too, how it had felt to be inside her. He had thought he was in heaven. But vampires don't go, and can't go to heaven.

Now Spike realized how fake it had all been. Buffy didn't loved him. It was true she had used him.

Buffy stumbled into her bed without even getting changed. Her life was such a mess, and she had made it a mess. That's why she had broken up with Spike, to turn over a new leaf. Before she had died, her life had been good. Well as good as any slayers could be. She had a firm grip on it, and that's how she liked it. But then she came back and was messed up and then she messed up Spike and oh god, have I done the right thing? Buffy asked her self. Yes I have done the right thing. So why do I feel so bad?

Buffy hugged her stuffed pig, Mr.Gordo tightly as she closed her eyes. As soon as she did this though, she gasped. Images of Spike flashed behind her closed eyelids.

Spike fighting her, Spike leering at her, Spike coming to her for help. Spike protecting her, Spike looking after Dawn, Spike telling her he loved her, Spike talking to her about her death, understanding what she was going through, Spike patrolling with her, Spike singing to her, Spike kissing her, Spike in bed with her...

Buffy cried out loud and leaping out of bed, ran through the house, through the kitchen and out the back door where she stumbled, tripped and fell onto the back steps. She let out a sob as she tilted her head back and gazed at the stars. So far away. Buffy half expected Spike to appear out of the bushes and sit down next to her like he had so many times before. She could not stop the flood of tears that washed down her face.

Buffy stared up at the stars for what seemed like hours. She was frozen in place. Her tears had stopped but she could not move.

Spike was staring up at the same stars. The stars… he use to be able to see the stars in her eyes.

Her. Buffy.

Spike took another swig of his beer. He loved her. Why did he love her? There were too many reasons. Did it matter anyway? She would never love him back. Never. He should just grab a stake and do the deed. But there was one thing that was stopping him from ending his unlife. Her name was Buffy Summers. No matter she didn't love him, no matter how much she hated him, Spike would live to protect her. Even if she didn't realize it. He would be there in the background, in the shadows, always there for her, watching her, missing her.

Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
Ill be missing you

Buffy woke up slowly, stiff and sore not just physically but mentally. She had fallen asleep on the porch steps. Groaning loudly she got up and walked inside. Dawn was sitting there, eating a bowl of cereal and reading the Saturday morning comics. Her sister looked bright and fresh and the complete opposite of how Buffy felt.

"Hey Buff, what were you doing out there?" Dawn asked with out looking up, and then with out waiting for an answer, "Oh, by the way, we are out of milk - I just used the last bit up. We're also out of butter, and bread, and canned and instant meals, and really any general food. Just thought I would inform you."

Buffy felt like crumbling to the floor. But she had to be strong. For herself, her friends and Dawn.

"I guess it's time I went grocery shopping then."

And half and hour later she found herself at the grocery store.

Up and Down. Buffy watched the orange go. Up. Down. Was it ripe? Was it not? Up. Down. Buffy missed a catch and the orange fell to the ground.

"Woops." When did I become so clumsy? She watched it roll along the ground… and bump into… a foot.

"Here, let me get that for you." A deep voice said. Buffy found herself face to face with a guy. A good-looking guy. His hair was the colour of honey and his eyes were warm chocolate pools a girl could drown in.

He extended a hand to her. "Hi, my name's Aaron."

Later Buffy came home to find the house was empty. She vaguely wondered where Dawn was, after all it was a Saturday. She spent the rest of the day doing housework, to try and keep her mind off a certain peroxide vampire. But all the time alone only made her think about him more.

She had only been using him, because she was lonely and he was there. He loved her and she took advantage of that. Ok, so she had always been attracted to him even if he disgusted her, and she enjoyed his company. But she didn't love him. Well. Ok she had been starting to care about him. But she could not, and did not love him. He was evil! He had no soul! Buffy could not help wondering what he was like when he did have a soul. If she had been alive when William was around could she love him?

Life was so unfair. More tears fell down Buffy's cheeks.

It wasn't until it was getting dark and the house was sparking clean that Buffy realized Dawn wasn't home yet.