AN: Hi. Just a short, stupid, start of a cynical fanfiction, that I decided to write after reading some funny stories. Will be a series. The reason for editing can be read in chapter three.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach
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Official Cliché Kiss Stories
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The 'falling' scene:
Most of you are familiar with this one, as it has taken number one on this list. First of all, Rukia and Ichigo are walking someplace (home, school etc). Suddenly a miniscule pebble appears out of nowhere and Rukia falls face forward (usually in slow motion).
Miraculously, Ichigo acquires this superhuman power that allows to fall faster than Rukia (defying the laws of physics) and somehow gets underneath her to 'break her fall'.
Even though it is highly unlikely, their lips seem to have magnets implanted inside of them, because they always seem to meet. No matter the angle, or velocity of the fall.
This is usually followed by a long eye gazing session, or slapping, yelling, and mouth washing (separately, of course)
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The 'hill' scene:
Continuing with the whole 'outside' theme, we now find Rukia and Ichigo on top of a hill. Well, it might not even be a hill, it just has to be an inclined slope. But we like hill, because its very romantic.
For some reason or another, one of the two characters decides to 'be free' and run down the grassy slope. Of course, this action triggers something in the stationary character and he/she (usually he) follows after.
Now, the first character (which is almost always Rukia – we writers cannot really see Ichigo spreading his arms 'The Sound of Music' style, and rushing down a hill with a peaceful smile on his face) falls over, and – you guessed it – the second character, Ichigo, also 'tumbles' down, and yet again, the wonderful power of these mysterious magnets comes into play again, and amongst their tangled limbs, their lips always seem to meet.
Heck, the two of them could have fallen off a bloody cliff and died. When the rescue team would come, they would see their lips connected to each other, regardless of how battered or broken other parts of the body may be.
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The 'ice cream' scene:
Ice cream. Arguably one of man's greatest inventions. Also noted as one of the most destructive substances on the planet, for various reasons. After all, it does come from a cow. We basically shook up their milk, then froze it. But, enough of that. Let's see what ice cream has to do with our two favourite Bleach characters.
Usually, Rukia and Ichigo are either under a tree or sitting on a park bench – and its always situated away from the crowd. I don't know about you guys, but I have yet to see a park bench sitting in the middle of nowhere (and I mean nowhere).
Well, anyway, Rukia is just sitting there licking her ice cream happily, and Ichigo is just sitting there contemplating bad things. We writers like to make sure that Rukia is especially clumsy with ice cream and she always gets some on her chin or face. Now, normally, in a normal lifestyle, she wouldn't hesitate to wipe it off, but of course, this is not normal, and Ichigo leans in and either:
Wipes it off for her, which usually leads to some sort of awkward kiss scene. Afterwards one of the characters always comments on the flavour of the ice cream (seems like the trendy thing to do nowadays is to comment on the flavour of the ice cream, not after eating it normally, but after eating out of someone else's mouth).
Licks it off for her. Now, this option seems quite stupid and un-Ichigo, but it sets everyone off screaming for some strange reason. And Rukia, instead of telling him off for slobbering all over her face, just simply sits there stunned, or kisses him.
And there you have the kiss scene induced by ice cream. Arguably one of man's greatest inventions. Women hate it, because it makes them fat, men love it, because it gets them girls.
Isn't the world a lovely place?
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The 'noodle' scene:
Ok, folks, we're really getting into it now. Lets go with the food theme. Noodles – in all different shapes and forms. Also known as spaghetti.
Whatever, but it has to be edible, long and stringy.
This idea was first graced upon by the famous Walt Disney, who most cleverly knew that two dogs kissing would just look random, so he made the two dogs eat spaghetti. Because that isn't weird.
Anyhow, it seems that we fanfiction writers seem to like this idea, but we substitute the dogs for Ichigo, and Rukia (not much difference, really). Due to the setting of Bleach, noodles are usually substituted for spaghetti.
Ichigo and Rukia are delving hungrily into their bowl of noodles which is shared because of some random reason made up by the author, and for once, they do not rely on the mysterious magnets in their lips.
They are dragged together by the common noodle, and because Rukia is a vicious pig when it comes to eating, she continues chomping her way down the noodle, while Ichigo is on the other end, his eyes bulging and cheeks burning. Only three letters are going through his mind at that very moment: WTF.
But soon, its ok, because as Rukia makes her way through the edible guideline, she reaches Ichigo's lips, they share a short kiss, followed either by Rukia continuing to eat and Ichigo stunned, or Ichigo exclaiming angrily about how he will never wash his mouth again…I mean, exclaiming angrily about how he will never eat with Rukia again, blushing all the while.
Noodles are yum, too.
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The 'mistletoe' scene:
Since it's Christmas time soon, lets finish off with the only type of fiction that has somehow made its way through every fandom.
Mistletoe – what exactly is it? Well according to various sources, mistletoe "is the common name for various parasitic plants in the order Santalales, belonging to the families Santalaceae, Loranthaceae and Misodendraceae."
Now, the story goes that, if you stand underneath this parasitic plant, you are obliged to kiss a person who is also underneath this same plant.
Myth says that it happened due to some Norse god named Baldur who got killed by a weapon made of mistletoe (pretty stupid, if you ask me). Being the mummy's boy that he was, his mother cried the poison out of him, and so now, whenever he met someone underneath mistletoe, he used to kiss them because of his thankfulness and gratitude.
How boring. That is why, we fanfiction authors like to twist our own little ideals into the myth, i.e. Ichigo and Rukia.
In this particular scenario, Rukia plays the naïve little girl who runs up and asks Ichigo "what happens when you stand underneath the mistletoe?" or something along those lines. Writers often make their corner stone this question, and build up some stupid scene around it to hit past the 1500 word mark. I should have made that 1300 or something, since this fanfiction is below 1500.
Anyway, of course Ichigo takes advantage of her naivety (he isn't as nice as we think) and holds her tight in a heart-racing, toe-curling, smooch.
Thankfully all authors leave the scene there, as it usually escalates into something more, that is not allowed to be included here, as this is the official listing of cliché KISSES.
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AN: And that brings us to the end of this first installment of Official Cliché Kiss Stories. The next five stories will come soon. These stories know NO bounds. Reviews are loved and appreciated.