AN: Hello, and welcome to the next installment of…(drum roll please)…Official Cliché Kiss Stories starring our very own (hit the lights) Kurosaki Ichigo, and Kuchiki Rukia. Sit back and enjoy.
Ah, the author of this story would just like to say that he does know that most of these kiss scenes are in his stories. Where do you think he gets these ideas from?
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. I just make fun of it.
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Official Cliché Kiss Stories
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The 'bedside-sickness' scene:
It has recently come to my attention of another type of cliché scene, where Ichigo and Rukia are inclined to kiss. In this scenario, one of the main characters is sick. Oh so very sick.
For example's sake, let us make Rukia sick. Lets not have the evil laughter, please.
She is coughing a lot, and has a fever. Ichigo puts her in bed like a knight in shining armour, and goes off and cooks some chicken soup (and if its not chicken soup, then its not cliché) for Rukia to drink, because we all know the magical healing powers of chicken soup.
Anyway, Miss Rukia is lying in bed, sick to the bone (even though in her gigai she shouldn't be able to actually get sick, but we authors like to ignore that, since it would be inconvenient) and Ichigo comes in like the angel he is with a bowl of chicken soup.
Of course, Rukia is very thankful, and we usually see her drink it all up in a couple of sentences. No mention of the scalded mouth, oh, not at all. That would make the kiss that they are going to have taste bad.
She says thank-you very softly (because she is sick) but Ichigo seems to interpret this as "Kiss me, you hunk of human, you".
And so he does.
The story ends there, obviously, since kissing Rukia would make him sick, (did you know half a cup of saliva is transferred between mouths for the average kiss?) but that would dampen the whole mood now, would it?
However, if the writer feels particularly clever and witty, he or she will make it so Ichigo does get sick, and then it is Rukia's turn to take care of him.
This is known in The Official Listing of Cliché Kiss Scenes in Bleach Fandom as: number 7.
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The 'bedside-sickness' scene (continued):
Now, in this alternate scenario, the author can take two pathways.
One is, the 'good-girl' Rukia, who turns out to be some magical cook, and can mix up some medicinal food that will heal Ichigo (maybe a salad, or something). Of course Ichigo gets well, and then the whole kissing thing is re-enacted once again, except Rukia doesn't interpret Ichigo's 'thank-you' as 'Kiss me, you hunk of human, you", as that would be disgusting and politically incorrect.
However, its not far off from Ichigo's actual intention. 'Kiss me, baby' might be something along the lines of the meaning of his thank-you. Before I move on to the next pathway the author can take, I can already hear some of you saying, "Why doesn't he just say 'Kiss me, baby'?"
Well, dear audience, that is because that would be quite disturbing and would drastically change Ichigo's reputation and character.
So, the next pathway.
The 'I-don't-know-anything-about-the-human-world' Rukia. Please make a note: this Rukia is more like the Rukia we see in the manga and the anime. In this scenario, this Rukia decides to mix up a 'lovely' concoction, that she is sure will cure Ichigo.
Unfortunately it doesn't, and if it happened in real life, Ichigo would die of acute food poisoning. But we authors don't like character deaths, so we simply make him deal with it (he probably would have been better off dead, actually) and then the kiss happens afterwards.
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The 'let's-accidentally-walk-into-each-other' story:
I apologize in advance, as this is a very short scenario. That's why I'm extending it with this useless sentence.
The scene is school.
Now, with all the winding hallways of Karakura High, it is obviously inevitable that students bump into each other when turning the corner. Fanfiction writers jump eagerly at this opportunity, and, I must admit, they exploit it quite well.
What happens is, Ichigo is rushing to point A. Whatever he's rushing to there for, we usually are told earlier, but for the sake of making this a simple, easy to understand scenario, we shall make point A, the boys toilet.
So, he is rushing to point A. Point A, however, requires him to turn a corner at a T-intersection. But Ichigo isn't afraid of a stupid corner.
Problem is, Rukia is also rushing somewhere, such as Point B (which can be anywhere except the girls toilets) and just by coincidence she happens to be running down that same T-intersection (except not in the same direction as Ichigo).
Alas! Disaster strikes, and as Ichigo rounds the corner, Rukia runs head on into Ichigo. Completely ignoring the fact that Ichigo is a few heads higher than Rukia, their lips meet. I don't know, maybe Rukia took an extra big step or something, but somehow she always manages to meet his lips (and for a bloody long time too).
Well, anyhow, Rukia is smooches Ichigo out of his mind (and keep in mind that she is perhaps, three feet off the ground for an extended period of time), or the other way around.
In a fanfiction, they usually act disgusted afterwards, or sickeningly embarrassed towards each other.
Both of which would not be the case in real life.
In real life, only Rukia would be disgusted, and only Ichigo would be sickeningly embarrassed, due to the fact that the author forgot that he was actually heading towards the toilet, and now he has lost control of his lower bladder muscles, due to the intensity of the kiss.
Well, that's what school cleaners are for, I guess.
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The 'argument' scene:
I'd actually like to continue with the whole walking into each other thing. While the school scenario is slightly unbelievable, due to their height difference, maybe this scenario will compensate for that.
This usually takes place in a bedroom, and its usually Ichigo's bedroom. Once again, our main characters are fighting, most likely over something stupid, like Rukia's drawings (which are pretty damn stupid, let me assure you).
Well, that's not really the point. Point is, they're fighting. This is the usual routine.
Rukia yells, because she is angry at Ichigo for criticizing (and that's putting it lightly) her works of art (which are similar to a preschool-drawn Mona Lisa)
Ichigo yells back, because they really do suck – who can blame him?
Of course, yelling back is a big no-no, so what does Rukia do? Yell back at him.
This continues on for a fair while, and Ichigo and Rukia slowly inch closer towards each other (in the process of yelling).
The reasons start getting more and more stupid, and more and more irrelevant, from Rukia's 'I could've done better if you had bought me better crayons' to which Ichigo comes back with a terribly good comeback – such as 'shut up'.
Finally, at the epitome of their fight, both their mouth's are open from yelling, and little evil angels behind them push them just that 2.3 centimeters into each other, and voila!
There you have your kiss.
It might also be wise to note that the little evil angel behind Ichigo pushes him downwards, as then Rukia would be mouth-massaging his chest. I mean, I'm sure he wouldn't mind, its just that this is, after all, about kissing.
Well, they were sharing so much spit yelling, they might as well have kissed. By now, the writer usually concentrates on the 'kiss' rather than the argument, and hence, Rukia's drawings are forgotten (thank goodness!).
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The 'let's-interrupt-Rukia-talking-by-kissing-her' scene:
On the verbal subject, here's the last scenario for this chapter.
It always seems to be the case that author's think Rukia is a girl that, when she finds something interesting (to her) to talk about, she just won't stop.
Well, that's because its true.
Rukia is a rambler. I mean, they both start with 'R', it must be true.
Now, what Rukia is rambling about can be anything really. What fanfiction writers really like doing, is making Rukia ramble about something like Ichigo's well-being. Because its so cute, and sweet.
For example, Ichigo will come back after doing something really reckless (like fighting an ugly hollow, or something) and Rukia enters ramble-mode. Actually, it probably could be more accurately described as whining-mode.
"Oh, Ichigo, why didn't you call me while you were fighting?" Well, that's obvious, since Rukia is ridiculously weak compared to Rukia. I mean, lets fire balls of red light at monsters. Obviously that will stop them.
Or, "Oh, Ichigo, why won't you stop being an idiot?" Well, that's because he can't stop being one, Rukia.
Rukia usually has ten of these statements up her sleeve, and then it ends with the classic tear-jerker:
"Don't you know…I was…worried…about you…about YOU!" And the author usually inserts a bunch of crap (tears) here.
There's the cue for Ichigo to step in and say something manly, but he usually fails and ends up kissing her. Gently, mind you. Don't you notice that he always kisses her gently, or tenderly. Oh, and don't forget hungrily. All these lovely words to describe Ichigo's kisses.
Anyway, the aftermath of this scenario is Rukia saying something along the lines of, "Don't you ever do that again."
And Ichigo just lies outright to her. What an admirable fellow. No roundabouts or 'buts'. Just a sentence or two saying something like, "Ok Rukia, I will not fight Mr. Aizen again."
Which of course, gives him a free entrance ticket to Rukia's mouth.
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AN: And that brings us to the end of the second installment of Official Cliché Kiss Stories. Tune in next time, when I have a next time. Oh, also, call in and tell me some cliché kiss scenes you have seen around and I will put them in next time.
Good bye and good luck!