This is an edited version of the original story (same plot, but marginally…refined). Nothing much to say here except that this is clearly what one could call a 'crackfict' and is just for the chuckles. Not sure why I just assumed that Japan has an Internal Revenue Service, but let's just roll with it, 'kay? ;)
"Sir, I'm calling about the car you borrowed a month ago. You said that you'd have the full payment by now but we've neither received the money nor have we gotten the car. We were wondering when we could get them?" Naraku said into the phone.
"I'll pay it on the first," the man said.
"Sir, today is the first."
"The next first."
"You said that last month."
"Then what the hell does that tell you?"
"Sir, I don't need that kind of attitude. Just make the payments or we're going to have to repossess the car." A deathly silence fell as that dreaded word rang through the air.
"You-you're gonna have to take away my car?"
"Yes sir, we'll have to repossess it."
"Don't say that word!" the man said almost hysterically.
"Yes, that one!"
Naraku smirked on the other line, then said, "Repossess, repossess, repossess, repossess!"
The man could be heard dropping the phone and rolling on the floor in agony while moaning.
"So, sir, are you going to make the payments or what?"
From somewhere, the man mustered up the courage to say, "Try to take it from me."
"Okay. Look outside your window."
"Go on, look."
The phone was set down and the man went outside.
There, a tow truck was pulling away with his car hooked onto the back. "No, wait, what are you doing? Bring back my Lenore! Lenore! Nooooooooooo!" The man screamed in the street as the tow truck pulled away. A bolt of lightning flashed and thunder clapped. His tears mingled with the now falling rain as he lamented in the streets for his lost Lenore. Naraku smirked to himself again, and then hung up on Miroku.
That last call ended his shift. As he was driving home, he was almost side-swiped by a Hummer limo. Sesshomaru. The young lord stuck his head out of the window. "Working for the enemy! How dare you! I liked it better when you were the average guy looking for his fix like a crack head or a crystal meth addict, or in your case, a jewel shard fanatic, but this! This is just sick! I'd rather jump off a building, stab myself with Tetseiga, kill myself with a cantaloupe, and run in front of a parked car than work for the IRS. You're not Japanese! You're an American!" And here, he tapped the glass in front of him to tell the driver to keep going, his head still hanging out, tongue lolling like a dog.
Naraku looked after him and blinked. "Fuckin' weirdo," he mumbled as he pulled back onto the road. When he reached his house, he noticed that the garage door had been written on in large, black letters, "Once you work for the IRS, prepare for some mess." He sighed. This was average. He went inside to get a sponge and a hot bucket of water to clean the garage. As he headed back toward it, he noticed that something wasn't right about his car. In the short time that he'd been in the house, it had been egged, keyed, and also written on in bright red lipstick, "1-800-Collect an ass-kicking." Kagura's fingerprints were all over this one. He'd deal with her later.
At work the next day, he had to make another call. "Mr. Kohanu, I'm calling about the student loans you borrowed five years ago. You were supposed to pay them back once you graduated, but that was supposed to have been four years ago."
"Man, stop sweatin' me! I got a lot of pressure on my mind right now! I owe my sister's boyfriend some money, my baby momma just left me for losing my job at McDonald's and the bitch, literally, left me with the kids. And I can't get past this training camp in Madden! How the hell do they expect you to catch this small ass ball through these small ass holes?"
Naraku didn't understand what he was talking about, but then again, Kohanu had never been the most widely accepted member of the peanut gallery, despite being a (distant) cousin to the royal dog demon family. He had gone to college to become a botanist, but instead ended up knowing too much about a certain kind of illegal herb. He was caught trying to sell marijuana in the bathroom. The faculty bathroom! Some say he was high while doing it. After that, he got a job at McDonald's. He didn't last the week. Two days after being hired, he was fired for selling weed again right in front of his boss! Eye witnesses say he was high then, too. Finally he decided to settle down and have a family. But he got too caught up with a card game and lost ten-thousand yen to his sister's boyfriend, Tiny. His girlfriend couldn't stand having a broke ass boyfriend, so she left him.
Naraku almost felt sorry for him. Almost. Sympathy wasn't in his vocabulary. "Kohanu, if you can't make the payments then I'm going to have to have you incarcerated. I hope that you've learned something from Oz."
"What?! But I—" He was cut off as several police officers stormed the door.
Naraku could hear them screaming, "Get down on the floor, get down on the floor! You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, the court will appoint one to you..."
All the while, Kohanu was screaming, "Shaniqua, Lil Kiki, don't worry, daddy'll be back. And I won't be anybody's bitch!"
Naraku hung up on his pathetic cries.
He leaned back and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he noticed that his boss was heading towards him. "Hey, Naraku. We're about to prank call some old geezer about revoking his medical benefits. Wanna come listen in?"
Naraku was about to reply when a loud explosion went off outside. His boss stood up straight and screamed, "Everybody quick! Into the escape pods!" As the employees ran for the emergency exit, Naraku wanted to go see what had caused the noise…as any sensible person would do.
When he opened the door, a tank cannon was leveled in his face. A figure's head could be seen poking up from the top hatch.
"You bastards! I'm tired of you harassing my family! My father has a heart attack every time someone knocks on the door, thinking it's the IRS! I've gained weight due to stress, my membership card at Weight Watchers has expired so I can't even go to the gym to lose the weight, Kagome's pregnant by that damn hanyou, and I'm sick of it!"
She fired again at the building and Naraku jumped out of the way just in time. He went and hid behind a building a block away, using his cell phone to call for backup. A moment later, four escape pods rose to the sky. Mrs. Higurashi immediately shot them down. No one climbed out of them.
Ten minutes had gone by and reinforcements still hadn't arrived. He decided he'd have to take matters into his own hands. He walked up to Mrs. Higurashi and did the only sensible thing he could do. He negotiated with her. "Look, Mrs. Higurashi. Why don't you lower the gun and we can talk about this. I know that we steal your money but it's only to show you that you shouldn't spend so much money. I heard that there's a really good movie on Lifetime right about now."
"No! I want—wait, is it the one where that woman copies that other woman's identity in order to have her perfect life?"
"Uh, yeah, I guess. And here's something else too. We'll even buy you a whole gallon of ice cream to eat while watching. How's that sound to you?"
Mrs. Higurashi closed her eyes and started picturing the frozen treat. "Mmm, butter pecan...so soft and so smooth sliding down my throat..." As she said this, she sensually rubbed her neck as though feeling the ice cream go down. "And the sweet taste and cold against my teeth, sending shivers down my spine..." Her eyes were still closed and she gave a small shudder as though from pleasure. "And oh, all that flavor! Like an orgasm in my mouth!" And here she started rubbing herself all over.
Naraku stood rooted to the spot, liking what he was seeing. Kagome's mom, she's got it going on. She's all that I want and I've waited for so long... But he glanced down and the menacing form of the tank snapped him out of his trance. Pulling a needle out of his pocket, he pushed it into the side of her neck. It was nothing more than a tranquilizer and presently she fell asleep. The hand that she'd been rubbing herself with fell limply against the button that fired the cannon. The missile landed on a large structure somewhere in the distance.
The dog lord's pissed-off cry could be heard from five miles away. Even more so, you could see his transformed state searching angrily for the source that had destroyed what he'd built up literally from ashes. Naraku decided not to stick around and wait for that to happen.
He went back to his spot around some buildings still waiting for police to arrive. Sliding down the wall, he pulled an inhaler out of his pocket. "Damn, I'm used to attacks on the IRS, but this shit's ridiculous. They don't pay me enough to steal people's money and play G.I. Joe." He took a deep breath on the inhaler, though he didn't have asthma. Before he slipped into his oxygen high, something crossed his mind. The building could be replaced. But there were still people out there who he had to make some distressing calls to.
We're back in business, baby! And then he passed out.