Okay, I know I'm supposed to be working on Phantom of a Doubt, which, by the way, I'll be posting chapter 5 as soon as it's typed up, but this one sunk its teeth into me and won't let me go. So here's the result. It's kind of like the Harry Potter oneshot about some of the basic topics. It has the same title, and it's by SkyeEyesSparkle7135. So enjoy both!

Disclaimer: I don't own the adorable Danny Phantom. Maybe in my next lifetime, I will.

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Dear Dedicated Fanfiction writers,

I was surfing the internet a few days ago and I came across this website. Naturally, I decided to check out the cartoon section to see if they had any good shows. I was surprised to see my own name in the listing. I clicked it and read the first story that was in the lineup.

I was shocked. This one happened to be slash, of all things, detailing how I'm "in love with Tucker" or even worse, "Dash Baxter." Writers, I can assure you that I am not gay. I've been called clueless many times, which I still can't figure out. I'm also not secretly a girl. The closest that has ever happened to me was when Danni was created. And she's my clone, not a possible date! Ugh, now I'll never get those sick images out of my head.

While I'm on the subject of "slash," as it has come to be known, I don't think I'll ever have to worry about falling in love with myself, literally. The amount of stories out there that are dedicated to a "relationship" between my human half and my ghost half are ridiculous. In one word: EW! Now that's a sick image.

I can't believe the amount of stories dedicated to love between me and Sam. Uh, hello, she's my best friend, not my girlfriend! As if I'm gonna sleep with her and procreate! And as for Valerie…well, I'm still not sure on that one. I really hate the Jazz/Tucker or Jazz/Clockwork. First of all, Tucker's my best friend, and has no interest in older girls. Second, Clockwork is a ghost. What business would he have with my sister anyway?

I also will never have a father/son or worse lover relationship with my archenemy in either ghost or human form. I will never willingly join him and neither will my mom. And I will never turn evil. Dan Phantom scared me too much for that to ever happen. My friends were there with me when the accident happened, so I never developed a destructive split personality. My parents loved me when I was born, and should I tell them about my powers, I'm sure they'll accept me. The Reality Gauntlet was proof enough of that.

I don't know this Harry Potter you people keep referring to. And I am not an alien from a distant galaxy sent to spy on humans. I am half-human, yes, but the other half is, duh, ghost. And who on earth are "The Charmed Ones" and "Teen Titans" or any of these funky groups? And when did I add "mutant" to my already scrambled biology?

I am not suicidal, despite my half-dead state. I also have never used drugs or drank alcohol. There's no reason and besides I'm underage in case you ever noticed. I also don't play in rock bands, although I would like to be in the Dumpty Humpty concerts. I've only lost my memory once in my lifetime and that was enough. Thankfully, I was able to get it back.

Most of the stories were pretty good, but please, please, please, make appropriate corrections where necessary.

Thanks,

Danny Fenton AKA Danny Phantom

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Me: Well, that sounded a lot like him. I wonder how he found the site. (glares at muses)

Cassi: Why are you looking at us?

Me: Because you two were the ones trying to make a connection to that universe.

Mariyh: Well–

Me: You didn't!

Mariyh: (quickly) It was just an e-mail telling him to punch in fanfiction on the internet and see what happened!

Me: (sigh) You two give me a headache, you know that? If you two ever manage to actually build a working portal for people to cross over, I'm gonna be in big trouble.

Cassi: (mutters) Xnay on the 'ortalnay, 'k?

Mariyh: Gotcha.

Me: What'd you two say?

Cassi: Nothing.

Me: Uh, huh, well, y'all press the little button down there and tell us what you thought. See ya around.