Title: Mistletoe and Wine
Author: Hel Bee
Rating: PG – just a bit of fun.
Pairing: HP/SS
Disclaimer: JKR owns the lot
Summary: Why Harry doesn't, and shouldn't, teach potions.
A/N: Not beta'd as it's for my beta Christmas wish list :). Only my second fanfic of the year so be warned LOL.

Word count: 726

Written for Rakina . Happy Christmas, sweetie! That's for being there this year!

I drop the last of the red berries into the simmering caldron of my special recipe mulled wine. Special, Harry? I hear you ask. Yes, special. You see I have adapted the usual festive libation to have just a hint of aphrodisiac about it. That's not strictly true. I'm intending more a suggestion of adoration than all out throw-me-over-the-side-of-the-sofa. You see, the snarky bastard I married hasn't a romantic bone in his body. To him the whole idea of Christmas is just 'an excuse for enormous frippery and the reason countless unplanned pregnancies occur due to the excessive consumption of eggnog'. So in order to warm my spouse to the season I thought I'd try this.

I sense you have doubts in my ability to get the reinstated Hogwarts' potions master to take is medicine like a good boy. Well, I've learned many things from Severus over the years, and not just the ability to escape Madame Erocticka's spelled handcuffs and nipple clamps. I am more than passable at throwing together an elixir or two, so this should be a breeze.

The wine is a gloriously deep red colour, and the clove-studied clementines have worked to perfection to produce an aroma that screams Christmas. Using a ladle I prepare Severus a goblet. With a bit of luck I'll have the tree up by supper and have Severus unwrapping me soon after.

I set a stasis spell over the cauldron so I can make sure Severus gets a daily does right up to Christmas Eve. I hear the outer door to our quarters slam shut. It's the last day of term and I tell by the way the wood crashes against the frame that Severus is very happy to be rid of 'the ignorant little spawn' for the holiday. Picking up the goblet, I go to greet him.

I can tell he is happy: his scowl is slightly diminished and his fists are almost unclenched. I hold the goblet up to him and smile. "Mulled wine," I explain to answer his raised eyebrow.

Severus takes it from me and sniffs at it carefully. "Well, it certainly smells like mulled wine," he grunts. My word, he must be in a good mood: he's managing full words, not just random syllables – which is more customary for after class.

He takes a hesitant sip, and it seems I have passed the test because he quickly drains the rest of the wine. "Not bad, Potter."

I beam widely. Although not for long. Severus' right eyelid begins to flicker rapidly. I didn't think there should be any outward manifestation of the potion. He growls loudly and launches himself at me. "What was in that?" he demands.

I'm too fast for him and dart out of his reach. I put his desk between us and he tries to grab at me across it. "Just mulled wine," I squeak unconvincingly.

"Don't mess with me, Potter," he warns, and I duck out of the way, sliding under the desk to avoid his dastardly clutches.

"Erm… I may have added a few extra ingredients," I admit, walking backwards towards the door. "I wanted to spice it up a bit."

"Spice it up," he snarls. "Please tell me you were at least bright enough not to use the standard love potion ingredients."


Oh, bugger! I did think that the holly berries were not an hundred percent correct, but surely they couldn't cause too much of a problem.

"Did you change the holly for mistletoe?" He looms over me and I realise that this is why he teaches potions and not me.

"No," I admit in a very quiet voice.

"Idiot!" He throws his hands into the air. "You've made me impotent! If you want to enjoy carnal knowledge any time soon you'd better get out of my sight and let me make an antidote."

I don't need telling twice. I bolt out of the door and into the corridor. I don't stop running until I'm out of the castle and at the apparition point beyond the wards. Between you and me, I think I'd better lie low for a couple of days. Probably Ron's is the best place for now. Still, it's not as bad as when I altered his twenty-five year old redcurrant port. Least this time he still has all of his anatomy intact!