An Oh My Goddess multi-crossover fanfic by Mike Breslau
Warning: this is Book Five of the KMT trilogy. If that makes no sense, stop reading right now and read "Keiichi's Magic Trick," "Megumi No Megami," and "The Lord of Benevolence" first.
Obligatory Disclaimer: Many characters appear in this story. Some are real persons, many are fictional, and a few are both. Those characters who are copyrighted are the rightful property of their respective copyright owners and are used without permission, but with gratitude. No infringement of the legal rights of other persons or corporations is intended.
The appearance of any character in this story is intended as an honor, a tribute to the enjoyment they have given me; no disrespect is intended. If you are offended because you or your characters do not appear in this story, send me a review and I will try to write you in. On the other hand, if you want any characters removed from this story, contact me and I will take them out--but I will be very disappointed with you.
In this fanfic, this represents emphasis and this is telepathy.
With that out of the way, ON WITH THE SHOW!
Chapter 1 - Enterprise
What could he give to the one man in the universe who had everything already? That was the problem Terrben, the God of Surprises, had been burdened with. Keiichi would be having an important birthday next week and the other family members had appointed Terrben to select a suitable birthday present.
"After all," Megumi had asked, "who could be more creative or imaginative than the God of Surprises?"
Keiichi could, of course, but they couldn't ask him to select his own present. The assignment was a difficult one. Keiichi could already have, be, or do anything that the mind of god or mortal could conceive of. What could he give to the one man in the universe who had everything already?
Uhura turned away from her console looking puzzled. "Captain, we're being hailed, but I can't locate the source of the signal."
Spock raised one eyebrow slightly and added, "There are no ships or planets within sensor range, Captain."
James T. Kirk sighed. Why did these things always happen to him? "On screen."
On the main screen the image of passing stars was replaced by a view of a large room containing two men. The room might have been constructed of white marble, but the material sparkled and glowed unlike any substance Kirk was familiar with.
"This is Captain Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise."
The taller of the two figures answered. "I am Terrben, and my companion is known as Sensei. We request permission to come aboard your ship for a couple of hours, that is if you don't mind, Captain."
"May I ask the purpose of your visit?" inquired Kirk.
"Our purpose is purely social, Captain. We're travelers, just passing through. Our current location and our final destination are outside your universe. Normally, we'd not linger in your vicinity, but I felt we'd all enjoy a few hours of conversation. If it's the least inconvenient for you, we'll go elsewhere with no hard feelings."
Kirk thought, "They seem polite enough. This has been a boring voyage so far, perhaps a visit would liven things up." He smiled and replied, "Permission granted. When can we expect you to arrive?"
"Right now, Captain."
The two figures rose into the air and flew out of the viewscreen, then touched down gracefully in the center of the bridge. Behind them the image of the sparkling room faded away, to be replaced by the usual view of passing stars.
Kirk said, "You certainly know how to make an impressive entrance. How did you do that?"
The shorter of the two visitors looked around the
bridge with obvious delight.
The taller visitor smiled and replied, "My mother Urd used to travel like that all the time, before Sensei taught her a better way to teleport. Perhaps formal introductions are in order. I am Terrben, the God of Surprises. This is my father, Sensei, the Tutor of the Gods."
Kirk had encountered godlike beings before, including one who called himself Apollo. These encounters had usually been unpleasant. He wasn't pleased at the prospect of dealing with two more of them. "The God of Surprises" sounded particularly ominous--Kirk didn't like surprises.
Sensei seemed to have picked up the thought. He said, "Relax, Captain, we mean you no harm. You've nothing to fear from us. We have our own version of your Prime Directive. Terrben only arranges unpleasant surprises for those who truly deserve them."
Kirk felt somewhat relieved. He looked at his guests and noticed something unusual. He asked, "Sensei, Terrben referred to you as his father. Why do you look younger than him?"
"Terrben is a god, and gods stop aging when they reach maturity. I became immortal when I was in my late teens, and I've never bothered to grow up because I couldn't see any advantage to it."
Sulu asked, "Excuse me, Sir, but is Sensei your name or your title?"
"My birth name is Morisato Keiichi, but nearly everyone calls me Sensei because I'm the teacher and advisor of the gods. I've gotten used to it."
Sulu's suspicion was confirmed. "That's a Japanese name. I never expected to meet a god named Keiichi."
"Strictly speaking, I'm not a god. I'm just a nice Japanese boy with a remarkable destiny. You're sharp, Mr. Sulu."
Kirk asked, "Well, what would you gentlemen like to do now?"
Terrben replied, "I think we'd like to tour your ship and meet your crew, if that's possible."
Sensei added, "Could we start with Engineering?"
Kirk nodded. "Certainly. Follow me please," and he led the way to the turbolift.
Kirk made the introductions. "Gentlemen, this is our Chief Engineer, Montgomery Scott. Scotty, this is Terrben, the God of Surprises, and his father Sensei, the Tutor of the Gods."
Scotty was impressed. "Why do we have such important visitors today, Captain?"
"We were just passing through, and we stopped by to make small talk," answered Terrben.
Sensei looked around with great interest. "This is really wonderful. You keep this place quite shipshape, Scotty."
"Thank you, Sir. I try my best."
Keiichi looked nostalgic. "I originally wanted to be an engineer but my life turned out quite differently.
"You wanted to be an engineer?"
"Yes, I even have a degree in Mechanical Engineering from NIT. I graduated near the end of the twentieth century. I rarely get to do engineering now, but I can't complain. I enjoy being a tutor."
Scotty thought for a moment. NIT? Late twentieth century? "Did you ever meet Professor Fujiwara?" he asked in the same tone of voice he would have used for "Einstein."
Sensei laughed. "Meet him? He was one of my first pupils. He was a wonderful fellow."
Scotty looked awed. "You taught Fujiwara?"
"No big deal. I didn't teach him much; I only helped him out a few times when he got really stuck. Professor Fujiwara deserves all the credit for the work that he did."
"You only helped him out when he got really stuck," Scotty echoed slowly. Scotty was obviously more impressed by meeting Fujiwara's advisor than he was by meeting the Tutor of the Gods. Some people have strange priorities. Kirk was amused by Scotty's reaction.
"Sensei, can ye tell me if we'll ever be able to keep the dilithium crystals from degrading under stress?" asked Scotty eagerly.
"Yes, it can be done, but I mustn't tell you how. You'll figure it out soon enough."
Mr. Scott looked disappointed. What he didn't realize was that he, Montgomery Scott, would have the critical idea in about twenty year's time.
When they reached Sick Bay, Kirk introduced them to the ship's doctor. "Bones, these are our guests, Terrben and Sensei. Gentlemen, our doctor, Leonard McCoy."
McCoy shook hands with the strangers and greeted them gruffly. "Are you here for business or pleasure, gentlemen? You both look healthy enough to me."
Terrben smiled and replied, "Strictly pleasure, Doctor. We can't become sick or injured, so we've no need of your professional services."
McCoy muttered, half in jest, "I hope that isn't contagious, or I'd be out of a job." Then he added, "Those are interesting tattoos you have, Mr. Terrben. Are they some sort of religious or caste marking?"
"A little bit of both, Bones. The markings signify that I'm a Star class god--the God of Surprises, in fact. I might add that they're not tattoos, but a functional organ."
"Jim, why do you do this to me? I'm a doctor, not a priest." Turning back to Terrben, McCoy continued, "This is a little outside my field, but do you mind if I examine that organ?" His curiosity was aroused.
"You're welcome to try, Doctor, but I doubt that you'll get any meaningful results."
McCoy tried his compact medical scanner. Instead of its customary soft chatter, the scanner emitted a shrill beep of distress.
"What the heck? It's never done that before..."
The medical tricorder was no more successful. It registered its mechanical unhappiness in no uncertain terms. McCoy gave up.
Sensei explained, "I'm afraid you can't examine Terrben, Bones. His body contains enormous power and it overloads your instruments. Fortunately, they're undamaged. If it's any consolation, you can examine me because I carry my energy externally."
"You sound as if you want me to examine you, young man."
"Actually, I'd be delighted. I think you'll find it interesting," replied Keiichi with a smile.
"Well then, would you lie down on this table?"
Keiichi rose into the air and floated over to the table, then settled down onto it. McCoy paused in surprise, but said nothing, and began his examination. This time all of his instruments worked perfectly. Keiichi seemed to be enjoying the experience.
McCoy shook his head and said, "This makes no sense at all. You appear to be a normal human, yet I keep getting paradoxical readings. Depending on which test I use, you're either 18 years old, 330 years old, or a million years old."
Keiichi was amused. "Excellent work, Doctor. I became immortal when I was eighteen years old and stopped aging then. I was born about 330 years ago. We're celebrating my birthday today, because I've lived for exactly one million years."
McCoy blinked in astonishment. "Congratulations! Are they going to have a cake large enough to hold a million candles? Will the Fire Department permit it?"
"I really don't know, Bones. It's going to be a surprise."
Terrben smiled. The rest of the family was arranging for the party. It was certain to be spectacular.
When the tour was over the principals settled comfortably in a lounge area.
"Can I offer you any refreshments?" asked Kirk politely.
"Allow me do the honors," Keiichi replied. A mug of orange colored liquid appeared before everyone except Scotty, who got a small glass of clear amber fluid.
"I see you've no use for food replicators," observed Bones dryly.
Kirk sipped his drink and exclaimed, "This is wonderful!"
"It's Okay, Spock, it's a mixture of fruit juices," offered Terrben.
Keiichi added, "It contains everything needed to sustain human or Vulcan life. You could live on it if you wanted to."
Spock tasted his drink. "Remarkably good taste."
Scotty had carefully sniffed his drink and smiled. Now he sipped it and beamed. "I've must've died and gone to heaven."
"We do eat and drink well in Asgard," replied Terrben, "We've had eons in which to perfect our recipes."
"Could I have your recipe?" asked Kirk, who was clearly impressed by the taste.
"No problem," said Keiichi, "It's filed in your replicators under 'Nectar of the Gods.'" Terrben looked at him sternly. "It's alright, Son, a recipe for a fruit juice blend won't alter their destiny significantly."
"You guys seem to be pretty careful," noted Scotty.
"With power comes responsibility. Kirk would understand," said Keiichi. He grew reflective and continued softly, "Actually, Captain Kirk and I have a lot in common. That's one reason why I've enjoyed my visit here so much. Kirk has a crew of about 400 men and women. I have a staff of about 1,000 gods and demons. Kirk commands a Starship, a self-contained world surrounded by a great void, and his job is to get if safely to its destination. My job is to guide the entire universe safely from the past to the future."
There was a minute of stunned silence. Terrben wore a "now you've done it" expression.
Kirk pointed a finger at Keiichi and asked, "Do you mean to sit there and tell me that you are the Supreme Being?"
Terrben nodded enthusiastically. Keiichi shook his head and tried to clarify a complex situation. "Well, yes and no. If you're thinking of the Creator, whom we call Kami-sama, then in your era He's still in charge and running the show. In my era, thousands of years in your future, Kami-sama has shifted most of his responsibilities onto me and has gone into semi-retirement. Think of him as Our Founder and Chairman of the Bored, while I've become the CEO. I'm sorry if you were expecting someone taller or more imposing. It's a job, Kirk, just like being a Starship Captain is a job."
Kirk tried to absorb this. "Why?"
"Captain, would you want to be responsible for running the entire universe for sixteen billion years?"
Kirk looked pale. "Of course not, but I'm only human."
"To some extent, so am I. Kami-sama is very capable, but He's still finite. He wants to be relieved for a while so he can get on with his life. I only agreed to take the job because everyone felt I was the best-qualified person. The essential difference between our situations, Kirk, is that you wanted to be a Starship Captain, while I never wanted this job. "
Terrben tried to lighten the mood. "Now you can appreciate why it's so hard to find a birthday present for Sensei."
After a moment of silence Scotty asked, "If ye don't mind my asking, can ye tell us what drives a person to create an entire universe? It seems like the ultimate feat of engineering to me."
"It's often an act of adolescent rebellion," answered Keiichi. His reputation for saying astonishing things was still intact. There were cries of disbelief from the mortals present.
Keiichi continued, "Consider an analogy: a teen-aged girl who becomes a mother to prove that she's an adult, or because she wants someone who's sure to love her. When the baby's born she discovers that it needs a lot of care and attention all the time. If the mother acts maturely enough to raise the kid, then she becomes an adult, otherwise she may abuse or abandon her offspring. It's the same with some universe creators. You guys are lucky because Kami-sama designed his universe well and acted responsibly toward it. We've had to clean up or tear down a few abandoned universes."
Before anyone could answer, the ship's alarm interrupted. "OOOEEEOOO. Red Alert. Captain Kirk to the bridge."
Kirk stood up hastily.
Terrben offered, "Want a lift?"
Kirk understood the offer. "Yes."
An instant later everyone was at his or her battle station and the two visitors were on the bridge.
"Captain, you startled me," said Chekhov.
"Startled me too," muttered Kirk. A glance at the screen showed the cause of the alarm--the Enterprise was surrounded by four large Romulan warbirds.
Chekhov explained, "They just uncloaked a moment ago, Captain."
"Their latest heavy cruisers. We're englobed and outgunned. This looks bad," Kirk realized. "Shields up," he said.
Keiichi turned to Terrben. "I thought you assured me that there were no hostile craft anywhere near us."
"No, I didn't say that," replied Terrben with a mischievous grin. "I said that there were no Klingons within two day's flight of the Enterprise. These Romulans aren't a threat, and there are only four of them."
Keiichi realized what Terrben was implying. He smiled and addressed Kirk. "Captain, I believe my son has arranged some 'entertainment' for us. I suggest that we relax and enjoy the show. I assure you that no harm will come to your ship or your crew."
Kirk was momentarily in turmoil. Terrben had placed him in a life-threatening situation for "entertainment," but Sensei has assured him that he was perfectly safe. His instincts had made him wary of the God of Surprises, yet he trusted Sensei completely. Kirk decided to go along with his trust. After all, the Supreme Being had just assured him that he was under divine protection. Considering how strange this situation already was, how much weirder could it get?
Uhura announced, "Captain, we're being hailed."
"On screen," replied Kirk.
The image of a Romulan Commander appeared. "Rokken here. Ah, Captain Kirk--what a pleasant surprise. Will you surrender now, or shall I have the pleasure of destroying you?"
Terrben projected a thought to Kirk. Captain, may I offer a suggestion? followed by a mental image.
Kirk had experienced telepathy before, so he wasn't too startled. He liked the suggestion and decided to play along. He stood and faced Rokken, then raised his hands palms forward alongside his head. Placing his thumbs near his ears, Kirk wiggled his fingers, stuck out his tongue, and made a rude noise. He sat down with a big grin.
The gesture was unfamiliar to Rokken, but its meaning was clear. "Very well then. Fire!" he ordered.
On four Romulan warbirds triggers were depressed simultaneously. Mighty engines of destruction roared into action spewing forth powerful beams of... brightly colored sparkles and streamers which burst into globular clusters of sparks. Red, blue, yellow, and white displays were everywhere, and festive percussive pops could be clearly heard despite the vacuum of space. It was all very pretty, and quite unexpected.
"Fireworks in outer space?" exclaimed Kirk. "How's it possible?" Then he remembered who was probably responsible.
"It is my birthday," observed Keiichi dryly, "Fireworks are entirely appropriate."
Rokken was incredulous and angry. He ordered, "Launch torpedoes."
The photon torpedoes were hardly clear of their launch tubes when they burst. Space near the Romulan ships was filled with party supplies: popcorn, balloons, paper hats, cupcakes, confetti, streamers, and similar essentials were everywhere.
Keiichi casually elongated his arm and reached into the viewscreen and retrieved a bucket of popcorn. He sampled a handful and then offered the bucket to Kirk. "Want some? It's good." The bucket was passed around the bridge, and everyone had a taste. It was indeed very good popcorn.
"Sensei was right, I am enjoying this," thought Kirk.
On the bridge of the Enterprise the viewscreen divided into four quadrants, with the bridge of each Romulan ship visible in a different section of the screen.
"I didn't know we could do that," Kirk whispered to Uhura.
"We can't, Captain," she replied quietly.
Rokken was very upset. "What's the meaning of this?" he thundered.
An unfamiliar voice behind him calmly answered, "It means that your career has just had a serious setback, Rokken."
Rokken turned around and saw a stranger on his bridge. "Who are you?"
"I am Terrben, the God of Surprises, and you have been a naughty boy, Rokken. You've disobeyed your superior's orders and brought your ships into Federation space. Now I'm entitled to arrange a nasty surprise for you, just as soon as I think of a suitable punishment to fit your crime." Terrben's smile suggested an unpleasant future for his victim.
Aboard the Enterprise, Kirk looked around. Terrben was still standing nearby, yet an image of him could be seen in each of the Romulan ships. "Is that you on all those ships?" he asked the local Terrben.
"Yes, Captain. Sensei taught us how to be in more than one place at a time. It's a very convenient ability."
"It certainly is," thought Kirk.
On another of the Romulan ships the Captain had a Klingon temper. "Kill him!" he ordered. Four crewmen drew their sidearms and fired. Terrben ignored the destructive beams long enough to make it clear that they were having no effect at all on him.
Aboard the Enterprise Kirk asked, "Doesn't that hurt?"
Terrben replied, "Captain, you're talking to a god who once ate an entire Class I supernova for lunch. Of course they can't hurt me."
"Really?" asked Kirk, quite surprised, "How was it?"
"Tasty but unsatisfying, Jim. An hour later I was hungry again." He smiled.
Kirk turned to Keiichi. "He is kidding, isn't he?"
"Terrben never lies, but he delights in misleading with true statements."
On the Romulan ship Terrben decided that it was time to act. "You might hurt somebody with those toys if you're not careful. I don't think you should be trusted with them."
The handguns suddenly fell silent as they were transformed into large ripe bananas. With cries of disgust the crewmen hastened to discard the yellow fruit into the disposal oubliettes. The Romulan captain held his nose and tried to wipe his eyes. It's a little known fact that a banana smells worse to a Romulan than an angry skunk smells to a human.
Terrben grinned evilly. "Now I know what to do with you," he announced. There was a brief flash of blue light. The main viewscreen on the Enterprise reverted to its normal view of passing stars. Terrben looked pleased with himself.
"There's no sign of the enemy wessels," Chekhov announced.
Kirk asked, "What happened to the Romulans?"
"They're unharmed, and back in the heart of Romulan space. Their ship's logs show that they've never left parking orbit. However, Rokken may have a hard time explaining the salt-and-butter stains on their hulls, or why there are banana plantations where the munitions used to be stored." Spock raised an eyebrow. Kirk had difficulty suppressing a chuckle. Terrben continued, "I visited the Romulan ships in person because I wanted them to understand that I, and not you or the Federation, was responsible for what happened to them. It would have changed destiny if they thought you had become so powerful."
Keiichi spoke up. "Captain Kirk, you've been such a gracious host that I'd like to return your hospitality. I'd like to invite you and everyone aboard this ship to my birthday party. I'll send some gods over at shift-change time to pick you up so the day and night shifts can both attend together."
"That sounds tempting," Kirk replied, "but I don't see how I can accept. We can't abandon the ship in mid-voyage to go attend a birthday party. It's against regulations."
"No problem, Captain. When anyone wishes the leave the party they'll be returned to their original location one microsecond after they left. We'll stagger the departures a millisecond apart. Technically, you'll never have more than one person at a time off the ship."
Kirk was intrigued. "You can do that? In that case, I accept."
Keiichi beamed. "Of course we can do that. We're real gods, not wannabes."
Terrben said, "We'll see you at the party Captain. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. There'll be all kinds of interesting people there. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to leave for the next destination of our trip."
"Where are we going now, Son?" asked Keiichi.
"Furnikan High School," replied Terrben with a straight face.
"Why a high school?"
"It's a surprise!" answered Terrben with a grin.
The two visitors quietly disappeared.
As I wrote "We" I sympathized with my characters and felt really down. I needed to write a feel-good story as an antidote, to restore my balance. This is that story.
This is the fifth and last book in the KMT trilogy at this time. I don't expect to write more of these unless I can come up with another good story, and so far, I haven't.