"Do me a favor. Scratch my back."

"I am not scratching your back, McKay."

"Why not? I'd do it for you."

"You would? Aren't you the one who said from the back, without a shirt on, that I looked like a gorilla?"

"Well, yes, I did say that. But it was a joke. I know that you know I was kidding."

"The new blonde nurse at the next table at lunch didn't seem to realize that. Apparently your delivery sucks. The only thing she didn't do as she ran from the table was scream. And that's the only thing that kept it from seeming like a horror movie."

"Poor girl."

"Poor girl?"

"Oh, sorry. But seriously, if I've said it once then I've said it, well, more than once: you need to get over yourself. If you're worried about ever having sex again because some people know you have a hairy back…"

"First, most people wouldn't consider my back all that hairy, second, nobody would know about it if you hadn't opened your big mouth, and third, your back is hairier than mine."

"I think 'more hairy' works better in that sentence."

"I don't care if I got it grammatically correct or not, Syntax Man. Your back is HAIRIER than mine."

"Fine. Why are we arguing about this?"

"Because I'm not gettin' any because you have a big mouth."

"Ah-ha-ha-ha! What a damn shame. Do you have any idea when the last time was that I got any?"

"I'm really not all that worried about you."

"I can tell. Scratch my back, please?"

"Act like a bear, McKay. Rub up against a tree."

"I would do that, Colonel, but as I'm sure you haven't forgotten, I have a broken ankle and it's hard for me to maneuver. Plus, it's too high up for that to work anyway."

"It's not broken, Rodney, it's just a bad sprain. I, on the other hand, do have a broken arm."

"Only one! You could still scratch my back with the other."

"Rodney, why don't we just sit here quietly and wait for Ronon and Teyla?"

"Could you…"




"What are you doing?"

"I'm dancing a jig, what do you think I'm doing? You won't help, and there's something itching down my back. I'm trying to shake it loose."

"It's a good look for you. I wish I had a camera. And this is kind of entertaining, trying to figure out what music your 'dancing' to. Ouch."

"Very funny. And serves you right. Ooh. Oh. Huh. I think. Yeah. That's good. I'm pretty sure it's…OUCH!"


"I just got bit. Shit."

"Woke it up, huh?"

"Son of a bitch."

"Yeah. How do you feel?"

"Not good. God damn it. You know, if you'd scratched my back earlier…"

"You'd have gotten bit sooner."

"Or maybe you would have…crushed it before…it…had a…chance."

"Maybe. You ready?"

"Give…me that. You…only…have one…good…arm."

"I only need one, McKay. Just relax."


"Breathe. Come on, Rodney. Keep it going."


"Don't talk. Just breathe for a minute. They should be here soon."


"You sound better. Man I hate this."

"Tell…me 'bout it."

"Don't get cocky. Take it easy."


"Colonel Sheppard, do you read?"

"Teyla? Great. How far out?"

"Approximately five minutes."

"Good. Carson?"


"McKay got bit by something, had a reaction. I gave him one injection and he seems better."

"We'll be there in just a few minutes. Call me immediately if you notice signs that he's getting worse not better."

"You got it."

"I think…I'm o…kay."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Tired."

"Yeah, I know. Carson will be here soon. And you'll get a lift back to the gate."


"Colonel, we are coming up the rise."

"I see you, Teyla."

"Hey, Ronon."

"How's your arm? And McKay?"

"I'm okay. Well, arm hurts. Rodney's…"

"So, Rodney, how did this happen, son?"

"Sheppard wouldn't scratch my back."

The End.