A/N- I edited this a lot. eh just felt like it.

I do not own Naruto

Chapter 1- Really, Really Bad Ideas

Kabuto grimaced in horror as his eyes lay upon the bill before him. He stared ever so darkly at the bright and pretty bold letters underlined at the bottom that read off only as:

Total fee- $9873498754091875.98

"Oh Hell," Kabuto moaned, he glanced over to his boss, "Lord Orochimaru, have you seen this thing?" Orochimaru looked up, and gave a glance to Kabuto signaling he wasn't getting out of his chair for some retarded bill. After all he'd been plastered to it for three years last week. To that very day he was still denying the fact that he had gained a grandiose total of two-hundred and forty-eight pounds, over the years, which seemed to get only more and more stressful since Tayuya started proclaiming that it was his own fault for wasting his life doing nothing other than constantly eating Pringles and watching reruns of Reno 911. That soon led to a very long and bitter bickering contest which changed subject every few minutes it seemed to go on. To tell the truth it didn't end until around two that morning when Lord Orochimaru (Ironically) started choking on his Pringles, Though Tayuya just found that even more amusing.

Orochimaru slammed his fist on the side of his now permanent throne. "Damn it! I knew we should have invaded Konoha three years ago!"

Kabuto heaved a short sigh, here the snake bastard went with the past regret declarations again. He rolled his eyes. "Yes, Lord Orochimaru, we all get it, but explain how were supposed to get rid of this debt?"

Kidoumaru stepped behind Kabuto to examine the bill. He whistled in response. "It says in two days' they're going to take our furniture away…"

"Well, fuck..." Tayuya muttered in reply.


"Well I don't know!"

"A bake sale!" Jirobo demanded, however he was completely ignored.

"Lets sell Ukon." Sakon offered. His brothers head turned over from his back swiftly.

"What?! You're my brother!" Ukon retorted.

"Yes, but you're possessive."

"I'm part of your body!"

"Exactly my point," Sakon smirked, "I need some space."

"You're an asshole, Sakon."

"I hate you, Ukon."

Everyone just forced themselves to move away from that situation.

"We could sell my bones..." Kimimaru muttered, causing a creepy air to flow across the room, so in fear they moved on, facing Sasuke.


One might wonder why Sasuke was here. You see, aside from wanting to kill Itachi, Sasuke has a horrible terrible weakness. He never heard of never take candy from strangers, especially if the wrapper reads:



So here he was now, bit too late to go back.

He sighed. "And that's when he said, foolish little brother, you are weak, and why are you weak? Because you lack PRESENTS! Then he jumped out the window laughing like a lunatic. Killed that entire Christmas...he stole my girlfriend and my presents, and the eggnog. That's why my life is so dark, you know? I really want to kill that guy."

Silence, Silence overtook them from that. Orochimaru shook his head. "Okay, that had nothing to do with anything...um...No more requests from Sasuke..."

They looked at Tayuya, whom glared back at them. "Why the fuck do you think I would know?"



"Hey, I'm not a freak!" Kidoumaru protested, only causing everyone to turn.

"Kidoumaru, you have SIX arms." Tayuya protested.

"Well you don't have to be so mean about it Tayuya..."

"Jirobo is a fat ass, Kimimaru has a bone obsession, and Sakon and Ukon somehow manage to have a fucking sibling rivalry from INSIDE the same fucking body. Oh by the way, anyone notice our leader is one of the biggest DUMBASSES on this show?"

There was much silence until Kabuto raised his hand. "Tayuya, you forgot me."

"OH! Sorry about that...ummmmm...you look...like a...nerd?"

"Thank you, I will get angry now."

She watched as their faces twisted into angry glares, and she stepped back, acknowledging what kind of trouble she was in. She then exited the room with a simple utterance of: "I have to get out of this rundown hellhole…"

"What a bitch..." Kidoumaru muttered.

"I'm not fat am I?" Jirobo frowned, tearing up.

"...What is wrong with bones?"

"He's such a jerk, the last time I ran into him, He pretended to trip and spill Kool-aid all over my favorite shirt. Then he pledged to make it up to me by cleaning my laundry, told me to bring the detergent, and when I came back, his clothes were there and he had left a note saying to do big brother a favor and wash his clothes and then I.."

"WILL YOU STOP BITCHING?!" Orochimaru shouted at Sasuke, who silenced immediately. "I have a plan to get rid of little bitchy Tayuya..."

Everyone leaned forward.


"You know, Orochimaru, it would be good for you to get up after all these years..."


Kabuto sighed. Why even bother. He tossed Orochimaru his cell phone. Then Orochimaru dialed the numbers he knew so well.


"Hello, this is the evil Lord Orochimaru." He spoke into the cell phone. "I would like to place an ad in the paper."

There was a pause.

"Yes, yesss. For a mail order bride,"

Everyone chuckled; this had to be a joke. He was joking, Surely.


"Help me think of some exotic last name, you guys..." He held his hand over the talking part.

"Uhhh...Mango." Jirobo suggested, of course food.

"Lopee..." Kidoumaru said.

"Not a hick name, an EXOTIC name."

"Bones,"There was no doubt of the source of that request.


"Ah, good Kabuto."

"Yes a Miss Tayuya Leveene."

"She is seventeen now."


"Yes, for the perverts, indeed, let's see..."

"Something really sexual sounding..."

"She'll last all night long..."

"That will do? Great!"

"Tomorrow morning, great, the price is, um $9873498754091875.98"

"Wow, that's cheap for them? GOOD!"

"A looks description...hmmm"

"Thin hot red-headed, great tan,"

"That's all?"


He hung up the phone, everyone stared at him.

"Man, Orochimaru..." Kidoumaru chuckled. "She is going to be pissed..."

"Please tell me that was a joke..." Kabuto muttered.

Orochimaru looked up with his fat piggy face, "Nope."