I believe this is my last chapter! Or is it? Kinda hard to really chose an ending when you do random writing. Yet, I like it like that! Oh, and I think I might want to add a bit of a warning. Though this is the last chapter, there's a bit...graphicness in it. Not so much with actions but with words. I'm telling you now 'cause I don't wanna hear any flames coming from anyone because of my...outspokeness? Anyways, read if you want to, I'm not gonna stop you. Just remember what I've said!
A Series of Unfortunate Events
(and the start of some new one's)
It was late dusk when Sesshomaru finally got back home. Everyone was in the dining room, eating something that Izayoi had whipped up. The remains of his carrot stew was still on the walls. He glanced at his brother to see how he and Miroku were doing. Not so well.
Inuyasha had cramps all over his body due to the positon they were in. He couldn't move freely and half the time he was only going where Miroku wanted to go. Finally having enough, he shouted at him, "Don't you care about me? We're now one yet you still treat me like shit! I thought that we'd come to understand each other, but now I see that you only care about rubbing Kaede's ass!" Kaede turned around from her necking with Totosai and gave a cruel look to the monk. "What? It's this cursed hand!" Miroku said defensively.
Sesshomaru dropped the bag of items he was carrying right into the plate of food in front of the old pristess. "Here's yo shit," he said in a bored expression. Totosai glared at him. "How dare you treat my woman like that!" Sesshomaru whipped his head around at him. "Whoa, hold up. You two are...going steady?! Ah, damn! Old people sex! Why ain't nobody hit me up on my cell to tell me?" Everyone but Inutaisho stared at him. "You mean...you too like older women?" Izayoi mumbled under her breath, "Older, yeah. One foot from the grave's more like it."
Sesshomaru bowed his head in mock modesty. "I find older women more mature. You remember Keita? That's why." Intaisho stared at him for a moment. Then, without warning, he reached over and hugged him. "That's all I've ever wanted." "For me to find a mature woman?" Sesshomaru asked. "No, to like elderly women. Now you're more like me. You're little brother acts like he's too good to get down with an octogenarian."(person in their eighties). Sesshomaru smirked. He was already making plans to date the woman who had up-rooted Kikyou's remains. Yes, she was a nicely seasoned woman...
Inutaisho turned to Inuyasha. "Inuyasha, you make for a sorry ass Lord of the West. You watch Sex and the City, Napolean Dynamite, and the L Word. Well, except for that last one, those shows are unacceptable. Nothing's wrong with watching a little lesbian action." The room went silent again. "What? Oh, come on now Izayoi. You can't tell me you don't like watching those yaoi flicks." She glared at him. "Those were hidden under the floorboards. How'd you find them?!" "I have camera's all over the place. I saw when you buried them. Hell, I also saw when you got off the toilet without wiping 'cause there was no more toilet paper in the bathroom. All you had to do was call and I'd give you some from one of the others ones. Now you know why I didn't sleep with you that night."
Inuyasha hated seeing his mother on the spot like that. He tried to cross the room to direct his father's attention with a fight, but his link to Miroku stopped him. Turning to Kaede, he said, "When the hell are you gonna seperate us? Everytime he feels on Sango's or Kagome's ass, I'm the one who gets slapped, not him!" Kaede sighed and picked up the bag from her food. "Sesshomaru, I'd kick ye's ass if I wasn't so--" "Ancient?" Sesshomaru cut in. "Seasoned? Past your prime? Older than dirt? More senile than Helen Keller?" Kaede blinked slowly at him. "Alright, keep cracking jokes. Ye's going to regret it one of these days." "Oh yeah, how?" "You'll see." She turned back to the items.
Putting all of it in the same pot that Inutaisho had slung off the table, she put it on to boil. While it was cooking, she ground up the monkey paws and the rosachimilifulicarmus. Throwing that in with the rest of the stuff, she stirred it slowly. The smell seemed familiar to Sesshomaru. Going over to the pot, he noticed that it looked very familiar to the same thing that the "Oracle" was making. "Damn! So all I had to do was get a bottle of this shit from her?! That would've saved a hell of a lot of time so I could run game on her!" Keade stared at him. "An elderly woman making the same potion I was? That's a family brew, meaning that that was my other sister, the one my mother disowned because she felt that she lacked the spiritual powers of me and Kikyou.
Inutaisho gave a whoop of laughter. "That's my boy! Keep it all in the family!" "Oh, Father, speaking of keeping it in the family, Naraku thinks that you slept with Kagura,"Sesshomaru said. Inutaisho's eyes went wide for a moment, then narrowed as he smiled. "Yeah, I knocked her down. What of it?" "She's pregnant." "Oh, hell no!" Izayoi shouted. Standing up, she screamed, "I've had it! All of your lying! All of your cheating! Inutaisho, you already know that I've always thought about being with Brad Pitt and that I like yaoi flicks, but here's part three of my confession. I also slept with Tom Cruise."
A/N: I got the part three of my confession thing from Weird Al's song, Confessions, part III. Saw it on YouTube, loved it ever since. If you havn't heard it, type it in. There's no real video for it, but if you like randomness, that song has it!
Everyone gasped. "I can't believe it!" Kagome said. "I can't believe it!" Sango said. "I can't believe it's not butter!" Inutaisho said, holding up a piece of toast. More stares. "So, you had a fling with Tom Cruise, hm? Good, my hit wasn't unreasonable." "What?!" Izayoi shouted. "Yeah, I had a suspicion that you and him were getting to be a little buddy-buddy. So, I put a hit out on him too. Everyone knows that he's an avid environmentalist, so I told my men to put a turtle in the road. He of course swerved to miss hitting it, causing him to break the guardrails on the bridge he was on and plunge to his death twenty feet below."
The others in the room looked at one another. "Dad, I'm not sure that Tom Cruise gives a damn for turtles," Inuyasha said. His father did a double take at him. "He doesn't? Damn, knew I shoud've made it a lachupacabra." "That's a Mexican myth," Sesshomaru corrected. His father seethed, but didn't comment.
Keade put the concoction in a bowl and passed it to Inuyasha. "Drink. This will seperate ye from the lecher." Inuyasha downed the contents. A glow emanated from his body. "Wow, this stuff's great. Makes you feel kinda light. What do you call it?" "Red Bull," Keade said simply. "Oh! I get it!" Inuyasha said. Then suddenly, he started gasping and fell on the floor, twitching as though he were having a seizure. Miroku looked down at him. "Damn. He would still be connected to me and die."
But as with the old woman, Inuyasha got up a moment later. "Why am I still connected to you?" Inuyasha asked Miroku. Kaede put another bowl of the potion in front of the monk, who drank it quickly. The same events happened to him, glowing, seizures, then revival. A few seconds went by. "Man, Kaede, your family potion is a piece of shit!" He wrenched away from Miroku to cross his arm, and ended up falling over due to not having his equilibrium. Miroku did not fall with him. Inuyasha stared at his now free hand which was still holding Tetsusaiga. But he didn't have time to stare long. Miroku's wind tunnel was still open. He stabbed the sword in the ground to keep from being pulled back into it.
The plates, table, stove, fridge and deep freezer were all sucked up. Before Miroku could close it, Jaken also went flying into the deep abyss. Miroku quickly pulled the beads over his hand. He gave a sheepish glance around the room. "Any one mind him going?" Different variations of "no" were voiced. That over with, the monk shrugged and started oogling Kaede again.
The old priestess walked over to Kagome, snatched her hands, and made her take the beads off of Inuyash'a neck. "I believe ye has learned his lesson and will not try to kill you again. But as for his brother..." She crossed the room with speeds unheard of by elderly people and placed the necklace on Sesshomaru. "I give Rin the power to choose how to control you. Rin?" The little girl thought for a moment, then said, "Scratch your ass!" Immediatly, Sesshomaru started digging. "Rin! After all I've done for you! This is how you treat me?!" "You pay more attention to Michelle than to me! I have needs too!"
The room got silent. "Sesshomaru," his father said. "I like 'em old, not young. What the hell have you been doing with that child?" "Nothing!" "And that's just it!" Rin cried. "When I want to have a tea party, you always say, I'm spending time with Michelle! Or if I try to give you a flower, you say that Michelle gave you one better! I hate Michelle!" Sesshomaru sighed. "I know. Things didn't work out between us anyways. Besides, how much fun can you have with a piece of paper? That's why I've moved on to Tsubaki!"
Everyone shook thier heads in disappointment. But I'll save that relationship for another story!
And thus is the end! So, how'd everyone like it? I plan to take a small break before I get to writing my next piece of work, perhaps doing a few small pieces of writing until then. Remember, if it ain't cottage cheese and mustard, then it ain't food! Peace out and holla at ya girl!
Amanda Denise Williams