A/N: The result of over-contemplating the sexual overtones and symbols found in Harry Potter, mixed with waiting for my younger brother to be done with the PC so that I can use it.

(Read 'Harry Potter and the Collided Worlds' by Sokai, story id 2502930)

It Makes Sense!

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: I own nothing. There will be no sequel. This is pure crack.


At the Gryffindor table, Ron and Hermione were arguing. This was nothing new.

"It makes sense Ron! Don't you see? This explains everything, a unifying theory of all actions!" Hemione declared fervently, her supper forgotten as she argued with her best-slash-boyfriend-but-neither-will-admit-it-just-yet-friend, Ron.

"Oh, come off it Hermione!" Ron said. "It's crazy! It's nuts! Merlin, it's perverted! There's no way it can be right!"

They argued constanly in this vein for the next little while. Between them, Harry was slouched over almost against the table, trying to eat as they argued over him and desperately trying to will himself to invisibility. It beat thinking about Hermione's crazy theory…

About halfway through the meal, Professor McGonagall finally had enough as she stalked towards the table. "Really, this has gone on far enough! Just what are you two arguing about that you see it fit to interrupt our dinner?"

"Professor," Hermione said, glaring at Ron as if daring him to say anything. He looked like he would. "I have developed a theory that according to all available facts, explains the reasoning behind all of You-Know-Who's actions to date!"

"And I say," Ron said as he glared at the bushy-haired-girl-who-was-actually-his-girlfriend-but-neither-will-admit-it-just-yet, "that it's crazy, it's nuts and it's perverted!"

Despite herself, McGonagall- and everyone else in earshot, which was pretty much all of Hogwarts- was curious as to this 'theory'. She just had to ask. "And what exactly is you theory, miss Granger?"

Everyone leaned in to listen.

"My theory," Hermione said proudly, her voice carrying to every corner of the Great Hall, "is that You-Know-Who is a submissive masochistic homosexual pedophile who is completely fixated on Harry because of narcissistic tendencies, stemming from his penis envy which is the result of the fact he no longer has man-bits, most likely because he fed them a basilisk."

For ten whole seconds, there was absolute silence. Then as one, everyone but Ron, Harry, and Hermione facefaulted. Yes, even Dumbledore and Luna. Harry just redoubled his efforts to disappear, while Ron muttered about perverts.

"Um, how did you come by this theory, Miss Granger?" Dumbledore asked as he peeled his face from the floor. He couldn't help it. He just had to know!

Hermione took the deep breath that signaled a long lecture as Ron began shaking his head.

"Well first, is his penis envy, the root cause of it all, stemming from the fact he is a eunuch," she began, and all males involuntarily closed their legs. "According to what Harry has told me, there's a distinct possibility that he fed his to the basilisk to gain control over it with something other than Parseltongue. After all, Ebil Stoof Grimoire by P. Lotd Vice states that to control one you must feed it a 'little serpent', so snip-snip went trouser-snake.

"This leads us to his masochism, as he apparently had no problem removing his own manhood. Besides, his favorite spell is apparently the Cruciatus, underlying the pain fetish. His homosexuality and submissiveness both stem from the fact that, save for Bellatrix Lestrange, he has no female Deatheaters, clearly showing his preference for the male type. Since he was no 'instrument' with which to dominate, he is clearly a submissive. His attempts at Harry clearly show his pedophilia, as does his narcissism, since according to Harry, Tom Riddle and he share a significant resemblance–"

"And just how do you know he doesn't have any man-bits?" Ron challenged.

"Harry didn't mention seeing any when Voldemort was restored."

At this, everyone turned to Harry, who was looking very green around the gills. He looked up blearily. "What?" he said, obviously trying to get himself under control.

"What do you think about all this, Harry?" Hermione pressed as Ron and she– and the rest of the school– watched him eagerly, clearly wanting his opinion. His stomach roiled at the thought. He tried to keep silent, but their insistent stares forced him to answer.

"Actually…" he began, trying not to lose what little supper he'd had. "It makes sense…"

That said, he leaned over the side and puked all over the floor.


- THE END!!!!! (pukes on floor too)


A/N: (sigh) I'm not sure what I was thinking. This is the sort of idea that seems good and clear when you're trying to keep yourself occupied and not do horrible things to your brother for hogging the computer.

On a side note, I've been working on a Terra X Raven pic. I should have it colored in time for Christmas.




Lucius Malfoy bowed before his Lord, knowing this might be his last day on earth. "My Lord, Draco has told me the reason for the events in Hogwarts," he said, 'the events' being Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore being confined to the Hospital with in States of shock, the latter mumbling noting but "So that's how I failed him… so that's how I failed him…", the former alternately muttering and screaming "Keep that perverted bastard away from me!".

"Well?" Voldemort prompted.

Malfoy took a deep breath, looked back on all his sins, regretted some of them, was glad he had his Will ready, and plunged in. "This was apparently caused by the Mudblood Granger espousing the theory that your lordship was…" he faltered.


"That you were a submissive masochistic homosexual pedophile who is completely fixated on Harry Potter because of narcissistic tendencies, stemming from your penis envy which is the result of the fact you no longer have 'man-bits', most likely because you fed them a basilisk," Lucius rushed, his wand pointed at himself behind his robes, ready to use Avada Kedavra at a moments notice if it looked like the Dark Lord was going to draw out his death…

There was a scream from the throne.

"HOW DID SHE KNOW?" Voldemort screamed.

Every Deatheater blinked and took a cautious step back. Fathers began making notes to keep their sons away form their boss…


So that no one would bug me about Voldemort's reaction…

Please review, C&C welcome. This is a one-shot, so don't bug me for more!

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.