I just saw the trailer for 'A Dog's Breakfast' (thank you ilovedanieljackson, this story is totally your fault) on youtube which just happens to have a very wet, very naked David Hewlett featured in it.

After I recovered from the heart attack and my wonderful gutter of a mind stopped careening off in twelve different incredibly dirty directions, a story began to form in the confines of my sick, twisted, chocolate laden brain.

The things I put McKay through...oy vey.

Forgive me, Rodney, forgive me...



You would think, with all the advanced technology that the Ancients spent centuries creating, they would have come up with something that resembled a bathtub in the course of their development.

You would be wrong.

The city of Atlantis was completely bathtub free.

Oh there were showers, which saved the assembled crew the hassle of smelling like barn animals, but nothing in the world could replace a bathtub.

At least, not in Rodney McKay's opinion.

Showers were great for hopping in and out of in a hurry, sure, but in order to be truly squeaky clean, one needed a bathtub. Besides, when soothing away the aches and pains of the day, jet powered streams of water beating against you didn't come close to replacing the healing power of a soak in the tub.

Rodney could remember his apartment back on Earth. It wasn't the largest he could've afforded, but by God, it had a positively gargantuan bathtub.

Sometimes Rodney would stare with contempt at the Ancient designed shower in his quarters, wishing that it was a bathtub more than anything in the world. When he was tired and sore and needed a bath, he found himself hating that shower more than anything. More than the Wraith, more than the Replicators, more than that weird green gooey stuff he'd gotten stuck in on P3X-289 last week...

He was beginning to hold a grudge against the Ancients as well. Gate building be damned, he wanted a bath! What was so hard about that? A hollowed out shuck of material that could hold hot water! For crying out loud, it wasn't rocket science!

His opinion of them changed drastically late one night, however, when he was wandering the city, crankily cursing his sore back.

Teyla had insisted he train with her today and he was feeling the after effects.

Actually, train was the wrong word.

'Let the Crazy Amazon Warrior Woman bludgeon me mercilessly with sticks' was a more appropriate term.

Rodney stopped walking when something in his low back pinched painfully.

That couldn't have been good.

He sighed and put one hand against the wall next to him, using the other to rub the troublesome muscle as best he could. He shifted slightly, putting more weight on the wall in order to straighten out his spine a bit better.

Which was a bad idea, because the wall gave way and he hit the floor on the other side.

Wait a minute...on the other side?

Rodney scrambled to his feet, eyes wide and panic seized his chest, caused by the temporary disorientation.

The panic was replaced by an entirely new emotion when he took in his surroundings.

The fact that everything in sight was blue was what he noticed first. Everything was covered in tiles of varying shades of blue, the same blue that was to be found in little touches all over the city. The tiles were everywhere...the floors, the walls, the ceiling, the bathtub.

The bathtub?


Rodney rubbed his eyes for a solid minute before he looked back at the room.

Yes, it was still there.

The biggest bathtub he'd ever seen.

Once Rodney established that he wasn't seeing things, he turned around and faced the wall he had fallen through. He gingerly brought his hand up and placed it against the solid structure and found, to his surprise, it was indeed...solid.

There was that panic creeping into his chest again.

To have found a bathtub only to be trapped inside with it forever!

Oh cruel fate! Oh unfair circumstance! Oh poor unfortunate soul! Oh-

Wait a minute.

Never mind.

When he gave a desperate shove, the wall gave once more and he found himself outside in the corridor again.


The pain in his back temporarily forgotten, Rodney started for the control room where he could poke around the maps of the city.

How was it they missed an entire room? It was near his quarters, which was an area of the city's map that he had been over countless times, how could he have missed it?

Sure, he could understand if one of the idiot techs had overlooked it, but him?

Good grief, if it was known that there was a hot tub on Atlantis, everyone would-

Rodney stopped walking.

Good God, they'd never get Sheppard out of it.

Rodney could see it now, plain as if it was happening right in front of him. Any time they had a visiting alien priestess, Sheppard would find a way to make that a part of the private tour.

The Kirk Special.

The physicist's brow furrowed unattractively.

Why should he let that happen? Why should anyone else find out about this?

The proverbial light bulb clicked on over Rodney's head.

He found it. He was the hardest working man in Pegasus...

If anyone deserved a little bit of pampering...


Rodney's skin was red and his toes were beginning to get pruny.

And he was enjoying every minute of it.

After the initial discovery of the glorious room several months ago, Rodney had found ways of sneaking off when things were calm so he could spend some quality time with his bathtub.

At least once a week he found himself in 'The Room', up to his neck in nearly scalding hot water, letting all the cares of the day literally wash away from him.

It was amazing how something as simple as a bathtub could put the Ancients back in good standing in the opinion of the snarky scientist.

And what a bathtub.

It might have looked good, but it felt heavenly.

He grinned a little to himself as he splashed some of the soap suds away, perfectly content and feeling like all was right with the universe.

His contentment was rudely interrupted, however, when there was a crash from the far side of the room, caused by Colonel Sheppard hitting the floor much the same way Rodney had all those months ago. Sheppard recovered much faster than Rodney had and got to his feet, dusting himself off.

Sheppard looked around with awe, "Woah...nice digs, Rodney."

"How did you get in here?" Rodney exclaimed, grabbing for his towel and hastily covering up what the soap suds didn't conceal, "How did you know I was here?"

How did Sheppard find him? This room hadn't been on any of the maps, Rodney had checked. There was no way to find the entrance unless it was found by accident, the way he had found it, yet the Colonel didn't look the least bit surprised to see him.

"I heard something coming from inside the wall." Sheppard pointed behind himself, "I just pressed against it and it gave way."

Rodney's brow knit together. He heard something? Was there some kind of noise the room made when occupied that he wasn't aware of?

No...that couldn't be it. If that were the case, he'd have been found out long before now.

He narrowed his eyes at Sheppard suspiciously, "What did you hear?"

Sheppard quirked an eyebrow at Rodney and smirked, "You were singing 'Rubber Ducky'."


A/N: -snickersnort-

Sorry. God am I ever sorry.

I noticed there's a rubber ducky shower curtain and one on the sink in the DH naked clip for A Dog's Breakfast.

So the information went in: David Hewlett/NAKEDNAKEDNAKED/Bathtub/Rubber Duckies

And came out: McKay in a bathtub singing Rubber Ducky

I think I'm going to get a lot of writing mileage out of that trailer...the orange-y Paul McGillion is just begging for it.