Thought I would update again, just to show that I am officially back and committed to finishing this story! Thank you for the reviews! I understand that 4 years is a long time to go without updating a story, but thankfully the other 15 chapters are there just waiting to remind you of what has happened and I would love it if you would re-read. I think you will find it JDAlicious! Please, please R&R! There was a time when reviews were coming in thick and fast for this story, so let's make it so again! ;) I'll make it worth your while! Taking a break on the 1st person for a little while too, there are too many emotions flying around to just focus on one perspective. Best to leave a bit of mystery, eh? Enjoy your angst dinner, with a side dish of angst! xx
JD moaned quietly as he awoke, Kelso watched him intently, his brow furrowed with a mixture of sadness and concern. An expression that can only be found on an older person looking at the misfortunes of someone much younger and inexperienced. Rolling his head from one side to the other, JD was slowly stirring. Then suddenly, as if a vivid memory had disturbed him, his eyes shot open, he threw himself into a sitting position and his arms hit out to combat any possible assailant. His eyes were wild and desperate, searching the room for a split second before he realised he was in Sacred Heart. Almost as an after thought, JD then cried out in pain, clutching his sides where his ribs had been broken, falling back down to his pillow.
"You okay, sport?" Asked Kelso. JD shot his gaze towards the voice, a wince and a brief flash of fear betrayed his answer.
"Yes... sir." JD eyed Dr. Kelso with intrigue. "Have you been here all night?"
Kelso shuffled uncomfortably, muttering under his breath. "Well... in a... manner of.. er speaking..." He trailed off. After a few moments of awkward silence, Kelso continued. "But I must go now."
JD dropped his gaze and nodded, his face displayed no reaction.
As Kelso walked through the door, he went to close it. JD exploded with desperation.
"NO! No!" Kelso peered round the door, curiously. JD continued, "the door must be open. It mustbeopen." He heavily emphasised the last three words as if it was some sort of compulsion. His eye contact with Kelso never faltered. This was an order.
Kelso merely nodded and pushed the door back so JD could see into the corridor. He took a final glance at the young doctor, then swiftly left.
The hospital was alive with people once again, as it had been when JD worked there only a week before. He could hear people chatting to each other and see people walking past his door. Some glanced in giving him the sympathetic eye. Although JD barely noticed, his gaze was fixed at a spot on the bed sheet. He was clearly deep in thought, so deep in thought he didn't even notice Turk, Carla and Elliot watching him from the Nurse's station.
Elliot stared at JD with great sadness in her eyes, she was just on the verge of shedding a tear when she pulled herself together. Turning to Carla and Turk she flicked her bangs out of her face and used her best commanding tone.
"Right, what do we do now?"
"Well there's not a lot I can do, Elliot, not till I come back anyway." Turk replied. Turk was only an hour away from leaving to attend his father's funeral, he had told his family he would stay for 2 days, but that was all. Deep down, Carla doubted he would keep to his promise. She didn't expect to see Turk for at least another 4 days. But she wasn't going to tell him that.
Carla rested her head in her hands. She didn't know how much more thinking she could do.
"I just don't know Elliot. I just don't know how to help him. He screamed at me to get out last night. He's terrified of losing us, so instead he's pushing us away."
"Well maybe together we'll have some more luck then?" Elliot smiled hopefully. "Show him that we're not going anywhere, well, except for Turk that is. But that... can't be... helped." She tailed off with the last couple of words, feeling slightly guilty for pointing that out. Carla shrugged her shoulders.
"Yeah, maybe you're right."
"I don't see us having any other choice, baby, do you?" Turk wrapped his arm around his wife.
"Okay, let's do this." Elliot said with great positivity, although they all knew it was complete bravado, it did help them feel a little more confident.
So together they headed towards JD's door.
Cox entered the hospital, his pallor was sallow and unhealthy. He had dark circles around his eyes and his appearance was dishevelled. But for once, he was sober. He walked into the entrance hall with a purpose about him. Today, he decided, was the day he came back to work.
Laverne was stood behind the reception desk, her mouth dropped open when she saw Dr. Cox in his white lab coat.
"You cannot be serious." She questioned in her usual tone.
Dr. Cox simply eyed her and carried on his journey into the hospital.
Making his way over to the board, he picked up a pile of charts and proceeded to erase the names of some of the attendings on duty, inserting his own name next to the patients indicated on the charts. He smiled with satisfaction.
He suddenly heard Laverne's voice from down the corridor.
"Now this, Dr. Kelso, is something you gotta see."
Cox turned to see Laverne leading Kelso straight towards him. Nurses, interns and attendings alike, all stopped what they were doing in anticipation of a confrontation.
"Perry, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Kelso spoke through gritted teeth.
"I am returning to work, Bobbo. What did you expect me to do? Drink myself into oblivion?"
"It wouldn't be the first time." Kelso turned his head away and muttered. "You haven't even buried your wife yet, Perry. Don't be stupid."
"Actually, Bob, I buried her 2 days ago." He still used a mocking tone but there wasn't the same emotion behind it. "As if you think I would invite anyone from this God forsaken dump to my wife's funeral? It's because of this place that she is gone!"
Kelso couldn't quite believe what he was hearing.
"Her funeral has taken place?"
"Would you like to me to syringe your ear holes, handsome? Or shall I just say it again, a little bit louder?" Perry smiled with delight at mocking his boss.
"You should have told us." Kelso argued calmly.
"Why? So I can be another victim in this ridiculous story? What good would that do, Bob?"
Kelso's eyes softened slightly and he took his gaze away from Perry's and for a split second he glanced at JD's room. Cox watched him, slightly surprised.
"Fine." Kelso conceded, then snatched half of Cox's charts away. "But they are the most patients you are having." He nodded to the remaining charts in Cox's hands. "Take it or leave it."
Cox did his usual frustrated growl and answered through his teeth.
"Fine." He turned on his heels and walked off down the corridor.
"JD? Can we come in?" Elliot asked softly. He just kept staring. Turk shifted uncomfortably.
They moved further into the room, being very careful not to startle him. Carla nodded at Elliot to try again.
"JD?" She moved more into his line of sight. "JD? It's us." Elliot reached out to grab JD's hand but before she could get there, he shook himself as if leaving some sort of spell and looked up to meet her gaze.
Turk was still stood by the door, watching JD carefully and nervously.
"Oh... hey." JD managed a small smile. Then he looked to Carla sheepishly. "Have a sit down." He obviously felt guilty about what he had said the night before.
Carla smiled at him, her eyes lighting up at the recognition of their continued friendship. Elliot and Carla grabbed chairs as Turk eyed JD from the door. JD pretended not to notice.
"So... how are you?" Elliot asked and then felt extremely stupid. "Well... erm..." she turned her head to the side and quietly reprimanded herself. "Frick!" She turned back as if nothing had happened and smiled at JD.
For the first time, JD gave a genuine smile and shook his head to let her know it was okay.
"How did you sleep?" Carla asked.
JD moved to sit up slightly and winced.
"Do you need some painkillers?" Carla moved to get up, "I'll get your doctor."
"No!... No. I'm okay." JD worked to control his frustrations. He didn't want everyone fussing over him like this. It just made him feel more weak.
"You sure?" Elliot questioned.
JD nodded as if to say, that's my final answer. A few moments of awkward silence arose and Carla found herself trying to fill it.
"Turk's going away today. To his Dad's funeral." JD finally acknowledged Turk, still feeling unable to give him eye contact.
"Oh, yeah... I'm sorry."
"Thanks man." Turk walked up to the end of the bed and leaned onto it. "Sorry I'm not gonna be around for the next couple of days. This is just... somethin' I gotta do." He can't even look at me. Does he hate me because I couldn't help him? Or does he just feel so shit about himself that he can't look me in the eye?
"Turk," finally JD levelled his gaze with Turk's. "You don't have to feel bad about going to your own father's funeral."
Turk looked down at his feet.
"I know, but -"
"No buts Turk, I am fine." JD almost said the last few words in a tone that told Turk to drop it. As a result, Turk felt a flutter of frustration.
"Right." Turk said quietly and slightly sarcastically. JD weighed him up for a few seconds.
"Right?" JD questioned. Turk in return, weighed up JD wondering whether to answer, feeling frustrated, he let his temper get the better of him.
"Yeah, right." Turk repeated the word in the same sarcastic tone.
"What's that supposed to mean?" JD was looking annoyed now.
"Guys, let's not do this now." Elliot said carefully.
"No, Elliot! He has something to say, let him say it." JD said in a angry, desperate tone. Feeling slightly reprimanded, Turk turned away. "What's up, Turk? Can't even look at me now?" JD was getting some sort of warped satisfaction out of taking out his frustrations on his friends. He smiled. "Do I make you feel sick?"
Turk shot a shocked gaze at his friend.
"JD!" Carla tried to calm him down.
"Does it make you feel uncomfortable that I might just be okay? That I can deal with this without any of your help?" They weren't sure who he was trying to convince, them or himself.
"I don't believe you." Turk said flatly.
"What?" JD eyed Turk dangerously. For the first time, Turk noticed a similarity between JD and Dave. As disgusted with himself as that made him feel, he supposed it was hard to go through that for so long without picking up some of the guy's madness.
"That you're okay... I don't believe you." Turk challenged JD.
"Turk, stop it! Please." Elliot begged him.
Turk's comment obviously hit home with JD, as he snapped, shooting forwards in the bed like a wild animal.
"What the fuck would you know about it, Turk?"
Turk leaned over the bed, getting as close to JD as he could.
" BECAUSE I WAS THERE! How can you be okay? JD! How can you? You tell me that! We watched him beat the living crap outta you, he, he – he had his hands fuckin' everywhere -" JD looked down closing his eyes.
"Turk!" Carla tried to cut in.
" He assaultedyou, JD." Elliot put her head in her hands, desperate for the ground to swallow her up. " And God only knows what happened in the bedroom! And then when he was done, he left you for dead. How the hell can you say you're fine?"
JD's eyes were filling up with tears, he tried desperately to hold them back. He couldn't help looking towards his doorway and the numerous faces who were now staring in.
"Can you speak up a little?"
Turk turned around, noticing the open door, he swore under his breath and quickly went to close it. Carla and Elliot rolled their eyes in frustration.
"I'm sorry, JD."
JD took a deep breath out and looked Turk square in the eye. Carla went to speak but he cut her off with a raise of his hand.
"This is who I am, Turk. This was my life, before I ever met you. I shouldn't have to explain myself to make you feel better about how you're feeling." Turk flinched, embarrassed at that comment.
"But JD, I just don't understand how you're okay! You are pushing us away!"
"And you are making it easy." Turk's mouth dropped open.
"What?... Why? Because I don't have your warped sense of what's normal?" JD ran his hand across his eyes in frustration. "Well let me tell you, JD. That's not normal! What he did, that ain't normal at all!"
"Turk -" Elliot tried to intervene but was cut off by JD.
"Well what Turk? What do you want me to do? Fall apart? Would that suit you better?" JD was seriously annoyed now and Turk was starting to feel like he was hitting his head against a brick wall.
"No, JD. No! But I don't want you think it's normal!"
"IT'S NORMAL TO ME!" Turk was shocked into silence by JD's outburst. Finally the tears broke free from JD's eyes and came rolling down his face. Elliot and Carla did not have the heart to say anything. They couldn't tell him he was right, but they didn't want to take Turk's side either. So they stayed silent, tears creeping into their own eyes. JD's spoke with a shaky voice. "10 years, Turk. 10 years. More than a third of my life spent this way. I'm not saying it's right." He paused to compose himself. "But I learned how to cope, I've dealt with this since I was 8. I can deal with it now."
"But your not coping, you're avoiding!"
"I have to do what I have to do, Turk." JD wiped his eyes.
Carla was so desperate to say something, but she looked from JD to Turk and realised this was something they both needed to do. They weren't even recognising the fact that the ladies were in the room at all. Their complete focus and attention was on each other.
Turk shook his head in disagreement and opened his mouth to speak, but then stopped himself. As if some sort of barricade dropped in front of his thought. He looked at JD in worried shock.
"Since you were 8?" Feeling incredibly uncomfortable under Turk's scrutinising gaze, JD's lip pursed together and he nodded. "But I met you when you were just 18." JD glanced up at Turk sadly, begging him not to go there. "10 years, you said. 10 years. You were living with me in Med. School." Turk looked incredibly confused. JD rubbed his eyes again.
"Don't think about it Turk. It's not worth it."
"Oh my god." Turk's mouth dropped open again and he stared hard at JD. "The phone calls, the three times you were 'mugged' – was that him?" JD turned his head away, not wanting to hear it. Elliot and Carla looked in shock. "That was why you were so desperate to move out of the flat and into student accommodation?... Yeah... you, you said it was 'more secure'. Oh my god. Did it keep happening when we moved? Did he follow you?" Turk came up to JD's bedside and grabbed him around the shoulders shaking him. "Did he?"
"Turk!" Both Carla and Elliot shouted desperately.
"NO!" JD screamed, the tears falling afresh. "No, he didn't... He couldn't find me. I had enough... When I moved, I told the guys at the flats to tell him I had left. That I wasn't studying there any more. He didn't bother me again. Only because he didn't know where I was." All three friends exchanged glances of horror and disgust. "I used to see him sometimes, walking the grounds of the campus. I avoided him, obviously. Made up a story about some girl being attacked by a man matching his description. Soon as the posters went up, he must have avoided the place... I didn't see him again. Until now." Turk nodded in understanding.
"I remember that." He said quietly. He suddenly felt the need to sit down. Pulling a chair up to the bed, he sat, clearly in shock. "I remember the posters. And I remember you had some weird interest in them. I just thought it was you being 'quirky'. But the muggings... they were all him?" JD nodded, ashamed. Turk dropped his head into his hand. "Jesus."
It went quiet again for a couple of minutes, this time, no one filled the silence, they were all lost in their own thoughts.
JD was staring at nothing again, his mind was elsewhere, trapped in a memory. When he spoke his words came out monotonous and emotionless, as if he was in a trance.
" It was worse when I was older. Strange. You'd think it would be worse when I was small. But when I was bigger I used to try and fight him off. That was when I realised I wasn't very strong." He laughed a sarcastic, angry sort of laugh. "I used to try and punch him. He would just grab my arms. I think it just spurred him on. The more I'd fight, the longer it would take and the worse he'd make it."
"JD, you don't have to do this." Carla tried to interrupt but JD just kept on talking in his trance-like state. She looked desperately to Turk and Elliot.
"He enjoyed it more when I was older. He used to tie me to the bed and blindfold me when he was at his best. One time, I was like that for two days." Elliot gasped in shock.
"I can't listen to this!" She sprang from her chair and left the room leaving the door wide open.
Turk eyed his wife, worried. She grabbed hold of JD's shoulder and shook him. "JD, stop!"
"He would untie my hands sometimes-"
"- but never my legs. They were my only chance-"
Turk shook him desperately. "JD! Stop it, please."
"- no upper body strength, could just hold me down."
They were both violently shaking him now and he wasn't coming out of his trance. It was like he was hypnotised.
Dr. Cox just so happened to be passing the room at that moment, hearing the desperate calls from Turk and Carla, he was suddenly bounced out of the way by Dr. Kelso who had seen what was happening from the Nurse's station. Panic set in and Dr. Cox quickly followed, assuming the worst. When he entered the room, JD was sat bolt upright, pale, sweating profusely and obviously lost in some sort of mind addled state. He was constantly talking, Cox automatically switched off his recognition of the words the second he heard "On top of me." and sprung into action. Pushing Carla out of the way, he joined Kelso in getting him to lie back down. At first he wouldn't move, but he eventually lay back. They kept shaking him.
"DR. DORIAN?" Kelso shouted every few seconds. "DR. DORIAN!"
Whilst Dr. Cox went straight to his face and started slapping lightly. He then picked up his limp hand and tried there. Still no response.
"DR. DORIAN!" Kelso finally grabbed hold of JD's nose and covered his mouth. "Hold him! Cover his eyes!" He shouted to Cox. For once, he followed the older man's lead.
All of a sudden JD tensed and started to fight against the two men. Carla and Turk looked at them like they were mad. They let go as soon as he started moving.
"Get off, get OFF!" JD shouted desperately. Upon seeing Kelso, he automatically calmed down. His breathing was heavy, exhausted he dropped backwards onto his pillows closing his eyes to calm himself.
"What the hell was that?" Carla asked the two doctors, angrily.
"Experience, sweetheart." Replied Kelso, shutting her up immediately. "Not nice and most certainly not recommended, but kinder than leaving someone in thatstate."
"It sure is." Dr. Cox seconded that. Upon hearing Cox's voice, JD opened his eyes and turned his head to look at him. A slight flicker of nerves danced in his eyes. When Cox met his gaze, his expression finally softened. "Okay, everyone out now. He needs rest."
Carla shakily reached over and took his hand and stroked his forehead. She moved in to kiss him, finding no objections she placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.
"See you later, Bambi."
Turk moved in to his bedside, unsure how to approach him.
"And I'll see you soon, man..." He reached his hand towards JD's then paused... trusting his original instincts, he patted his hand in a sort of 'take care' gesture. JD smiled at the gesture, as he knew Turk wasn't a one for touchy feely affection.
"Get some rest Dr. Dorian." Ordered Kelso. JD nodded.
As Turk, Carla and Kelso left the room, JD's gaze landed on Dr. Cox again. Cox moved closer to his bedside, staring down at the bed sheets rather sheepishly. Eventually he managed to speak.
"I'm sorry." When JD didn't answer, he looked up to find him still watching. This time he looked right into his eyes, "I'm sorry." JD managed a small - but genuine – smile. "Now get some rest, we'll talk in a couple of hours."
JD had already closed his eyes, exhausted both physically and mentally. Perry stood with him for a few minutes until he was sure his protegé was asleep. He then left the room, only to be greeted by two cops.
"Is that John Dorian?" They pointed into his room.
"Not right now. He's had enough for one day, thank you. You will have to come back later." He went to close the door to his room when Kelso stopped him.
"Perry, no! Leave it." Cox furrowed his brows at Kelso, but once again followed his request. Kelso approached the two police officers and led them down the hall to a room where they could talk. Turning back to the other three, he asked, "you coming?"