Title: Why did I do this again?
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything in this magical world. The characters and everything else you recognize belongs to JK Rowling and her publishers.
Warnings: Menions of MPreg and slash - Very little!!! and COMEDY!
This is in response to a Prompt on 'thematichp'.
Prompt #10 of Round 2: One of the characters goes back to the past to correct a mistake but f-cks it every time. Comedy.
Why did I do this again?
Severus ducked as various objects flew through the room. To say his husband was incensed would be the understatement of the century.
So, he had made a little mistake. Everybody made mistakes! He was only human after all, no matter what everybody else said.
He was no vampire with special powers and speed of lightning.
He was no dark creature of the night that could move from one place to another in the blink of an eye, through shadows or whatever else...
A wizard he might be, but he was still human, with faults and failings – he did not just admit that – and if he missed this one moment in their married life, it was because he forg… No, he did not forget. Severus Snape would never just forget such an event. He was busy, yes, that's it, he was busy…
A hard smack on his head brought him back to the present and he looked up at Harry in astonishment.
The insufferable brat – Harry would always be a brat to him, his little brat – had hit him. Hit him on the head with a baby-monitor no less!!
"You had better give me a good explanation for why you weren't here Snape or figure out a way to fix it, cause believe me, when I get out of this bed, you would wish you had never set eyes on me!!!"
Severus had found the perfect way to fix things up with Harry. He had gone to Albus, demanded the use of his Time-Turner, and now here he stood, in his quarters, calculating the precise time he needed to go back to.
With his calculations done, Severus took the little instrument in his hand and slipped it over his head. Two turns and his world spun around him.
From what he understood, Harry went in at 17:00 which left him with one hour to get to where he was needed.
Stepping out of his private bedroom, Severus stopped dead in his tracks. He had forgotten about this little unexpected and very unwelcome intrusion in their home.
Witnessing any male and female in a 'compromising' situation would leave him with innumerable scars but seeing a Weasley and that 'Know-it-all' Granger together… Severus averted his eyes while barking at the two on the couch to "Get decent and you'd better hope I don't see you for at least a week or that little tongue play I just saw would be the last thing you would ever want to do with your tongue Mr Weasley!"
"Miss Granger, you might want to cast numerous cleansing spells as I'm fairly certain it was this same Mr Weasley I saw last week with Dean Thomas in exactly the same position. No need to guess where that tongue has been…"
It was gratifying to see the little annoying bit blanch and hit the Weasel on the head. Serves them right for having no decency about doing such things in other peoples living rooms!
Severus straightened after dismissing the two and realized with dread that he only had half an hour left to get to Harry.
The night-bus arrived ten minutes after he called for it and when Severus finally arrived at Harry's side he found an angry glare and extremely hurt expression sent his way.
Damn it! He hadn't made it on time!!
This time Severus took care to move himself to a place he was less likely to walk in on anyone in 'unsavory' situations…
Standing in the middle of Professor McGonagall's classroom, Severus took a deep breath and once again turned the little time piece two times.
This time it just had to work…
Opening his eyes after the disorienting feeling of spinning through time, Severus looked around himself and couldn't help but stare at what he was seeing.
That was… that was just… wrong!!
Everybody knew about McGonagall's animagus form but Severus would bet his whole family fortune that no-one knew about this! Severus shut his mouth with a sharp clacking sound when he realized what he was doing. His husband was rubbing off on him…
McGonagall looked up and instantly turned back into her human form as she recognized her 'visitor'.
"Severus! What an unexpected surprise. Was there anything you needed?"
The dour man just looked at her for a moment before averting his eyes and making a quick excuse to leave the room.
No matter that the woman had transformed into her human-self with her clothes on, it didn't help his mental image of what he had witnessed when first 'entering' the room.
Six little baby kittens feeding on a feline McGonagall was not something he wanted to witness ever again!
He had heard Minerva talking about having her own kids one day but that had been Twenty Years ago!! And this was something totally different! Severus thought that it should be nigh impossible for the woman to conceive a child, never mind a cat her age!!
Walking down the hallway lost in thought, Severus almost didn't see Albus as he stepped around a corner.
"Good gracious Severus! Aren't you supposed to be with Harry at the moment? I thought he had gone in today?"
"Albus! Yes, yes, I'm on my way there now… oh… beg your pardon Albus, but I'm late, again!"
"That's not good Severus, not good at all. Why don't you go and use that useful little piece of 'jewelry' around your neck and right this wrong? Hmmm?"
"You do realize Albus, that you have the unfortunate habit to state the unnecessary and the obvious. Now please excuse me as I have a furious husband to please…"
"Certainly Severus, certainly!"
The twinkle in the old coot's eye was just a tad too bright for Severus's mood and with a vindictive pleasure at a mental image his mind conjured, Severus innocently pointed out that Albus should visit Minerva as she had something truly amazing to show him.
Severus knew that Albus would find the knowledge of a professor giving birth to felines or any animal for that matter, very distressing…
Severus had found the perfect place for his third attempt. There was absolutely no way that anyone would ever risk his – Severus Snape's – wrath by entering his potions supply room without his express permission.
Releasing a sigh of pent-up frustration, Severus turned his little time piece two times. Opening his eyes Severus peered around the room cautiously and released the breath he hadn't even realized he was holding.
A satisfied smirk crossed his face as he realized that this time; things had gone a lot smoother than his first two tries.
Opening the door that led to his Potions Classroom, Severus couldn't help but snarl in frustration as he realized he was once again delayed from his task.
There, in the middle of his classroom stood two house-elves squabbling over one thing or another.
"I found it first! Gibby is to have this!!"
"No Gibby! Dobby is knowing him better so Dobby is be having this!"
"Gibby is finding this first. Gibby is be keeping it!"
Severus was just about ready to scream with frustration.
"Just WHAT is going on in here? What are you two house-elves doing in my classroom?"
"Gibby is finding this under desk. Gibby is liking it very much Professor Snape sir. Gibby is be keeping it!"
The finality in the words put even the formidable Professor Snape in a slight state of shock but Dobby had come to his own defence…
"Dobby is be knowing who this belongs to. Dobby is be keeping it until the rightful master be wanting it back!"
Severus looked between the two house elves and could see that the two were arguing about a photo. A photo!!
"Just what on earth is so fascinating that the two of you would risk squabbling over it in my classroom?"
"Oh, Professor Snape sir! It is most wonderful Professor sir! Gibby is liking photo very much sir! Gibby is always liking person in photo but Gibby is…. Oh, oh, bad Gibby, bad Gibby!!"
Sighing in frustration, Severus snatched the photo from the elf's hand and blinked as the picture came into focus.
The heat flooding his cheeks was quickly explained off as the humid air in the dungeon for Severus would never, not even mentally, admit that he blushed.
The photo was of a very relaxed Severus Snape with his eyes closed and a peaceful expression on his face. What caused the sudden redness on his cheeks was the fact that it was a photo of Severus in the bath!
An insistent tugging on his sleeve brought Severus back to the present and he looked down at the little creature. Many emotions could clearly be read on the little thing's face but the adoration that bordered on obsession sent a fraction of fear through Severus.
"Professor Snape sir is liking the photo that Gibby found? Gibby is liking it very much Professor sir. Gibby is loving Professor for years now sir. Gibby is be asking Professor Snape sir: Would Professor Snape sir be marrying Gibby?"
Severus sat down hard on the nearest desk and just took some deep calming breaths. This was not happening. An elf had not just asked his hand in marriage! It was preposterous!
A tentative touch on his cheek caused Severus to snap his head around and before he could register anything else, something was pressing against his lips.
With a disgusted snarl, Severus sent the creature flying through the air and swiftly left his classroom.
Was no-where safe for him?
Severus rushed out of the castle and as soon as he was passed the apparition wards, he apparated to where he was certain he would be safe from any more unexpected and unwanted surprises.
Malfoy Manor could be seen a fair distance away and Severus hurried to the nearest stable where he would, once again, attempt to go back in time.
"Why did I do this again?" Severus asked softly to himself before berating his foolishness. His forgetfulness started this whole damnable experience and he would not forget the reason again!
Coming to a stop, Severus pulled out his time-turner and with horrible memories of kittens feeding on his fellow Professor, elves attempting to marry him and a Weasel doing that to the Granger bit… he closed his eyes and prayed that this time his attempt would not leave him scarred for life.
Severus hesitantly opened his eyes after he felt the world right itself again and started moving out of the stable and down to the apparition point.
Nothing stopped his progress.
The sigh Severus had suppressed after first opening his eyes to find no 'untoward' happenings around him was making him feel congested but he refused to let it out.
A sigh of relief was what the vindictive forces of nature was waiting for - to scar Severus even more - and he would not move right into its hands!
The sigh never did escape his lips as it turned into a horrified, disgruntled gasp when Severus apparated right outside the building in which Harry was waiting for him.
Severus dropped to his knees by a young man's side and stretched out a shaky hand to feel for a pulse. He had an idea that the young man was a muggle but couldn't be certain.
There was a pulse and Severus found it steadier than should be believable if the man's looks were anything to go by.
A huge knife protruded from the man's shoulder and his face had a humungous slash across it, starting from the eyebrow down to the man's lips.
Feelings that Severus couldn't identify were running through him at a mile a minute.
The only way he could think to describe it would be; panicked. But Severus Snape never panicked!
Other people, though there were only a few, didn't pay much mind to the man dying on the side of the road and Severus couldn't help but feel disgusted with their behavior.
"Isn't anyone going to help this young man?"
"That's just Stan. You don't need to break your neck over him man, he'll be right as rain tomorrow!"
Severus gawped at the man's back.
"Right as rain? Right as rain? This man is going to bleed himself to death if we don't do something!"
"I told ya already. Leave him be and he'll stand up a while later when no-one comes by to help him. It's suckers like you who keep him up to it! He'd quit doing this if you'd just let him be."
Severus didn't understand anything except the words and their meanings. The sentences themselves made no sense at all to his 'panicked' brain and just as he bent down to pick the young man up himself, he got the shock of his life.
The young man with a knife sticking out of his neck looked up at him with a big grin on his face and screamed at the top of his lungs: "April fool!"
People all around just shook their heads at the man's antics while Severus seethed inside. This… this muggle! dared to call him a fool?!
Before Severus could even contemplate going after the man a young woman crossed the street and promptly grabbed the 'injured' man by the arm.
"I'm so sorry Mister but Stan here is 'special'. He has a memory problem and each morning he wakes up thinking it's the first of April. He's always running around trying to scare people or prank them with an "April fool" plan of his. He means no harm sir and we usually keep a closer eye on him but he escaped us again today…"
Severus turned around and walked away without listening to anything further. Not only did wizards prank him but now a muggle had managed to get one up on Severus! He would never live this down!
The fact that he had once again missed the 'big event' only incensed Severus further and he cursed under his breath as he apparated back to Hogwarts.
Severus snarled, raged, pulled and kicked for all he was worth but nothing worked. In his haste to get away from that 'damnable muggle', Severus's time turner had caught on a tree branch and the disgruntled man now found himself an unknown amount of hours back in the past with one half of his body with him and the other half in the company of a 'disturbed, deranged and just plain weird muggle' who thought it amusing to stab himself through the neck!
Severus shuddered at the thought of what the man would do to the other part of his body, lying there unprotected.
The man might not be there yet as Severus didn't know how many hours he'd gone in the past but that didn't sooth his nerves, in fact, it made him all the more jittery. The longer he was in the past, the more time the man had to do whatever to Severus's body!
He would never admit it of course, but what disturbed Severus most was the fact that he had, for the first time in his life, splinched himself!
It was, of course, the Time Turner's fault. If the damn thing had not snagged on the branch, he would not be in this predicament!
To top it all off, his wand hand was now in the company of a mad maniac on a suicide mission! It was truly a distressing feeling, having one arm with no hand, one leg up to the kneecap and one leg without a foot.
Severus looked on in dread as the one person he did not want to find him in such a situation made her way out of Hogwarts.
Poppy Pomfrey took one look at the man, tooted, and promptly waved her wand to reverse the apparition. She followed his magical signature and then proceeded to duel-apparate him back to Hogwarts.
There was no doubt in his mind that he would never be able to live this down!
When at last Severus was released from the hospital wing – in other words, when he finally got the chance to slip away – he knew that he would have to go back at least seven hours this time as the 'Wicked witch of the wing' had kept him for hours, even after every single part of his body had been inspected by her critical eye – twice! The appreciative gaze she'd sent him when first divesting him of every single piece of clothing made him shiver with repulsion.
He knew he was a bit better endowed than normal but did she have to stare?
Severus looked at the little piece around his neck with dread. What foul adventure awaited him next?
Severus made his way to the hospital. Why he hadn't thought of this in the first place was a mystery to him. He would stay there at St' Mungos and wait the time out. When finally Harry went in, he would go to Harry's room and wait for him.
Everything went as planned. No unfortunate mishaps or uninvited guests turned up and Severus steadily made his way over to Harry's room.
The Medic had said that they'd do a final scan before beginning the procedure so Severus waited for Harry to come back from the scan.
His husband returned twenty minutes after Severus had settled himself in a chair and the light in Harry's eyes made everything he had endured worth it.
"I'm so glad you're here Severus! I had worried that you would forg… er… that you wouldn't make it because of… work… or something…"
Severus worked hard to control his body and he refused the flush threatening to take over. That his husband had somehow known he would forget – yes, he was willing to admit that he had forgotten – made this worse.
"I'm here now Harry and I wish to be nowhere else. You have a penchant for finding out the truth of matters so I'll tell you now. I wasn't here the first time, or the second time, or third, or forth OR fifth."
Harry stared at him for a moment, looked down at the time turner around his neck and then back up at his face. Severus realized that he probably looked as disgruntled as he felt when Harry burst out laughing.
"Oh haha, very funny. Yes, it was not my best day yet, I'll admit that but for now, I'm here and I'll be with you every step of the way."
"Thank you Severus."
"Now let's get the little tyke out of you so I can see for who I had gone through all this trouble."
Harry looked at him with a startled expression.
Severus watched him wearily. He wasn't sure he could handle any more surprises.
"Didn't they tell you? When they did this final scan they finally realized why they couldn't say for certain if it's a boy or a girl. We're having triplets!"
Images of a cat McGonagall feeding the six kittens popped into his mind and he looked at Harry with a horrified expression.
"Just make sure you keep our children as far away from McGonagall as possible!"
Short but I hope you liked it!