Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events and/or places that are recognized as being written and created by J.K. Rowling. J.K. Rowling owns all the characters and places from the Harry Potter books including the ones used in this story.
A/N: Hello everyone!! This is the result of a random conversation. The idea came later, and I found it too funny not to write out. There's some swears, and some naughtyness so click back now if you're innocent. You've been warned:D
There is a chapter in the ever popular best seller Hogwarts, A History that lists in chronological order all the accidents, both horrible and spectacular, that occurred in the various Potion classes over the years.
The favorite among avid readers is about a third year boy named Apollo Jeremiah. He made one wrong stir in his Forgetfulness Potion and his cauldron exploded so vehemently it covered the entire castle with a pink smoke, (because any decent potion explosion is accompanied by a colored cloud of smoke). When the pink smoke cleared, the walls of the castle were suddenly made from cotton candy instead of rocks. The student's Headmaster was so engrossed with eating a piece of the dungeon's main hallway, he forgot to issue detention.
In the next updated publication of Hogwarts, A History there is going to be, or at least there should be an entire chapter, (maybe even a volume), entitled: The Creative And Destructive Potion Disasters Somehow Caused By The Mere Presence of Remus John Lupin, Hogwarts Student.
Remus has no talent for potions. None. He's not even OK at them. Even if five people are helping him, plus two professors, he's still utterly hopeless.
He'll never understand why he's so bad.
He can't cook either. He thinks it may have something to do with following directions.
Remus follows directions. If there are directions for something, he's following them to the letter. He doesn't deviate from directions. That's what they're there for; to direct. Perhaps he follows directions too closely. He has no passion because he's too busy being precise. Maybe that's where he goes wrong. Or maybe he's just making excuses.
Either way, burning toast is a far better outcome than what usually happens when he brews a potion.
Or more specifically, dying is a far better outcome than what happened after he brewed this potion.
"But," Peter stammers, looking more dumbfounded than anyone thought he could manage. "But, where's his body?"
Even Dumbledore doesn't know what to say for a few seconds. "That's the problem, Mister Pettigrew. We don't know."
Remus shakes his head. He brings his left hand, or rather he brings Sirius's left hand, up to his face to pinch the bridge of his nose in his usual show of migraine wracking aggravation. Sirius's fingers are softer than his own and not as bony. They aren't able to apply the same amount of pressure. But that's just the beginning of his problems.
"Are you, you're feeling alright, Mister Lupin?" Slughorn asks, poking at the heap of purple-blue sludge that earlier just missed his shoe.
"What about me?" Sirius shouts. Remus winces. Sirius's loud screeching voice is right in his ear. Literally. "What about me? How come no one's asking how I feel having Remus's head sticking out of my shoulder?"
James can barely hide his smirk. Leave it to him to find his friends' predicament to be completely amusing. "How're you feeling, Sirius?"
"Well," Sirius starts. He brings his left hand up and strokes Remus's chin. "My foot hurts."
"This is an unusual situation," Dumbledore jumps in. "I've never seen anything like this."
"Wonderful," Remus mumbles.
"What was that Remus?" James asks.
"I heard him," Sirius says.
"Man," Peter finally lets out the laughter that was brewing, for lack of better term, under his first reaction of shock. "You two look so stupid!"
A Calming Draught. Simple enough. It's O.W.L. level for crying out loud, and they're almost ready for N.E.W.T.S. Sirius partnered with Remus because that was Slughorn's way of separating the troublemakers. Put them with their other friends.
Problem number one.
Remus is always victim to an unfortunate case of the Shaky Hands whenever Sirius is in close proximity. Poor little Lupin hasn't allowed himself to figure out what that might mean, and blames it on Moony's random fear of a scruffy dog three heads smaller than him.
Problem number two was that Sirius can. Never. Shut. Up. He talked more in that half hour about a range of topics from how he thought the butter at breakfast tasted off to his suspicions on why every one of his socks has a hole in the exact same spot and demanded Remus's opinion on everything, which meant that neither boy was completely paying attention.
Problem three was that the cauldron exploded. Exploded and covered them in horribly thick purple-blue goo. It made all sorts of weird sizzling noises and when the puff of accompanying purple-blue smoke cleared, (because any decent potion explosion is accompanied by a colored cloud of smoke), it took the purple-blue goo and Remus's body with it.
Being nice purple-blue smoke it left his head. And attached it to Sirius's body; snuggled on the left side between Sirius's own head and his broad shoulder. Remus has just as much control over Sirius's body as Sirius does.
"What should we do, Albus?" Professor McGonagall asks. Dumbledore called in all the professors to see if any of them could lend a hand. Surprise, surprise; no one could.
"I'm going to get in contact with a healer at St. Mungo's," Dumbledore says. "Horace, if you can try to analyze the…"
"Goo, sir?" James offers.
"Yes. Try to reverse the potion."
"Will do," Slughorn says, levitation a specimen to his work table.
Dumbledore puts his hand on Sirius's shoulder, or the shoulder next to Sirius's head. "Mister Lupin. Mister Black. You are not allowed to be potion partners again, is that clear?" They both nod, and James and Peter lose their control on being stable, mature boys. Dumbledore grips Sirius's shoulder harder and Remus for a moment thinks it is pretty interesting that he can feel Dumbledore's hand too. Until he hears another wave of James's and Peter's stifled laughter; then he's just aggravated again. "We will figure this out," Dumbledore says. "I promise."
"Are people staring?" Remus asks, afraid to look anywhere but straight ahead.
"No," James says. "People are not staring at the two headed freak."
Peter clears his throat. "There's Regulus."
"Where?" Sirius hisses, halting to a stop. Remus who, (thank the higher beings), isn't sharing Sirius's brain, keeps walking. Sirius stops again, and the two do a weird jerking kind of walk until James makes them stop. "Where is he?" Sirius asks, unfazed. "Fuck. He's going to write home."
"What do you care?" James asks, pulling on Sirius's arm, or Remus's arm, or the arm on Remus's side of Sirius's body. "You don't live there."
"They still don't need to know what I do with my spare time. Where is he?"
Peter points. "Against the wall."
Sirius looks to where he's pointing. "Where?"
"He's right there, Padfoot!" Remus raises his, or Sirius's right hand, and uses it to turn Sirius's head.
"Blech," Sirius snorts. "You got your hair in my mouth, Moony."
"Sorry," Remus mumbles. It's hard to remember just how close Sirius's head is.
"Bugger this," Sirius shouts. "Let's go to lunch."
"I'm hungry," Sirius and Remus both say in complete harmonic unison, both using their hand to clutch their side of Sirius's stomach.
"Man, you two look stupid," James laughs.
"Arwhoowwwh," Sirius groans, rolling over and over across the common room floor.
"Sirius," Remus gasps.
"My stomach hurts," Sirius howls, rolling back the other way.
"Sirius!" Remus screams. "You're squishing my face!" Remus suddenly groans. "Arr! My stomach hurts."
"Oh for bloody sake," Lily Evans shouts. She slams her book shut and marches hands on hips towards the boy's staircase or where They are assembled. "Black. Lupin."
"Yes," they both groan from the floor.
"I believe the saying is supposed to go, two heads are better than one."
"What the fuck you want, Evans?"
Lily scowls. Somehow her scowl encompasses James too, but she looked at him so there's a plus. "I want you two to stop making so much noise."
"Sorry, Lily," Remus says. "Sirius-"
"Don't Sirius me! You do have control over his body too, don't you?" Remus nods slowly, already knowing what she's going to say, and already feeling dumb. "Then make him stop squishing your face. And-"
"Oh God, she's not done."
"Maybe if you two thought for a second-"
"They wouldn't be in this mess," James finishes, extremely proud of himself.
"No," Lily snaps, clipping another piece of James's ego off. Eventually she'll clip it all off, and then she'll have to go out with him. "They would have realized that just because they have two heads doesn't mean they have two stomachs, and maybe they shouldn't have eaten enough for a small army, times two."
"That would have made sense," Remus says, trying to rip his, or Sirius's stomach out because then the pain would stop.
Sirius looks at Remus. "We did eat an entire treacle tart."
"Well," James says, hauling his friends up. "You know what you have to do now."
"This. Could possibly be. The most embarrassing moment of my life."
Sirius and Remus are sitting and not, unless it is unavoidably called for, looking at each other. It's hard to make eye contact anyways. When Remus turns his head to look at Sirius, he really can't see much except blurs of beige and black. There was a moment during lunch where they both turned to look at the other at the same time and their noses bumped and their breath mingled and their cheeks burned. Remus isn't used to being so close to another person. And what Sirius and Remus were experiencing at this very moment, was as close to a person Remus ever wanted to get.
"We're going to have to get over this," Sirius says, shifting himself…on the toilet seat. "Unless Dumbledore walks through the door right now, which he won't because Dumbledore is nothing if not polite, and cures us, then….then we're going to have to sleep together and shower and you know, live."
"Yeah," Remus says. He's staring at the roll of toilet paper next to him, and wondering if because the paper is next to him does that mean he'll have to…because he is not doing that.
"Anyways, what we're doing now…it's a human function. You do it, I obviously do it, doing it together is weird, but…natural. Right, Moony?"
"I think I know why every pair of your socks has a hole in the top corner."
"Enlighten me," Sirius says. To Remus's relief, he reaches across his, their chest for the toilet paper.
"You're toenails. They're weapons, Sirius."
Sirius laughs. They stand up, and Remus didn't want to do the wiping, but maybe that would have been better than being wiped. "This is gross," he says, as he helps Sirius pull their pants up. "You should know. I'm disturbed right now."
"You're always disturbed, Moony. Flush it." Remus obeys, and Sirius pats their stomach. "Much better! Let's go!"
Sirius's enthusiasm finally gets to Remus and he stands his ground. "Sirius? Let's be serious."
"Ah, no. Let's be Remius. Or, Sirmus. Yea, I like Sirmus."
Remus sighs. "What's your problem?" They both look in the mirror so that they can lock eyes without banging foreheads again. "You're naming us. You shouldn't be naming us. You should be worried. I'm worried. And don't say I'm always worried, because this is different Sirius. We're sharing a body! We're…its weird." Remus is panicking. He knows it. He feels all weird inside, fluttery and nervous. Sirius always makes him feel jittery and uncomfortable because he…. He hates feeling uncomfortable. And being permanently attached to Sirius isn't helping his situation in the slightest.
Most importantly, Remus is scared. He misses his body, and Merlin knows when he'll get it back.
"Are you done being hysterical?" Sirius asks. "Or do I have to slap you?" Remus hangs his head, and Sirius uses his hand, or the hand closest to Remus, to lift Remus's head up. "Just hang in there, Moony. OK? We're together. At least you're not sharing a body with Snivellus…or Peter. Or James for that matter."
"Or any one but you?"
"Precisely," Sirius grins. "Now let's go scare some firsties."
Sirius moves one leg in an attempt to leave the bathroom, but Remus takes hold over his other leg. "Moony? Are you still not ready to face the world?"
"Padfoot," Remus points to the sink. "We didn't wash your hands."
"Why would we do that?" Sirius asks, cocking his head to the side with a quizzical look on his face.
Remus can't speak for a moment. "Why…we just, you know, used the bathroom."
"Oh," Sirius says. "You're supposed to wash your hands after that?"
"Ugh, Sirius!" Remus shouts, holding his, or Sirius's left hand out in front of them. "I ate with this!"
"Hey Moonfoot!" They hear James's voice call from the other side of the bathroom door.
Sirius and Remus hobble to the door and rip it open. "We've decided to go by Sirmus."
"No, we haven't. What's the matter James?"
"McGonagall's here. 'Bout time they hauled you off to the circus."
"Haha," Sirius says. He, and Remus, push past James into the dormroom. They start to walk but realize quickly that something's wrong. It's as if their, or Sirius's legs can't decide how fast to walk. Or more correctly they can't decide how fast to walk so their fighting for control and can only manage a weird wobbly gallop.
"Let me drive, Moony," Sirius says. "It's my body."
"I'm sorry. It's hard not to, not to walk."
James steps in front of them. One of his hands is over his mouth, and the other comes up and raises a finger, indicating them to wait until he can stop laughing so that he may actually say something coherent.
"You done laughing at our expense?" Sirius asks, folding his, their arms over his, their chest.
"Sorry," James exhales. "Maybe you each should take a leg and, you know, step, step, step, step," James punctuates each word with a wide step foreword. "Like marching." He turns back to look at them. "Only with one body."
"Oh," Sirius smiles. "That's why we keep you around."
"Come on," Remus says. "Professor McGonagall is waiting. I'll step first." He steps.
"I Step," Sirius says. "You step. I step. You step. I step."
"Hey," James cheers. "It's working. You don't look like morons anymore."
"I step. You step."
"I step. You step. I step. You-"
"Sirius! I think we got it down now." They stop walking at the bottom of the boy's staircase. "Where's the professor?"
"See that spot by the door where everyone's avoiding?" James points across the room. Sirius and Remus move foreword. "I'll be here," James calls. "If you need backup."
"Good afternoon, boys," Professor McGonagall says.
"Good afternoon," they both say. Remus makes a note to find some way to stop talking in unison. Perhaps he'll gag Sirius.
"I know you have a class to get to in a few minutes, so we'll make this a fast meeting." McGonagall waves her wand and casts an Imperturbable Charm around them. "Headmaster Dumbledore spoke with an official from St. Mungo's." The tone of her voice alone has bad news written all over it. "All we can do is reverse the potion and hope it works. Professor Slughorn is working on that as we speak."
"Well, that's OK news...Remus?"
Remus swallows and feels his stomach drop. "That's not all though, is it Professor?"
McGonagall frowns. "I'm afraid not, Lupin. The potion has to be reversed exactly, including any mistakes you boys made in the original, which might take some time. And time is something we don't have."
Remus feels the blood drain from his face, and his stomach flip over. "Monday," he whispers.
McGonagall nods. "With what happened earlier last term, I see no need to hide this news from you Sirius. Monday is the full moon."
"But," Sirius says. "Remus is sharing my body, and I'm not a werewolf!"
"That's true, Sirius. However, Remus's head is."
"So," Peter whispers. The one advantage of sharing a body with Sirius is that the four of them get to sit even closer in class. "Everyone's scared that Moony's head is going to go all, beasty, and eat you?"
Sirius nods. "Yep."
"Are you scared about that?" Peter asks.
"Oh yes," Sirius nods again. Sirius feels his body tense and he brings his hand up to pat Remus's cheek. "No offence, Moony."
"None taken," Remus whispers in a light tone. But Sirius knows he's lying, and not just because he knows Remus. He can feel Remus's, his heart speed up, his muscles tense; and it might be Sirius's body, but he has nothing to do with these actions.
Whatever feelings Remus has that provokes a reaction from his body, Sirius feels it too. It makes sense, since they're sharing vital organs and blood and DNA. Remus hasn't said anything about it, which is odd because Remus always has to point out everything, including the obvious. Sirius convinces himself that maybe because only Remus's head is sharing his body, he's not feeling everything else going on. This conclusion, for numerous reasons, is completely false; but it relieves Sirius nonetheless.
Since the Willow Incident, (that they never ever, never, ever bring up), Sirius has come to terms with his funny little problem concerning his furry little friend. The problem being that he's more than a little obsessed and in love with him. James pointed it out originally. It was probably meant to be a joke, but turned into a serious conversation where James announced that he really wasn't joking, and Sirius announced that James had him Lu-pinned; (James threatened his life if he ever made a bad joke like that again).
Sirius has been trying all day to keep his emotions under control because he doesn't want Remus to go all recluse and weird, especially since they can't be separated. Even James knows that Sirius doesn't want Remus to find out how he feels. Though, Sirius thinks, I may have given something away by accident.
"Eep," Sirius squeals; finally unable to ignore the pushing, scratching, and probing. "Whoop! Ooh!"
"Mister Black," Professor Flitwick shouts in his tiny high pitched voice. "Control yourself."
"Sorry," Sirius giggles. "Eep!"
"What's the matter?" James smirks.
"Moony's," Sirius giggles again. "Moony is-"
"What?" Remus asks. Then he freezes. "Oh." He quickly brings his hand, or Sirius's hand back around from where it momentarily was being used; to scratch a rather bothersome itch, on Sirius's left butt cheek. "Sorry," he mumbles, as his cheeks burn bright red.
James hides his face in his arm to stifle his laughter. "Never thought you'd do that, aye Moony?" he asks around his elbow.
"I said no, Padfoot!"
"Awe, come on," Sirius whines. "It'll be fun."
James takes another angry jab at his chicken. "I wish I could do it."
"You just wish you could do it," Sirius laughs.
James shrugs, but smiles. "Think of it, Pads. We'd have twice the girls!"
"What? Now you're going to try and morph your head onto Sirius?" Peter asks.
"Well he can't do it now," Remus scowls. "My head's taken up residency."
"He can't do it, anyways," Sirius teases.
"I can do it. I can do it if I want to," James laughs. "I just want to do it with someone who doesn't want to do it with me."
Peter drops his head on the table. "You're confusing me." He looks up. "Talk in Wormtail language."
"Look around Pete," James says, slinging his arm around Peter's shoulder. "More than a few ladies seem to find a two-headed boy kinky. Half of them have already propositioned our little Moonfoot for a wild night of…doing it."
"But I've said no, so let's drop it."
Sirius bumps the side of his head into Remus's. "You're going to deny me, Moony?"
"You're only causing trouble, Remus," James says. He jabs his fork at Sirius's head. "Once this one gets hornied up, there's no living with him."
Peter chokes on his juice. "Speaking from experience, Prongs?"
James smacks Peter's head. "Walked in on one too many private wanks; that's what I've experienced."
"Why can't we have a dinner conversation about the weather, or school work?"
"Because then we'd be boring, Moony," James says.
"Anyways," Remus continues, as he helps Sirius butter a slice of bread. After two classes, a study break, and half a dinner, Sirius and Remus seem to have established a kind of rhythm. Sirius controls the right so he gets to write and use his wand, and do most things. Remus controls the left, and is basically just along for the ride.
Despite all the mean names the Slytherin's are calling them, the weird looks everyone else is giving them, and the silly girls who keep asking them if they want to meet behind Greenhouse Three, Remus is having fun. Sirius keeps whispering all sorts of nonsense comments in his ear instead of James'. Remus knows it's only because he's literally a breath away, but that doesn't make it any less fun. His stomach does a flip flop every time he feels Sirius's breath on his cheek.
"Anyways," Remus says. "Sirius isn't even that excited about any of the prospects."
"Ew," James and Peter say together, both reeling back. "You can feel that," Peter adds.
"There's nothing to feel," Remus says. He can't stop the tiny blush rolling across his face; he can feel…that. "But, if there was…I mean, we're sharing his body."
"I'm still here, you know," Sirius says. He pushes his and Remus's plate away from them. "And maybe I'm not letting, that, happen because I don't want to embarrass Moony."
"Right," James says, winking conspiratorially at Sirius
Remus feels his stomach flip, but he's not sure why it would do that.
James smirks and raises a perfectly arched eyebrow. "Why are your hands shaking?" he points back and forth between Sirius's right and left hands.
Remus stomach flips again; this time he knows exactly why it did.
"So what are our plans tonight?" Peter asks.
"I would like to work on an Ancient Runes paper I have due in two weeks, what's the matter, Prongs?" Remus watches James's eyes blink rapidly at Sirius, and he doesn't know what he's saying, but they better tell him soon.
"Sorry, Moons," Sirius says. He pats his knee, which is actually more like Remus's knee since it is the knee on the leg Remus is in charge of. "We have Quidditch practice."
"I don't understand why James couldn't just excuse you from practice," Remus hisses at Sirius. Sirius shrugs, banging Remus's ear with his shoulder. He didn't have time to argue with Remus, he had a more pressing situation to deal with.
Like how he was going to get two heads to fit into a Quidditch jersey that was only made for one.
"Maybe we should just go bare-chested."
"Are you mad?" Remus shouts. "It's February! It snowed yesterday!"
"Alright," Sirius shouts back. "You're the smart head, don't you know a stretching charm or something."
"Here," Remus hears James say, before his view of the world is blackened out. "It's an extra, extra, extra, extra large or something." Remus pulls the object off his head, and recognizes it as an extremely oversized Quidditch jersey. "Just sinch the waste," James says.
Sirius looks up, silent laughter causing his, and Remus's, body to shake. "Did you just use the word sinch?"
James scowls. "Just hurry up! You're wasting our practice time."
The larger Quidditch jersey accommodated their heads, and after Remus sinched the waste, it was a perfect fit. Now their only challenge is actually playing Quidditch.
"I'm not a good flyer," Remus says. "I'm not a-Ahh!"
"Are you going to scream every time a bludger comes?"
"Ahh! Yes. Ahh!" Remus whimpers, tightening his grip on the broom.
"Stop Remus!" Sirius screams, as the two begin to plummet the ground. "You can't hold on so tight!"
"This is ridiculous." Sirius stops his broom. "Moony, close your eyes. Pretend your reading a book. Or studying. Or doing something equally boring."
Remus nods. "I'll close my eyes." Sirius ascends back into the air, and back into his position as beater. "Ahh!" Remus screams. "Ahh! Oh. Ahh!"
"Remus, close your eyes!" Sirius screams, as he whacks a bludger down the Quidditch pitch.
"They are closed."
"Then why-" Whack. "-are you still screaming?"
"Because now I can't see if there coming or not."
Sirius smirks. "You sound stupid, like Wormtail." And that officially shuts Remus up.
Remus keeps his eyes closed. He's so scared, he doesn't even sense James sneaking up next to his, Sirius's broom and playfully ramming into Remus's side of Sirius's body. Remus screams like the little girl he probably is, and grabs onto Sirius shirt…with Sirius's hands, which means there's no one holding Sirius's broom.
Sirius quickly saves them from once again plummeting to their dooms and flies over to James. "I quit," Sirius announces. "Until I'm be-Moony-headed."
"McGonagall stopped me in the hall," James says, as he enters the Sixth Year Gryffindor Boy's dorm room. "She said they think they may be able to right you tomorrow." He stops walking when he notices the look of pure concentration mirrored on both Remus's and Sirius's face. "Now what's the matter?" he asks.
Sirius snorts. "We're trying to decide which bed." James mouths "Oh" and rolls his eyes at Peter, who shakes his head right back. "I think we should sleep in Moony's because his mattress is softer and his bed smells like Remus which isn't a bad smell at all."
Remus ignores the flutter in his stomach and gives his opinion. "But, Sirius, your bed is…your bed, and we're sharing your body, so we should sleep in your bed."
"But, Remus, your bed has more pillows."
Remus feels tired, it's been a long, strange, aggravating day and he just wants to go to sleep. "Alright, whatever," he sighs. Sirius does a little happy jump, which means Remus also does a little happy jump and it only works to make him more exhausted.
"Well, Moonfoot," James say. "I bid you good night."
"Good night, Padfoony," Peter says. "I made up Padfoony, it's cleverer."
"That's not a word," Remus says.
"Oh," James pokes his head out of his curtains. "Put up a silence charm, because we all know you're not getting any sleep tonight."
Remus watches James disappear back into his bed. "What did he mean by that?"
Sirius, and Remus, crawl into Remus's bed. "Probably thinks we're going to stay up all night talking."
"Remus snuggles into the mattress, pulling the blankets further up his, Sirius's body. "Well, cast it but I'm tired, Pads. I'm going to sleep."
"Night, night, Moony."
Remus's eyelids were heavy and closed without any persuasion. He almost drifted off to sleep. Almost, because he started squirming and tossing his legs. Or, to be exact, Sirius started squirming and tossing his legs.
"Sirius," Remus groaned. "Stop moving."
"I can't get comfortable."
"That's why I said we should sleep in your bed." Remus stops talking as Sirius flips his, their body over. "I can sleep anywhere."
Sirius flips himself, or them, back onto their, or Sirius's back. "It's not the place, Moony."
"No," Remus says, knowing what Sirius is referring to already. And that's a big no.
"Come on, Moony," Sirius whines. "I'll never get to sleep with all these clothes on."
"Clothes, Padfoot? We're not even wearing a shirt because only the shirt you were wearing today fits our heads. It's not like you're wearing a wool jumper."
"It's my body," Sirius says. "And it's used to being naked."
Remus shakes his head. "I can't sleep in a bed with you naked, Sirius. It's weird. I'd feel things. Like right now, you're running you hands up and down your stomach, but that's also my hand and my stomach, so it feels that either you're rubbing me or I'm rubbing you, or both." Remus pauses to collect his thoughts. In the breath of time between sleep and wake, Remus forgot he was sharing someone else's body. The soft rubbing felt nice, made his body tingle. It had to stop.
"Fine then." Sirius stills finally. Remus doesn't give into sleeping just yet. Something else is coming; he can feel it in his arms and legs. A tension. "Remus?" Sirius calls in a soft voice. He sounds like he's either ready to fall asleep or not sure if he wants to say whatever huddle of words is gathering in his mouth.
Sirius clears his throat. "I'm not stupid."
Remus feels like Sirius smacked him across the face. "I never said you were stupid."
Sirius chuckles. "I know. I just want you to know before you fall asleep, that I'm not stupid."
"OK," Remus says because he feels like he should say something and he hasn't a clue what that something should be. Remus feels another odd twinge of tension constrict his middle. It takes him a moment or two before he suddenly wants to scream out in nervous realization and embarrassment. How could he be so stupid?
Remus isn't tense, Sirius is. Sirius must be thinking about something, (because, thank the higher beings, Remus isn't sharing Sirius's brain), that is making him feel tense and Remus feels his tension because they are sharing a body. That odd moment during dinner, when James winked at Sirius, and Remus felt butterflies rip through his stomach it was because Sirius was feeling nervous. Whenever Sirius had a feeling that affected his body, Remus felt it too.
Remus feels it too.
And if Remus feels Sirius's bodily emotions, then, then…
Remus feels sick.
"Moony?" Sirius rasps in his half asleep scratchy voice. "Are you OK? Why you feeling sick?"
Remus nods his head absently, and bites down on his tongue. Oh God. He felt that. We have the same stomach of course he felt that. Remus thinks about everything that happens to him on a regular day when he's perfectly safe in his own body that only occur because of the close proximity of Sirius Black. The shaky hands, (James commented on that...Sirius felt that too), the butterflies he gets every time Sirius speaks. Remus isn't ever sure why Sirius has this affect on him, and now Remus just knows, knows that Sirius is going to want answers.
Remus panics. He must know now what he does to me.
Remus begins to inhale and exhale at deep measured counts. He needs to calm down.
"Moony," Sirius snaps. "You need to calm down." Remus stops his labored breathing, brutally remembering, once again, that he's sharing a body with Sirius.
"Sirius, I'm sorry," Remus whispers.
"Don't be, Remus. Just go to sleep."
Like a command is given instead of a suggestion, Remus falls instantly asleep.
It's a fitful sleep. Neither boy is completely comfortable. They're forced to sleep on their back and not move. No one wants a neck snapping in the middle of the night.
It's still dark when Remus wakes up. With the remnants of sleep still fogging his mind, he reaches over to the right side of his bed to check his clock, and crushes Sirius's head in the process.
"I'll get it," Sirius grumbles. He parts Remus's bed curtains and lifts his head. "Ug! 5:30, Moony. Go back to sleep."
Remus nods out of politeness, but once he's up, he's up. Remus's mind is like a book and once consciousness fully returns, the bookmark is removed and his mind picks up where it left off.
He's about four sentences into once again panicking about Sirius knowing how he feels, when he feels something. It's a familiar feeling, a heat, a need. Remus peeks under the blankets, and even though he knows it there, even though he can feel it, it's still a shock to see the large bulge pushing against Sirius's boxers.
Remus freezes. He can't very well touch it. Technically, it's not his. Technically if he did touch it, he'd be…he'd be getting Sirius off; and that's not something that should be happening.
"Uh," Remus says. He pokes Sirius in the shoulder closest to Sirius's head.
"Um," Remus says, and does the only thing he can think of to both wake Sirius up and get his attention. He thrusts his, or Sirius's hips.
"Oh," Sirius exhales. He laughs, breathy and sleepy. "I guess I didn't fall back to sleep."
Remus stares up at the ceiling. He hears Sirius swallow. When Sirius's hand or the hand on Sirius's side of Sirius's body begins to snake down his chest, his stomach, Remus swallows too. Sirius lets the fingertips of this hand move back and forth just under the waistband of his shorts. Remus is trembling, or Sirius's body is trembling and either Remus is causing it or feeling it. "Just do it," Remus breathes, unable to take it anymore. Sirius groans almost silently and slips his hand down.
"Oh," they both say in perfectly timed unison when Sirius's hand wraps around Sirius's cock. They both lose their breath when Sirius starts a slow, rhythmic pumping.
"We, shouldn't…we shouldn't be doing this," Remus manages to say. Remus fears losing a friend, probably more than he fears the moon. And if he and Sirius do this, and Sirius goes all weird after that, Remus isn't sure he'd be able to handle it.
"It's ok," Sirius says. "What we're doing now…it's a human function. You do it, I obviously do it, doing it together is weird, but…natural. Right, Moony?"
"Like shitting," Remus says.
Sirius laughs, not stopping his hand for one second. "This is better," he says, and passes his thumb over his tip.
They finally manage to breath but it's hard and labored. Remus fists the lump of blankets on his side with Sirius's other hand. He can't stop thinking. He wants to just let go and feel, but he's Remus Lupin and he needs to think about everything. Every time Sirius makes a tiny purring sound, Remus feels Sirius's cock twitch pleasantly. And every slow, drawn out stroke makes Sirius's body twitch pleasantly. And every time he causes something really belonging to Sirius to twitch pleasantly, he feels that horrible dread again.
He has to say something.
"Sirius," he says; but he really moans it, and the sound makes his ears burn. "You should know that, that-"
"I thought I told you, uh, Moony. I'm not stupid."
"You're," Remus starts; he clenches his eyes together, trying to focus through the haze that's threatening to take over his mind. "I never said you were. But, I need to tell you that I-"
"Remus." Sirius's voice is low, and hitches on the second syllable. "Moony, look at me."
Remus turns his head not thinking, forgetting just how close his head is to Sirius'. When their noses bump, Remus wants to pull away, but Sirius's hand or the hand on Remus's side of Sirius's body stops him from moving. "Moony," Sirius exhales. "You're not stupid either." And Sirius slides foreword just enough so that his lips press up against Remus's.
A shock rifles through his body, and Remus isn't sure if that's from him or Sirius or both. He might not care. He gasps and parts his lips enough for Sirius to dart his tongue inside. Remus wants to use the hand on Sirius's side of Sirius body to pull Sirius closer, but that hand is otherwise occupied and there is no pulling Sirius any closer. It isn't humanly or wizardly or potion explodingly possible for him to get closer to Sirius.
"Moony," Sirius huffs, resting his forehead against Remus'. "You weren't the only one making this body feel nervous all day. Or actually, you were the one making this body feel nervous." Sirius pauses. "Did that make sense?"
"No," Remus practically shouts. We have feelings for each other, he says to himself because sounding like a girl is not something he wants happening at the moment; that doesn't make any sense.
"Oh well." Sirius grabs Remus's face again. "Just go with it," he says against Remus's mouth. And Remus does.
Sirius's tongue hits a button on the roof of Remus's mouth, and finally shuts off his brain. They're devouring each other. With each intake of breath, Sirius moves his hand faster and faster. Remus can feel moisture beading and a growing tightness and he's sharing Sirius's heartbeat and it's all too much.
"Oh," Sirius gasps, ripping his mouth from Remus's. Remus takes control over Sirius's left hand, and finally gives into feeling, really feeling every bump, line, dip, and hair on Sirius's body. He lets his, or Sirius's hand creep lower and lower, resting it shyly on Sirius's hip. Remus knows that if he goes any further, there's no turning back. He needs reassurance. He needs to know that Sirius isn't going to run from him once their separated. Sirius groans suddenly, viciously, and thrusts his hip up. He knocks his forehead against Remus'. Remus tilts his head to look into the two blurring, burning gray eyes. "Are you going to deny me, Moony?"
That's all the assurance Remus needs. He pushes his, or Sirius's hand down and wraps it around Sirius's other hand.
"Oh, fuck," Sirius moans, when Remus starts to drag his, or Sirius's fingernails gently up the underside of Sirius's cock. "Fuck, Moony." Remus wants to laugh and remind Sirius that these are technically his own hands that he's finding so gratifying.
Sirius starts to breath heavier. The quick inhaling and exhaling, over and over, is causing Remus's head to spin. "Mmm," he shudders. He moves Sirius's left hand down, stroking up in mirror of Sirius's other hand.
"Yes," Sirius moans. "So good."
"Go faster, Padfoot," Remus says, and he can't believe he said something so forward, but it's too late to be embarrassed. And it doesn't matter because Sirius listens, and practically screams in approval
"Oh, God, Moony," Sirius groans, he turns his head to face Remus's. They try to kiss again but all they can manage is to pant hotly into each other's face. "Almost," Sirius whispers. "Yeah, Moony?" Remus nods stiffly. "It's just us," Sirius manages before his whole body stills and then explodes.
In the morning, the real morning where the sunlight tickled the corners of their eyes, they looked at each other. And if Sirius smiles or frowns, Remus can't decipher before James sticks his head through the curtains.
"Ah. Do I detect a silence charm," he waggles his eyebrows. Remus has a distinct feeling that James knows something. "Up, you dogs! Breakfast a waits."
They dress quickly, back into the same shirt that Sirius had on yesterday because the neck hole expanded when Remus's head was transplanted. They go down to the Great Hall. Not a word passes between them. Remus is lost for words and Sirius seems to be in a rather predictable funk. He doesn't know what to do in this situation. Does he ask Sirius to talk about it, does he just start talking about it, does he pretend it never happened? And then Remus keeps thinking why he has to be the one to make that decision, so he doesn't say anything.
Before they even make it to their seat, Professor McGonagall stops them, and directs them to the Hospital Wing. "Madame Pomfrey has your cure. We hope."
They begin their ascent to the Hospital Wing, when Sirius finally breaks their silence. "And we've finally got this whole walking thing down."
Remus laughs, but it dies quickly in his throat. "Sirius," he whispers. "About, about-"
"It's OK, Moony," Sirius interrupts him. "Don't worry about it. It was just a wank."
"Yeah," Remus nods. And he uses every strand of marrow in Sirius's bones to hold back his feeling of disappointment until he's back in his own skin.
Madame Pomfrey hands them two steaming goblets of purple-blue goo, and tells them to drink it down.
As the last drop squelches down Remus's throat, it happens. This is what an egg shell must feel, if it is able to feel anything. Being separated, torn, cut apart. He's screaming. Sirius is yelping. And his vision goes black.
Remus doesn't know how many seconds, minutes, months must have passed when he opens his eyes. He's lying on a bed in the Hospital Wing. Tentatively, he reaches down to his side…and touches the bumpy raised skin or where his Werewolf Bite is. Remus sits up and his arms are scratched, his toenails are cut, and everything is where it should be.
"Do you pass inspection, Moony?" Sirius says, leaping onto the foot of Remus's bed.
"Yes," Remus sighs, falling back against his pillows.
"Madame Pomfrey told me your body was hiding out in my bladder."
"Is that why you had to pee so much?"
Sirius rolls his eyes. "Are you OK, though? Really?"
"I feel fine," Remus says, stretching his body out. "Well…mentally, I feel different." He's begging himself to say something to Sirius.
"It definitely was an experiencing."
Remus smiles. "A really good one. In the end."
"Yeah?" Sirius asks. When Remus nods, suddenly everything in the world shifts, and Sirius looks like a lost puppy. "Moony?" he asks.
Sirius smiles, and starts to crawl up the bed towards Remus. Remus feels a twinge of nerves tighten his muscles, and he's so happy to be back in his own body again.
"Remember that one time this morning?" Sirius whispers, against Remus's ear.
"It was only a wank, I thought."
Sirius touches his nose against Remus's. "Don't be stupid."