Everybody Loves Balthier

After the events taken place on the sky-fortress Bahamut, and after everything has returned back to the way it was before the Archadian occupation, we now join our favorite sky pirate and Viera.

Balthier: Fran? Fran!

Getting no response, Balthier gets up from his chair and heads over to the kitchen, finding Fran looking at the calendar.

Balthier: Fran, I was calling you.

Fran: Sorry, Balthier. I was just checking the calendar.

Balthier: For what? Are you expecting a baby?

Fran: Yes.

Balthier: ... What?

Fran: I have an appointment with Dr. Cid on Thursday.

Balthier: It's not even April Fool's, Fran.

Fran: So?

Balthier: What's with the jokes?

Fran: I'm not kidding.

Balthier: Oh.

Balthier knocks out.

Fran: Balthier?! Balthier! Somebody, call an ambulance!

Nono: What do I look like, a secretary?

Fran: (Narrows eyes.)

Meanwhile, back at Migelo's Sundries.

Penelo: It's hard to believe a year has passed.

Vaan: Didn't you already say that during the ending of Final Fantasy XII?

Penelo: Oh, yeah. (Blushes.)

Kytes: I can't believe you two are getting married!

Ashe: Neither can I.

Penelo: Hi, Ashe! What brings you down here?

Ashe: Bored. Plus, I ran out of sundae pies so I decided to vent my frustration out on your fiancé.

Vaan: Oh, great...

Ashe starts chasing Vaan with the Excalibur while Vaan throws potions and elixers at her.

Ashe: Yaaargh! (Pounds chest.)

King Kong: Oh, I like her! (Eyes Ashe.)

Vaan: Stay away from me, you beast! I helped you get your throne back!

Ashe: No, you didn't. All you did was complain about your dead brother--

Reks: At least he doesn't forget about his relatives. (Burps.)

Ashe: --then ran away with the Strahl.

Penelo: He didn't run away with the Strahl. Besides, you were there, too, Ashe.

Vaan: Yeah!

Ashe: No one was talking to you.

Reks: Well, no one invited you!

Vaan: Yeah!

Penelo: Oh, stop it, Vaan. You're just angry that I didn't massage you in that special way last night.

Vaan: Yeah! (Turns to Penelo.)

Ashe: That's gross.

Reks: Yeah...

One minute passes by after everyone stares at each other.

Penelo: Well, what do you guys wanna do now?

Reks: Let's get some nachos.

Ashe: How about visit Balthier and Fran?

Penelo: Good idea!

Vaan: Yeah!

Penelo, Ashe and Reks: (Stares at Vaan.)

Vaan: I mean, okay!

Penelo: We should stop by and visit Larsa and Basch first.

Ashe: Nah. We'll just go see Fran and Balthier.

Penelo: But I thought you miss him--

Ashe: Come on, Penelo! (Drags Penelo to the nearest airship.)

Reks: (Leans towards Vaan.) I think they hit the rough patch.

Vaan: Yeah.

Everyone exits Migelo's Sundries.

Kytes: (Drools.)

Migelo: Ashe has a nice ass, doesn't she?
Kytes: (Nods slowly.)

Draklor Laboratory.

Balthier paces back and forth. Doctor Cid exits the examination room.

Balthier: How is she, doctor?

Dr. Cid: Can't really tell, Ffamran. I don't even know where her liver is at.

Balthier: Would you... God damn it, stop calling me Ffamran.

Dr. Cid: Why? What's wrong with your birth name?

Balthier looks left to right.

Balthier: Not even Fran knows that!

Dr. Cid: And how long has she been your navigator?

Balthier: That doesn't matter. How is she, you stupid oaf?

Dr. Cid: Right. The embryo is just forming. We can take an ultra-sound now if you wish.

Balthier: So... I'm really going to be a dad?

Dr. Cid: Yep! (Big smile.) Just like me!

Balthier: Which means I'd give my kid an embarrassing name like Georginiagook and become obsessed with Nethicite all the while having flabby neck skin. Just like you.

Balthier enters the examination room.

Dr. Cid: You take that back!

Venat: Don't worry, honeycakes. I love your flabby neck skin. (Massages Dr. Cid's back.)

Dr. Cid: He's just going through those phases.

Balthier approaches right next to Fran who has some sort of device on her belly.

Fran: I think I might have eaten a flan. (Points at the monitor.)

Balthier: No, Fran. That's a baby.

Fran: A baby? You mean...

Balthier: Yep. (Smiles and holds Fran's hand.)

Fran: I ate it! Oh, my gods! Balthier, we have to get it out of me now! (Panics.)

Balthier: No... damn it, you're pregnant. You didn't eat it.

Fran: Oh. I knew that.

Dr. Cid enters the room.

Dr. Cid: So, how are you two?

Balthier: Happy, actually.

Fran: I'm going to be a mommy! (Pets her stomach.)

Venat: And Balthier's going to be a papa.

Fran: Balthier, we should name it.

Balthier: Right now? We don't even know what gender it would be.

Dr. Cid: Well, Viera are automatically female, so you should think of a feminine name. It's a one in a thousand percent chance it would be a boy.

Fran: How about, Gyorknrk?

Balthier: ...

Venat: Where did you get that from?

Fran: I mixed my parents' names together.

Balthier: And what are your parents' names?

Fran: Bjork and Gynrk.

Balthier: (To himself.) Great.

Dr. Cid: I think it's a good name.

Balthier: What the fu...


Basch: (Approaches Larsa in Judge Gabranth's armour.) You called, my lord?

Larsa: (Hands over a letter.) Balthier and Fran are expecting.

Basch: Expecting what? Visitors? Loan sharks? Depths?

Larsa: No, dumbass. A child.

Basch: Oh, nice. Hahaha, Balthier's screwed.

Larsa: I thought the exact same thing.

Basch: Huh, Penelo and Vaan are getting married. Isn't Penelo jailbait?

Larsa: Well, it has been a year. Penelo should be legal by now.

Basch: You can tell she's taking advantage of her legal age.

Larsa: How?

Basch: I can smell sex on this letter. Plus, read this.

Larsa: I'm not touching that!

Basch: Oh, come on. Just read it.

Larsa: "P.S.: If you're wondering why this letter smells like sperm and vaginal fluid, Vaan and I had sex on top of the table while I was writing this letter to you."

Larsa: Well, that's disturbing.

Basch: It also means you might have touched Vaan's semen.

Larsa: Gross! (Drops letter.)

Larsa: You might have touched it, too!

Basch: I'm wearing thick, leather gloves, Larsa.

Noah: Hey, anyone ordered a Big Mac with deluxe fries?

Larsa: Gabranth!

Basch and Noah: Yes?

Larsa: Not you, Basch. I mean your brother.

Noah: What?

Larsa: I thought you died.

Noah: Nope. Just went for a stroll over to Mickey D's.

Basch: Whose twenty-piece McNuggets?

Noah: Whoever's.

Basch: Shotgun!

Larsa: Anyway, we should probably pay a visit over to Penelo and Balthier. It's been a while since we've seen them.

Noah: Eh, I'll tag along just for the hell of it. You get to see Ashe again, Basch.

Basch chokes on his McNuggets after stuffing some in his mouth.

Basch: No way, that princess is crazy. (Spits food out.)

Larsa: But she misses you, Gabranth.

Noah: I thought she hated me.

Larsa: For fuck's sake... NOT YOU! You're not Gabranth anymore!

Noah: Awww... bummer.

Larsa: Come now; let's make our way over to Rabanastre.

Noah: I'm in.

Basch: Noff fucking wayff! (Mouth still filled with McNuggets.)

Noah: If you stay here, Basch, Drace will come and possibly try to molest you. Trust me, that armour has some attachment to her.

Basch: As if I'm scared. I'm Captain Basch fon Ronsenburg of Dalmasca!

Judge Drace: Gabranth, dear! Where are you! I need help taking out my... bra!

Basch: Wait for me! (Chases Larsa and Noah.)

AN: Well, that's all for now. Let me know what you think.