Balthier: (Hiding behind a shield.) Noah, I must ask. Is Basch mentally retarded?
Noah: (Also hiding behind a shield.) That's a strong word, Balthier. I think educationally challenged is more fitting.
Larsa: (Another one who's also hiding behind a shield.) It's surprising that you two got along after I took over the Empire.
Vossler gets up and tosses his shield aside.
Vossler: You have a point. Hey, Basch! Get over here!
Basch: But I must defeat the army of Sauran! This is for Dalmasca and Lebanon!
Balthier: What in the living hell is Lebanon? It's not even on the damn map.
Basch: Actually, it's a small country in the Middle East.
Vossler and Larsa: Wow.
Balthier: You moron, I'm talking about the Final Fantasy XII map.
Basch: It matters not! The armies will overpower Ivalice if we do not fight back!
Balthier: Renegade Zabuza Momochi, you're the author, right? Can't you just make them disappear?
Renegade Zabuza Momochi: Who? Sauran's army? Where's the fun in that?
Balthier: People are expecting to have a much better story than some lousy--
Balthier gets shocked by Lightning.
Fran: Good baby! Mommy loves you! (Snuggles Lightning.)
Ashe: I thought everybody loved Balthier?
Vaan: I smell dookie.
Penelo: Is it changing time, Vaan?
Vaan: I don't think it's me this time. I can smell dookie big time.
Fran: (Sniffs Lightning.) Well, it isn't her.
Ashe: Vaan's right, what is that smell? (Sniffs the air.)
Penelo: I don't know, but I'm starting to suffocate.
Back to the battlefield.
Basch: At long last, my enemies have fallen by utilizing the Dookiemeister Technique 109!
Larsa: (Covering his nose.) Put your damn pants on! And wipe your ass!
Vossler hurls over to the side and begins to puke.
Balthier: (Wipes off the ashes on his body after getting shocked.) Well, at least Sauran's armies are slowly deteriorating.
Noah: (Covering his nose with a clothes-pin.) The 'secret weapon' Basch used was disgusting, though. Brother, wipe your ass and put your pants back on!
Basch: Hang on, I need to tie my shoes. For some reason, they were tied a few chapters back. Don't know how they were untied. (Bends over.)
Balthier, Vossler, Larsa and Noah: MY EYES!
Penelo: Is Basch doing what I think he is?
Fran: If he's mooning us, I'm going to have to shoot him.
Ashe: Ew! Basch just took a shat on the battlefield!
Vaan: Cool! I want to see!
Penelo and Ashe tie Vaan down to his seat.
Penelo: No, Vaan! No!
Vaan: You guys are doo-doo heads!
Fran: I may as well land the Strahl.
Fran lands the Strahl down on the battlefield where Vossler, Larsa, Noah and Balthier quickly run into the ship.
Balthier: I am going to have nightmares for the next seventeen years.
Fran, Ashe and Penelo: Seventeen?
Balthier: Lightning will be sixteen by then and will star in the next edition of Final Fantasy. She'll be able to drive at that time.
Larsa: Good innovations, but what does that have to do with the terrible sight we just witnessed?
Basch in the distance: I can't tie my shoes! Can somebody help me?
Everyone in the Strahl: NO!
Basch: Why the hell not?
Ashe: You stink!
Basch: And you're a slut!
Ashe: At least I don't smell like cow dung!
Basch: Hah! So you admit that you're a slut.
Ashe: W-what? I-... I didn't mean that! Urgh! (Stomps to the other side of the Strahl and sits down, folding her arms.)
Balthier: Ah, forget it. Let's just head back to Archades. (Prepares to take off.)
Basch: (Running at the flying Strahl with his pants dangling between his legs.) Wait! You forgot about me!
Ten minutes later, the group returns to Archades.
Balthier: Okay, now we have to go to the hospital and register Lightning's name.
Larsa: We'll be in the waiting room while you and Fran handle the paperwork.
Fran: I have to see how much the baby weighs first.
Balthier: For what?
Fran: It's a mother thing.
One hour later...
Noah: What's taking them so long?
Penelo: It must be a hard process just to register Lightning in.
Ashe: Is it me or does everybody find it odd that they named her Lightning? I mean, of all the people, Noob Saibot suggested it.
Vaan: According to my fortune teller, Lightning will be the main protagonist for Final Fantasy XIII.
Penelo: You're not talking about Miss Cleo, are you?
Vaan: No way! I'm talking about the Butabi brothers! (Smiles.)
Ashe: Butabi brothers?
Larsa: (Smacks himself.)
Vossler: A Night at the Roxbury was a good movie.
Noah: WHAT IS LOVE?!
Basch enters the hospital's waiting room, panting. He has his pants on. Then he suddenly falls to the floor, still gasping for air.
Basch: You guys forgot about me!
Noah: Actually, no. We didn't want our lungs to be contaminated by your feces.
Larsa: You did wipe your ass, right?
Basch: Of course! I have proof! (Holds up the tissue papers that are smeared with poo.)
Ashe's face turns green, Penelo pukes on Vaan, Vaan pukes on Larsa, Larsa pukes on Vossler and Noah narrowly avoids being puked on by Vossler, but accidentally runs his hand on the tissue paper that Basch was holding.
Noah: Oh, hell no...
Basch: Hey, we're brothers. It's okay.
Noah: You're right. Smell your poo.
Basch places the tissue paper in front of his nose and gives it a sniff. Noah slaps the hand that Basch is holding up against his nose, causing it to collide with Basch's face, sloshing all of the crap on Basch.
Noah: Hey, we're brothers. (Rolls eyes.)
Basch: I... smell... DOODIE!
Noah: (Heads for the exit.) I'm going to wash my hands.
Larsa: You have some corn on your poo.
Basch: Really? (Picks the corn off from his face and begins to put it in his mouth.)
Ashe and Penelo: Basch! Don't!
Basch eats the corn: Mmm'mm. Corn.
Vaan: How does it taste?
Everyone but Basch slowly turns to Vaan.
Basch: It tastes like roasted pork beans, actually.
Ashe: You are so gross.
Larsa: No comment. Aside from all of the commotion, what is taking Balthier and Fran so long?
Draklor Laborator's office.
Balthier: What do you mean I can't have her registered? She's a damn baby!
Dr. Cid: According to our policies, she has to be born here in order to be registered as an Archadian, Ffamran.
Balthier: Will you stop calling me that! Sweet Lord in Heaven!
Fran: Balthier's right, she-- wait. Ffamran?
Balthier: That idiot father of mine named me. (Points at Dr. Cid.)
Fran: And you say Gyorknrk was a funny name.
Balthier: Love, now is not the time to make fun of my birth name.
Fran: On the contrary, yes it is.
Dr. Cid: Where did you get the name Lightning from anyway?
Fran and Balthier: Noob.
Dr. Cid: Who?
Fran: Noob Saibot.
Dr. Cid: Noob Saibot? I can see why your daughter has a weird name.
Balthier: You imbecile. (Smacks Dr. Cid on the back of his head.)
Fran: Can we please just get back to the point?
Dr. Cid: Oh, right. She has to have been born on Archadian territory in order to be registered as an Archadian citizen.
Balthier: Jesus Christ, you're dumb. She was born on Archades. That is Archadian territory. And I am an Archadian citizen. That automatically makes Lightning an Archadian.
Dr. Cid: What about Fran?
Balthier: Fran has nothing to do with her citizenship except giving birth on the Imperial City of Archades' Hospital!
Fran: I'm an Archadian citizen as well, Balthier.
Balthier: I know that!
Dr. Cid: You don't have to get mad. You could have said that in the beginning.
Fran and Balthier: ...
Vaan: (Reading the Daily Archadian.) Huh, listen to this. "Emperor Gramis dies again by an Estrogen overdose after farting ten consecutive times during his speech at Old Archades. Judge Faggoth was the head minister during the burial. Vayne Solidor is nowhere to be found." Talk about randomness.
Ashe: I didn't know you can read, Vaan.
Penelo: Oh, he has his smart moments.
Noah enters the waiting room with freshly clean hands: What did I miss?
Vossler: Not much. You've only been gone for a few minutes.
Noah: It took me half an hour to wash my hands clean. Where did Basch go?
Larsa: I believe he went down to Footlocker to get smaller shoes.
Noah: What's the point in that?
Vossler: Basch said that if he can find shoes that are tight enough, they would hug his feet and there would be no need to tie his shoes in the first place.
Noah: What the...
Larsa: Yes, it's very idiotic.
Basch: Do you have these in size six? (Holds up a pair of G-Units.)
Footlocker Salesclerk: Yes, we do, but wouldn't they be too tight for you, sir?
Footlocker Salesclerk: Wouldn't you prefer a shoe size that would fit?
Basch: No. I demand a size six! Do you know who I am?
Footlocker Salesclerk: Paul Phoenix?
Basch: No! I am Judge Magister Gabranth of the 9th Bureau!
Footlocker Salesclerk: Oh, my apologies, Your Honor! (Runs over to the storage room.)
Basch: My plan is working. Bwuahaha.
Penelo: Does anyone else feel that this fan fiction is very odd?
Ashe: Odd as in what?
Penelo: Oh, I don't know. I read the summary. You were supposed to be a Muslim--
Ashe: I've converted already.
Penelo: --Vaan and I are engaged, Basch needs to learn how to tie his shoes and Balthier and Fran just had a baby. Is there some plot here that we should know about?
Vossler: Penelo has a point. Hey, author, how long is this fan fic supposed to be, anyway?
Renegade Zabuza Momochi: I'm not the one who makes the decisions. It's the fans, as long as they get lovely reviews.
Larsa: That would explain all of the random appearances.
Sephiroth: You can say for yourself.
Noah: You look familiar.
Sephiroth: Name's Sephiroth. First Class SOLDIER and antagonist of Final Fantasy VII.
Vossler: What are you doing here?
Sephiroth: I live here.
Ashe: In Archades? I thought you were stationed in Midgar.
Sephiroth: It got boring. Plus, beating Cloud Strife over and over isn't as fun as it used to be.
Larsa: Well, that explains everything. Sort of.
Sephiroth: Besides, I heard Vincent Valentine was here earlier with Squall Leonhart.
Vossler: And Siegfried.
Larsa: And Mitsurugi.
Noah: And Jin.
Sephiroth: Wow. Talk about insane randomness.
Vaan: You can say that again.
Ashe: Wow, Vaan, your intelligence is starting to shine.
Vaan: (Watching Jerry Springer.) You can say that again.
Penelo: Okay, maybe not.
Ashe: I wonder what Balthier and Fran are doing.
Draklor Laboratory's office.
Balthier: WOULD YOU JUST REGISTER HER DAMN NAME?!
Dr. Cid: But are you sure you want to name her Lightning?
Fran and Balthier: YES!
Dr. Cid: Fiiine. (Registers Lightning's name into the population of Archadia.)
Dr. Cid: All set and done.
Fran: What about the baby's weight?
Dr. Cid: Let me see. Ah, here we go. Nine pounds, six ounces.
Balthier: At least she's healthy.
Dr. Cid: Her immune system won't work at its maximum capacity until she's a year old, so you two should be very careful about what you feed her, the surroundings, the germs, the things she touches...
Balthier: Okay, we get it, old fart. Come, Fran, let's return to the others.
Fran: Who's a good baby? Yes you are! Yes you are! (Presses her cheek against Lightning's.)
Basch: It will fit, trust me! (Is attempting to fit his thirteen inch foot into the size six shoe.)
Footlocker Salesclerk: Your Honor, I really do insist you get a shoe that's your size.
Basch: (Stares at the salesclerk with green eyes.) Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me if I'm angry.
Balthier and Fran exits the office and enters the waiting room.
Larsa: Finally! I honestly thought we were going to endure one of Vaan's stupid magick tricks.
Vaan: (Pulls a Dreamhare out of the wormhole of the magick Scathe.) Ta-da!
Balthier: Blame that no good of a father of mine. He's incredulous stupidity kept us.
Fran: You shouldn't blame him that much, Ffamran. He probably just wanted to spend some time with you. And us. (Holds Lightning.)
Vossler, Larsa and Noah: Ffamran?
Balthier: Don't ask. Say, whatever happened to Basch? I can smell him, for some reason.
Penelo: He's at Footlocker.
Balthier: We have a Footlocker at Draklor?
Vaan: I can smell poo.
Penelo: Vaan, now is not the time for your silly antics.
Vaan: No, really! I can smell poo! It's pretty close.
Ashe: Oh, just shut up! Waaaiiit. He's right.
Fran: Uh oh. I think Lightning needs a changing. Balthier, go to the restroom and change her.
Balthier: Hold on, woman. Why me?
Balthier: Oh, come on!
Fran: FFAMRAN! GO CHANGE HER, OR GODS HELP ME, I'LL MURDER YOUR ASS!
Ashe: Calm down, tiger!
Larsa and Noah: ... hahahaha.
Balthier: This is not my day. Seriously. I thought everybody loved me.
Penelo: Balthier! She really needs to be changed!
Balthier: Ah, fuck it. I'll be right back. Come, baby girl. (Carries Lightning and heads to the nearest restroom.)
Sephiroth: That was funny.
Sephiroth suddenly goes pale.
Sephiroth: I need to use the restroom, too. I think I might have taken a laxative. (Runs towards the boys' restroom.)
Vaan: I want to go! (Runs after Sephiroth.)
Vossler: Why is he going?
Penelo: I don't know why, but Vaan has a fascination when it comes to fecal matters.
Larsa: Ah, no wonder. Still, I find that utterly digusting.
Basch enters the waiting room via blowing a hole through the wall.
Basch: BASCH SMASH!
The story hasn't ended and a plot has yet to be revealed. Stay tuned.
AN: Running low on ideas, but I've at least updated. Reviews will be flattering.