Zero- No feeling
I can kiss him and feel his tongue on mine, but I can't feel the intensity of his kiss. I can only feel the pressure that is what I trade for no pain. However, the pain of not feeling his passionate kisses transcends any physical pain ten folds. I'd much rather feel his kiss and suffer the blessed yet cursed pain receptors than to live the way I do right now.
I must guess the sensation I'm supposed to feel. I must assume that I'm a good kisser, I'll never know, he'll never know. It is a sad thing being a zero. There is no point in me losing my ears. I've always promised myself I would lose them while making love, but there is no point. I can' feel the love he puts into his kisses, so for us making love is constant agony.
I'm always wondering if it is love-making instead of pleasurable pressure. Pain is pressure with the sting of life guiding it. Is this why I long for pain? Or do I want pain only for its benefits?
"Negisa-sensi," I speak to the one who manufactured my existence, or rather my body.
"Yes Youji?" she asks kindly but not turning away from her computer screen.
"I hate you…" I conclude letting air flow from my passionless mouth.
She turned her chair, this has gotten her attention.
"What? Why would you hate me?" she whines like a greedy child who's wishes were rejected.
"You've taken my pain, I hate you for taking it from me," I elaborate while still, unknowingly, making is to where only I understood.
"Youji…you were made with pain that was the purpose. Pain is a dreadful thing child. You have a life that is pain-free! Do you know how lucky you are?" She inquires thinking of this complex existence as if it were simple.
"I envy humans. You can feel pain and all other things. I can only feel the consequences and repercussions of pain. You've also taken love from me and placed me one step above it. I'm in agony. And mom, this is why I hate you," I finish walking out of her office.
For you humans who take kissing, sex, highs and drunken times for granted, remember what I've said. You truly are magnificent creatures. You can feel love, passion, drunkenness, and being high. Never sell out these emotions…never.
"Are you ready now Youji?" Natsuo asks me as we walk out of the school.
"Yes…" I say still in a somewhat depressed mood.
Natsuo slips his hand into mine and smiles at me lightly. I smile back at him as my ears and tail instantly perk up.
"Where are we gonna go now?" I ask loudly like always.
"Back to the masochists' house of course!" He replies.
Now, it's as if all those thoughts of mine had never occurred, although they still feel like lead weights on my soul, Natsuo doesn't need to worry…I will always love him no matter what my 'destiny' says.