This oneshot, Our Sanity Might Make Us Insane, was inspired by the song,
Temporary Insanity, By Alexz Johnson.
References and lyric clippings from Temporary Insanity by Alexz Johnson are in this
I wrote it to for anyone who will read it, and to tie over anyone waiting for updates to my other stories. I'm working on them,
and sorry for the wait!
I hope you all like it!
I walked slowly up the stairs and quietly closed my bedroom door once I entered. I sat down on my bed and stared into space, but I was really watching the events of what had just happened in my mind like it was on a projection and it was playing through my mind onto the space on the floor that I was staring at.
My heart beat seemed to be in slow motion as my thoughts pumped like a high paced song. The kind that makes you want to jump around and sing in that moment, where you're a rock star and you never want it to end. Then it ends and everything is back to normal.
I felt like an enormous contradiction. My mind was buzzing and a rush of adrenaline was flowing through me, yet I felt like I had just waded through molasses. Like I was in slow motion along with my heart. Everything seemed to be spinning around me, and I was so slow I was almost motionless. I couldn't make myself catch up to everything else.
I could hear myself screaming. Yelling at him like I never had before. For right now, I can't remember what I was yelling at him for this time. I'll probably remember later. But not now. I could almost feel the red in my face as I screamed until I was out of breath. I sucked in my breath, and released it, waiting for Derek to take his turn in another one of our battles.
But he didn't.
He didn't yell. He didn't look at me with any kind of new found passion, or even an old passion. He didn't step toward me. He didn't do anything. At first. He just stepped past me, shaking his head. Leaving me standing so confused.
I didn't get it. He was not the one to walk away from a fight. Without even a word. He walked away like he didn't have time for this anymore. Like he was tired of the same, screaming things we wouldn't remember, about things we wouldn't care about the next day.
I stood there, facing where Derek had been standing, breathing heavily. I turned around, ready to go upstairs and listen to some music if we were just going to skip the fight. But when I turned around, I was surprised to see that Derek was there. Standing behind me, looking like he had no idea what he was doing.
"What now-" I began to ask, but I was cut off.
Derek had taken a wary step toward me, took my hand in his, and...kissed me.
It was a gentle kiss. Not crazy or passionate. It was gentle and sweet. Something I wouldn't have expected from Derek. But I didn't expect him to kiss me, either, so I guess there's something underneath to be seem about Derek Venturi.
He slowly moved closer, moving a hand around my waist, until it moved up, all the way to my cheek, and brushing hair behind my ear. He brushed his thumb across my cheek before pulling away.
His face was filled with confusion. There was a the smallest hints of a smile on his face, but it was the kind of smile you could tell he didn't know was there. His thoughts seemed crossed between wondering what just happened and what he just did.
He put his hands in his pockets, and without a word, he made his way up to his room.
I stood rooted to where I was, feeling like the wind was knocked out of me, and I was floating. Then that's when I made my way up to my room, leaving me where I am now,relentlessly replaying it all in my mind.
He just kissed me. The thought weaved itself into the tidal wave of memories and unknown feelings and indefinite confusion that was hitting me. That's not a place I' ever thought I'd be.
Then it hit me: What happens now?
Are we going to pretend it didn't happen. Never speak of it again, and keep on fighting? Or is this the start of something? Something new, that could be...could be anything, really.
Later on, I heard people start to come home. Thank God that no one else was home when Derek kissed me. My heart beat a little faster when I thought the last part. I couldn't tell if this was good or very bad.
I headed downstairs, not wanting to seclude myself. I was at the bottom steps of the stairs when Derek rushed up to go up th stairs, and we knocked into each other.
I couldn't process anything, just knowing I was near him. Then I made the mistake of looking him in the eye. I stumbled backwards, but managed to grab the railing before completely falling on my ass.
Derek gave a small smile. I couldn't tell what was behind the smile. Laughter at me being Klutzilla? Or something else?
"Yeah, Case, dinners ready." he simply said.
"O-o-ok." It took me a couple seconds to say.
"Ok." he said, before brushing past me and heading upstairs.
I looked behind me and watched him walk. He went in the bathroom. Once the door closed, I slumped down on the steps of the stairs, and put a hand to my head.
Oh my gosh! I'm so stupid! I couldn't even say anything correctly, let alone stay capable of standing up! I can't believe I'm acting this way. I can't believe Derek is making me act this way!
I refused to look up from my plate throughout dinner. Isn't it just splendid that Derek was situated right across from me at the dinner table. I could just be very paranoid and weird right now, but I could have sworn I felt his eyes on me. But I wouldn't know, because like I said, I seriously didn't look up at all.
Once I finished eating, I politely dashed from the table, and made my way upstairs. It was Saturday, and I'm so thankful for that. I don't think I could handle going to school this confused and nervous, and un-orderly. I paced around my room, stopping every two seconds to do something with my hands. I think I straightened a picture on my wall twelve times, and reorganized my Cd's eight.
After a while of doing this, and hearing everyone bustle downstairs, I sort of just dropped to the floor in front of my bed, letting my head tilt back and lay against the cushion of my comforter. I am not liking that I feel like I'm going crazy over an encounter that lasted a mere ten seconds. It's just not fair.
I fell asleep sitting against my bed. I woke up at about 2 a.m. , and had to drag myself off of the ground and onto my bed. After that, I was completely unconscious. Completely. Until I heard a soft tapping on my bedroom door.
I let out a muffled groan into my pillow, and opened one eye slightly. I was greeted by bright light streaming through the blinds on my window. So bright it could only be afternoon light. Thank God, for the weekend. I think, before forcing myself to open the other eye, and sit up. The tapping continued.
I got up and opened the door, expecting-and slightly hoping- that it would be my mom, or Lizzie coming to check up on me, since I'm not usually the sleep in type of girl. But the one person I had been capable of not wanting- even in my still half asleep state- to be on the other side of the door, was, of course, there.
"Case, I need to talk to you." Derek said immediately when I opened the door.
Without pause, or giving me the chance to reply, he stepped inside my room and closed the door. I did not like this. I did not like Derek in my room. I didn't like how it made me nervous. A butterfly in my stomach nervous, and a knot in my stomach nervous.
"Where's everyone?" I asked, since I already didn't want him in my room, but I was definitely going to show him the door, then and there, if people were in the house. I just had to be cautionary, whatever Derek's means for coming up to my room.
"I don't know, but I know they're not home." he said.
The way he looked, a nervous, pitiful, gloomy look, killed all the butterflies in my gut, and tightened the knot to military standards.
"Case. I-I wanted to talk to you about yesterday..."
I sat down on my bed. Whatever he was going to tell me, I could already tell it wasn't good.
"Yeah.." I said.
"I-I'm not sure... well, I'm not sure if what I did yesterday...was well, right..." he said.
My heart started to beat hard.
"I just think that we crossed a line yesterday. Maybe...maybe...I think it was a mistake."
I sat, silently, as Derek stood fumbling with his hands, waiting for my reply. Maybe also for my reaction, because I don't think any emotion went over my face. At all. I don't think I moved.
My insides felt like I couldn't breath, even though I easily took steady breaths.
"I didn't know there were any lines you'd regret crossing." I almost whispered.
I mean, this was Derek. Crossing lines, pushing buttons, breaking through. That's what he did.
"I don't know if this was a line meant to be crossed..."
"Did you want to, though?"
"What?" Derek asked.
"Kiss me. Did you want to kiss me. Was it impulse. Or had you wanted to?"
Derek stood awkwardly for a moment, before saying, "Yeah, I wanted to. But I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have."
"We can't undo this, you know." I said.
Derek nodded solemnly.
I bit my lip, then turned my head away from him.
"And maybe I don't want to."
I looked up at Derek. He looked so sad. I couldn't tell in his eyes if he felt the same. But I could tell, that whether he felt the same or not, he still believed he shouldn't have kissed me. And that's all I could see, even after he turned and left my room, without a word, closing the door behind him.
The next couple days, Derek and I had almost no interaction. We didn't speak, we didn't fight, we barely glanced at each other. But I was still so confused.
I wasn't sure if I wanted Derek to change his mind. It seemed insane that I had gotten so attached to the thought of him, only to have him try and detach it, what seemed like seconds later. But I was still holding onto it. It seemed so crazy to want him.
I found myself wandering back to my room, ever day, instead of anything else. Sitting at my desk, I soon realized that lines from a song I heard, but barely remembered, were scrawled on every free piece of paper my hands could find.
I kind of scared me that I hadn't even realized what I had been doing.
It's temporary insanity
What's going on with you and me?
Is it real or is it fantasy?
Forever or just temporary?
The line that I had subconsciously pulled out of the depths of my mind was now burning itself into my thoughts. It was just so perfect to how I felt. And I hated that.
The days went on, seeming way too long for my liking. Nothing seemed to be happening around me. It was quite boring. And I missed everything I had before Derek kissed me. My sanity, for one. And even our fighting. But then I missed everything I couldn't have. Is it possible to miss things that were never yours? It sure feels that way.
It's two weeks after everything that happened with Derek, I went up to my room after an especially long day at school. It was long, because Emily told me that she was moving. Yep. Moving, as in away. Away from next door. Away from our school. Away from me.
I'm still stuck on Derek, so this just smashed me harder against my blah-ness.
I spent all day, sulking. Listening to her tell me over and over that we'd still be friends. That she'd call and write, and visit. All in all, she somehow convinced me into going to a party with her tonight. Because it's her last night here. Which sucked. I can't understand why she waited completely last minute to tell me that she was leaving.
But I said I'd go to the party. I really regret that. I'm not the part person. But I got dressed and left with Emily. I have no idea whose party this is. And I really stopped caring when I noticed Derek, surrounded by his usual posse of idiotic guys, and slutty girls.
Great. I think. Like being here wasn't bad enough.
I stare at him for a moment, and that moment is long enough for him to notice me. I turn away, not wanting to deal with any of this. Hoping I wouldn't have to deal with Derek.
"Come on, Em. Let's mingle." I said, hoping to wander away from Derek. Especially before she noticed him. But I just have no luck, because the next words out of her mouth are,
"Hey, look! It's Derek."
"Oh, yeah. Derek." I mumble.
"I'm going to go over there, okay." She states.
"Yeah, okay." I say, letting her wander into the horde surrounding Derek. I have no interest in joining her.
I stumble around, out of boredness, not drunkenness. I'm about to go look for Emily, when I realize that I don't have to. I see Emily and Derek talking. They go through a sliding glass door, outside, where barely anyone is, since it's almost freezing.
I make my way through the crowd, so that I can go outside too. I wanted to ask Em if we could go. She was my ride. I'm about to slide the glass open, when I stop. Because I watch Emily lace her arm behind Derek's neck, pulling him closer, and kissing him.
I turned away quickly, and without thinking, made my way out of the house. Out of the party. Out of the insanity. And I started to walk home. It was probably thirty-something degrees. But remember, I didn't think when I left. But as I was walking, trying to not let my emotions overcome me, I knew that Emily just wanted to kiss him, because she's liked him forever, and it was probably the only thing she really wanted. Even if he didn't. And I knew I shouldn't care. But I did.
And that's why I didn't let myself cry until I had gotten home, gone up to my room, slammed the door, and let myself collapse against it, sobbing for reasons I didn't understand, for someone I didn't want to know.
I don't know why I woke up. But I did. I was dead asleep, and it was 3:00 am, but it was like someone snapped and my eyes opened on command. I got up, an overwhelming feeling of nervousness and confusion that I couldn't understand washing over me.
I made my way to my bedroom door, intending to head downstairs and get a drink of water. But when I opened my door, I found Derek, standing there, looking very tired, and like he was contemplating whether or not he was going to knock on my door.
I actually wasn't surprised. I hadn't expected it, but I wasn't surprised. But that didn't stop my heart from beginning to slam in my chest. I didn't know what to expect.
"Oh." he said, when I opened my door, and just stared at him.
"I was-was just going to the...bathroom." He stumbled over his words, like trying to think of an excuse for standing in front of my bedroom door at 3 in the morning.
"No you weren't." I said simply.
He looked like he was about to argue, but then he hung his head and said,
"No. I wasn't."
"Then what were you doing."
Derek looked around the halls, then slid past me and into my room. I followed, warily, closing the door behind me.
" Case.. I just... I don't even know what to say."
"Well don't expect me to tell you, because I have no idea what is going on."
"You saw, didn't you?"
"Saw what?" I asked.
"Emily kiss me." he said.
"Casey, it didn't mean-"
"Derek, you don't have to tell me anything. I know Emily likes you and wanted to kiss you. And I also know it's none of my business. It's no matter to me who you kiss, is it." I said. A bitterness entwined in my tone that I hadn't really meant to be there.
"That's the thing, Casey." Derek said, taking a step toward me. "It should be."
I didn't think it was possible for my heart to beat any faster or harder, but it did.
"You-you said...you said it was a mistake. It's not going to happen. It's insane, the idea of us... I mean...We'd be risking everything-" I stumbled and stuttered, not really knowing what to say. I was scared to death.
Derek took another step toward me, so that I could feel his breath tickle my cheek.
His hand reached out, and his thumb brushed gently across my cheek the way it did when his first kissed me.
"Casey," he said.
"I'd rather risk everything with you, and lose, than let this pass me by, and risk losing so much more..."
His voice had gotten softer, as he trailed off his words while he leaned closer to me until his lips met mine. A kiss that sent chills up my spine.
This may be temporary insanity. I might be losing my mind. This could be real, or just a fantasy. This may be temporary, along with the insanity, or it may be forever. But at this point, I don't really care.
There's no place I'd rather be than in his arms. Especially since it's absolutely crazy.
I hope you enjoyed.
I really liked writing it!
I love all of you!