Organization XIII Does Wal-Mart

by Jade Rhade

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Pathetically, I don't even own a copy of the game. I don't own Wal-Mart (if I did, I'd be a hell of a lot richer than I am now!); in fact, I have nothing against Wal-Mart or their employees, believe it or not. I don't own any of the doubtless copyrighted items I will be featuring in this fanfiction. I do, however, have the Twilight Town theme playing right now. That's right- be jealous. :P

A/N: Something completely random I thought of in Western Civilizations class. Reviews would make me happy. Please? And yes, I do love the Demyx-man, but for the purposes of this fanfiction, he is being made fun of rather relentlessly. And I based Zexion's character off Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho, because, as stated in the disclaimer, I don't even own a copy of Kingdom Hearts, let alone Chain of Memories. Right, I'm babbling, so I shall shut the hell up now.

"This had better be important," Marluxia grumbled as he fell through a portal of darkness into his customary tall, white chair.

"I assure you that it is," Xemnas responded. As soon as he looked away, Marluxia began to mock him by swaying back and forth making fairly impressive hand gestures.

"Are we all here?" the Superior asked as Axel finally teleported in.

"If you've somehow forgotten how to count, perhaps the fact that all the seats are filled would give you a good indication that we are all, in fact, here," Marluxia muttered under his breath. He still wasn't happy about this impromptu meeting; he had been engaged in a very important task. Constant and consistent washing was essential for pink hair.

"Before I explain the assignments, I am required," Xemnas opened a small planner covered with various pictures of lightsabers, "to ask whether anyone has anything of importance to discuss." He looked up.

Demyx's hand shot up before Marluxia's own, far more languid, movement.

"Yes, Number Nine?" There was a long-suffering tone in Xemnas's voice.

"Um, I was wondering if we could change the paint scheme in here," the Melodious Nocturne voiced tentatively. "All this white makes me feel like we're in a crazy-people home."

We are, Marluxia thought.

"Does anyone have anything of importance to discuss?" Superior repeated, placing more emphasis on the phrase 'of importance'.

"When will Castle Oblivion be completed?" Larxene interjected without raising her hand. She glanced at Marluxia with a smirk, knowing that's what he was going to say.

"Very soon," Xemnas replied.

The pink-haired scythe-wielder smiled. "How I've waited to hear that."

Saïx winced and put his hand to his head. "I just experienced the strangest feeling of déjà vu," he murmured.

"Now, I'm not prepared to go on with this unless these interruptions cease." Xemnas was growing irritated.

There was silence.

"We have to go to Wal-Mart."

More silence.

Roxas toppled off his seat and hit the floor with a thud.

"That's a long way to fall," Xigbar noted, leaning over and peering down at the floor far below.

He raised his hand. "I'm good! Can I stay home? I don't want to go to Wal-Mart today, Mommy!"

"Roxas, you don't have a 'mommy'," Saïx said bluntly.

"Please can I stay home? Please?" Roxas's voice cracked rather unbecomingly for a fourteen-going-on-fifteen year old teen. "I don't want to go! Don't we usually go to Target, anyway?"

Xemnas's face clouded. "Those arrogant French communist Nazi bastards!" he roared, slamming his palms down on the arms of his chair. "They refused to let the Salvation Army stand outside their doors, those dirty frog bastards!" His golden eyes gleamed with fury.

"And we care because?" Xigbar raised an eyebrow.

"More importantly, is there even such a thing as a communist Nazi?" Vexen wondered aloud, stroking his chin.

"...What's a Nazi?" Demyx asked innocently.

"We care, Freeshooter, because usually either the Whirlwind Lancer or the Silent Hero dresses up and manages to secure quite a lot of munny from the unsuspecting humans," Xemnas said haughtily, regaining control after his sudden outburst.

They all paused and looked to Xaldin and Lexaeus. "Do they, now?" Larxene grinned, eyes sparkling malevolently. The two objects of her attention gulped and pressed back into their seats.

"What is wrong with Wal-Mart?" Zexion asked curiously, getting back on the question of why Roxas seemed to terrified of this Wal-Mart.

"The people... the people... the smiley faces!!" the youngest member of Organization XIII was literally foaming at the mouth as he writhed around on the floor.

"Smiley faces?" the Cloaked Schemer put his hood up, crossed his arms, and shrank back into his seat. "I hate smiley faces."

Roxas regained a measure of control and shakily stood. "Do you want to hear the tale of the creature that is... Wal-Mart?"

They leaned in closer.

"Do you really want to know?"

Hesitant nods. Even Marluxia was intrigued by what the Key of Destiny knew of this strange beast.

He put his hood up. "In the land of Wal-Mart," he started, ominously lowering his voice. "It is a world of blue. Blue signs, blue uniforms... all the employees look the same. Same unnaturally cheerful face, same way of saying 'may I help you?'," he looked down and paused. "When you become a Wal-Mart employee, you are going down a dark path, never to re-emerge into the land of the non-existent."

Roxas folded his arms and put his hands into the opposite sleeves. "They take you into the Back Room. The one labeled 'Employees Only'. Have you ever wondered what goes on in there that it's marked 'Employees Only'? What strange sights go on in that Back Room away from normal eyes?"

The Key of Destiny looked up sharply, the light throwing what little of his face could be seen through the hood into deep shadow, so all that could be seen was one bright eye. The members of the Organization involuntarily gasped and leaned back, then leaned forward to hear what he had to say- what horrible stories go on in the Back Room.

"They open a box of heavy-duty, white plastic sporks..." Roxas moved closer. "...and surgically remove your soul through your nose. They brainwash you until all you are is an empty shell; incapable of knowing what time of day it is, so you compromise by saying 'good morning' all day long. And you better hope you can speak fluent Mexican. You are unable to think for yourself, and you will work at Wal-Mart... for the rest of your non-existent life."

The overhead light flickered and went out; someone screamed in a very high-pitched, girly voice.

When the lights came back on, Marluxia looked at Demyx- obviously the source of the shriek. He was clutching his knees and rocking back and forth.

"Roxas, I'm going to have to ask you to stop," Xemnas said, opening his eyes and taking his hands away from his ears. "You are frightening the Melodious Nocturne."

Roxas pulled down his hood and stepped through a portal of darkness. He reappeared back in his seat, but couldn't resist having the final word. "Hey, Demyx, do you know what they do when they're finished restructuring your soul?"

Demyx shook his head, looking at the Key of Destiny wide-eyed.

"They put them back in the box and put it on the sale rack... for ninety-nine cents."

The Melodious Nocturne screamed in terror, and everyone reflexively jammed his fingers into his ears. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and covered his ears. "There's no such thing as soul-eating sporks, there's no such thing as soul-eating sporks," he repeated over and over, rocking back and forth.

"Roxas, that will be enough," Superior ordered.

The Key of Destiny air-fived Axel, then sat back and crossed his arms with a self-satisfied smirk.

"We don't really have to go to Wal-Mart, do we?" Marluxia looked pleadingly at the Superior. Not that he was scared. He just wanted to show proper discretion by knowing when to retreat, that's all.

"I'm afraid we do." Xemnas looked around the room. "Any further outbursts?" He ignored a shaking Demyx. "No? Good." He closed his Star Wars planner with a snap. "We leave in a hour. Please don't wear your raincoats."

-xXx-

"Do you all have your lists?"

They all nodded, looking down at the pieces of Darth Vader notebook paper Xemnas had handed out for them to write down the items they needed. The thirteen Nobodies stood outside in the sea commonly known as the Wal-Mart parking lot.

"We're going to split into teams and enter through separate doors so as not to attract attention." As Xemnas said this, Roxas couldn't hold back a smirk. Their esteemed leader was garbed all in white, with silvery sequins spelling out 'Superior' across the back of his shirt. "There will be three groups of four."

"I call Axel and Roxas!" Zexion announced abruptly.

Vexen turned, betrayed. "Why?"

"Because they are dressed the most normally." The Cloaked Schemer raised the one eyebrow that wasn't covered by his hair.

It was, sadly, quite true. The ridiculousness of the outfits the Nobodies had chosen in lieu of their raincoats didn't stop with Xemnas's Elvis-suit. Xigbar was wearing a pair of orange swim trunks with a long-sleeved shirt bearing the words 'born to surf' across the front. Xaldin was wearing a shirt that looked like he had stolen it from the Disney Store; it had 'Beauty and the Beast' across it in curly letters with a picture of the rose-in-a-jar. Vexen was wearing a blue lab coat, fuzzy bedroom slippers... and nothing else.

Lexaeus appeared normal at first glance... that is, until one looked at the name across the back of his football jersey and saw '#1 Puzzle Master'. Saïx had opted for a strict business suit- appropriate for Wall Street, but definitely not for Wal-Mart. His ice-blue tie matched his hair. Demyx was wearing an 'I (heart) my sitar' tee shirt. He was quite proud of it- it had once said 'mommy', but he had taken a black Sharpie and crossed it out, scrawling 'sitar' above it.

Luxord was also rather normally dressed in a pair of khaki pants and a sweater- if one ignored the fact that the sweater was garish orange-and-purple stripes. Marluxia had picked out a tropical flower print and plaid pants. The Hawaiian shirt clashed horribly with his pink hair. Larxene had chosen a pale yellow sundress and stiletto heels. The hem of the dress was caked with brownish-red stains that looked suspiciously like dried blood.

Roxas had found his outfit in Twilight Town, complete with matching checkered wristband and two rings- one black, one white. Axel was wearing a pair of jeans, a plain white tee shirt, and a black leather bomber jacket. Zexion had a black My Chemical Romance shirt with a dark pair of jeans covered in patches; two of were the Green Day heart/hand grenade and a Japanese flag with bold print saying 'Watch More Anime'.

"I want to go with Larxene. She's protect me from the sporks." Demyx edged closer to her and smiled hopefully.

"As if," she sniffed. "I'm going with Marluxia, Vexen, and Lexaeus."

"We are?" Marluxia looked to her.

"We are," she confirmed.

"Okay."

Axel laughed. "Man, she has got you totally whipped," he told Marluxia.

"Demyx, why don't you go with Axel?" Larxene smiled wickedly at the redhead. "Since he and Roxas know so much about these evil... spoon-forks... he'll protect you far better than I can."

"Okay!" Demyx, taking anything Larxene said as absolute law, bounced over to Roxas's group.

A sudden gust of brisk winter wind tore through the parking lot, ripping the lists out of their respective members' hands.

"I got them!" Roxas yelled, dashing after the errant scraps of paper.

"So that means I'm stuck with you... four?" Xaldin stopped and counted on his fingers. "Me, Xigbar, Saïx, Luxord... and you, Superior. That makes five in a group. We aren't supposed to have five."

"I'm going to brave Wal-Mart by myself," Xemnas announced.

Everyone gasped. "You... you don't have to do that, Superior," Saïx said, sounding almost concerned.

Roxas slammed face-first into a telephone pole in pursuit of a piece of paper, completely oblivious to Xemnas's statement.

"Yes. This is something I must do alone." Their leader raised their hand in farewell, backing into a portal of darkness and disappearing.

"Let us observe a moment of silence to pray for the protection of the Superior's soul," Xigbar said.

They all inclined their heads except for Roxas, who was still chasing Darth Vader across the parking lot and cursing far more colorfully and fluently than a Nobody his age should have the right to be.

The moment of silence lasted for all of five seconds. "So, can I be in charge now?" Marluxia asked.

-xXx-

Xemnas laughed from the top of a telephone pole as Roxas finally collected all twelve lists and distributed them to the remaining Nobodies. They split into their groups and headed across the parking lot toward each of the three separate 'in' doors. Here they all were, thinking he had bravely sacrificed himself by going into the jaws of the beast alone, when really he was heading back to the Castle That Never Was to watch Star Wars. He figured he had time to watch the whole series at least once before the others got back. Then maybe he'd watch some Monty Python.

His musings were disrupted when a toddler in a stroller suddenly caught a glimpse of him and squealed, pointing. The Superior quickly retreated into a portal of darkness. Wal-Mart may not scare him, but small human children did.

A/N: I hope that this was enjoyed, and will be updated as soon as I get the chance! (And the inspiration...) By the way, in case it was no clear, I played dress-up with Roxas and put him in his sexy Twilight Town clothes. :D By the way, if anyone has any ideas for them to play havoc in Wal-Mart, don't hesitant to suggest! Everyone will be given their due credit!

Please review? Vexen has scientifically proven that 4 out of 5 fanfiction authors update faster when prompted by reviews. He has also proven that every time someone reads without reviewing, Larxene replaces Marluxia's special shampoo with engine grease. Save Marly's hair, review!