Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran or Death Note…because if I did it would be as cracktastic as well, this fic….just blame Miyano Mamoru's sexy voice.
Spoilers and other inventive warnings: Basic plot of Death Note used…as long as you know the basics of Ouran, you're good. Severe OOCness, but it is explained and necessary. General crack. Also, a snaky Sci!OC is employed. You've been warned. Tamaki also causes my syntax to go crazy, as a note, so blame him for the constant subordination if the sentences, too…
Dedication: This goes out to hikagi because she was the first (and only) to have Kyouya's Death Note kill me and also to oviparou" because I owe her some crack. 3
Ungodly, inalterably, unforgivingly, unchangingly, somnolently, horribly, awfully, boring.
Humanity, aside from Valentine's Day and White Day (but even that was only in Japan) was incredibly, soporifically, dull and Eros – a high Cupid employed in the arts of love – had just about had it.
He might as well just become one of those tacky cherub lawn ornaments that romantically inclined old ladies in the Human World often possessed for all the work he got in the off-season. Who fell in love in the dead of winter? It was so cold that Eros himself was freezing his little golden halo off…so visions of romantic sleigh rides?
Maybe all the humans just fell in lust for the excess body heat because, as far as Eros himself knew, they weren't really known for their thick hides. Put them in snow and ice and they would whine your ears off…lovers?
What a joke.
They about amounted to a bunch of bickering people with red faces complaining of frostbite. Any other image of winter love was simply a marvel of commercialism.
And….the other cupids? Boring as sin….or perhaps, more properly, virtue. They just say around making doilies and molding chocolates. They were all so whipped by Venus it wasn't even vaguely funny.
But, as he stared down into the human world in an attempt to find something amusing, Eros noted something interesting on the other side of the rose colored glass. There was, to his surprise, a shining glare of Love.
And not just love, but….possibly polygamist love…and in one case, what appeared to be polyandrous love with hints of lesbian tendencies.
With a brief nod at two of his companions – who were making a disgustingly large heart shaped doily – he leapt through the crowd of roses and went down into the Human World only to find, to his increasing surprise, more roses.
Very, very, interesting.
Suou Tamaki had had a good day…no, in his own estimation, it had been an exquisite day.
Having just put away his costume away (today's theme had been Roman senators…he had been a Brutus! A Cato!). But, as the King of the Host Club, he had been the most lavishly dressed and so, with the exception of Kyouya, who was looking over the club's finances from the day, he had been the last to leave. However, finding the weather quite pleasing to his refined sense of aesthetics, he decided to take a tranquil stroll in the garden on the way to his car.
To his surprise, he happened upon a stray notebook. Possibly - from it's extravagant cover - one that belonged to one of his beautiful princesses. But, in picking it up, he found that it was richly bound in red leather and, although it was quite elegant, it was not something that even he would have considered practical for a student.
Curiously, upon the cover, the words "Love Note" were written in gold gilt.
The word "love" quickly stirred his romantic sensibilities and, again wondering if it was some deeply sentimental account of some blossoming maiden's pure emotions, Tamaki did what he considered to be a very ungentlemanly thing.
But, despite his reservations, he opened it.
On the inside cover was a winged heart with a crown….followed by a series of what appeared to be rules.
Surrounded by a border of blood red roses and written in the his own mother tongue, the language of love, was written:
"The humans whose names are paired on this note will fall in love."#
Any other boy would have been graced with at least a bit of skepticism at this…however, any one who had any degree of contact with Tamaki could assert that he was a true one-of-a-kind. No thoughts of some elaborate hoax had yet even remotely entered his mind to diminish his romantic sensibilities one iota. Rather, they merely encouraged him to read on.
"The note will not take effect unless the writer has the faces of the intended couple in mind when writing their names. Therefore people sharing the same names will not be affected."
To Tamaki's mind, despite the overwhelming images and scenarios bursting forth from his imagination, this seemed quite a logical stipulation. He continued reading, images of sparkles and rose petals dancing within his head.
"If a romantic scene is written within 40 seconds of writing the pair of names, it will happen. If a romantic scene is not specified, the person who is names first will simply give a confession and give his beloved a single red rose. After writing the romantic scene, further details of it should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds."
Something in Tamaki's brain finally indicated to him that the strange numbers and almost legal sounding syntax should alarm him amidst the scenes of romantic strolls on the beach that flitted through his brain. Before reading the final two rules, he decided that it was decidedly unfeminine.
"The writer cannot use the note in his own affairs of the heart."
He found himself a tad bit disappointed by this. However, his effervescent cheer never faded or dimmed even in the slightest. Brushing off his ephemeral disappointment like a mote – perhaps a particle…no,no….an atom – of dust, he read the last strange regulation.
"Affairs written in this note shall be constant, lovely, and from the deepest and truest spring of love that the humans whose names are written possess and shall remain unchanging and strong until the names are stricken with two parallel lines."
At this, amidst the splendor of the rose garden, the overzealous president of the Host Club exclaimed, "Why would anyone want any passionate and amorous love to fade and wither on the tender vine of sweet love?"
However, despite the fact that a tiny part of him (really, only a fraction of a percent) now wondered if it was merely an ill-mannered maidenly prank to arouse the promise of love with her notebook in her fellow classmates, Tamaki deposited the book in his school bag an continued towards where his limo and driver were waiting.
As he left, spying a couple also emerging from the rose garden hand in hand, he mumbled to himself, "Perhaps I will use this as a tool of divine love!"
Watching from behind a nearby rosebush, Eros was very pleased.
He couldn't have found a more shiny and love-struck fool than this fellow even if he tried.
Upon his entrance into Suou #2, Tamaki, with a hurried and quite possibly incoherent excuse to a perturbed Shima, rushed immediately into his room. For all his speed, he still thought that it was a breach of his gentlemanly nature and general good breeding to pry into the strange notebook any more than he already had…especially if it belonged to a fellow female classmate.
He imagined (a quite exaggerated version) of Haruhi's angry face at this thought.
However, somewhere during his documentation of the textures and qualities of Commoner sweets (his normal afternoon pastime), his boundless curiosity finally overcame his small amount of self-control.
He wanted to try it.
But, although in his mind love oozed from the pores of every object and every human being was attracted like a magnet to some predestined romantic partner – of course, Tamaki considered himself a very magnetic personality, indeed – he knew that in order to properly test it, he would have to both pick people which he could see and wouldn't under any normal circumstances – unless one counted heavy handed coercion at the hands of yakuza (and that was hardly love) – share any sort of romantic involvement.
After a moment of thought, he knew the perfect people to test it on.
And, being a generally Type-A personality, he felt the need to draw up a plan, complete with applicable diagrams and a bound manuscript, to be put in motion at the first possible time.
The Host Club opened as normal.
…Unless one asked Haruhi, who simply would have responded that it was never normal.
But, for the sake of the story, let's assume that her general grumblings went unheard, as usual. Indeed, Darjeeling tea was poured in Ginori tea cups and drunk by gossiping girls surrounded by the crème de la crème of class A.
In short, it was the perfect setting for Tamaki's plan to commence.
With one excuse or another, he managed to excuse himself from the adulation of his clients for a moment and went into the club's wardrobe room. Taking the notebook out of his chest of personal items – while scrounging around his hallowed portrait of the feminine Haruhi and his beloved Kuma-chan – and opening it, he simply wrote two names in his flamboyant script. He then cautiously tucked the notebook away and hurried back his activities to see if anything would happen.
As soon as he sat down, something rather odd – even by the standards of the Host Club – transpired.
Hunny stopped eating mid-cake and, much to the surprise of his customers, he plucked a rose from the table and walked confidently over to Kyouya. The Shadow King was in his normal position and, looking up from writing in his ledger, met Hunny's eyes when the third year stated, in a voice rather serious for his character's personality, "Kyou-chan."
Kyouya looked up at him with a look that also didn't quite match his character. His gaze, blocked behind the glinting of his glasses, remained absolutely and intensely steady as Hunny took his hand and dropped on his knees to kiss it, before holding the rose out gingerly.
At this truly odd display, all of the collected females in the room were completely and uncharacteristically dead silent. When could have heard a pin drop when Kyouya bowed formally and accepted the flower, his glasses glowing with a new light.
Renge, who found herself speechless for perhaps the first time in her life, managed to stammer out, "Ya…oi."
At that utterance the Third Music Room became a flaming inferno of feminine energy. And, in the wake of this explosion, for perhaps the first time, the other members of the Host Club were all equally shocked.
Even stoic Mori's mouth dropped in shock and he could only bleat out a halting, "M-m-m-m-m-mitsu…kuni"
Haruhi whispered, "Those two…?!?" and looked rather faint.
The Hitachiins both stood still as statutes and, for a moment, it appeared as if Tamaki would imitate them.
However, he realized what the display meant and, in abject disgust, retreated (to no one's surprise) into the wardrobe room and nearly ripped the notebook from its hiding place and with one great flourish, struck the names out.
Tamaki had no idea what Kyouya or anyone did to calm to storm that erupted from the customers, but he vowed that he would never use the power of the Love Note to spread love where it most definitely didn't belong.
However…Tamaki decided that he would find out where it did belong and become for those lucky individuals their own personal god of love.
Eros laughed uncontrollably at the chaos that the possessor of his Love Note wrought. He was more pleased than he could have thought possible.
Soon he would reveal himself to this overly romantic fellow.
Then things would really get started in earnest.
Fin of Part 1
Written in English to avoid scarring you with my pathetic French.
A/N: Tamaki is hands down the most difficult character to write…I loved this idea, but when I realized how much of it would involve me incorporating Tamaki thinking in a vaguely strategic sense…it was suddenly 10,000 times more difficult. The guy is cracktastically smart, but he doesn't have Light's cold sense of logic.
But, you were warned about the crack, and it gets even more cracktastic with your…yes your participation.
To be honest, unlike my usual fics, I have no clue (beyond next chapter) where this is going. But, as an experiment, I'm gonna take couple requests (not having to do with Tamaki unless they are really good)…I'm going to take the crackiest ones that interest me most…maybe about 5 or so…
Also, because we have so many lovely and talented writers here, I'm willing to allow guest chapters…so, if anyone wants to claim a particular coupling and write a segment, ask me (and I should give permission…) or if you want to do random plot developments, I'd probably be open to them if asked, as well.
I'm pretty much up for anything.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the random crack! Comments are very much appreciated!