Title: Character Bashing is Bad for Your Health
Author: desbutterfly
Genre: fandom mockery, humour
Pairings: none, pretty gen here
Rating: PG for language
Summary: A fan of Naruto's insults Sakura and Sasuke, and it turns out to be a really bad move on his part.

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"Oh my god…are you Naruto?"

The group of three stopped walking and Naruto casually removed his hands from behind his head and stuck them in his pockets, where he'd hidden a shuriken for easy access. Beside him, he could see Sakura doing the same and gave her an approving nod.

Usually, people looking for him weren't the kinds of people who had the best intentions, but this person didn't look very much like Akatsuki. Had he annoyed any of the villagers on this mission?

Kakashi kept on reading his book, and either he was confident that Naruto and Sakura could handle any threat, or he'd gotten to a really good part.

"Yeah," Naruto said, finally. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto, Konoha's most awesome ninja!"

There was a snort from Sakura's direction, but Naruto ignored that in favour of grinning widely at the now blushing villager.

"I love you!" the teenager blurted suddenly, wrapping Naruto in a hug. The blond jerked nervously and it took a few seconds to keep his fingers from twitching on the surface of the shuriken in his pocket.

'Definitely a civilian,' he thought to himself, cautiously returning the hug. 'No ninja would ever randomly hug another ninja they don't know. That's a good way to get yourself killed.'

But the stupid kid was already pulling back with a happy smile.

"You're so cool, Naruto," he said. "You'll definitely be Hokage some day, for sure!"

"Really? Hey thanks," Naruto said, tossing Sakura a triumphant look, which she completely missed, as she was busy looking the civilian over like she thought he had perhaps escaped from a mental ward.

Naruto sighed and then hooked an arm around her, pulling her forward.

"So, I'd like to you meet Sakura-chan. She's—"

"That bitch!" The kid was now scowling in Sakura's direction. He sniffed in distain and pointed an accusing finger at her. "You're always abusing Naruto-kun like you think you're better than he is."

Both Naruto and Sakura blinked in shock. Behind them, Kakashi went still, as if he was suddenly alert in a way he hadn't been before.

"Running around calling Sasuke-kun like he cares about you….What kind of slut goes after a traitor, anyway?"

Naruto muscles unfroze themselves and he pulled his hands out of his pockets to curl into fists. "What the hell did you just say?" he demanded.

But the kid was no longer listening. He was advancing on Sakura, still pointing that accusing finger. Naruto could see Sakura's arms twitch, like she wanted to punch but was holding herself back. One real punch from Sakura could kill.

"You're so pathetic, chasing after that emo trash who betrayed everyone when you could have had Naruto. He's so nice to you and you don't even appreciate it, you dumb bitch!"

In a second, Naruto had the kid pinned to the ground, a kunai held tightly to the neck, right on the carotid artery. His eyes were slit and reddened and the fingers that held the kunai were sporting abnormally long fingernails that stretched out like claws.

"Don't you dare talk about Sakura-chan and Sasuke that way!" he growled furiously.

"Naruto," Sakura hissed, looking around nervously. The villagers were crowding around them a bit, looking curious, but not as if they intended to help. Anyone stupid enough to piss off high ranking shinobi wasn't really going to be a contributing member to the village anyway.

"What?" Naruto snapped in reply. "This bastard called you names. And he insulted Sasuke! You punched Sai for doing that the last time we were together—"

"Yeah, but Sai's a ninja. If you punch this kid, you'll kill him!"

"So?" But he was already relaxing his hold, moving the kunai away with great reluctance.

"Besides which," Kakashi said, not looking up from his book, "if you kill him, that's a lot of paperwork for me. And the Hokage hates it when I do paperwork."

"Maybe that's because you don't actually fill out the forms with real words and doodle pictures of shuriken and dogs all over it instead," Sakura muttered.

"You think so?"

"Whatever," Naruto interrupted, standing up.

The kid was stilled lying stunned on the ground, gasping for breath. A small line of blood marked his neck and he put his fingers to it hesitantly. Naruto stood over him, scowling.

"I'm letting you off easy, 'cause you're not a ninja, otherwise I would have punched you right in your fat head and then cut your balls off," he said. "But don't ever say that stuff about my friends again, or I'll really do it. And I'll make it look like an accident so Kakashi-sensei doesn't have to do paperwork!"

"I wonder how you could make a crushed skull and a gelding look like an accident?" Kakashi mused quietly.

"Oh there are tons of ways. Tsunade-shishou told me that…" and then they were walking again, Sakura and Kakashi is a semi-serious conversation about the various ways to arrange the 'accidental' making of a eunuch.

Naruto stayed glaring down at the kid a few seconds longer, than he stepped over him like he was a bit of garbage in the road, hurrying to catch up to the rest of his team. The kid watched them go, a mystified look on his face.

Seeing that there was nothing more to see, the villagers went back to their business.

"Stupid kid," one of the merchants said, shaking his head and handing over an apple to the woman in front of him.

She nodded in agreement. "What kind of idiot do you have to be to insult a ninja's friends like that?"

Later, on the way out of the village, Naruto asked after the kid's name and memorized it.

When they got Sasuke back, he'd tell him exactly what this guy had said about him and Sakura-chan, and then they'd see about arranging all the 'accidents' that Kakashi and Sakura-chan could think of.

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fin.

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