So, since this has become super-popular over the last six years, I decided to do a wee bit of editing to it. Nothing substantial, just fixing grammar mistakes I made all the time when I was fourteen and a few phrasing issues. I'm glad so many people have enjoyed it.
Thanks always for reading!
"No, Squee! We can't take you to this parent-teacher night… thing," Todd's dad said. "Now go bother your mother."
"But daddy," the little boy pleaded. "I'm gonna get in HUGE trouble if my parent or legal guardian doesn't come!"
"Then go with the neighbor-guy," his dad said. "Pretend he's your legal guardian!"
"But daddy, he's all mean and crazy and psychotic and crazy and smells like dead people!"
"I'm not taking you, and that's that!" his dad shouted.
Todd looked like he was about to cry but just sighed and went next-door. He gulped and knocked lightly on the door. "Looks like no-one's home, Shmee! Let's go!" Then he remembered what Ms. Bitters said would happen if he didn't bring his parent or legal guardian, and he knocked again, much harder this time. A couple minutes later, the door opened and revealed a gangly man with a mop of cobalt hair and huge black eyes. His clothes were covered in a red substance Todd suspected to be another person's blood.
"Damn kids… I'll find them and-"
"Uhm… Scary-neighbor-man?" Johnny looked down and his face brightened.
"Oh, hello, Squee!" he said. "What do you want?"
"Uhm… My daddy said that I should ask you to take me to… to… to parent-teacher night!" He shook a little. Johnny raised his eyebrow.
"To parent-teacher night? Why doesn't he take you? He's your parent, after all."
"I dunno, he said he didn't want to take me."
Johnny seemed to think about this for a while, and finally replied, "Alright, Squee, I'll take you to parent-teacher night. But let me change first, these are soaked with blood.".
Ten minutes later, the duo was driving to the school. Silence echoed throughout the car. It was occasionally broken by Johnny muttering 'I have to get that guy', or 'Stupid pedestrians thinking they have the right of way' as he mowed down helpless people. The blood-splattered car pulled into the parking lot of the school.
"Pull through!" Johnny said cheerfully, parking in the spot. Todd got out of the car cautiously and led Johnny into the building and to the cafeteria.
Ms. Bitters spotted them and hovered over.
"You, are you Todd's father?"
"I'm his neighbor who his father asked to take him here." Johnny replied. Todd smacked his forehead.
"That's close enough. Todd refuses to become a zombie like the rest of the students! He refuses to believe the simplest information found in the text-books! He is constantly drawing little cartoons of… happy children! Remedy this!"
"I think it's good that he's using his own brain instead of letting others tell him what to think," Johnny said fiercely. "Better than having ideals and morals thrust at him by fools like you!" Ms. Bitters hissed.
"Another free-thinker, eh? I suppose you live in a run-down shack and are unemployed?"
"You got me pegged," Johnny said happily. "Quite honestly, I'd rather like to kill you."
Ms. Bitters laughed a very ugly laugh. "Now who's the fool? I'm immortal! I've survived countless things that I wouldn't be able to if I wasn't immortal! You moron, you couldn't kill me if you tried!"
Johnny pulled out a knife.
"This can't be legal," Todd muttered. Ms. Bitters hissed again.
"That will be of little use against me."
"Let me tell you a little secret," Johnny said. "I can't die, either. Something always stops it."
"What always stops it?"
"I dunno, but something does." Johnny replied. "Can't get arrested, either." Todd gulped.
"Scary-neighbor-man? Please don't kill Ms. Bitters."
"Why shouldn't I?" Johnny asked, frowning.
"Cuz what if the next teacher is even worse 'n her?" Johnny rolled this over in his mind.
"I suppose," Johnny replied. "You got lucky, hag." Ms. Bitters growled at him and floated off.
"Thanks," Todd said. Johnny looked down at him. His expression was unreadable. "Is something wrong?"
To Todd's surprise, Johnny began smiling, and it wasn't a scary smile, either. It was the first genuine smile Todd had ever seen Johnny wear. "No, nothing is wrong. Something's going good, actually. I'm gonna go get some punch, do you want some?" Todd shook his head. Johnny walked over to the table. Todd wondered what it was that was going right for Johnny.
An hour later, Johnny was driving Todd home, the smile still on his face. He was driving responsibly, stopping at red lights and stop signs and for people crossing the street.
"Is something wrong, Squee?" He asked suddenly. Todd looked at him in surprise.
"You've been awfully quiet tonight- you didn't even talk to your friend. I'm just a little concerned."
"No, nothing's wrong. I was just trying to figure out what put you in such a good mood."
Johnny smiled bigger. "You."
"That's right, you." Johnny said. "You're a good kid, Squee, and smart. Most kids wouldn't think about whether or not the next teacher would be worst... or would stop me from killing her." He was positively beaming at Squee by now. "I'm just really glad you aren't like me."
Todd looked at him for a minute then smiled. He opened his mouth to say something—what, he wasn't quite sure—then shouted, "NNY, THE ROAD!"
Johnny swerved back into his lane. "Thanks, Squee."
Todd grinned and Johnny dropped him off at his house with a, 'see ya later!'
Todd went to bed that night unafraid.