Chapter Seven: Zuko Is a Pansy and Ruins My Plan
The Fire Nation capital was actually a really pleasant place. Lots of restaurants and pretty girls. Great wine. Really great wine. Of course, I had to tote my stupid pregnant wife around everywhere, so I didn't have nearly as much fun as I could have. To keep up the pregnancy illusion, I forced Zuko to get over his eating disorder and gain a couple pounds. I also made him keep a small cushion stuffed under his dress at all times. He said that it made his abs sweaty and I told him to get over it. He's just way too weird when it comes to his abs. Seriously.
Then some stuff happened that's not really worth mentioning. Martha kept asking when we were going to take down Ozai and I had to spout off several thousand patience proverbs. Plans to topple empires can't be rushed, you know. They must be executed at very precise moments. Precise moments such as moments when I feel like it. Did I mention how great the wine was?
So yeah, we were having an awesome time. Fantastic. And then the disowners show up. Aang and Toph and my sister. They just pop up out of nowhere and immediately start yelling at me. Yelling obscenities, I might add. It was rude to the point of being distressing. I tried to communicate to them that fact that I don't respond well to strong language, and they didn't listen, unless listening constitutes calling me an insane son of a bitch. I know. It's awful.
And I was also drunk. Unfortunately. Even more unfortunately, so was Zuko. And Martha. We were all blind stinking drunk. Ozai kept sending "Yun" free wine so what were we going to do? Look at them? Surround the bottles with flower arrangements? Hell no.
So the memory is kind of hazy, but I think the conversation went something like this.
Katara: SOKKA! WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN YOU MORON? WHY DIDN'T YOU WAIT AT MARTHA'S?!
Toph: Oh my god. Look. It's Martha. She's here too.
Aang: Come on Katara, calm down... I mean... at least he's alive...
Me: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!! Aaang!! Kaataraa!!!! Torp!!! I mean... Torf... Tiffany... Toph!!!!
Katara: Sokka. You have ten seconds before I move. I suggest you run.
Toph: Wow he's really drunk.
Zuko: Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hi Katara! Hi!
Toph: My GOD. He's... pregnant...
Me: I can explain lolz.
Toph: It means laughing out loud. I'm not sure what the "z" is for.
Zuko: I'm not really pregnant. I'm not transsexual either. I'm straight! Okay Katara? Okay?
Katara: Uhh... okay..
Soon after that Zuko changed out of his dress. The pansy.
I tried to talk him out of it.
"Think, Zuko, think. Use your mind. What if someone recognizes you? I'll tell you what. Execution. Do you want to be executed?"
He threw the dress into the fireplace. "I had a dream last night."
I coughed. "Oh?"
"It was sort of a flashback kind of thing. One where your hand is fiddling around over my drinking glass."
I coughed again. "Is that so?"
"I wonder what that means."
I sneezed. "I'll just go in the other room now."
I then made one of my trademark quick, smooth, handsome exits and decided it was time to revise the master plan again.