Disclaimer: I don't own anything but those poor words...
Summary: Catherine finds out Sara is somehow involved in her daughter's life, she chains up bad moves, Lindsey runs away, Chaos sets in... C/S
AN: Hi everyone, here is my first fic ever. It's slash Cath/Sara, so if you don't like it, don't read. I'd like to apologise for my spelling and grammar mistakes but english isn't my native language (Sorry...I'm french). Reviews are welcome - positives and negatives. Thanks for reading, I hope you'll enjoy it (hopefully it won't be as bad as the summary...)
And from Chaos shall come out Creation…
Chapter 1 : Sara
Sometimes I just hate my job. Seeing what human beings are able to do just disgust me. So much that sometimes I'm so ashamed to be human.
Today I nailed a guy who was having fun humiliating people and then killing them. He would undress them, tie their hands in their back and force to act like they were nothing but dogs. Then when he wouldn't be entertained anymore he would simply kill them. But in a slow, painful way so he could watch the fear, the hurt pass through their eyes. When I asked him why he did all those things his answer was "because I could".
Because he could. That's it. He ruined twelve lives of peoples he didn't even know, twelve peoples that he had chosen randomly just to pass the time! Isn't it beautiful folks? I tell you, I'm bored today so let's kill some people to have fun! Where's the humanity in all this? How can those things happen in civilized countries? How? I just don't get it…
I was so mad that I went to the gymnasium in order to punch a bag just as hard as I could. So I won't keep anger or disgust for human beings inside.
Then I thought about all the things that make it worth. My friends, my job – no matter what I say, it worth it cause we can give the victims and their families the peace that they deserve.
And then I thought about her. About how alive she makes me feel. She doesn't know it but she makes me feel alive, she challenges me, she impresses me with her personality, sometimes she irritates me – well, most of the time but… anyway, her beauty just leaves me weak, and the feelings that are raging inside me because of her just remind me how very alive I am. Love is a too tiny word to begin to describe what I feel for her.
Too bad she hates me, I guess.
I also thought about that long lost friendship that I miss so much with him, that friendship that would have kept me grounded a little more. But then I stopped thinking about it because it only brought me pain and made me depressed.
I decide a while ago that it was time to move on and let the past rest where it is, in the past.
I try to focus on the forensic magazine I'm reading, try to pretend I didn't just hear my name.
Well obviously I have to face it. I turn around to look at this man. The one who used to broke my heart with few words. The one I used to love, or so I thought. Now he's looking at me like he's expecting something, if I only knew what…
"You wanted something?" I ask him.
"I just wanted to know if you were ok" he answered.
There was a time where I would have been touched with his concern. But that time is over and now I just feel like he's checking up on me just because he feels like he has to. Since my DUI and since I told him about my past he feels like he has to protect me. It just makes me mad because I'm not a poor little girl in distress who needs a knight in shinning armour. I gave him many chances to be the one who would appease my fears or just be there next to me to affront a day. He refused the post, for many reasons that I can understand at some point. But the fact is that he refused. He even crashed our friendship to preserve himself in spite of the price to pay for it – which was me suffering for his own safety. Now I have moved on, so I just can't stand when he oversteps the boss/employee relationship limits to try to fit a part in my life.
"Well I'm fine thank you" I smile to him, thinking that maybe he'll leave me alone soon.
"Are you sure, I know the case we just closed shook you up…anyway you know that I'm here for you if you need to talk or anything"
"I know Griss and I appreciate it, but like I said I'm fine" and that's no lie I am fine.
Now he looks nervous like he has some bad news or like he knew that whatever he was about to say wouldn't please me.
"Shift is over in ten minutes and…"
"I know and I won't do any overtime don't worry" I cut him off.
"Well actually I was about to say something else… I was wandering if you would have a breakfast with me" he blurts out so quickly that I feel like my ears are playing tricks on me. But the look on his face tells me that I've heard him well. God I can't believe him! And he was right I don't like what I hear, in fact I'm mad at him, but I'm kind enough not to show it.
"Oh" I'm trying to win time before blowing him off with diplomacy. "Well, I don't think it would be a good idea so… no"
"I know I have made mistakes in the past and even if I'd like to repair those, I can't. To be honest I miss our friendship…"And here I thought that he couldn't hurt me anymore, I was wrong obviously.
"Grissom…" I start.
"Sara, I acknowledge my mistakes and my responsibility for our strained relationship over those last years, and I am sincere when I say that I miss our friendship. I'm asking you one last chance to be the friend I used to be. And you have my word that I won't fail you again and if I do, I guarantee you that I will offer no resistance when you kill me."
I can't help but smile at this, it's like my best friend was coming home after a long trip. I look into his eyes and I know that despite the hurt he feels for being condemned to only be my friend and nothing more, there is a genuine desire to make everything right again. The desire to move on, and if I'm reluctant to give him that chance, I have to be honest with myself I miss my old friend.
"You do realise that your death will be very painful and that no one will be able to solve it, right?" I ask him with a serious face.
"I know" he says with a fake terrified look
"This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day you canst not be false to any man." I quote Shakespeare, and I can see in his eyes that he his surprised and a little scared as to what the truth will be. Because it's now that I give him the second chance he's asking me or shut him out of my life forever and we both know it.
"I miss our friendship too" I finally say. I can see relief passing through him. And for the first time since I don't know when he gives me a genuine smile. And I smile back because it feels good to put everything in order again.
"So breakfast it is" he says, he looks happy like he just received a new tarantula.
"Yup" even if I'm glad to be back to normal so to speak I'm willing to take baby steps in this new friendship so I say "We should propose Greg and Sofia because it's been a long night"
I can see that he understands the reasons behind my request, so he accepts without complaining. "You said it"
So here we are at a diner, having fun – yes I said fun, talking about funny cases, about movies and everything that cross our mind. We laugh so much when Greg's speaking about the job, that I think we're all about to wet our pants. I'm really feeling good, like I was having breakfast with my family. And then it hit me. Three members of this family are missing. So complete and yet so empty, that's how this picture feels.
We're about to get ready to leave when my cell phone rings.
"Hey Sara, it's Cake". the voice said.
I smile immediately as I recognize the voice on the other end. It feels so good to hear that voice that has come to mean so much to me.
"Hey how are you doing? Wait a sec, hold on."
I put some bills on the table and we start to leave the diner. I give my goodbye to my friends and colleagues and direct myself to my car.
"You're still there?" I ask.
"Sure thing". she answers.
"Sorry about that…So how are you doing?" I ask again. Now that I'm sitting in my car I can focus entirely on our conversation.
"Well not really good but it's okay I guess" I can hear in her voice that she's holding back something but I never push her so she always come to me when she's ready. "What about you?" she asks to put the topic at rest for now.
"I'm fine actually. Hey Cake, do you want to go to the library today so we can see each other, talk and have fun?" I ask enthusiastically.
"I'd really love to but mom won't let me leave my donjon. She is such a pain lately".
"Cake we already talked about it didn't we?" I warn.
"Yeah I know, I know sorry, it's just that lately everything goes the wrong way." I think she's about to cry and somewhere it worries me.
It's my cue give her an exit and fast before she starts doing things that will get her in trouble again. Before we started to chat on the internet, she had a day like that, a 'not really good but ok' day. Since we didn't find time to talk she hitchhiked out of frustration. So now I always find a way for her to speak to me.
"Look, I'm on my way home, I think I'll be there in fifteen minutes, so why don't you connect yourself so we can chat a while?"
"It'd be great, but I know you've just finished working so if you're tired I'll understand, so if you need to…" she's a little more enthusiast already.
"Hey what did I told you, anytime you need me I'm here for you no matter what" I cut her off. And so far I kept my word.
"Yes I know, thank you" she says.
"You more than welcome. Ok so give me twenty minutes and I'll be back at you. Bye Linds"
"Ok bye Sara" and with that, I hang up and start to drive to my place.
It's funny how things evolve. Lindsey and I have become close friends. Actually I think she's one of my closest friends in spite of her age. But she is very mature for a twelve year old – almost thirteen – girl. And we really have good talks together, and good times. Too bad we can't see each other much, mostly because Catherine doesn't know about this. For my defence I would just say that she hates me and I'm sure that she doesn't want me anywhere near her let alone her daughter, and seeing how worse our relationship has become, I'm pretty sure that if she knew she would flay me alive.
Then Linds has always called me on the back of her mom so to speak. At the beginning she didn't tell her because she was talking about her father's death and she thought Catherine would be upset. I remember the first call, it was during Eddie's case, I had gave her my numbers and told her that she could call me anytime for anything.
After a few months she has started to call me now and then. Then she always called me whenever she had a fight with Catherine and then she called me whenever she wanted some comfort when her mother wasn't around. I think it's been eight months now since she's been calling me on regular basis, since we've started to interact on regular basis.
She always ended the conversation asking me not to tell her mom, after a while it went without saying so I respect her wish since we weren't doing anything wrong. And as the time past by she never told her mother, we talked about it and somewhere I think she want to keep our friendship apart from her mother because it's something special for her, a sort of exit from her family, I respect that. And I told her that if she wanted to tell her mother that was fine with me, but I think that she's in a time of her life where she needs something unrelated with her family, some kind of secret garden.
Also since calling was a bit difficult when she was grounded I gave her my e-mail, so we could chat and even my address if she wanted to write to me when she was on holidays or when she couldn't speak of what bothered her.
I arrived home fifteen minutes after the call. I took time to change clothes into something more comfortable. I've turned my computer on.
Now here I am chatting with Linds about everything and nothing, mostly about how things are at school. Right now she's telling me about the boys on her class, as for myself I'm preparing the ground for a more delicate topic: math.
Babycake: I can't believe how much boys are stupid!
Blackprint: lol… tell me about it!
Babycake, I don't know why that nickname. I called her that way over the phone during our very first conversation, and with time it stuck. Most of the time I would call her Cake though. That's our thing; I know I'm the only one to call her that way. It's one of the precious things of her friendship.
Babycake: well I'm glad to be a girl!
Blackprint: yeah girls rule!
Ok, time for business has come. Here goes nothing.
Blackprint: by the way how did your math test go?
I've just killed the mood I can feel it, just as I can feel that the answer won't please me.
Blackprint: Cake, tell me you did work on it…
Babycake: well I could, but… I won't because the key word of our friendship is honesty….
Blackprint: you do realise that I'm as far from happy as one could be right now…
Babycake: yeah I know but it was too hard and I couldn't understand half of it…I guess I just keep on disappointing people lately
I berate myself for making her feel guilty. Sometimes it's hard to be her friend, because sometimes I almost feel like her mother. As an example, I always try not to remind her how important school is, because she knows it well. But the fact is that even if we're friend I'm an adult and as such I have to act like it. I mean I know that I can influence her and that she could take me as a reference, so I have to show her the right way, I guess.
Blackprint: I'm not disappointed, just not happy…we already talked about it, you should have asked me to help you with your math instead of dropping it. I told you once and tell you again I am here.
Babycake: I know, I'm sorry
Blackprint: there's nothing to be sorry for…but you know that as your friend I have to tell you what's right and what's not. No hard feelings?
Babycake: yeah don't worry.
Blackprint: cool : )….But just so you know we're going to do all the maths together this week. I'll take a day off for it.
Babycake: Great I'm ecstatic : (
Blackprint: yeah I have no doubts about it ; )
Ok, the first problem has been solved. That's what I like about our friendship, it's based on honesty, trust, and it's sane and fun. One of our habits is meeting at the library, there I would spend some time with her helping her with her homework, and I would open her mind to literature. Then we would talk more and more until her aunt came to take her home. I would spend some more time at the library before going home, looking for a good book to make her discover. I cherish those times because their relaxing and really entertaining.
Now the second problem is however something else.
Blackprint: ok so now that it's fixed, tell me how you're doing.
Babycake: I don't know… not so good. Mom hates me, I miss my dad and school bores me.
Blackprint: school can be boring sometimes but it can be fun and you know it. Look at us we're having fun while doing your homework aren't we?
Babycake: fair point.
For a moment she doesn't say anything, I wonder if she's gone or not.
Blackprint: You want to talk about your father?
I won't lie, this is not my favorite topic, but this is not about me and if she wants to talk about it, as a friend I owe her to listen.
Babycake: Not really... besides there's not much to say... I just miss him a lot.
Blackprint: I know it's hard, believe me I do. If you need anything just say so.
Babycake: yeah I know...The hardest part is with my mom, I feel like she hates me...
Blackprint: now your mother doesn't hate you and you know it. She can be really tough sometimes but she certainly doesn't hate you.
I might not have the greatest relationship with Catherine but there's one thing I'm sure of is that she loves her daughter more than her own life or her job for that matter. Hell she nearly strangled the pink-haired lady who had left Lindsey in the car that was sinking!
I can understand Lindsey's teenage angst, and her difficulties to communicate with her mother. But I have to keep on reminding her that what she has is a gift and that her mother do loves her.
Babycake: sometimes I doubt it and I have good reasons to do so. First she's never around or almost and when she is it's only to tell me how much my behaviour disappoints her, or just to screamed at me for stupid things. She's always angry for a thing or another. I know that sometimes I don't act well, but that's because I found it was the only way for her to notice me. Sometimes it's just like I was invisible…
Blackprint: Did you try to tell her that?
Babycake: yeah! She barely pays attention to me let alone listens to me. She doesn't have time for anything but her precious job.
Ouch. That's hard. Teenage angst, indeed. Well let's try to pass the storm…
Blackprint: I think you have trouble to communicate, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you. I know that sometimes it's hard to express what you feel but you have to give it a try. And most of all, you have to try to stay cool. And maybe when you don't scream at each other you will be able to talk and get along. It will take a little time but it worth it.
Babycake: you might be right.
Blackprint: she loves you no matter what happens, no matter what she says or does, she will always love you. And that's what you have to keep in mind. So try to tell her how you feel, it'll help.
Babycake: all right I will
One thing I am proud of is that Lindsey always keeps her word, also when she says that she will try I have no doubt that she will. We never lie to each other no matter what the truth is, that's the rule number one of our relationship. Now if I can get her to accept the promise then we will start to see the sun again.
Babycake: you set me up!
Blackprint: me? Never ; p…so what do you say?
Indeed I did, in so far as I put it as an opened question and not a statement. I know it was an evil trick. She just can't deny me, just as I can't deny her.
Babycake: yeah promise.
Babycake: I'll get you back for this though…
Blackprint: ooooh I'm scared… :D
Well we aren't out of the forest yet with that topic but at least we're moving. I did my part now, all that is left for me is to expect things to go for the best and not the worst.
Babycake: Sorry but I've got to go, lunch's ready.
Blackprint: ok, I'll let you know for the library.
Babycake: I almost forgot…almost
Blackprint: good thing I have a memory
Babycake: thank you, for everything.
Blackprint: no problem, keep me posted.
Babycake: sure thing. Bye and take care.
Blackprint: you too Cake. ; )
And with that we leave each other. As for me I'm so tired that I'm going to have a long bath and then I'll head to my bed. What I like about my friendship with Lindsey, it's the fact that it always remind me that's there are things that worth it in spite of everything.