The Epilogue at last!!!


Vimes sat back in his chair, content with himself. His little trick had worked, and Lady Eleanor had come to him and confessed everything she knew about her husband. How he had her lover killed, looking as an attempt on his life, and tried to put the blame on their King. And then how he tried to get rid of Vimes, so that the Watch would shift their full attention to another case. And finally how he threatened to kill her, so that she wouldn't even think of opening her mouth. But with Detritus and Sally as her personal bodyguards, Lord Outrepasse would have to gather an army to get through to her.

Vimes lit a cigar and looked at Angua and Carrot, who were standing a few feet away from him. It was really a devilish plan, Vimes mused. But now he would pay for it. All they had to do, was to lure him out of the Embassy to arrest him. But how?

There was a light knock on the door. "Come in!" Vimes said. Drumknott opened the door, but hesitated to enter the office after he took a look at the people inside. "Yes, come in Drumknott, we don't have all day!" the Commander growled.

Drumknott quickly went up to Vimes, and handed him an envelope. "His Lordship requires that you read this immediately your grace, and that by no means are you to leave it on your desk first." he announced formally, but looked ready to fly, should the Commander get insulted and leap at him. Vimes only raised his eyebrows in a Vetinari fashion, but opened the envelope nevertheless, revealing a letter written in the Patrician's tiny and careful handwriting.

Your Grace,

You a kindly requested to escort Lord

Outrepasse from the Embassy to the Palace yourself, along with a guard of your choice. You are to arrive at the Palace at 14.00. Lord Outrepasse is expected in the Oblong office to discuss the matters of international trade. No harm is to come to him before that.

You are also requested to compile a confession form for Lord Outrepasse, which you will bring with you to the Oblong Office as well.

H. Vetinari,

Patrician of Ankh-Morpork

Vimes smiled. That was the chance he was waiting for.


Lord Outrepasse and his escort, Vimes, Carrot, Angua and a number of Watchmen, arrived at the Palace at two o'clock and at the Patrician's waiting room five minutes later. Drumknott immediately announced their arrival to Vetinari.

"Lord Outrepasse, sir Samuel, his Lordship will see you now." the head clerk said and showed the way to the office.

The Patrician put on a smile upon their entrance. "Lord Outrepasse, what a pleasure to finally meet you! Please take a seat." Vetinari said and pointed at one of the chairs across his desk.

Outrepasse gave a small bow and sat down. "I assure you Lord Vetinari, the pleasure and honor in meeting you, is all mine."

Vimes looked at the two smiling men confused. "Are the two of you going to sit here and exchange compliments like two old lady friends?" He turned to Vetinari and roared in exasperation "This man is a treacherous killing snake, are you actually planning to talk with him on trade?"

Vetinari raised his eyebrows, but it was Outrepasse who spoke. "And why would you accuse me in such an unfair manner Commander? I demand an immediate explanation!"

"Shut up you filth!" Vimes yelled. "Your wife confessed, and I am arresting you this very minute!"

The ambassador smiled. "You are all too ignorant Commander. Diplomatic immunity. You cannot arrest me unless I confess. And I will do no such thing, considering the fact that I'm innocent of your absurd charges."

Vimes looked at Vetinari, perplexed. The Patrician finally spoke. "Do excuse the manners of the Commander sir Jean. It is not one of his strong points." he said meekly. "Vimes, give me the papers I requested and wait outside." His voice didn't tolerate any doubt, and Vimes quietly did as ordered.


The Commander was pacing nervously just outside the door. The two of them had been in the Oblong Office for twenty minutes now, and all he could hear was a faint trail of the Patrician's calm and monotonous voice coming from inside, but not loud enough for him to distinguish any words. The voice suddenly stopped, and a small bell rang. Drumknott gently pushed Vimes aside and entered the office, and then beckoned to the Commander to come inside too.

Vimes went inside to see the two men sitting in the positions he had left them. There was a barely noticeable smile on his strict face. Vimes moved to see the face of Outrepasse, only to witness his expression of ultimate shock and horror. He stood motionless, his eyes revealing endless terror, as if he had just drunk a whole bottle of Klatchian, special extra strong coffee.

The man seemed oblivious to his surroundings. "Is he alive?" Vimes finally asked.

Vetinari answered with mock surprise at the statement "Why shouldn't he be? We were just talking after all."

"And what the hell did you tell him?" Vimes asked again, while waving a hand in front of the ambassador's face, who didn't even blink.

"Well mainly about international politics." the Patrician answered nonchalantly. "And then I explained to him an ancient agatean method of torture I once read in a book. He looked interested in the beginning, but then he had a rather bad reaction as you can see. As if I would ever do something like that. Well, at least he managed to sign the papers before that."

Not even a torture including a half naked Corporal Nobbs doing a belly dance could do that to a man, Vimes mused. He stopped waving his hand, and looked at the Patrician. "Papers?" he asked. "I only brought you one paper sir."

"Why, of course your grace. But he also signed the new trade agreement. One in which there are reduced taxes to the morporkian products that are sold in Quirm, but normal taxes for the quirmian products that are sold in Ankh-Morpork."

"But the king of Quirm would never accept such a treaty!" Vimes questioned.

Vetinari smiled again. "Let us just say that it is a gift to express his appreciation to the fact that we will deliver his main political opponent chain-bound, with the charge of murder."

Vimes' face went blank. "You had planned the whole thing!!!" he shouted in surprise.

"Not at all Commander" Vetinari said seriously. "He planned the assassination; I merely took advantage of it for the benefit of the city. Now, if you would please escort Lord Outrepasse to the Palace dungeons and appoint a guard, I will arrange for him to be extradited to Quirm as soon as possible. That would be all."

Vimes only nodded in response, too shocked for words to escape his mouth. He felt like a pawn in a chess game, even though he had been acting in what he thought was his free will all along. He lifted the shocked prisoner and silently left the Oblong Office.

Vetinari sat back in his straight chair once the door had closed behind the Duke. He bridged his fingers and smiled. Another successful day for Ankh-Morpork... he mused.


Hurray!!! It's finished!!! I hope you liked the end, I tried hard to write it!!!

I had promised that I would finally reveal the reason why this is called PATO in the end.

But first things first, I would like to thank everyone who read it, and even more everyone who supported my writing through reviews and other comments!!! I would not be able to finish this without you pushing me! You all know who you are, and you are all deeply appreciated! You all know how much a good review is worth. Thank you again you lovely people!

But more than anyone else, I would like to thank Sanny for her beta, her feedback and mainly for her friendship and never ending support. THANK YOU!!!

So, finally, why is this story called PATO? Well, it could be something like Police Against Threatening Objects, but that's not even close. So let me tell you a true story about myself...

A couple of months ago, myself and various other students, were shooting a short film (I hope you don't expect to see a trailer...) in which I was (how unexpected) the bad guy. In one of the scenes, I was supposed to murder someone with a knife-however instead of a trick knife, I was given a very long, very real, very sharp meat knife and was told to act the murder. The shootings were at 22.00 on a Sunday night, and I had only returned from a 3-day trip abroad at 21.40, and I was extremely weary. Moreover, it had rained that night and the ground where we were shooting was very slippery. Every little detail so nicely combined... So here is what happened:

My "victim" ran franticaly in my direction-myself being invisible in the shadows (I was pretending to be Just when he is inside my reach, he turns to see my menacing face and he knows of his impending doom. His whole life passes in a moment before his eyes as I reach out my left hand to grab him... At which point he slips on the wet cobblestones and falls on my knife-holding right hand. It was only good luck that he fell on the hilt, it was only bad luck that with the other side I stabbed my leg...

Well, you'd say, accidents happen, don't they? Three days later, and while my leg was still bleedingwe decided to shoot the scene again (with a trick knife this time...). I really don't know how it happened, but I managed to break my left thumb in the process-and I wasn't even doing anything dangerous...

I would prefer to relate these incidents to the fact that I'm rather accident prone, but Sanny insisted that I am clumsy (I wonder where she got that idea...) And she-being Spanish-decided to call me clumsy, and that's what pato means in spanish... Well, actually it means duck, and patoso means clumsy, but 'eres un pato' has the same effect...

So, now you know... And if you're still wondering what this has to do with the story, I thought of it, and started writing it while waiting for long hours in the hospital... 'Nothing bad comes without something good' as the ancient Greeks used to say...

Well, I think this is it!!! Thank you again for reading this!!! Please review and tell me what you think of the end!!! I only got two reviews for the last chapter, and I was very unhappy... ::pouting-and failing miserably to look adorable-damn, I was so good at that 20 years ago...:: Anyway, many thanks to Big Cat and Cutie Akane for these 2 reviews...

Go on, press the Go button!

Yours, BTK