Disclaimer: No, I don't own the turtles or Splinter or New York or any other idea in this story other than the plot. If I did... I would be very rich and I would go meet Mr. Laird and Mr. Eastman myself instead of writing fanfiction based on their AMAZING characters.
Note: I realize it's been a while since i've submitted anything on...well, anything, so here's a little one-shot just to prove I'm still alive. My first and very rare attempt at comedy. Also, BIG thanks to MH and pac for the beta! You rock! Enjoy!
"Raph?" A meek voice called out from behind a doorway. All it received in reply was a muffled groan. "Raphy?" Mikey had been trying to get his brother out of bed for five minutes now, gradually getting louder with each annoyed groan from his miniature hotheaded brother.
Mikey stuck his head through his brother's bedroom door. He couldn't believe Raph had turned in so early, usually he'd be up playing with him… or beating on him, either way. "Raaaaaaaaaaph?"
"Go 'way." Came the tired reply. Raph yawned and rolled over onto his plastron on his hammock, arms and legs swinging down over the sides.
Mikey pouted and stepped into the room. "Raaaaaaaaphy?"
The next answer was nothing more than an annoying whine. "RAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaaph…"
A tiny growl emerged from the back of his throat. "Mikey, go awa-OOF!"
Mikey launched himself on top of his brother with a shout. Both screamed as the hammock swung out of control. The ropes twisted themselves around the two turtles and flipped them over repeatedly before throwing them both on the cold floor with a hard thump.
"Grrrraarrrgh! MIKEY!" Raph tackled his brother and flipped him over onto his shell. He held his arms pinned to his sides and gritted his teeth in his brother's face. "Whaddya want?!"
Mikey simply grinned at Raph. "Did I wake you?"
"Yer dead turtle meat if you don't tell me WHY IN THE SHELL—"
"Leo and Donnie found something!"
Raph blinked and cocked an eye ridge. "So?"
"Sooooo, dontcha wanna see it?"
"No." Came the short reply. Raph rolled off his brother, stood up and brushed his hands off.
"Awwwww." Mikey pushed himself off the floor and displayed the most pathetic look he could muster. "Why nooooot?"
"Because, it ain't nothin' cool anyway."
"How do you know?"
Raph crossed his arms. "Because Leo and Donnie found it. Leo only likes books and trainin' and Donnie plays with that broken stuff."
"But he fixes all the toys!"
"Nu uh, he only fixed that one toy car."
Mikey shrugged. "Suit yourself, bro. Donnie thinks it's some sort of measuring cup, but I think it's a food launcher! If you wanna play come on out!" With that, Mikey ran back out to the living room with his brothers, leaving Raph standing there with a puzzled expression on his face.
"A food launcher?" With a blink, Raph walked out into the living room and over to his three brothers, who were all curiously looking down at the object on the floor at the center of their huddle.
Don scratched his chin. "I still say it's a measuring cup."
"It doesn't even look like a cup, Donnie. It's a food launcher I tell you! A FOOD LAUNCHER!"
Leo crossed his arms and eyed the object. "Maybe they're kneepads… or maybe elbow pads."
"Then why are they stuck together? Wouldn't you trip if you were on your knees?"
Leo nodded. "Yeah, but maybe they're for playing. Umm… you could slide across the floor on them."
"Awesome! Kinda like an amusement park ride!"
"What's like an amusement park ride?" Raph stepped into the circle and looked down at the object in question. He cocked his head and eyed it curiously.
Mikey tapped Raph on the shoulder. "What do you think it is Raphy?"
"Don't call me Raphy. And I know what it is"
Leo, Don and Mikey all looked at him curiously as they waited for an answer. Raph smiled; it wasn't often that he had the answer and Leo and Don didn't. He closed his eyes and grinned widely. "It's a slingshot!"
"Oooohhhhhh…" Mikey said in awe.
"It's not a slingshot." Don corrected.
"Whaddya mean, brainiac? It's got straps and," Raph picked the object off the floor, grasped the two straps in each hand and pulled on them "it's stretchy! It would make a good snap."
Don took a hold of one of the straps. "Hmmm… it is elastic, but I'm sure there's a much better use for it. Here, watch." Don took the object and held both straps in one hand. He then picked up a toy and put it inside the two, what Leo thought were, kneepads and dangled the object and the toy in front of everyone. "It's a bag! We can use it to carry stuff!"
"Coolio! Or we can do this!" Mikey snatched the object from his brother's grip and allowed the toy to fall to the floor. "Hmmm…" He raced into the kitchen and pulled two chairs back into the living room.
Leo eyed Mikey warily. "What are you doing?"
With an excited grin, Mikey chuckled. "You'll see!" He placed both chairs side by side and looped each strap around an arm of each chair, letting the object dangle between them. He then ran back into the kitchen and ran back out with a cupcake.
Don scratched his head. "What's the cupcake for?"
"You'll see!" Mikey grinned again and put the cupcake in the middle of the two pads. He then pulled back as hard as he could and watched the elastic straps stretch, taking aim at his brothers.
Now a bit nervous, Leo and Don called out at the same moment. "Mikey?"
"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" Mikey released the object and watched with glee as the cupcake soared through the air, straight for his brothers.
With a simultaneous yell, Leo and Don jumped out of the way, leaving only poor Raph in the crossfire. He watched in stunned silence as the cupcake slammed into his beak and splattered across his face, temporarily blinding him.
Mikey was instantly rolling on the floor laughing and Leo and Don were already backing away from their victimized brother.
Raph growled and wiped the frosting off his face with one hand, tossing the remnants on the floor. He used his bandanna tails to wipe the residue away and stomped over to his rolling brother. "Or it's used fer this…" Raph snatched the object away from the chairs, stretched it out, held onto the straps with his thumbs, then let the back one go, allowing it to snap into Mikey's arm.
"OOOOWWWW!" Mikey jumped on his haunches and began rubbing the spot that was already turning red.
Raph laughed and twirled the object around his finger. "See? What'd I tell ya? Slingshot!"
"Maybe… maybe not." Leo slid the object off of Raph's finger and walked to the other side of the room. "Watch and learn guys."
Raph, Don and Mikey all stood back and watched their brother in interest and anticipation.
Leo placed the object on the ground, took a few steps backwards and ran up to it. Once he was nearly on top of it, he jumped down and let both knees rest on the pads as he slid swiftly across the floor. Once he slowly came to a stop, he stood up and smiled.
The three observant turtles clapped in response and echoed in chorus. "Cool! Let me try!"
Leo laughed, closed his eyes and smiled as his brothers ran up to him, each jumping around for a turn on the new toy. Mikey was the first to grab for it and take it away. "Maybe it's a hat too!" He placed the toy on top of his head and let both pads cover his ear holes on each side of his head. With a pose, he blew a kiss. "How do I look?" He said with a wink.
Leo and Raph were crouched on the ground as they laughed and Don was clutching his stomach, giggling so hard he could barely talk. "You look like Princess Leia from Star Wars!"
"Hehehehe!" Mikey giggled and took the object off his head, then glanced at the back. "Hey, there's some metal hooks back here."
Leo and Raph each stood back up and got on either side of Mikey. Don took up the rear and took the object from Mikey to inspect it. "You're right. Maybe it's for electronics."
Raph crossed his arms. "Ya think everything has somethin' ta do with electronics."
Don stuck his tongue out at Raph, hooked the hook and loops together on the back, and then unhooked them. "Maybe it's clothing."
"But," Leo pointed at it, "where does it go? That doesn't look like a shirt I've ever seen."
"I don't know. Maybe… hey, Raph, come here."
Raph held his hands up in defense nervously. "Why me?! I don't wanna be a science experiment!"
"Just hold still." Don took the object and wrapped it around Raph's plastron. "Slip your arms in those straps."
Raph complied curiously. "This thing feels weird."
Mikey peered around to Raph's shell. "Hey, it's got little metal thingies on the straps."
Don hooked the hook and loops together on the back of their new toy and looked at the straps. "They probably adjust it." He pulled on the clasps until the straps fit snug against Raph's shoulders. "There, how does that feel?"
Raph moved his shoulders around. "Weird."
Leo eyed the two pads that were now on front of Raph's plastron. "They stick out awfully far. I didn't notice that when I was sliding on them." He poked one of the pads. "It's awfully plush and squishy."
"Hmmm." Raph looked down at the two lumps that were now on his plastron. "This thing is funky. It's got a lotta padding too. I didn't even feel that. Poke it again."
Leo did so and this time with both hands. "Maybe they're not kneepads." He grabbed a hold of each of the pads and pushed on them. "They sure are nice and soft though."
Raph laughed. "This would make some cool battle armor."
Don was still staring at the back of the object. "Fascinating. I'm going to put it on another hook." He then unhooked the object and started stretching it to another clasp.
"Dude, this thing is awesome. Let me feel!" Mikey took hold of one of the pads and squeezed it. "Ooooooh, it is soft and squishy! I like it!"
Each was so involved in trying to discover the many uses for their new toy that no one even heard Master Splinter come out of his room.
"My sons, I have finished my meditation for the evening and we may resume practice when…" Splinter stopped dead in his tracks and viewed the sight before him. His mouth dropped open slightly and his ears were at full attention. This was every father's nightmare. His son was in a bra… and his other sons were playing with it!
The sight was too much. The turtles looked over at him innocently, but there was nothing innocent about the scene. There Raphael was, in a beige bra. Leonardo was on the left with a hand on one cup, and Michelangelo on the right, his hand on the other cup. Donatello was behind Raphael, and it was clear that he was in the process of unhooking and hooking the bra. "M-my sons…what…how…what are you doing?"
Leo smiled. "Isn't it great sensei?!"
Mikey also smiled. "Leo and Don found this really neat toy!"
Don grinned from earhole to earhole. "It can do all sorts of nifty stuff!"
Raph grinned and chuckled. "And it's pretty comfy too!"
Splinter was at a complete loss for words. How does a father handle a situation like this? Surely his sons… how would he explain something like this? He took a deep breath and rested both paws on his walking stick. "My sons, are you aware of what this is?"
Mikey bounced. "It's a lot of different things, sensei! Wanna try it on?!"
"No!" Splinter held up a paw and backed away uneasily. When he saw the confused faces of his four sons look back at him, he took another deep breath, put his paw back on his cane and walked over to them. "My sons, where did you find such an item?"
Leo stepped up. "Donnie and I found it in the sewers, sensei." When he noticed his father staring at the object, his eyes grew wide and watery as his mouth puckered into a concerned frown. "Did we do something bad?"
Splinter chuckled and shook his head. "No my son, it isn't bad… per say. The object you and your brother obtained is called a… a…" How was he supposed to do this? "It is an object that females wear."
"See!" Don jumped and tapped Raph's shoulder. "I told you guys it was clothing!"
"But what kind? Leo's right, it don't look like no shirt." Raph gazed down at the bulges.
"It is… not a shirt, my son. It is," Splinter swallowed and absently rubbed the fur on his neck, "called a bra." When he received four confused looks, he reluctantly went into more detail. "I have not discussed with you yet the differences between male and female… or… um… what humans call, 'the birds and the bees.'
Raph cocked his head and eyed his father. "But what do birds and bees gotta do with a bra?"
Splinter eyed Raph uneasily. "I suppose you are old enough but… first of all, would you mind taking that off, Raphael?"
Splinter watched as his sons helped Raphael get the bra off and sighed inwardly. "I thought my sons going into battle would be the most frightening experience of my life. Now…" Splinter watched as each son took a place on the floor. Lining up from left to right: Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael and Donatello. He watched nervously as Michelangelo continued to finger the bra and inspect it curiously. "…now, I'm not so sure."