Author Notes: Hahah… What do I say? I say… I don't really know what to say. I suck, I'm lazy, and oh, my god, it's been a year. I know you probably don't really care about this story anymore, but, hey. Turns out I do. So yeah.
I finally did it, Vanity! Happy smappy birthday for exactly one month ago.
Warnings: boyxboy, swearing, and some weird-ass English.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Chapter 10: The living dead
(Soundtrack: I'm too sexy - Right Said Fred)
I'm a sexy guy. I really am. It sounds really up stuck when I say it like that, but it really is true. Seriously. I'm blond, and have a great smile, beautiful tanned skin and a sexy hot body. I understand it if people want me. I understand it when Sasuke wants me. I mean, come on. I'm every girl's wet dream. Or guy's. Whatever. The point is, Sasuke wanting me is understandable. I understand him. Yeah.
The next couple of days were weird. One thing was the villagers screaming at me when I walked down the street ("Demons never die!", " He's come back to destroy us!" and my personal favourite: "Fucking hell! We just can't get rid of him, can we?"), but the thing that really was weird was my friends. They had all, in some way, forgiven me, but forgiving is not forgetting and forgetting is not forgiving, so it was weird.
But not necessarily a bad weird. After all that shit, everyone was very careful not to hurt each other, and I was very careful not to hurt anyone, and it was kinda nice. Everyone was nice to each other. Laughs and smiles and crappy jokes and, in Sakura's case, a wee little bit touching (1). As in physical touching. Just a hand on an arm or some ruffling of some hair, but nice.
Everything was strangely nice. Which really makes me wonder how big of a genius I really am. I found a great way of getting people to be nice to each other. All it needed was a dead clone named Harry.
If you put my strangely nice friends aside, there was a strangely quiet dad-like-figure who acted really weird. He's never been the big talker, you know, not one of those who talk way too much and way too loud as if he's the centre of the room when everybody knows the centre is me, but still, when he took me out for ramen the third day after I stopped being Harry Uzumaki 2 (the frog), the only words he said for the first thirty minutes was "yeah", "ok" and "mm". I'm not even sure if the last word is an actual word.
The taste of ramen had never been better. Kiba says that after eating nasty bugs, everything would taste of heaven, and that might be, but nothing but ramen would taste like God himself.
That sounded awfully perverted.
I tried the best I could to talk normally with Iruka. It went to hell.
"So, I'm thinking, if I could make clones like that again, it'd be super-cool! I mean, Harry Uzumaki 3 would probably be as strong as me! How 'bout that?" Iruka nodded, and tried to smile, but it really just turned out as a grimace. It gave me the strangest desire to lick him, so it'd be ok again.
So I did. I turned towards him and licked him on the arm. Iruka looked really confused.
"Being a frog for a while really gets to you," I said, with a grin on my face. It's true, though. Seriously. I still want to lick people. Especially when they're sad. Or if I'm angry with them. Sasuke abuses this a lot.
Iruka broke into a smile. A real smile. And then he started laughing. Not for a long time, or very loud, but he laughed. It made me feel good.
"Naruto, you are the weirdest son I've ever had."
I played shocked. "Am I not the only one?"
He laughed again, and I grinned again. And we ate ramen. I pushed him on the Kakashi-thing, and he pushed me on the Sasuke, and I pulled out my really cool and informative sign (the one I made when I apologized to people), and hanged it around my neck. I had fastened it to a thread the day before, when Kiba wouldn't stop bothering me.
Iruka and me had a fairly good time. Awkward of course, but I didn't expect it to be otherwise. And when we said goodbye to each other, Iruka gave me a hug. And from Iruka, that means something.
So when I went home that day, I was singing again. On another one of those songs everyone knows, half of the population hates and the other loves. I was singing I'm Too Sexy. Because, really, I am. And on the way I started dancing too. Like, really dancing. In an I'm Too Sexy way. Because, really, I am.
As I was dancing and singing and stripping and jumping down the street, I couldn't really notice anything around me. A sexy man does not need to notice, as long as he's noticed. I live by that. While I was at the "New York and Japaaaaan!"-part, I danced right into someone.
"Would you stop that, idiot?" And of course it had to be him. That's just the way it is. I swear, I think he was stalking me.
I think he still is.
Anyway. He smirked at me, that annoying "I'm-better-than-you"-smirk (not the other one), and put his hands in his pockets. "You're scaring the villagers." And I was. They were all looking at me as if I had a demon sealed inside of me or something. Which I have. But, whatever. That's not really the point.
"Shut up, bastard! I sing very prettily, for your information!"
He raised an eyebrow at me. I tried to kick his leg. He just simply moved it, and I fell. Bastard.
And then I realized I had a secret weapon. My sex appeal.
It was muddy that day, 'cause it had rained the day before, which means that I got muddy when falling down. A muddy blond gorgeous genius is probably one of the sexiest things in the world. Honestly. I moaned. "Sasuke! I'm all muddy now!" I pouted, opened my jumpsuit and took it off. "The only thing not muddy on me now is my T-shirt!"
I fell back down. Intentionally, of course.
"Now my T-shirt is muddy too. I have mud all over." I pouted even more cutely than I had before, and took off my T-shirt as well. Sasuke looked awfully sceptical. Great. That meant that he didn't know whether I was doing it on purpose or not.
"I have mud on my stomach too. Would you look, Sasuke? All the way down there! All the way down to my pants." I pointed at my stomach for good effect. He glared at me, with a hint of a blush on his cheeks.
"Would you stop it?" He sort of spit it out. I laughed. I got to him. I am so good.
"Why? Am I giving you a hard-on in the middle of the street?"
Sometimes, I just don't get the bastard. He is so irrational. I was just teasing, come on. He didn't have to take it so seriously. But he did.
He pushed be up against the wall and snarled at me. I sort of wished I could snarl like that. It's really scary, and it shuts most people up.
"Listen, idiot. Yes. You are giving me a hard-on in the middle of the street. I do want to push you up against something and do you when you do shit like that." He was talking in to my ear. I shuddered.
"You're making me feel really, really small. I'm your best friend. And you should stop playing with me. Especially after all that shit you just put me through. It's really pissing me off."
And then he left. Just like that. As if he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Acting all high and mighty. Bastard. Leaving me alone there making me look like the bad guy! I mean, come on! What did I do? I just got some mud on my stomach, goddamnit. Getting pissed over some mud is just… irrational! Yeah.
I walked home, all muddy and pissed off. I wasn't singing anymore. I was mumbling. Angry rants about a certain asshole being a jerk and not being able to take a joke.
"It was just mud… Asshole being so… pricky. Shithead."
And poof, Kakashi was standing in front of me. He smiled that freaky smile of his and lifted one eyebrow. Or maybe both. It could be both. It probably is. Anyway.
"Is your boyfriend treating you bad, Naruto?" I tried to kick the ass, and he laughed. I opened my mouth to speak, but he interrupted me. "I know, I know. He's not your boyfriend, right?" I nodded firmly, finally someone got it! Kakashi leaned closer and whispered. I hate it when people whisper. It's like they pretend what they're saying is really important and totally true and all, and its really annoying.
"If he's not you boyfriend, and you don't feel that way about him… how come after him whispering a couple of words in your ear you turned hard?"
The perv looked down at my crotch. And goddamn, the fucker was right. How could I not have noticed? I mean, come on! You notice it when you get a hard-on in the middle of the fucking street! You notice it when you get a hard-on everywhere! Whenever! And here I've been walking down the street with a hard dick, muttering Sasuke's name, and not noticing! God, it was embarrassing.
I still say he tricked me. Put a jutsu on me or something. I mean, I said something about him going hard over me in the street, and then I go hard over him in the street right after saying that. It's not a coincidence. It's not.
And I'm gonna learn that jutsu. It could probably be smart to know.
I kicked Kakashi really, really hard, and ran home, thinking about Gai in a thong the entire way. And for your record, that helps. Every time. In case you should need it sometime.
When I got home, I slammed the door beside me, closed all the curtains and locked myself in the bathroom.
Not doing what you think I did, perverts. No, I did nothing perverted. I did something much better and smarter than that. I panicked.
"What the fuck? What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck, WHAT THE FUCK?!"
A neighbour yelled at me to shut up, and I yelled back.
"SHUT UP; BITCH! I'm currently having sexuality problems here!" Then I hit my head on the wall, really hard, and it really hurt, and I remember laughing hysterically while ripping out my own hair and shaking all over and then I think I passed out.
When I woke up again on the bathroom floor I was really confused. Not because of what happened with Sasuke and all, cause I couldn't really remember that at that time, but, well, because I woke up on the bathroom floor. I don't usually wake up there. My head hurt, and some of my beautiful blond hair was lying on the floor next to me and I couldn't really figure out what the fuck had happened. Then someone knocked on my door and I didn't have to think about it anymore and I was actually really grateful for that. My head was already hurting, and if I had to think as well… I don't really want to think about it.
"Naruto? You in there? Let me in, will ya?"
I heard a growl from the other side of my front door and figured it was Kiba. I opened the door. He entered with a smirk on his face. I tried to close the door before he got in. His damn dog interfered.
Kiba walked into my home as if he'd been doing it every day of his life. He sat down on my couch, and smirked some more.
"The prick got you horny today, eyh?"
Boom, and it hit me. What had happened. A very manly shriek escaped my lips before I could stop it, and Kiba laughed.
"So it's actually true. Everyone's talking about it." He made himself comfy, and I think I might have mouthed "fucking Kakashi" 'cause he raised his hand and said "Now, now. Don't blame your sensei. You were walking around with a hard-on. Stuff like that don't go on unnoticed."
I don't blush. Ever. It's not a cool and sophisticated thing to do, and we all know I'm both of those things. I don't blush. But I think I might have done so right then.
"I…" I choked on my own word. "It was just a bit of mud, goddamn!" Kiba looked confused. I pointed to my stomach. "Bastard was making fun of me, so I used my sex appeal, and I don't know, all of a sudden he was angry and said that I should stop playing with him and that I make him feel small and that made me feel like an ass, but he was still whispering in my ear and I felt his breath on me and I don't know!" I huffed and calmed myself down. "It was just… a bit… of mud." I mumbled as I sat down on the couch.
"You do know that you're so totally in love with that guy, right?" Kiba was serious now. I put my head in my hands.
I wasn't really sure anymore.
Fucking asshole prick.
So yes. That was that for this time. I know it's not much, I know it's not that good, but at least I updated and I have every intention on finishing this fic. Goddamn.