A/N: I know you are all wanting me to post a new chapter of my other stories, but this just popped into my head one day while reading something of Kinsfire's over at FanFicAuthors. This is my first HUMOR story, and as such there is going to be a LOT of OOC-ness. This is just for fun, so don't tale it TOO seriously.
Needless to say, you will all probably recognize where I received the "list" from, and I fully recognize that the list is not mine.
Heck, the disclaimer is not even mine, but stolen and slightly modified from Ishtar's story Family Values, also on FFA.
IMPORTANT! "The Evil Overlord List" can be found by searching using Google, or by checking out my profile, and is rather funny for someone of my warped mind. Also there will be MANY shift's in viewpoint, and if it is too confusing, I will go back and include whose viewpoint it is, just let me know in a review.
Peace and Out,
Pwn Master Paladin
DISCLAIMER: (plural: disclaimers)
-One who disclaims, disowns, or renounces
-(Law): A denial, disavowal, or renunciation, as of a title, claim, interest, estate, or trust; relinquishment or waiver of an interest or estate
-A public disavowal, as of pretensions, claims, opinions, and the like.
-A statement that I don't own anything related to Harry Potter or The Evil Overlord List
Harry Potter and the Rise of the Evil Overlord
By: Pwn Master Paladin
Dumbledore didn't know where he had went wrong. After the events at the Department of Mysteries, Harry had grown more and more angry. He had distanced himself from the Headmaster, had trained endlessly, and even defeated Voldemort.
That wasn't the problem.
The problem was that instead of going on to become the next leader of the Light, Harry had replaced Voldemort as a Dark Lord. To top that off, over half of the Order of the Phoenix, not to mention all of Harry's Defense Association, had went with him. With The Weasley's, Miss Granger, Miss Lovegood, Mr. Longbottom, not to mention all the others at his side, he and his "Legions of Terror" had become an unstoppable force.
It was time to start fighting back.
Kingsley Shackelbolt stepped into the room, walking under a disillusionment charm. Unfortunately for him, he had not realized that the door he had just passed under had rendered said charm useless.
"Hello Shack, long time no see."
Kingsley turned around to discover Potter, along with his entire group of trusted lieutenants, with wands pointed at him. "I don't suppose you would be willing to let me go?"
Granger laughed out loud at that, as the rest chuckled, never once removing their wands from his person. "That's a no, in case you were wondering."
"Fine. But before you kill me, can you at least tell me what this was all about?"
"Avada Kedavra!"A whoosh of air, along with the deadly green curse, came flying at him from Potter's wand. Just before it hit, Potter looked him in the eye and said, "No."
Harry and his group of advisors sat around a table, his latest plans laid out before him. In retaliation to Dumbledore's attempted assassination, Harry planned to raid the Ministry of it's Time Turners, in order to ensure no one got the idea to go back in time to stop him before he gained power, since attacking him now was highly difficult. Fred and George spoke up, laying out their part of the plan. "With this shield we designed, 50 of the Ministry's strongest Aurors could blast at a single point, and not overload it."
"But what if they blasted at several different points?"
The group turned to their smallest member, seeing her confused expression. "What do you mean, Jessica?"
"What happens if they all fire at a different point? Wouldn't the shield not have enough time to divert energy and collapse?"
The twins looked at themselves, before staring at the plans, their faces quickly changing to dumb-founded ones. "Bloody hell, she's right!"
Harry smirked, before laying his hand on top of Jessica's head, ruffling it playfully. "And that, gentlemen, is why we should always have a five year old at our meetings, especially if the five year old is Hermione Granger's daughter."
Dumbledore was starting to be worried. Not only had Kingsley been killed, Harry had taken all of the all the Ministries time travel devices, the schematics, spells, and potions needed in their creation, and had killed all of those that had enough knowledge to make more. It seemed that if Harry were to be defeated, it would be in the present, not the past.
Time to try reasoning with Harry.
Albus wrote out a detailed letter, explaining WHY everything Harry was doing was wrong, why Dumbledore did not blame Harry, rather he blamed himself, and that if he would only come back, Dumbledore would work to see that Harry was not punished.
Harry took the note from the owl, knowing from the handwriting that it was Dumbledore. As he read the letter, he started smiling, then chuckling, then full blown laughing.
"Something funny, Harry?" Remus looked over from his plans to raid Diagon Alley at his laughing commander.
"I would say that Moony, it's like the old man is using THAT item as well, and intentionally giving me ways to follow it!"
"Oh?" Instead of answering, Harry handed the letter over, and soon was joined in laughing by not only Remus, but the rest of his lieutenants as they came in to see what all the commotion was about.
"Bloody hell. I needed that. And how should we respond to our dear Headmaster?"
Luna looked at the letter for a minute, before turning to Harry. "I think number 92, Harry."
Harry looked at Luna for a minute, before his face got a decidedly evil smirk. "Ok, 92 it is."
The next day, Dumbledore received a short note, but it's contents filled him with great joy. It seemed that young Harry had read his letter, and rather than taunt Dumbledore, actually thought about what the letter said.
You letter, rather than irritate me, has inspired me to see the futility of my evil ways. I cannot promise I can change overnight, this world has left me too jaded for that, but, if you allow me a few months of quiet contemplation, with no attempts on my life or any of my followers, I shall probably return to the Light. Allow me three months.
Dumbledore immediately called in the remaining members of the Order, and called off the planned raid. Using his influence at the Ministry, he convinced Fudge to call off the Aurors for a three month period.
Three months later, Harry's Legions of Terror attacked the Ministry, completely and utterly devastating the Aurors and Unspeakables, leaving nothing behind but a burnt out building, and a message to Dumbledore. He message was simple, and contained five words, not including the greetings and the signature.
I like the Dark better.
Dark Lord Potter
Harry sat at the head of his table, presiding over his latest meeting. "This campaign has been relatively easy so far, due in large part to planning. I haven't actually had to put forth a lot of effort yet. But this, on the other hand, I will need to at least make a token appearance. The only concern I have, is that Dumbledore will be there. If he is, I might actually have some difficulty."
One of the newest recruits, an ex-Death Eater who had decided to join after having seen the terror Harry inspired, spoke up. "My Lord, he is but one man, what can he do?"
Harry smiled, looked to the man as he spoke. "This. Avada Kedavra!"
As the body fell to the floor, Hermione turned towards Ron. "There goes another recruit. That brings it to…20 Galleons you owe me?"
"I told you I'll pay at the end of the month. Don't keep reminding me. And it's 18, we decided that Draco and Lucius didn't count because of the maid outfits."
Dumbledore worked tirelessly to find where Harry had his latest base. Reaching into his desk, he pulled the scrying stone of Ravenclaw. The stone only had enough power left for ONE use, and the enchantments to make another had been lost to time long ago. He had hoped to keep it for a later date, but it seemed, that he had no choice.
Laying out a map of the world, he set the stone to hunting for Harry. It zoned in on Europe, and the map changed to be of just Europe. It picked out Scotland, and the map changed again, giving a detailed map that included all magical residences. It went to a small country town, and the map changed again. Finally, it landed on a small area, and the map did not change, meaning that the final area had been located. In big, black letters, the word's Godric's Hollow stared back at him.
Time to take the fight to Harry.
As the Order and the few Aurors that had escaped the Ministry Massacre entered the inner sanctum, they found nothing, but a note from Harry. With no one present, and the anti-apparation still up, Harry must have taken down the anti-Portkey wards and escaped that way.
Dumbledore scanned the note for any traps or curses, before picking it up, and beginning to read.
I must say that you did a good job of tracing me to this location. And since it was under fidelius, I can only assume that you used Ravenclaw's gem to find me. Too bad that it's last use was in vain. By the time you read this, I will be at my new base, with my trusted lieutenants at my side.
Dark Lord Potter
Dumbledore looked up, and turned to the curse-breaker he had brought along. "Can you cast a spell to track the location of a Portkey? If you can, I can set another Portkey to follow it. We still have a chance of catching Harry if we hurry."
The curse-breaker nodded, before pulling out his wand and casting a complicated charm. A line of red magic appeared, leading out through the roof. Dumbledore used the letter Harry had left, changing it into a Portkey and setting it to follow the last one used. When they had all gotten hold of the letter, he activated it.
When the group landed, they found themselves sitting not in a secret base, but in Grimmauld Place, laying on top of a very strong smelling pile of Dungbombs. Dumbledore stood up, and with a few Scourgify spells, was back to normal. Only then did he notice the letter that was sitting on the table. He picked it up, and as he read, let out a small sigh as he realized he had been tricked again.
As this note was spelled only to appear to you after you cast a spell to trace my Portkey and had used some of your own to follow me, you should realize that I have sent you on a wild goose chase. You followed the trail of the last Portkey to be used, but I had spelled that piece of rubbish to go off as you came into the room. I have escaped now by a combination of Magic and Muggle means, which means you now have no way to find me.
Better luck next time.
Dark Lord Potter
Mad-Eye Moody sat behind the cell bars, watching and waiting for his chance. If the guard went to sleep, then he could take off his peg leg and take the second wand he had hidden there. The guards eyes fell closed a little more, before he suddenly stood up and pulled out a Muggle lighter. He threw a small amount of Floo Powder on it before speaking. "Guard station"
Moody watched, and was surprised when another voiced came from the Zippo.
"Guard station here, who is this and what do you need?"
"This is Boot, I thought I could make it but last night's planning session lasted longer than I thought it would. I'm having trouble staying awake, and I need a replacement for the rest of my shift."
"Alright, we'll send someone down shortly. In the mean time, keep talking to keep yourself awake and keep an eye on the prisoner."
Moody watched as Boot kept talking, never letting his eyes stray from Moody, before Longbottom walked in. "Alright there Terry?"
"Hey Neville. I thought I would be able to make it, but I'm just too tired mate."
"No problem, that's why we always have extra guards. Go back and get some rest, I can watch Moody for the rest of the time until Harry needs him."
"Right then." Moody felt himself give a begrudging approval to the system Potter had set up. Even if it was for the Dark side, at least he practiced CONSTANT VIGILANCE.
A few hours later, Potter himself walked into the room. "Evening Moody, ready to spill the secrets to Dumbledore's defense?"
"Go to hell, Potter."
"Now, you see, I had a feeling you would say that, so I had Fred and George put one of their new inventions to the test. For the past hour you have been breathing in a vapor form of Veritaserum." Potter pulled his wand, and cast a spell Moody didn't recognize. With as little room to move as he had, there was no way to dodge. "Now, what is something you wouldn't normally answer?"
"Where I keep my second wand."
"Where do you keep your second wand?"
"My peg leg."
"Good…" And so it went. Moody heard himself give every answer that Potter wanted, before he was released. "Thanks Moody, see you in hell."
"Don't I get a last request Potter?"
Harry paused in mid-motion, before continuing to pull his wand. "No."
"Well, before you kill me, good job. You may be a dark bastard, but at least you learned you lessons."
"Thanks Moody, couldn't have done it without you. Avada Kedavra!"
Harry and Dumbledore faced off in the Great Hall at Hogwarts. Harry had attacked a few weeks after he had gotten the numbers of Dumbledore's forces from Moody. With a group of some of the best fighters the magical world had ever seen, and all the Dark and Light creatures that the Ministry had trampled on over the years, they quickly gained a upper hand. Still, Dumbledore had spelled the area that they were fighting in so that no one could enter or leave until he either took down the spell or was killed. It was just him, Harry, and the unconscious/dead bodies now.
"You could always end this Harry. Think of all that you have done, all the pain you caused. Doesn't that bother you at all?"
"Not a bit, old man." Harry rushed forward, surprising Dumbledore with a fast string of curses. A strong Protego shield saved him from the spells, but the head-butt that Harry gave to him after his advance was not stopped. Dumbledore reeled, slightly dizzy from the hit, and lost his wand. He dropped to his knees, before gaining enough focus back to look up…
at the wand pointed at him by his former student, his own held tightly in Harry's other hand.
Harry was about to cast the Killing Curse, when Dumbledore's eyes widened in shock and he yelled out, "Harry, behind you!"
Harry, rather than ignoring the warning, or completely turning his back on the old man, stepped to the side, just in time for the hex thrown by one of the formerly knocked out men that Dumbledore had sealed inside of the shield with them to strike Dumbledore instead of Harry. Harry quickly used Dumbledore's wand to kill the other, a cutting hex to the throat, before turning his attention to the aging Headmaster still on the floor.
"Thanks old man. Avada Kedavra!"
With that, the last of the Light fell to Harry and his Legions of Terror.
Their was much rejoicing that night at Hogwarts, the new Headquarters for Harry's rule. That didn't mean that the guards slacked off, far from it, but once they went off duty, it was time to party. In the antechamber off the Great Hall, Harry and his core group sat eating a quieter meal, before Harry stood up and raised a glass.
"While I may be the ruler now, I could not have gotten here without you all, especially Hermione."
Hermione blushed a little as the group all raised their glasses to her, before she spoke up. "I didn't do that much Harry."
Ron almost chocked on his drink, before looking at Hermione. "Not that much!? Bloody hell woman, I think finding THE single item that was the key to our whole success was a lot more that that!"
"Indeed Hermione. THAT item now rests in my Gringotts vault, inaccessible to all but me, and it was the key to our success. So once again. Here's to you."
In a vault at Gringotts, a small stack of paper sat hidden beneath a stack of Galleons. It was a numbered list, on the top of which was a title. That title read:
The Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
A/N Mark 2: So, how was it. Too confusing, or funny? Let me know, as this is my first time going for something PURELY for humor. For those that are interested, I have used, in numerical order, numbers 5, 7, 12, 41, 46, a modified 92, a modified 126, 172, and 178 from the above mentioned list. However, if you want to know which ones were which, go look up the list.
Peace and Out,
Pwn Master Paladin