A/N: I own neither the "users guide" idea, nor Gawain (but if you have a unit going spare then I promise to look after it).
THE USERS GUIDE AND MANUAL FOR
Copyright BrightKnights Ltd.
Daisy May, Chief Technical Advisor
You are now the proud owner of a Gawain unit! In order to obtain maximum enjoyment from your scruffy, leonine, yet strangely cuddly knight, please be sure to follow the instructions below.
MANUFACTURERS: Samartian Knights Ltd.
HEIGHT: 1.80 metres.
WEIGHT: 165 lbs.
LENGTH: Data available upon request.
COLOUR: Blond hair, blue eyes.
The Gawain unit will be shipped to you as soon as possible. Once you have received your unit, please make sure that the following is correct. The unit should be dressed in a genuine leather hauberk with pretty brass accents, snugly fitting trousers and sturdy boots. Do not worry if your GAWAIN also comes complete with a variety of foliage and/or wildlife tangled in it's hair - you can spend many satisfying hours removing the aforesaid leaves, twigs and squirrels from it's tawny locks.
Your GAWAIN unit also comes complete with a variety of sharp pointy objects. These should be removed as soon as possible if you are in a committed relationship. While it may be exciting and rather sexy, BrightKnights Ltd. Accepts no responsibility for the death or maiming of significant others when the unit is engaged in get-your-hands-off-my woman-mode.
Note: Due to the uncommonly high rate of "accidental" yet irreparable damage caused to the SERVING WENCH unit that previously came as part of the GAWAIN unit's accessory pack, we have replaced it with an authentic silver tankard with 100 olde worlde authenticity ™ instead.
Your GAWAIN is designed to be friendly and efficient. Please address him in English or Samartian, and be sure to speak slowly and clearly. Aside from being a formidable bodyguard, a splendid example of Samartian masculinity and pretty damned good in the sack, your GAWAIN has many other uses.
Short of wood for the fire? Not a problem if you posses a GAWAIN unit. Due to the GAWAIN's built in flinging-around-axes-in-a-deadly-manner chip, all you need do is point it in the direction of any trees that need felling, and you'll have a pile of firewood before you can say "let's-get-you-out-of-those-grubby-things-and-into-a-warm-bath-what-do-you-say? For those of you lucky enough to live in warm climes, we advise removing the unit's shirt/armour while it is engaged in strenuous physical activity. (Don't worry, it won't over-heat - it's just nice to watch).
The GAWAIN unit has been built to withstand the whiniest of children's tantrums. Is little Tommy refusing to go to the supermarket and throwing his glass of milk against the wall in disgust? Simply set your unit to it's anti-brat setting. GAWAIN will inform the sulky child that it is going whether it likes it or not, and the child should follow meekly.
Note: The anti-brat setting can also be utilised on GALAHAD units.
The gifts that the gods gave your unit can be utilised in both the battlefield and the bedroom. Waging a private war over just how far your neighbours' fence encroaches onto your property? Send your GAWAIN over to sort it out. We can guarantee a cessation in hostilities almost immediately.
Note: The death/mutilation/chopping into little bits of the aforesaid neighbours is not covered in the BrightKnights customer insurance policy. Please use your unit responsibly.
If you do not wish to use your GAWAIN unit in it's hacking-things-to-death-mode, it can come in very handy when testing the durability of your mattress. Physical activity is vital in keeping your unit properly fit and toned.
Note: BrightKnights advises that owner smugness be kept to a minimum when boasting to female friends.
Do not expose your GAWAIN unit to fire, strong electrical charges, catholicism, crossbows or combs.
COMPATIBIITY WITH OTHER MODELS
Your GAWAIN is compatible with all units in the Castus range, although caution is advised when purchasing a GALAHAD unit. Excessive time spent with your GAWAIN unit may cause your GALAHAD unit to revert to sulky-I-hate-it here mode, as opposed to it's usual sulky-stop-ordering-me-around-Gawain default setting.
Caution should be used when cleaning your GAWAIN. Before you start, make sure that any scissors or shaving appliances are hidden away, as they may distress your unit. Hand washing is recommended, although the chucking-it-in-a-river-and-letting-it-shake-off-the-water-like-a-golden-retriever is an option if the unit becomes particularly grimy. Brushing your Gawain is a time consuming task and is best avoided unless you want your rugged knight to end up looking like Michael Bolton circa 1998.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My GAWAIN unit keeps arguing with my GALAHAD unit, following it when it storms off, and returns looking strangely satisfied. What is happening?
A: You have been issued with two slash models. Arguing/angst/disagreements can only be resolved with sweaty man sex and/or declarations of love. Find out where your units hold their trysts, install a video camera and broadcast it live on the internet - you'll make a fortune.
Q: My GAWAIN unit is short of hair and keeps looking wistfully up at the night sky.
A: You have been issued with an OWEN LARS model. These units are much easier to clean and are highly prized in the sci-fi community, but on no account let it watch the original Star Wars films, as this may cause your unit to re-set to muffled-weeping mode.
Q: My GAWAIN unit seems overly flirtatious with the girls in the local pub. What can I do to dissuade such behaviour?
A: Do you have a pair of garden shears? Simply take them with you and slide them out your pocket whenever your unit seems to be getting a little overly friendly with other women. Due to a specially designed default setting, the GAWAIN unit responds with fear and/or panic to threats to it's hair. This can be reinforced by reciting the tale of "Sampson and Delilah". It doesn't really make much difference, but it's funny to watch the unit's face when it comes to the "shearing" part.
Q: My GAWAIN unit looks sad and melancholy. What can I do to cheer it up?
A: Has your GAWAIN recently been exposed to a VANORA unit while it was set to melodic-yet-symbolic-ballad mode? Put a jaunty tune on the radio - something by S club 7 or Brittany Spears will do, if that doesn't work then either take it to bed or let a TRISTAN unit fling knives about in a accurate yet pointless way near your unit. Whichever you prefer.
Your GAWAIN unit is guaranteed to be 100 loyal, however it is prudent to keep it away from ARTHUR units when they are set to pointless-but-heroic mode. Such interaction might lead to damage to your GAWAIN, although if you are a hurt/comfort fan then by all means go ahead. If all procedures are followed then you should enjoy many years of enjoyment with your unit, however we do advise stocking up on BrightKnights' SuperIndustrialStrength conditioner if you are thinking about taking it out in public.