This is a slight variation on the theme I've been pursuing...a twist, if you will. I hope you enjoy it. American readers should get the reference.
"No, no, no, no, no! Cut, cut, CUT, Severus, that's ENOUGH!" Paolo the Director threw his clipboard in the air in desperation as Snape glared at the young actor beside him so ferociously that the little muffin burst into loud, fabulously exaggerated sobs.
Snape stopped and stared at his irate director. "What now, Paolo?" he demanded. "I shampooed twice for this nonsense, and I'll have you know that it wasn't an amusing way to spend a Saturday afternoon. And quite frankly--" he whipped around and glanced adoringly into a conveniently located reflective surface, "I think it looks quite good."
Paolo sighed. Thespians. Honestly. He decided to go about this as patiently as he could.
"The hair looks gorgeous, Sev--"
"Do not," whispered Snape dangerously, "call me Sev."
"All right. Severus. Sorry. It isn't the hair. It's your…well, attitude…""What is wrong with my attitude, Paolo?"
"Well--it's--just that--" Paolo, normally a man of great articulation, wrung his hands in despair for lack of a coherent, nay, polite way of breaking the news to his brooding grump of a leading man. "Well, Severus, I think you're overdoing it."
Snape raised his eyebrows--the Italian had obviously struck a nerve.
"I beg your pardon?" he said, his voice rising in passion. "Overdoing it? I am a master! What were you doing when I was going on and on about the subtle science and exact art in the movie theater? Weren't you paying attention?" He flailed his arms dramatically which, considering the fact that he was wearing long, billowing robes, achieved great effect.
"Of course I was paying attention, Severus," said Paolo miserably, mentally cursing his own choice of career. He could have been an optometrist, but noooo, Paolo HAD to be a director…
"Well then! You shall not criticize me in any shape or form. It is a privilege that I am regaling you with my glorious presence, Paolo, a privilege."
"A privilege," repeated Paolo dully. "All right, Severus. Do what you want. But please, just please could just do it? The network needs the commercial in less than five hours. "
"Very well. If I have no more…interferences," said Snape, his eyes glinting dangerously.
Paolo decided to acquiesce and nodded. "Okay, go on. In five--four--three--two--one--ACTION!"
Snape strode up and eyed the camera squarely.
"Do you have what it takes?" he whispered. "To be the best--the brightest--the greatest master of the sinister facial expression?" (the child actor whimpered piteously).
"Do you have the necessary skills," Snape continued "To frighten innocent children, appall grannies, and be a menace to society in general?" (another whimper).
"If so--come join me, Severus Snape, winner of Witch Weekly's Least Charming Smile Award four years in a row--for a reality show unlike any you've seen before. Let's see who can be the next Dean of Mean in this year's season of…Sneer Factor!"
Snape paused and, with all the might he could muster, sneered magnificently into the camera lens. It promptly shattered.
The camera man turned to Paolo and raised his eyebrows.
Paolo stared. "Wow, Severus, that was…wow…"
Snape glared at him.
"Did you record that?" he demanded.
"Very well, then. Gentlemen, I shall be in my trailer if you need me." Snape bowed elaborately and strode off.
The cameraman looked at Paolo with awe in his eyes.
"He may be a total jerk, Paolo, but this guy's good. He could give the Grinch a run for his money"
"Yeah, but that's the fourth camera he's broken today!" Paolo shouted. "He needs to replace them!"
The camera man fiddled inconsequentially with the zoom button.
"Okay, so whose going to ask him?"
The pair looked at each other. A couple of eternities flitted by.
"You thirsty, Paolo?" asked the cameraman. "I think we should get some coffee. Or something stronger."
Paolo agreed. Emphatically.
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