AN: I wrote this because I was sick and tired of reading marauders stories where Remus says "my mum is sick," every single month, and James and Sirius say "Oh that's nice, hope she gets better soon" every single month. I have not yet read a story that uses an original excuse. So I compiled this list, and added a paragraph of story at the bottom to make it more interesting. And I'm going to stop my rant now, before there's more authors' note than story.
Disclaimer: Do I need to do this? I know I don't own it, you know I don't own it, everybody peace out. How many lawyers are there hanging around waiting to pounce on every teenager who forgets a disclaimer anyways?
Remus Lupin's Giant List of Excuses
1. Mother is ill. This can be used quite frequently, but be careful not to use it to often - How often can one's mother become sick?
2. Grandmother ill. Once or twice, stretching to three if necessary. Preferably in a row. Do not use directly after any other death or illness.
3. Grandfather ill - See Grandmother.
4. Grandmother died. Max twice. One only has so many grandmothers. Do not use directly after any other illness or death.
5. Grandfather died. See Grandmother.
6. Aunt Had a Baby. This can be used no more than once a year. Unless I make up more than one aunt. Perhaps an uncle? Even so, use judiciously.
7. Father got out of jail. Do not ever, ever, ever use this. Let it be on the record that I am incredibly sleep deprived. Let it also be on the record that my father has never broken any laws whatsoever. One might even go so far as to call him obsessive.
8. Obscure Holiday. Cite a rarely used or entirely made up holiday that your family celebrates. They insist that you be home with them. Not to be used to often. Only 9 months in a school year. Thank goodness.
9. Werewolf attack on a family member- wouldn't be the first time. Only to be used in extreme circumstances
10. Tell the truth- not an option. I promised. And I'm cowardly. They would hate me.
11. I got sick and my parents wanted me to come home for a little while. Not to often. Never use any of these to often. They might get suspicious.
12. I'm a vampire, and Buffy almost got me. Not a good option. They don't do muggle pop culture.
13. Later… I don't feel good. This might actually work for a time, if I distract them and put memory charms on them while they're not looking. So, no. They'll just be more curious.
14. I saw a grim and fainted and no body found my cold shivering body for days. No- they'd just come looking for me the next time I went missing.
15. The whomping willow clobbered me. I am becoming increasingly desperate. Perhaps I should put this aside and go to sleep.
Remus sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. It was late. He had completed his homework hours ago and had gone on to begin "Remus Lupin's Giant List of Excuses" He had run through death, and illnesses and had run into a roadblock as his sarcastic side hit full force. 'No more tonight.' He promised himself. He looked about for a suitable place to hide this list. His dorm-mates were insatiably curious and it would be disastrous if they read it. His eye landed on the top of Sirius's hangings. It was above eye level, and, as he stood on tiptoe to peer at it, covered in candy wrappers, and screwed up bits of parchment. He also recognized one of Peter's Chudley Cannon socks. Remus had spent quite a while helping Peter look for it, but he had never thought to look up here. He crumpled it in his fist, and tossed it up, then hurriedly checked that Sirius had not happened to notice. He wasn't even in bed. Off wandering, indubitably. James was probably with him. Better to be asleep before they came back.
End Chapter 1
AN: Anyone have any ideas to add to the list? I have a few more, but not enough to really merit another chapter. Drop a line if you have any. Or just drop a line.