I think this should be pretty good for all intents and purposes. So, it's an AU after the fourth year I suppose…let's just say that Voldemort died and all that she-bang. Who cares anyways? This is all supposed to be a bit light-hearted anyways…comedic too. Don't take it too seriously, just have fun!
Disclaimer: I totally don't own Harry Potter.
Apudne Te Vel Me?
(Your Place or Mine?)
Chapter One: The Rumor
"Cho Chang?" Ron grinned as he suggested the name.
"Been there, done that, don't want to get swept away in the flood." Harry waved a hand in the air lazily. The two boys were lying on the grass next to an oak tree. They were supposed to be meeting Hermione, but she, surprisingly, was running late. As it was, the two boys were throwing up girls' names and commenting on whether or not they'd fancy a snog with them. The two boys both suddenly sat up. "Okay, um…Hannah Abbott?"
"Maybe if she lost twenty pounds." Ron cracked.
"Ouch!" Harry pretended to wince. "Er, Susan Bones?"
"Definitely." Ron nodded. "She's cute."
"I guess." Harry shrugged. He supposed Susan Bones was cute, he just didn't feel any urge to snog her. But that wasn't anything new. Even though he was in his seventh year, he felt no urge really to go after anybody. The only other girl he could think of other than Cho Chang (a terrible relationship during the fifth year) was Ginny Weasley, and she had left on an exchange program to France—where she was attending Beauxbatons.
"Zacharias Smith." Ron could tell that his friend was momentarily distracted.
"Sure—wait, what?" Harry realized as soon as Ron started laughing that he had made a mistake. He leaned over and punched his friend in the arm. "We're supposed to be doing girls' names."
"Man, that was great." Ron wiped a tear of mirth from the corner of his eye. "Anyways, there aren't set rules…are there? Maybe we should ask Hermione." This of course was meant in jest, because they were pretty sure Hermione would heavily disapprove of this game.
"Ask me what?" Hermione had come up behind them. Ron nearly jumped out of his skin.
"Uh, nothing! Nope!" Ron vigorously shook his head. "Yeah, some homework question." Hermione eyed him suspiciously for a moment and then her expression melted into a knowing little smile.
"You two were talking about girls, weren't you?" Hermione flicked some of her hair over her shoulder.
"Nah, we were talking about how Harry wants to snog Zacharias Smith." Ron smiled broadly, before Harry punched him in the arm again. "Ow!"
"You like Zacharias Smith?" Hermione raised her eyebrows.
"No!" Harry got up, brushing off grass from his robes. "Ron's just being an idiot."
"I'm starving!" Ron changed gears immediately. "What's for dinner?"
"I don't know, but it better not involve peas again." Hermione frowned a little. The Slytherins had recently invented a very useful (according to them) little charm that helped one's aim while flicking peas. The Gryffindor table got the brunt of the assault, although the Hufflepuff table didn't do too much better. The Slytherins refused to see the point of making a charm to help them throw any other sized vegetables, especially ones that didn't match the House colors.
The trio began walking back up to the castle quietly, each thinking up a different strategy in case peas were on the menu when Ron did something that he had been doing all year.
Try to ask Hermione out on a date.
It was impossible. Every time, the words just got stuck in his throat and he couldn't do it properly. Now he had given up on trying to create a good atmosphere for asking her, he just randomly tried in the hopes that maybe 1) If he hadn't been expecting himself to say it, he could say it, and 2) It might catch Hermione off guard and she'd be so surprised that she'd actually say yes.
"Hermione, doyouwannagooutwithme?" Ron said extremely fast, amazed at himself for actually getting out all the words. Unfortunately for Ron, even though he had finally been able to at least say it, Harry tripped over a rock at the exact same moment so Hermione's attention was temporarily seized.
"Are you alright, Harry?" Hermione asked in concern.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Harry was back on his feet in a matter of moments.
"Oh, sorry, Ron, what were you saying?" Hermione turned apologetically to Ron.
"Nothing…" Ron trailed off dejectedly. "Nothing important…" Inside his head, he was cursing his best friend for tripping, feeling that in some small way, it was malicious.
They finally entered the castle and were going into the Great Hall when Ron got a small revenge (in his mind) by nudging Harry and pointing at Zacharias Smith. "Hey, isn't that your sweetheart, Harry?" He spoke loudly.
Ron was punched in the arm by the green-eyed young man, but had Harry had an inkling of the trouble this one comment would cause, Ron would have been lucky to get away with his life.
A few moments earlier…
"So, if half the rumors were true, than the Slytherins are a completely debauched group that do nothing but ravish any good looking students, in or out of their own house." Dean explained to Seamus as they started to go into the Great Hall.
(The two failed to notice the group of Slytherins who overheard them and looked extremely pleased with themselves and began asking whether or not anyone thought that comment was too long to use as a password.)
"Yeah, but if some of them are true…" Seamus looked around hopefully. "Then that means they probably have wild parties."
"They probably do." Dean agreed. "But I don't think all the stuff is true."
"What about them being well versed in sex magic?" Seamus wriggled his eyebrows.
"Who taught it to them, Snape?" Dean's expression was full of skepticism. Then he grinned and reached over, messing up Seamus' blonde hair, before quickly running off towards the Gryffindor table.
"Hey!" Seamus stopped to smooth his hair and as he did, a group of three people came up behind him on their way to the Gryffindor table. He noticed that it was Harry, Hermione, and Ron. He was about to say something when he saw Ron nudge Harry and point to Zacharias Smith, who was standing a few feet away, talking to a few of his house mates.
"Hey, isn't that your sweetheart, Harry?" Ron asked loudly. Harry punched him and muttered something under his breath that Seamus couldn't hear.
Seamus stood there for a moment. He thought about what he knew about Harry Potter and Zacharias Smith. He had shared a dorm with Harry for his entire Hogwarts life. Zacharias Smith he only knew because of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. Smith really didn't like Harry, from what he had heard. But then…
What if he only pretends not to like him, because they're secretly dating?
An idea had taken root and blossomed in Seamus' mind. It made sense. He had never seen Harry date anybody except Cho Chang and that had lasted all of two weeks their fifth year. He hadn't heard of Smith dating anyone. And Seamus knew all about secret dating…
And besides, Ron was bound to know because he was such good friends with Harry. Why, it all made perfect sense! Well, Seamus was secretly dating someone himself so he decided the very best thing was to just keep his mouth shut. Yup, it would be his little secret. Well, their little secret. Yessiree, no question about it, his lips were sealed.
"Hey Seamus." Parvati Patil greeted him brightly.
"Harry Potter and Zacharias Smith are secretly dating." Seamus blurted out. He could have smacked himself. No one would ever use Seamus for the Fidelius Charm, that was for sure.
"What?" Parvati's jaw dropped. "Really?"
"Well—!" Seamus thought maybe he could repair the damage. He'd just say he was joking and that would be the end of it. But he was far too late.
"Wait until I tell Lavender! We had bets on whether or not he was gay!" Parvati looked extremely excited. "She owes me twenty galleons! Thanks Seamus—bye!"
Seamus watched her go, wondered if he should maybe stop her and explain that he didn't really have any proof, but then he shrugged. What harm could it possibly do if Parvati won a bet against Lavender?
He went to go join his secret boyfriend for a bit of dinner.
"No peas." Ron pointed out to Hermione who looked smug for a moment but then she opened up her bag and seemed to be pulling out books. "Are you studying at the table?"
"N.E.W.T.s!" Hermione barked. "No, actually I'm not. But it wouldn't hurt your chances any." She pulled out the latest issue of Witch Weekly. She opened it up and began to read, eating her food while her eyes flickered back and forth.
"Why do you read that?" Harry asked. "Remember all that stuff they printed about you in the fourth year?"
"Yeah…well…" Hermione's cheeks pinked. "Sometimes they have interesting potion recipes…"
"'201 Wild New Tricks For the Bedroom'?" Ron read one of the headlines on the cover. "What would you need to know that stuff for?" He rolled his eyes to show how silly he thought it was.
Now, Ron meant this in the best of ways. In Ron speak, this was the equivalent of, "Why would you need to know any of that, dearest Hermione? You are utterly perfect and I would love you regardless of what some vapid magazine said you should know."
But that isn't what he said.
"Ron!" Hermione slammed her magazine down, her lips pursed, her eyebrows knit together. "You can be such an…an…insensitive jackass!" And then she got up, grabbing her stuff, and marching out of the Great Hall.
Harry and Ron both were stunned—Ron, for not understanding what he had said wrong, and Harry because Hermione rarely swore like that.
"Why does she always do that?" Ron threw his hands up in the air. "She always says I'm insensitive."
"Well, and this is just a guess," Harry began slowly, fighting the urge to roll his eyes with all his might. "I think she might think you're insensitive."
"I am not!" Ron looked deeply offended. "I'm completely sensitive!" And he forked some mashed potatoes in his mouth.
"If you say so." Harry didn't look convinced. "I mean, no offense Ron, but sometimes you're a little…"
"What? I'm a little what?" Ron's eyes narrowed, his mouth half full of mashed potatoes.
"Think about what just happened." Harry pointed out. "Hermione stomps out, mad, and what did you do?"
"Stayed…here." Ron answered slowly. Harry nodded in a satisfied manner. "Oh."
"Yeah." Harry took hold of his glass. "You've got to remember that girls are crazy and don't make any sense."
"But that doesn't make any…oooooooh." Ron seemed to understand. "So, if I acted more sensitive, Hermione would notice and like me better!"
"Well, she still likes you, I think." Harry said matter o' factly. "It's just that sometimes you're um, to quote Hermione, kind of a jackass. But in a good way." He realized he was digging himself into a hole. "She doesn't want you to completely change, she just thinks it would be nice if you could…be more sensitive. Like she says."
"So…she doesn't want me to change but she wants me to be more sensitive?" Ron scratched the back of his head with one hand. "You're right, girls are crazy and don't make any sense."
"Told you." Harry sat there, looking to Ron every bit a well of wisdom about the fairer sex.
"I'm going to find a way to be more sensitive, right now!" Ron stood up, a determined expression on his face. Then he looked down at his plate. He sat back down. "Right after dinner."
Harry was about to take another bite out of his steak when he glanced over to his right and saw Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown looking at him. As soon as they realized he had caught them, they started giggling wildly into their hands.
What are they giggling about?
…Probably something stupid.
What will happen in the next exciting chapter? Stuff. Lots of stuff. This whole 'writing comedy' thing is fun. Hope you kiddos are loving this as much as I am. See you next time!