Disclaimer: I don't own or write for DC.
The Speedo of Doom
Chapter 1: The Question
It was hard to be an evil (or somewhat evil) goddess these days. First she had spent centuries in the Pit of Tartarus with that ugly Medusa woman. Then she had been ordered not to touch Hippolyta (but not Diana!) and then, of course, there had been that deal with Batman.
She'd have to think of another way to make him sing again.
Circe needed a new game. Zeus had recently banned her from turning any more people into animals. The reason for the said ban may have had something to do with her turning Ares into a squirrel on account of a recent disagreement.
Ares had made one psychotic squirrel.
Fortunately for Circe, she had spotted a pair of Justice Leaguers (well, one former Leaguer and a current one) as they embarked on a dreaded shopping mission.
Well…dreaded for the Question anyway.
"Helena…do we really need to do this?" Vic Sage asked. Helena Bertinelli shot him a glare.
"Q…I'm not going to the beach with you unless you get a new pair of shorts!"
"What's wrong with the old one?"
The Huntress hit him in the arm, causing him to yelp. Intrigued, Circe cast an invisibility spell on herself and followed the pair into the mall.
"Helena…" the Question whined. "I hate malls. They…"
"Vic…it's a mall. I don't see any federal agents spying behind fake plastic bushes."
"Of course not, they have hidden cameras inside the bushes."
Vic Sage soon found himself being dragged forcefully into the nearest clothing store. Defeated, he trudged after Helena as she stalked into the men's section.
Looking at the assortment of brightly colored swimming clothes, Circe came up with a brilliant scheme.
Unaware of their spy, Vic Sage stared at the assortment of swimming trunks. So many to choose from. Which were the least dangerous?
"For the love of God, Vic. They're not going to bite you."
"Helena, do you realize that these were most likely made by hundreds of children working as cheap labor in overseas sweat shops?"
Helena glared. Vic suddenly became very interested in choosing between a red pair and a green pair of swimming trunks. The Huntress peered over the assortment of clothing before settling on a nearby rack of Speedos. A particular pair drew her attention.
The Huntress smirked.
"Oh Vic…" she sang out. Ignoring a sudden feeling of dread, the Question looked over at his girlfriend. Helena shoved a pair of bright blue Speedos into his face.
"JL?" he asked carefully. The initials of the Justice League stood out in bright yellow against the stretchy spandex. Realization hit him.
"I'm not wearing that! Heeeleeenaa!"
"You are if you don't hurry up," Helena warned.
As quick as the Flash at lunchtime, Vic Sage had grabbed a random pair of swimming trunks and raced towards the checkout.
"Hmm…" Helena murmured, looking at the Speedos. A smirk crossed her lips as she walked towards the checkout with the spandex in hand. She was going to buy it, if only to torment Charles Victor Szasz.
Unknown to Helena Bertinelli, a certain goddess had placed a magic spell on the said pair of bright blue Speedos.
Vic Sage's first notion that something wasn't right was when Helena had stuck the awful Speedo to his refrigerator with magnets. He had frozen before ripping it off and throwing it into the trash.
Later that evening, he had found the blue Speedos sitting on top of his computer. Thinking that a certain female had dragged it out of the trash, he simply threw it into a corner of his living room with the intent of dealing with it later.
The next day:
"Uh…Vic? What's this?"
Vic Sage, investigative reporter for KBEL News in Hub City, stared at his desk at work.
Helena had placed the blue Speedos at his desk at work! Now his coworkers were smirking behind their hands as the greatly embarrassed Vic Sage grabbed the swimming attire off of his desk and stalked into the men's bathroom.
He flushed it down one of the toilets.
"I didn't do it Vic!" Helena protested. "I admit, I did dig it out of the trash and put it on your computer, but I didn't take it to your work!"
Impossible as it was, Vic knew Helena well enough to realize that she wasn't lying. Fortunately, the said Speedo had met its demise in the toilet.
The next day:
"No…impossible…flushed…down…toilet…" Vic Sage stuttered. The offending article of clothing was sitting on his kitchen table, looking brand new.
Pulling himself together, the Question grabbed the Speedo and marched towards his kitchen sink with new resolve. He pulled out a set of matches from his cabinets and lit them up.
He dropped three lit matches in the dreaded pair of Speedos.
The damned thing wouldn't burn!
Vic Sage stared at it for a long time. Four more minutes passed until he was forced to put out the flames before they spread past the sink.
He retreated across the room and sat warily at his kitchen table, staring at the sink and the hated object inside it.
What the hell was it? Who made fireproof Speedos anyway? Was this some evil plan of the Illuminati?
Deciding to do an experiment, the Question finally picked up the offending bright blue swimwear with a pair of tweezers, unwilling to actually touch it.
He tossed it out an open window.
Vic Sage walked into his bedroom and found that the Speedos were sitting on top of his bed, in pristine condition.
The Question backed slowly out of the room.
Either someone in the Justice League was playing a trick on him or the Speedos were cursed.
The Illuminati had gone too far this time.
Vic Sage supposed he could have asked for help. It seemed likely that magic was possibly involved. However…even though he was well known as a crackpot and a nutcase, even the Question had his limits.
There was absolutely NO way in Hell that he was going to admit to being haunted by a pair of possessed Speedos. There were some lines that even he wouldn't cross.
The Question sat on the ground, glaring menacingly at his spandex enemy. After what seemed to be nearly an eternity, the red haired man finally decided to do one more test.
He flushed it down the toilet. Again. And again. And again.
Each time it reappeared somewhere in his apartment, as new and clean as when Helena had bought it.
"Dear God…what have I done to deserve this?" Vic Sage moaned. Frustrated, he tried to set it on fire again.
Half an hour later of several more failed attempts at destruction, the Question admitted defeat.
The Question sat staring at the Speedo well into the night, too disturbed and frustrated to attempt to sleep or work.
There was a pattern here. The Speedo appeared to be invincible to any physical attempts to destroy it. Also, every time he threw it away…it always returned unharmed to its owner.
Returned to its owner…
It returned to its owner.
Vic Sage nearly danced with glee as he started to hum to a random pop song. He had it! He had it he had it he had it…
All he had to do was change its ownership. If he couldn't destroy the damn thing he'd give it away!
Charles Victor Szasz rummaged through his back closet until he pulled out a small, cardboard box. He threw the offending blue Speedo into it and taped it up.
After a moment of consideration, he decided to wrap it up in some leftover Christmas wrapping paper in his closet. Then he pulled out a gift tag and taped it to the box.
Now…who to give it away to?
Vic Sage pondered this for a long while before writing:
To: Oliver Queen
From: A Fellow Leaguer
Satisfied with himself, the Question resolved to drop off the package at the Watchtower the next day.