The Speedo of Doom
Chapter Four: Luthor
"For the love of God I can't take it anymore!"
To say that Wallace Rudolph West had snapped was a gross understatement. For twenty-fours after 'giving' the hated Speedo to the King of Atlantis, the Flash had lived in fear of his life.
Despite being the Fastest Man Alive, an irate Aquaman had somehow managed to corner the luckless speedster behind a bar in Jamaica. Wally strongly suspected that the Atlantean had forced Dr. Fate to use magic to track him.
"Calm down Kid."
"Shut up John!" Wally shouted. He brandished the blue Speedos at the Green Lantern, who warily eyed the cursed swimwear.
"What am I supposed to do!?" Wally moaned. John Stewart rubbed his chin thoughtfully. At the moment, every male in the League, except for John and Bruce, was keeping their distance from the Scarlet Speedster. Even a certain Kryptonian was keeping his distance from the younger man.
"Give it away, that's the simplest explanation," Kara Kent offered. She idly flipped through a fashion magazine as the trio lounged in front of a large television. For some inexplicable reason, John Stewart was watching House Hunters.
"Like who?" Wally countered. Kara smirked at him before leaning toward him.
"Give it to Luthor," she whispered slyly. John choked on the water he was drinking and turned to look at Wally…
But the Flash was already gone.
Lex Luthor had known it was going to be a bad day from the moment he woke up:
1. His fingers
had gotten jammed in a door. (Copperhead had paid dearly for it.)
2. Livewire had drained all the power from the Legion's headquarters and they were now temporarily running on emergency power.
3. Queen Bee, Volcana, and Killer Frost had gotten into a cat fight of epic proportions. (Actually, he had enjoyed watching that one.)
4. Bizarro had…dear God, when didn't the idiotic buffoon do anything stupid!?
5. Tala was away on a mission for a few days, so he couldn't have random sex to make everything better.
6. Oh, and Superman was still alive.
His first inclination that the day had gotten worse was when he walked into the Legion's boardroom to find a strange, 'JL' inscribed blue Speedo sitting at his place. The supervillain genius had paused to glare coldly at it before swiping it off the table and stalking out of the room.
The rest of the Legion had frozen when the irate man began bellowing at them, demanding who had dared to place such a foul object at his seat on his table.
No one had dared to answer. Not to worry though, Lex would sort it out later. For now, he'd get rid of the damned thing first.
He threw it in the trash. Which, as Lex came to find out, did not work as it should have.
The Speedo had reappeared in his briefcase.
Growing more irate, as he thought that a second Speedo had somehow been planted without his knowledge (it hadn't occurred to him yet that it was the same one), he growled as he also threw this one into the trash.
The next time that Lex came across the increasingly irritating clothing, he had stepped into the men's restroom to discover that it was folded up and stuffed neatly inside his jacket.
"Who the hell is responsible for this!?"
There was no answer except for the slamming of stall doors as the current occupants of the said restroom raced out. Outside however, one Legion member asked another what Luthor meant.
"He's probably having impotency problems," another villain answered sagely. The others nodded in agreement before racing off to avoid the wrath of Luthor.
"You…gave it to Luthor?" Ollie asked in astonishment. He and Ralph Dibney looked at each other and back at the Scarlett Speedster before the three broke into laughter.
"How'd you manage that?" Ralph asked between laughs. The Flash gave a wide smile as he gave a gallant bow to his two friends.
"It wasn't hard actually," the Flash answered. "All I had to say was that the Speedo was now the property of a one Lex Luthor and Poof! It was gone!"
Oliver Queen gave a snicker and soon the three men had tears in their eyes from several minutes of continuous laughter.
"WHAT KIND OF SORCERY IS THIS!?"
Oh yes, Lex Luthor had finally figured out that it was the same Speedo that kept reappearing.
Of course, the said realization may have come after firing his gun repeatedly at the cursed swimwear and then dropping it in a vat of acid.
A vein threatened to pop on Luthor's bald head as he resolved to destroy the piece of cloth (and kill whoever gave it to him.)
With murderous intent, the Leader of the Legion of Doom poured gasoline over the Speedo and lit a match.
"Your move Sinestro."
The evil Green Lantern stared down at the set of cards in his hands. Parasite gave him a smirk as he eyed the three Aces in his hands.
"Hmm…" Sinestro bent over to remove a new card from the deck when an unwelcome intruder interrupted their game, wrapping an arm around the stiff Green Lantern.
"Cards! Oooh! I love cards! I especially love the Joker."
"Beat it Joker!" Parasite threatened. The Joker took a step back and pointed at himself.
"Moi? Leave?" he asked. His eyes narrowed maliciously. "I think not."
Sinestro was preparing to strike the pale faced man when…
Lex raced out of the room as the sprinklers came on. Was it even natural for such a small thing to create a room full of flames!?
Wally West jumped as Bruce Wayne entered unannounced into his private room. The younger man could feel a Bat Glare building beneath the dark mask.
"What now?" the Flash complained. "I have a test tomorrow!" He brandished his college chemistry book at the Bat and contemplated throwing it. The Bat Glare intensified.
"Dr. Fate and Zatanna were going to examine the Speedo," Bruce answered. "They were going to try to determine what kind of magic had been used on it. At least, they would have if you hadn't given it to Luthor." Bruce crossed his arms, but Wally swore that the corner of the older man's lips twitched ever so slightly.
It was probably his imagination though.
"If I'd known you wanted it so bad, I'd have given it to you," Wally answered innocently. "Maybe you should go ask Luthor for it."
Bruce gave him an impassive stare before turning around and gliding silently out the room.
Wally chuckled to himself.
"Wally, 52. Bruce, 43."
"Watch out, he's gone mental!"
Various members of the Legion ran for their lives as Luthor strapped the hated Speedo to a bomb. Others lounged around curiously as the bald maniac prepared to blow up the piece of swimwear. Captain Cold and the Trickster began to cash in the money as they started a betting pool on whether or not Luthor would manage to kill himself.
Luthor, however, had the presence of mind to blow up the bomb outside of the hidden compound.
There was a moment of silence when their fearless leader raced outside to check on the status of his victim.
"Luthor, 0. Speedo, 21," Trickster muttered.
Vic Sage hummed to himself as he sauntered down the hall. So far, no one had realized that he was the one to have given the Speedo to Oliver Queen. He would be a happy man as long as it stayed that way.
Now if only he could figure out who was behind the prank.
He suspected involvement by the Illuminati.
Tala the sorceress hummed to herself as she imagined the look of delight on Lex's face. The man had no idea she would be returning today. The thought of what they would do in bed later filled her with excitement.
At least, until she stepped into the Legion's headquarters.
The sorceress looked around in bewilderment as men and women ran screaming. Several walls looked as if they had been blown up. She could hear a weapon's discharge coming from the other end of the compound.
She could also hear what suspiciously sounded like Luthor screaming in fury.
A minute later, her suspicions were proven correct when a wild eyed Lex came racing towards her, brandishing a bright blue Speedo.
"Tala!" he roared. "Get rid of this! NOW!"
Tala stared blankly at him.
"ARE YOU DEAF WOMAN?"
"Er…Lex? Do you mind explaining what…?" Before the sorceress could finish however, Bizarro peered over her shoulder. The failed Superman clone gazed at the blue Speedo in awe.
"Pretty…." Bizarro said. He held out a massive hand towards Luthor. "Bizarro want!"
Lex looked at Tala. Tala looked at Luthor. Both looked at Bizarro. Luthor shrugged as he handed it to the large creature.
"I suppose that's one way of getting rid of it," Luthor smirked. As he placed the Speedo in Bizarro's hand, it inexplicably disintegrated.
The threesome stared as dust trickled through the clone's massive hand. Unbeknownst to them, a watching Circe had undone the spell. Snickering silently, the goddess watched to see what would happen.
"Er…" Tala muttered, still unsure as to what was going on. Luthor's smirk widened as his hated adversary disappeared.
His smirk disappeared at the look of rage on Bizarro's ugly face.
"Oh. Shit," Lex swore. Bizarro's face reddened. And reddened. And reddened some more.
As Bizarro tore apart the compound, Luthor cursed the fates. He should have just stayed in bed today.
Several days had passed when Oliver Queen stepped into an elevator. He gave a pause when he saw that the Question was humming to himself in a corner. Ollie shrugged as he stepped inside.
"Ever figure out who gave you that Speedo?" the Question asked carefully. The Green Arrow gave a scowl and crossed his arms.
"No, but when I do, he or she is dead," Ollie vowed darkly.
The Question smiled underneath his mask.
At least, until he stepped out of the elevator and came face to face with J'onn J'onzz. The Martian gave him an impassive stare before turning to the green clad archer.
"It was him," J'onn stated. The Green Arrow gave an outraged roar and took off after a fleeing Question.
Both men would later end up in the infirmary after an intensive brawl outside one of the shuttle bays.
Author's note: I will be updating more frequently now on my other stories. I will be updating my author's profile at least once a week. You can check there to see the current status of my stories.