Disclaimer: One day I'm going to get sued because I don't put up disclaimers in any of my stories. So here it goes…I don't own any of these characters and have not profited from writing this at all.

Warning: This is slash. Meaning two characters of the same gender are involved in a romantic and sexual relationship. If you don't like slash please don't read this. I'm warning you. This is SLASH!

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Sometimes I regret seducing Severus.

Yeah, you heard me, Harry James Potter, the 'Golden Boy', as Malfoy loves to call me, managed to seduce someone! But not just any someone, the head of freaking Slytherin himself; Severus Snape.

It actually wasn't that hard, especially since I caught him checking me out on a few occasions.

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Everything started out all fine and dandy. Screwin' like rabbits on viagra, takin' rides in his sexy sports cars, screwin' like rabbits on...oh wait, I already said that. But anyway, life was good. Hell, I even started to fall in love with the guy! Sure we bickered and bitched about anything and everything, but that's what kept our love strong. I knew he cared for me, even if he had trouble voicing it. I saw it in his eyes.

The night I knew he truly loved me, he had become my knight in shining armor.

My stupid drunken godfather got pissed and tried to beat me.

That was the night I came home late and smelling like sex.

He flipped and tried to beat me cause I'm screwing a Slytherin and not getting anything in return for it.

Severus had started to get into the habit of waiting around until he was sure I wasn't going to come bolting back out of the house, which is exactly what I did that night.

Shoes in one hand, jacket in the other, and my godfather right on my heels.

Severus was in front of the house faster than I can say 'fuck me', and holding firmly his position between my godfather and I.

"So you're dating Snivellus?" My godfather spat in Severus' face.

Severus, keeping his cool, calmly told me to apparate away.

I have no doubts that he saved my life that night. It scares me to think what my godfather might have done if he got his hands on me.

After a year and a half Severus started to drift.

He stayed at Hogwarts longer, and broke dates without a reason. Sure that's no big deal, but the worst thing about it was that our 'love making' had turned into sex. No foreplay, no teasing, and no seduction. Just Severus mounting me to try and get his rocks off. Sure I got mine off as well but he hardly lets me ride. And I know for a fact that he likes it when I ride! I rode him right in his office once! Now that was fun, but that happened before he started to drift.

Flashback

He had flooed me cause he had to stay late at Hogwarts one night, and all he did over the floo was apologize and tell me he'd make it up to me. We were supposed to have dinner and then go see a movie. I decided to surprise him and show up at his office. I ended up riding him, his hands on my hips with a bruising grip and his head thrown back over the chair. Severus and his skilled tongue could work wonders. But he stopped using it on me also.

End Flashback

Every time we lie awake,
after every hit we take.
Every feeling that I get,
but I haven't missed you yet.

About half a year later we had a life changing fight.

It wasn't one of our typical little pissy fights that ended with Severus' tongue down my throat, it was a fight that ended with me screaming and crying with a large red welt on my face where the back of Severus' hand connected.

He had never hit me before.

I was so startled I turned and left, slamming the door behind me.

I went back to my little apartment I had bought to get away from my godfather.

I have never been able to handle my anger well, I used to curse people when I got mad, now I break things.

That night I broke three plates, four glasses, one flower vase, and my right hand from punching the wall.

Severus showed up shortly after my little fit. I started screaming at him again, calling him every nasty name I could think of. He stood there calmly waiting for me to run out of steam.

He let out a simple, "Are you quite finished?" before he hit me again.

I didn't let this slide like last time; I turned and hit him back with my good hand.

Unfortunately the bugger had the advantage; he had two hands to hit me with.

He slowly gained the upper hand and got through my defenses. He landed a fist in my gut and a backhand across my jaw.

When I fell to the ground he pushed me onto my back, ripped off my pants and proceeded to fuck me...well, rape me actually, seeing as though I screamed 'stop' and 'no' until I couldn't breathe.

When he finished he tenderly picked me up off of the floor and carried me to my bed. He lay down behind me, arms wrapped around my waist in a lovers embrace. Murmuring into my ear how much he loved me.

The whole notion made me bloody sick. My stomach turned as he nuzzled my neck. I was too sore to move, my thighs were sticky from my blood and his semen.

Fucking bastard.

From making love, to having sex, to fucking...how degrading!

I hated him, fuck; my only desire was for him to leave so I could go vomit in peace!

Every roommate kept awake,
by every sigh and scream we make.
All the feelings that I get,
but I still don't miss you yet.
Only when I stop to think about it.

The next morning I royally bitched him out. Asking how could he do that to me, and get off on it!?

I remember, amongst my screams of pain, hearing him grunt and moan in pleasure.

I then proceeded to whip insults at him, calling him everything from a cold and heartless bastard, to a perverted rapist.

The neighbors definitely loved me for that.

The police were called to investigate a 'Domestic Disturbance'.

Severus calmly left without a word to me, and when the police left I fell to the floor crying. I screamed about how much I hated him, and how I was glad the police made him leave my apartment.

I started to cry even harder when I remembered the great times we had.

Him holding me in his strong arms after we made love, having a popcorn fight in the kitchen, the countless times we fell asleep on the couch while watching a movie, everything I couldn't bring myself to forget.

My mind snapped back to what he had done to me and I flew into the bathroom, emptying my stomach into the toilet.

I hate everything about you,
why do I love you?
I hate everything about you,
why do I love you?

I don't know what made him change like that, but even with that fact, after he raped me I couldn't bring myself to leave him. I asked him why things had changed, and you know what the fucker said?

"What are you talking about? Nothing has changed!"

Yup, needless to say, I lost my temper.

"Nothing has changed? Then why were the fucking police called to investigate a Domestic Disturbance call? Why won't you touch, or even look at me the way you used to? WHY DID YOU FUCKING RAPE ME?"

Well, that wasn't exactly subtle, but I never said it was my strong suit. I was going to leave out the last part, but in my rage it just kinda slipped out.

Severus spun around so fast I didn't even see it coming. I was knocked on the ground when he backhanded me, fuck, I could have at least blocked it if I saw it coming.

I thought that was bad, heh, was I ever wrong.

I lay on the ground stunned, blood filling my mouth, Severus looming over me.

"You fucking bastard," was all I managed to get out before me beat me senseless.

He raped me again afterwards, and then left.

I was left lying on the floor in a puddle of my own blood, naked, broken, and covered in his semen.

Fucking bastard even told me he loved me before he left.

I hate him

Hate

Hate

Hate

Hate

Hate!

I hate his ignorance, his pride, his closed mind, his habits, his movements, his essence, his soul, his emotions (or lack-there-of), his talents, his faults…his love.

Stupid thing is though, as much as I hate him

I love him twice as much.

Every time we lie awake,
after every hit we take.
Every feeling that I get,
but I haven't missed you yet.
Only when I stop to think about it.

Severus made a habit of stopping by my apartment, and since I kept forgetting to change the locks, he always waltzed right in.

I EVENTUALLY changed the locks when the beatings got worse, but did that stop him from coming in? Nooooooo, the stupid asshole kicked the door down.

He was furious when he walked in, and I knew he intended on beating me senseless that night.

Sorry Severus, not tonight…nor any other night.

I was not going to be his bitch; I would no longer be his bitch…his punching bag.

I fought back this time; for every hit he landed, I landed twice as many.

I refused to go down.

If someone was to fall that night it was going to be him, NOT me! Never again will I fall.

A kick to the gut sent him flying flat on his ass. I quickly turned and went into the kitchen when he was too dazed to react. I grabbed the biggest fucking knife I could find and went back out to the living room. He was slowly climbing to his feet, staggering slightly.

I gathered all my courage and shouted, "Get the FUCK outta my house!" Holding the knife before me of course.

Severus looked at me skeptically and started to laugh. "You won't use that on me," he said to me, "you don't have the balls, whore."

That pissed me off.

"No?" I countered, "I am tired of being your bitch, and I don't care if I go to Azkaban for the rest of my life, you touch me again and I WILL kill you."

Severus blinked.

This bitch just found her backbone. Go me!

"Get the fuck out NOW!" I pointed to the door with the knife, watching in glee as Severus turned and left.

Yeah…that glee didn't last long.

Once the door closed I fell to the ground crying.

I cried myself to sleep that night, and the night after, and the night after that, and lo and behold, the night after that one as well.

I hate the man's guts, but I still love him with everything I got.

Trying to sleep was the worst; I always remembered how he used to hold me at nights. His arms wrapped possessively around me, my head on his chest listening to his steady heart beat.

The warmth he used to give me now gone, leaving me cold and lonely. Hating myself for craving his presence, his touch.

I may have kicked him out of my house, but I never truly left him. I wondered if I ever could.

Only when I stop to think about you,
I know.
Only when you stop to think about me,
do you know?

Can I ever leave him?

Him …once friend, once lover.

Can I survive without him?

Can I survive with him?

Him

Severus Snape…

The man I hate

The man I love

I hate everything about you,
why do I love you?
I hate everything about you,
why do I love you?

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