Disclaimer: CSI: Las Vegas is the property of Anthony E. Zuiker and CBS. Nothing you recognize belongs to me. Sigh.
A/N: I owe the idea for a User's Manual to the fantastic, incomparable Theresa Green. Thank you! Enjoy!
You are now the proud owner of your very own GILBERT GRISSOM, PhD; just one of the many fine CSI Products available!
If you follow the guidelines of this user's guide, you will get quality performance from your GRISSOM for years to come.
The GRISSOM model requires no power up, as he comes fully charged and ready to be put to use. For optimum performance, check that your GRISSOM has come with all of his accessories (see below).
Name: Gilbert "Gil" Grissom
Manufactured in: Marina Del Ray, California
Eye color: Cornflower blue
Hair color: Salt and pepper gray
Beard color (optional): Salt and pepper gray
Length: Withheld (for optimum user satisfaction)
As your GRISSOM model is a low maintenance model, installation is a breeze! Simply remove GRISSOM from his packaging, give him his accessories, and watch fondly as he scuttles about your house, collecting specimens and quoting encyclopedias.
When you open the packaging for your GRISSOM model, you may find that he covers his eyes and complains about the volume of your voice. Do not be alarmed – the trip has simply given him a migraine. Your GRISSOM has been packed with a bottle of medication for just such an occurrence, and after a brief lie-down and a glass of water, GRISSOM will be right as rain and raring to go in a day or so.
Your GRISSOM comes equipped with many handy accessories:
Red creeper dust
Print lifting kit
Jars with holes poked in the lids
A Nikon camera
The book, Random Facts and When To Use Them
A Hawaiian shirt
A large straw hat
You may be tempted, upon inspection of items 11 and 12, to burn said items immediately. However, your GRISSOM is extremely fond of them, and to do so would send him into a fit of the sulks wherein he would not speak to you for days on end. This sort of action is not recommended.
Although you may already have a good idea about what you want your GRISSOM model to do for you, and where (on the kitchen table, in the bedroom, against a wall, on the DNA processing machine, in the morgue, in the closet of a crime scene covered in fingerprint dust, etc.), there are many other tasks that your GRISSOM can accomplish (that will not result in the termination of your twenty-year marriage). Some of these many tasks are:
Lost an earring? One of your children gone AWOL? Never fear – your GRISSOM model can pick up on clues and evidence quicker than you can sneeze (try not to sneeze… your DNA will be scattered about the room and your GRISSOM may begin to suspect you). GRISSOM will not rest until he finds your missing item, and has an uncanny knack for following the evidence. In the case of children, do not be alarmed if your GRISSOM starts grabbing people by the collar and calling them punks, or leading them to darkened rooms for questioning. This is completely normal; however, in the interest of public safety, try to distract your GRISSOM by taking him to an amusement park with a roller coaster. It is a healthier way for him to vent his frustration.
However, the user must be warned – should GRISSOM be unable to find what he is looking for, he most likely will sulk for a good week. Should the search involve your children, you may come across your GRISSOM sprawled on a couch in your darkened living room, muttering "I just wanted to find those kids." Administer his migraine medication and lead him straight to bed.
Do you have an unhealthy infestation of insects in your household? Resist the urge to call an exterminator, for you have a GRISSOM! Your GRISSOM model prides himself in being one of the top entomologists in the area (and it doesn't really matter what area you're from, either!). Watch as he crawls about on hands and knees and records the exact behavior of the ants eating away at your sugar. Marvel as he sets up a dead pig experiment in your backyard to further his examination of the maggots squirming in last week's pot roast. If anyone can figure out why you have been infested, and for how long, and whether or not the bugs will remain, your GIL GRISSOM can!
NOTE: Employing your GIL GRISSOM to examine the bug situation in your household may not lead to the problem being remedied. Indeed, the bug situation may become worse, as your GRISSOM has natural tendencies to keep the bugs, name them, and perhaps even breed them. Please consider ALL options before using your GRISSOM.
FURTHER NOTE: If you do elect to call an exterminator, DO NOT INFORM YOUR GRISSOM. He may have already bonded with the flies stuck in your fluorescent ceiling light, and if he realizes that you have ordered them to their death, he will most likely cry/ignore you for days. Tell him they died of natural causes, and then distract him by telling him that one of your children is missing. In all the excitement of a new case, he will soon forget about the death of his little friends.
Have your child's recent homework problems completely stumped you? Have you passed the point where you are able to understand what his textbooks mean when they talk about quadratic equations? Your GRISSOM is here to help. GRISSOM comes equipped with an extensive knowledge of well… everything! Math, Science, Literature, even Phys Ed; your GRISSOM knows it all. And while your child may tire of endlessly hearing, "Follow where the evidence leads you," GRISSOM will no doubt get that homework done if he has to stay up for 48 plus hours to do it.
You will normally have no trouble getting your GRISSOM into the bath (indeed, you may have a splendid time, no trouble at all, thank you very much). However, your GRISSOM may become so engrossed in whatever project(s) he has on the go that he forgets/elects not to clean himself. In which case, you may be able to tempt him into the tub by placing an unwrapped SARA SIDLE model in the bath first. GRISSOM will soon follow.
Your GRISSOM is somewhat socially inept. It takes a very long time for him to warm up to a new model, and he has very little patience to boot. However, these following models have earned his respect and friendship:
SARA SIDLE: Your GRISSOM'S interactions with this model begin fairly well. They are both science nerds and socially awkward – indeed, the SARA model is most like the GRISSOM model in temperament. However, these friendly interactions soon develop into something more, at which time the SARA model will attempt to put the moves on your GRISSOM – who will completely shut down any requests of further companionship. Do not be alarmed – your GRISSOM is just afraid of change. Reassure him that not only is his job not in jeopardy, but that the age difference between himself and the SARA model isn't that huge anyways. He will eventually come around. As they are both very secretive, however, you may not initially notice that their relationship has changed any. Some clues may be the dramatic increase in your SARA model's ability to smile; you may also witness the occasional subtle innuendo. If you are still unsure as to the status of their relationship, send your CATHERINE model to secretly snoop about. She'll usually end up prying the information out of the other two.
CATHERINE WILLOWS: These two have a very good interaction level. Your GRISSOM is very fond of the CATHERINE model, and tries very hard to protect her from her the EDDIE and SAM BRAUN models. GRISSOM feels comfortable telling the CATHERINE model things that he would never tell anyone else. Their relationship is initially very confusing, however, as the sexual innuendo and flirting is often shameless and would lead to the initial conclusion that the two must be involved; please understand that their relationship is purely platonic. CATHERINE may also feel occasionally threatened/irritated/exasperated/angered by your GRISSOM model, but then again, who doesn't? These feelings will quickly evaporate when your GRISSOM does something undeniably adorable or admirable. The CATHERINE model is a sucker for such behavior – just don't be surprised if she coos.
JIM BRASS: While interaction between the BRASS model and your GRISSOM is initially rocky, the two models are very close friends; indeed, in many respects, BRASS is the Watson to your Sherlock Holmes. Expect many humorous exchanges between these two, especially when your BRASS is acting especially surly and your GRISSOM is acting especially playful. NOTE This interaction has the potential to change depending on whether your models are set to SLASH mode. If this is the case, expect the same level of flirting once devoted to your CATHERINE model, and new nicknames (from Bugman to Hunnybuns, Nerd to Sugarface, etc.) Please make sure that both are set to SLASH if this is the interaction you want – if your GRISSOM is in SLASH mode and your BRASS is not, well… please remember that the BRASS model comes equipped with a fully functional semi-automatic.
WARRICK BROWN: Considered by many to be GRISSOM'S favorite CSI model, the interaction between these two is exemplary. If your WARRICK model gets in a bit of trouble due to a teensy gambling problem, count on your GRISSOM to bail him out somehow. NOTE This interaction has the potential to change depending on whether your models are set to SLASH mode. If this is the case, expect the same level of flirting once devoted to your CATHERINE model.
NICK STOKES: Your GRISSOM model finds interaction with this model quite easy. The NICK model looks up to GRISSOM as a son to a father, and your GRISSOM enjoys mentoring him. If your NICK model happens to be accidentally buried underground in a Plexiglas coffin covered in fire ants with a limited air supply and low chance of survival, you can count on your GRISSOM model to not rest until he finds him. NOTE This interaction has the potential to change depending on whether your models are set to SLASH mode. If this is the case, expect the same level of flirting once devoted to your CATHERINE model. Please also note that, given the father-son nature of the interaction between the two models, the CSI Products company finds the prospect of GRISSOM/NICK slash very squicky. Thank you.
GREG SANDERS: The interaction between these two models can be best described as initially rocky. While the GREG model has nothing but respect for the GRISSOM model, your GRISSOM finds his taste in music, blunt sense of humor, and ever-changing hairstyles tiresome. However, your GRISSOM model will grow to respect your GREG as he again and again proves himself competent, and, yes, even smart. Eventually your GRISSOM will begin to look at the GREG model as an adopted son, and becomes extremely protective of him. NOTE This interaction has the potential to change depending on whether your models are set to SLASH mode. If this is the case, expect the same level of flirting once devoted to your CATHERINE model. Please also note that, once again, given the father-son nature of the interaction between the two models, the CSI Products Company finds the prospect of GRISSOM/GREG slash unsettling and strange. Thank you.
LADY HEATHER: Every man has needs – and yes, that includes your GRISSOM. If you are finding your GRISSOM'S libido to be more insatiable than you once imagined, and simply need a break (or the chance to take a few more yoga classes), the LADY HEATHER model is a great distraction. The two get along very well, and share similar likes – such as kinky dominatrix whipping. There won't be any substantial relationship, mind you, but it'll be fun. NOTE After interaction with this model, the word "stop" will take on a new meaning with your GRISSOM. Take heed that you only use the word when your GRISSOM is not trying to concentrate, as it will cause his eyes to glaze over and his mind to wander completely. FURTHER NOTE We recommend that you cease and desist all interactions with the LADY HEATHER model when your GRISSOM is finally interacting romantically with the SARA model. Your SARA model is prone to jealousy; not only that, but your GRISSOM model is so utterly hopeless in the romance department that the predicament of having two lovers and the complications that arise from said situation may cause him to spontaneously combust (and the warranty does not cover such a technical failure).
There are some models with which your GRISSOM does not interact quite as positively. These include, but are not limited to:
CONRAD ECKLIE: The animosity between the two models is staggering. However, it's sinfully fun to put the two models in the same room and watch as they duke it out with their words. GRISSOM usually has the intellectual upper hand; however, he has been known to lose his temper completely around the infuriating ECKLIE model. It is important to keep this in mind, and to hid your coffee percolators prior to ECKLIE/ GRISSOM interaction.
DAVID HODGES: This model is just a general annoyance to everyone. We are unsure as to why, exactly, you purchased a HODGES unit. However, if you truly want successful interactions, deactivate your HODGES' voice box. It will be easier on everyone, trust us.
Q: My GRISSOM came without a beard, but after a while grew one. I'm not sure I like it. What should I do?
A: This is perfectly normal, and is in fact the only change in style you will ever see from your GRISSOM. Because of this, we recommend you embrace it – you may find you grow to like it. Even if you don't, your GRISSOM will eventually believe he is ready for another change, and will spontaneously shave it off.
Q: My GRISSOM has long periods of time where he simply ignores me. What is the deal?
A: Your GRISSOM is very prone to sulking, for a variety of reasons (for some of these, see above). However, if in examination of your actions, you have found that you have done nothing to warrant such treatment, don't be alarmed. Your GRISSOM is very socially clueless, and more than likely doesn't realize that he's ignoring you completely. Wait it out, and give him some space. In no time at all, he'll involve you in a great conversation on the ethics behind the treatment of recovering drug addicts, as if no time had passed since your last discussion.
Q: My GRISSOM is constantly making one liners. However, after he does, he pauses and looks around, as if he's waiting for something. What should I do?
A: Humor him – the minute he makes another one of those one liners or slightly off-color puns, immediately run to the nearest stereo and play "Who Are You" by The Who. Your GRISSOM will then be satisfied that he got the last word and will resume whatever task he was doing previous.
Problem: Your GRISSOM doesn't respond when you call, and seems intent on staring at your lips when you talk.
Solution: Your GRISSOM has developed his mother's otosclerosis, and it is slowly causing him to go deaf. We recommend that you immediately send him back, where we can perform the necessary procedure to reverse the effects this disease has on his hearing; after which, we will return him to you, in good health and ready to go back to work. Please note: if you neglect to do this, we are no longer responsible for your GRISSOM model's loss of hearing. We recommend that you learn sign language, and quick.
Problem: Your GRISSOM has a habit of going into potentially dangerous situations completely unarmed, and you are worried for his safety.
Solution: Your GRISSOM forgets that he needs his handgun when clearing a crime scene, even though he is an excellent shot. There is no real way of helping him remember to carry one; instead, we recommend buying a CATHERINE or BRASS model – they have a knack for showing up to save your GRISSOM'S posterior in the nick of time.
Problem: Your GRISSOM has suddenly taken to staring at you/other women intently, he makes constant sexual innuendo and you catch him on some website called Lady Heather's Dominion at all hours of the night.
Solution: Your GRISSOM'S libido is in overdrive. If you can not take care of this yourself, we recommend purchasing a SARA SIDLE or LADY HEATHER unit to calm your GRISSOM down.
Your GRISSOM is guaranteed for the next 30-40 years, depending on the stress levels you decide to expose him to. If you force upon him a healthy diet of books, good food, and roller coasters, we see no reason for premature shutdown of your unit. There is also always the chance that your GRISSOM model may breed with your SARA SIDLE model; in which case, you will have a whole new generation of GRISSOM to enjoy.
We wish you all the best with your new purchase. Happy investigating!