Numb

Death. It was everywhere. It hung, heavy in the air, thick, oppressive, stifling. And Seras Victoria was right in the middle of it. Death seeped into her pores, dancing lithely about on her skin, leaving the vampress clammy and uncomfortable. Blood stained the walls, her clothing, her face, arms, legs, even clinging to various strands of her hair. Her head was bowed, shame radiating off of her in hot, glowing waves, tangible to any who cared to taste. The Police Girl's fists were clenched; body trembling, fear and self-loathing raging within her being. Why?

Why did she always have to be saved? Why was she still Kitten?

Alucard, her Master, her sire, her one, her only, stood before her. His crimson eyes burned with rage, the likes of which Seras had never before experienced.

"I'm tired of being what you want me to be…

Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface.

Don't know what you're expecting of me,

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes…"

Cautiously, hands shaking, the Police Girl tentatively reached out towards the elder vampire. The air of sorrow and shame increasing as she silently begged for forgiveness. Her Master's eyes seemed to light up, his rage increasing tenfold. Within her mind, she felt his anger, his own pain.

How very much he wanted her to become like himself… To be able to protect herself, and to no longer rely on her Master to save her… She could have handled this herself. Ghouls… They were… nothing… Nothing for a vampire, descended from Alucard… She could've… could've…

Seras took another step, another step, closer, her hand still outstretched, wanting acceptance, wanting him to feel the same way for her… Eyes burning with the distinct glow of disgust, he whipped around, turning from her; coat trailing after him as he visibly shunned her, denying her the forgiveness, the acceptance, she so desperately yearned for.

"(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you…

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow…"

The air was knocked from her lungs, her cheek stung, her heart shattered as he turned from her. Not a word was exchanged, and yet the Police Girl felt every ounce, every shred of anger and… no… Worse than anger, worse than shame. Disappointment. Alucard… was disappointed in her…

Turning, mind devoid of all rational thought, Seras ran. Out of the run-down, desolate building, away from the ghouls, the death, the blood, and the fresh, staggering pain.

"I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware,

I'm becoming this, all I want to do,

Is be more like me, and be less like you…"

Her entire body ached as she pumped, pumped, pumped her legs. She couldn't stop. There was no way. Seras knew… Once she stopped, the pain would return. It would land on her like a ton of bricks, like a crashing ocean wave. It would smother her, destroy her.

She wasn't ready for it.

The street she walked along was lonely. The lights overhead flickered on and off, and the weather seemed to only be getting colder.

Wrapping her thin, shaking arms around her torso, Seras continued on, head bowed against the wind as it whistled around, and through her. It mocked her, telling the world of her pathetic defeat. The night was so very cold, and Seras was so very alone. Head still lowered, the Police Girl no longer paid attention to where she walked. Her eyes seemed glazed over as they tracked the cracked, decaying cement beneath her.

Making a turn into what she figured would be another street, she was only slightly surprised to see an alley. Street, alley, what did it matter any more?

Sagging against the wall, though remaining standing, tears began to roll down her cheeks as she clutched at herself. Herself. That was all she had left. She was alone.

Hands slammed into the wall on either side of her head, and up jerked Seras' head. Freaks. Several of them, if she had to guess. The one pinning her to the wall brought his face in closer, a sly, dark grin adorning his features. Slowly, lazily, he brought his body closer, pressing up against hers, causing the broken vampress to shrink back against the wall.

"Can't you see that you're smothering me?

Holding to tightly, afraid to loose control

Cause everything that you though I would be,

Has fallen apart, right in front of you…"

Closer, closer, his mouth came close. Dangerously close. Seras began to hyperventilate, the various Freaks snickering at her predicament. Just as soon as their laughter began, however, it was silenced, gasps of shock replacing them.

Seras had brought her head up, her own crimson eyes glowing. Her Mater had eyes like that. With a scream that could rival any wild animal, she broke away, breaking the Freak's arms at the same time.

"(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow…)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you…

(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow...)

And every second I waste is more than I can take!"

Smashing the Freak's face whose arms she's just broken, Seras instantly ducked, fists from two other of his friends coming in to meet her. From her crouched position, the Police Girl whirled around, leg straight out, as she knocked them each to the ground. Jumping back up and moving as a blur, Seras leaped into the air, using another Freak's head as a jump start before slamming into his back with her foot and pushing off once more.

Shooting forward, she slammed her fist into another freak, shoving him against the wall and destroying his head at the same time. He collapsed into dust, followed closely behind by his brethren, each of whom met a rather painful end.

"I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware.

I'm becoming this, all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you…"

Standing there, in the dark, cold, lonely alley-way, covered in the Freak's blood, Seras didn't even notice, for quite some time, that she was no longer alone. Her breathing was heavy. Her fingernails had extended to become sharp, claw-like. Blood dripped from them. Drip. Drip. Drip. Tiny drops of crimson landing in a large pool of the thick liquid. Her bright red eyes remained alight, glowing as a feral growl escaped from her mouth.

Suddenly, as though a spell had been broken, Seras' head snapped up, her bangs no longer shrouding her face. Her eyes were clear, wide with fright. Bringing her soiled hands, the claws having retracted back into her hands, up to her face, she felt a choked sob rising in her throat.

Slowly she sank to her knees, bringing her blood-stained hands to the side of her head, holding it, digging her fingernails in as though she were in pain. Pain. There had been far too much pain that night already.

Tears began to roll down her cheek, leaving shining trails of crimson after them as they fell, mingling with the blood already shed. Pathetic. Forever she would pathetic.

"And I know

I may end up failing to…

But I know

You were just like me with someone disappointed in you!"

The sound of boots connecting with the cold, hard ground was familiar. Silent, yet so very loud to the young vampress. Her head remained bowed, self-loathing and anger floating about her. Her hands, still covered in the Freak's blood were set open, loose in her lap.

Seras looked like a doll. One that had shrunk over had given in. What else was left for her? Her Master cared nothing for her; to the Hellsing Corporation, she was worthless. A scared little pet Kitten who refused to drink her milk.

"I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware.

I'm becoming this, all I want to do,

Is be more like me and be less like you!"

Warm, gloved hands clasped gently at her shaking shoulders, pulling back up into a standing position. Without looking, Seras knew who it was.

Slowly, her Master wrapped his arms around her, and the Police Girl was vaguely surprised to find them warm. Yet the warmth did nothing to clear away the cold settling now far beneath her skin. It would remain there, buried in her bones, aching, gnawing, burning forever at the young vampress.

This had been her choice. Seras knew that it was inevitable. There was nothing left, but to accept it. She was numb. And there was nothing, nothing, her Master could do for her anymore.

"I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be…

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be…"

A/N: I actually wrote this for school... Not sure why I decided to write it. I suppose that it's because I heard the song and it just sort of... formed in my head. I apologize for not updating anything else recently. I could claim that it's school that's been tiring me out and leaving me with not time to write, but that would be a lie. The song is "Numb", by Linkin Park. And so, I remain, Cheza's Despair.