Title: Muddy Menstruation
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing(s): Ron/Hermione, one-sided Harry/Draco.
Word Count: 1070
Summary: Hermione has her period, Ron's on a mission to ask her out, and Harry's making a fatal decision.
Warnings: Course language, I think. Some slashy themes.
Notes: I have summarised, I have disclaimed. I don't know quite what else you expect me to say … um, enjoy? Actually, I do. This story is absolutely ludicrous. It was written to be ludicrous. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.
Hermione Granger was having a Bad Day.
She hadn't even left her room when it went from Quite-Average-Thank-You-Very-Much to Not-That-Great-Really.
Hermione liked to hold a balance between femininity and intelligence. She wore a hair ribbon and carried a book. They were always colour co-ordinated. Always.
But as Hermione filled her book bag, Parvati – the bitch – commented that they didn't match.
Hermione was thrown into a state of panic. There was no time to change one and fill her bag and she had to choose between them.
Ultimately, she did make the right decision – she couldn't sacrifice her reputation and social standing for the sake of a hair ribbon.
As Hermione ran down the stairs to meet Harry and Ron to go to class, she hoped Ron wouldn't notice. The one day he chose to notice that Hermione was, in fact, a girl for the second time in his life, could not be the same day she looked so ridiculous.
He didn't notice.
Nevertheless, Hermione's day immediately became Absolutely-Rubbish-Now-Never-Speak-To-Me-Again.
And it only got worse.
In Defence Against the Dark Arts, Harry made her fervently wish she hadn't been intelligent enough to discover his secret crush on Malfoy by discussing his arse for the entire period. Hermione was disgusted to realise she hadn't done any work.
After Potions, Malfoy called her a filthy Mudblood. Again. Hermione, surprising even herself, cried. Malfoy had the decency to look guilty. It wasn't so much that it hurt her feelings when people called her a Mudblood – in fact, Malfoy did it so often, she couldn't care less – it was just, well, Hermione was feeling a bit emotional.
At lunch, the day got relatively better when Parvati apologised with a big block of chocolate.
But the positive effects slowly wore away and Hermione was left at the end of the day with a headache, cramps like she'd never had before and a temper to match.
Ron Weasley had decided that it was time to confess something of monumental importance to his best friend and get some advice on what to do.
Sitting on his bed, Ron considered how he could possibly begin this conversation.
'Yeah?" the other boy replied.
"I, um, you know … I like Hermione … you know."
"I like her too, Ron. What's your point?"
Ron gulped. Harry liked Hermione too?
"Yeah, otherwise I'd be running around calling her Mudblood like Malfoy."
Oh. Oh. Phew.
"No … I-I don't … I don't mean like that."
"How do you mean it?" Harry asked, playing ignorant.
"I like Hermione."
Harry sighed, "Ron, everyone in the entire school except Hermione knows."
"Yes. I believe Dean and Seamus have a betting system up. If you ask her out by the end of term, I'll get fifty Galleons."
"I was going to share."
Ron laughed, and then remembered something he'd wanted to tell Harry about, "Oh, you know what I heard?"
"Malfoy's running around saying he has a secret admirer. Someone buying him flowers and chocolate and things."
"Oh, oh … really?" Harry asked in a very high voice.
"Are you alright, mate? You've gone red."
Harry laughed nervously, "Fine, fine, it's, uh, really hot in here."
Ron looked at him a little suspiciously but continued nonetheless, "What d'you reckon? I think he's making it up; it's his style."
"Yeah …yeah. Making it up … probably, the attention-seeking, blonde-haired, firm jawed … tight ars- I, uh, I mean, the bloody git."
"You sure you're okay?"
"I should get some fresh air!"
After the initial surprise of what had just occurred, Ron began to pace the dorm.
Should he ask Hermione?
Harry had seemed fairly certain she would accept.
Ron started towards the door.
But then, what would Harry know? He had less experience with girls than Ron did.
Well, what did he have to lose?
Actually, quite a lot – like his dignity for example – but Ron was prepared to cope with that.
It was time Hermione knew.
Harry sat in the common-room with Hermione. Everyone else was far too scared to stay in the same room as her, but Harry had no choice.
"I got my period today," Hermione moaned tearfully. "I feel awful."
"You can go shopping with Parvati and Lavender tomorrow. Buy some books – that will make you feel better," Harry soothed.
"I never want to do anything ever again. I have cramps and the most horrible heada- and who is thumping down the stairs so loudly?"
Ron appeared in the doorway of the staircase to the boys' dorms.
"Hermione! Just the girl I wanted to see!"
Harry shook his head frantically behind her back, mouthing; 'Not now! Don't!'
Ron ignored him.
Harry decided he didn't want to listen to his best friends' conversation at all.
Christmas was coming up and he thought he could buy something really special for Draco and tell him the truth about who his admirer was.
Or he could just hope to have another argument that ended with them tousling on the ground throwing punches. It'd worked last him with a simple comment about the other boy's father – not that he'd intended to say it; it'd just slipped out when Draco called his mother a Mudblood.
Maybe he should go for flowers instead. Or chocolate. He'd heard Draco loved coffee and blood flavoured lollypops too. He could buy him those…
Harry was distracted from his reverie by Hermione shouting furiously.
"YOU'RE SO INSENSITIVE, RON!"
She threw a badly aimed book at his head and stormed from the common-room.
Harry stifled his sniggers.
"I…" Ron started, still gaping after Hermione. "I … have no idea. I was in the middle of asking her out and … and then Neville came in and Hermione said something rude so I told him it was okay and she didn't mean it 'cause she just had PMS and then she threw a book at my head!"
Ron frowned, "There's no need to be sarcastic."
"No … you're right, it was completely inappropriate."
Ron frowned harder, "You sound an awful lot like Malfoy when you do that, Harry."
"Well you look an awful lot like Hermione when you frown like that."
There was a pause.
"Do you think I should try asking her out tomorrow, Harry?"
Harry laughed, "I'd wait at least a week, Ron. At least a week."