A/N: I don't own Eva, Gainax, Santa, Christmas, or anything featured in the story. This is just some random evangelion bits with a Christmas theme and some loose things holding them together. Is it good? Uh………I plead the fifth.Random Eva Christmas Twas the night before Christmas and all through the base
There were no smiles
Cept on Gendo's face
The pilots had worked been working hard
Without a bit of thanks
Not even a card
They'd been running synch tests
Without any rest
And Asuka was still claiming she was the best
When all of a sudden came a drunken yell
Twas Misato raising raising hell
As in most stories she was drunker than drunk
And her breath gave off a terrible funk
Which caused the NERV staff to make their heads sunk
Apparently her booze was gone
Switching her "Drunken tirade switch" to "on"
Without even a cry of "sup"
"HYUGA! WOULD YOU SHUT THE FCK UP?" Misato screamed.Sorry Misato I'm in the holiday mood
Ain't no reason for your bad attitude
After beating the NERV technician to a pulp, Misato smoothed her clothes out and muttered, "terrible funk my ass."
This very odd moment was broken up by screams from the pilots.
"Help! I can't breath!" Shinji screamed, "there's something wrong with the LCL!"
"EWWWW…. this stuff is disgusting!" screamed Asuka.
"I believe I am dying." Rei said quite calmly.
"Quick! Drain the plugs and get the pilots out of there!" Ritsuko ordered. This wasn't right, Ritsuko thought. The pilots should be used to LCL by now, what could be causing this?
The pilots breathed a sigh of relief as they exited their plugs, well, except for Shinji, he had passed out from breathing in the strange substance.
The whole NERV staff, except for Gendo of course, surrounded the fallen pilot. Asuka looked at Shinji and thought, "Now's my chance, I can finally kiss Shinji the way I've always wanted to, and I can just say I'm giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."
Six miutes later….
Shinji slowly regained his senses, he felt that he was naked, and someone was pressing their lips against his and breathing into him. He fantasized for a bit, hoping that it was Rei or, though there was no way in hell she would do it, Asuka. He opened his eyes, and was mortified when he saw that sub-commander Fyutski was the one who was breathing into him.
"AHHHHHH!" Shinji screamed as he pushed the sub-commander off of him. It was only then he realized that he was surrounded by the entire staff of NERV all who were snickering or, like Asuka, were mortified as well.
Let's rewind that about five minutes shall we?
"Pilot Sohryu, why are you making out with the third child?" Fyutski calmly enquired.
"WHAT? I would never even THINK of kissing this pervert, I'm just trying to save him with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation." Asuka replied with nervous sweat growing on her brow.
"Then why are you putting your tongue down his throat and moaning his name?"
"I would never do that!"
10 seconds earlier….
Fast-forward 10 seconds…
"In any case, that is NOT how to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Now, who actually knows how to do it?" Fyutski asked. Seeing nobody reply, he continued asking, "oh come on! Where's the medical staff?"
"They left for the day." Said a random technician.
"What the…" Although perplexed as to why the medical staff of a place that was so accident-prone would leave early, Fyutski decided to just drop the subject. "So am I the only one who knows first aid?"
The crowd nodded.
"You owe me big Ikari." Fyutski muttered.
Under his bridged hands, Gendo smiled.
"Okay," Fyutski said, we need to get him out of this tight clothing so…."
"AHHHHHH!" Shinji screamed.
"It's okay Shinji," Misato said, "We had to give you mouth-to-mouth and Fyutski was the only one who knew how."
Shinji then threw up for about an hour.
During that time…
"So Ritsuko, what was up with the plugs?" Misato asked as Shinji heaved up every spare bit of food.
"Yes," said the scientist, "apparently, the plugs became contaminated with eggnog, though I have no idea how it got mixed in with the LCL."
"Huh, wonder if it had anything to do with the barrels of it I threw into the main LCL pool."
"WHAT! YOU threw the eggnog into the pool?!" Ritsuko exclaimed, "that eggnog was meant for the Christmas party, and you threw it into the LCL?"
"I don't like the taste of it," Misato replied.
"So just because you don't like eggnog, you threw all 1500 GALLONS of it into the LCL?"
"Yep, it was non-alchoholic."
Ritsuko's mouth dropped. Her friend's ignorance and alcoholism could still surprise her. She sighed as she tried to comprehend how long it would take to remove the eggnog from the LCL.
"Well, Ritsy, I'm going to go and try to think of ways to further ruin Shinji and Asuka's lives. See ya!" Misato said as she walked away.
Ritsuko sighed and lit up a new cigarette. She felt sorry for Shinji and Asuka, living with Misato must be a never-ending hell. At least Rei did'nt live with her, that would be… "oh shit!" Ritsuko screamed, "the clones!" She hurried down past the eva graveyard and towards the tank. If Misato had dumped the nog into the main pool, then the clones would have been the first to…
To her dismay, the Rei clones were gasping as they breathed in the mixture of eggnog and LCL. As their faces turned blue she muttered, "Well, we can always make more."
After Shinji's vomiting ended………
"Here pilot Ikari," said Rei Ayanami, as she handed Shinji a change of clothes. "Misato said it would be best if you covered your "bits and pieces."
"I'm sorry Rei." Shinji said as he covered himself up.
"Goodbye." Rei said dismissively as she walked away
Shinji cried as he changed clothes, he had been completely humiliated today and he still had school tomorrow. In addition, he was pretty sure he wasn't getting anything from Misato or Asuka for Christmas. "Oh well, at least I can give them the presents I got them." Shinji thought, that is, right before he tripped and fell into his own pile of puke.
"My life sucks" He thought.
Meanwhile in Gendo's office….
Gendo smiled as he decorated the tree. "Everything is going according to my scenario" he chuckled.
A/N: Okay, not that funny, but I'll try to get it to pick up. Next up: "Of Christmas Cakes and KFC."