Author's note: I do not own Harry Potter, Vampire Hunter D, or Evil Dead. They are the property of their respective owners. Also I don't know the geography of Harry Potter's world very well so I am making it up.
Harry, Ron and Hermione were curious. Dumbledore had just pulled them out of Potions and they couldn't figure out why. As they made their way to his office Dumbledore appeared in front of them. "Ah, there you are. I pulled you three out of class because I have a very dangerous mission for you to complete. Apparently Voldermort is planning a major strike on our world so I'm going to send you three to get his Horcruxes and stop him, lemon drop?" Dumbledore said.
"Err…no thanks Headmaster. Why are you sending us?" Harry asked.
"Well Mr. Potter, you three have the best chance of success in this mission. If I went Voldemort would know and then strike the school, which I cannot allow. Don't worry, I've procured some bodyguards for you. They are the best of the best. They should be in my office right now." Dumbledore replied, opening the door to his office.
There was a familiar man in the office. "Hey kiddos, remember me?" said a voice in a smug tone which the trio would never forget.
"Hello, Ash. Um, why are you here again?" Hermione said.
"Well, Shorty, Gramps here told me about this mission your going on and I didn't have anything else to do so I was in." Ash said, coming up to Hermione. He took her hand and kissed it.
"She's spoken for, remember?" Ron said between clenched teeth.
"Don't get your panties in a bunch, Red. She's not my type." Ash smiled. "You guys ready to go save the world?" The three looked at each other warily.
"Where is the second bodyguard, Headmaster?" Hermione asked.
"I've been here the entire time." A voice said in a tone like steel. Stepping out of the shadows came the most gorgeous young man Hermione had ever seen. He looked like God Himself had made him His most perfect creation. He had a long sword strapped to his back, limning in a graceful curve. Around his neck hung a blue pendant and he was dressed in black with an odd hat on his head. "I'm D, the Hunter."
Ash turned to Ron and whispered "I don't think your girlfriend is going to be yours for long when a guy like that's around, Red."
D turned to Ash and held out his left hand. The hand suddenly became a face with tiny eyes and a mouth. "Hello there, I'm Left Hand but you can call me Lefty."
Ash stood there dumbfounded. "What the hell kind of freak are you buddy?"
"This coming from a guy who has a chainsaw for a right hand." Lefty said, chuckling.
"I'm going to start calling you Stumpy if you don't shut the hell up." Ash yelled into Left Hand's face.
"That's enough." D's voice cut through the argument. "I apologize, he can be annoying but valuable."
"Okay, well just tell him to shut up around me." Ash said. He then turned to the kids. "Okay these guys are Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Or as I like to call them Four eyes, Red, and Shorty. And I'm Ash Willams, Housewares."
"One more thing about me that you should know, I'm a dhampir or a half human, half vampire." D said.
Dumbledore took note of the shocked expressions on the four friends faces. "Rest assured that D here has the most incredible self control of anyone I've ever met."
"Look Dr. Phil, self controls all fine and dandy but that won't be any comfort to me when we're out there fighting who knows what and Mr. Fancypants here decides he wants a snack." Ash said, glaring at D.
"Mr. Willams, I can assure you that nothing will happen to you because of D." Dumbledore said, ushering them out of his office. "I've arranged horses for your journey as Voldemort would be aware of your prescense if you flew or Apparated."
Dumbledore led them to the courtyard. There were five horses waiting for them, among these there was one that looked like a cyborg horse. It was huge and black. All of the horses were laden with supplies. D went to his horse and checked his bags. Everything was in order. Dumbledore gave each of them a map and then he turned to Ash. "Now Mr. Willams at the first Horcrux location there is a graveyard and you need to recite certain words to take the Horcrux from this area. The words are Kanda Brisco Nicto."
"Kanda Brisco Nicto." Ash repeated.
"I got it, I got it. Just so you know Gramps I happen to be an expert at this mystic word crap."
"Very well, then I wish you all godspeed and good luck." Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eye. The companions all left heading towards the Forbidden Forest as the sun sank low in the west.
Ash was excited. Ever since he got back home his life had been very boring. He used to love working at S-mart but it had gotten motonous. Then Gramps had contacted him for this mission. Now this will be fun. Ash thought. He decided to name his horse Comet after a horse on some Tv show he had seen back home. He had his boomstick, his chainsaw, and there were no Deadites around. Life was sweet.
D was scouting ahead of the group. He wasn't happy or excited or anything. This was just another battle in a life filled with them. Left Hand was upset with Ash and D couldn't blame him, the man was arrogant and a loud mouth. But D had met worse on his travels.
"I swear that overgrown snot nosed punk is so annoying." Lefty said.
"I think you two got along well. And anyway now you know how I feel about you." D said.
"But I don't act like I'm Mr. Perfect or swagger about." Lefty replied.
"You can't even if you wanted to." D smiled wryly.
"Changing the topic, how about that girl with us, eh?" Left Hand said.
"Be quiet. You never did know when to shut up." D said.
"C'mon you're tempted. I know you, I mean there isn't a woman in the world who wouldn't bare her throat to you." The hand wheezed.
D didn't reply. Instead he squeezed his hand until cries of pain could be heard. Wheeling his horse around to the others D said "This is a good spot to rest as any."
Harry, Ron, and Hermione started a fire with their wands. D was hunting for food and Ash was taking wood from the forest. Ron and Hermione went to one side of the campfire and summoned a tent. Ash came up to Harry. "Hey Four eyes, what's going on?" Ash said.
"I just feel like I'm left out all the time." Harry said, pointing to the tent.
"Hey, don't turn into angst boy on me here. I mean those two have a pretty deep relationship going on but that's no reason to sit here and act like the poster child for antidepressants. Think how they must feel. I mean you're the Chosen One. You get all the attention and they're the sidekicks. But don't worry, I'm a chosen one too and we have to stick together." Ash said.
"Guess you're right." Harry said.
"Of course I am. Now let's get some shut eye." Ash said, moving to one side of the campfire.
"Ash, I could conjure a tent for you." Harry said.
"No thanks, ever since that night in the cabin I can't be in a house or tent in the woods." Ash said.
Harry summoned a tent, went in, and slept.
Ron was confused. He didn't know how he was going to be any help on this mission. He wasn't a gifted wizard, he was average. The only thing he was good at was chess and that most likely would not help any of them. He turned to Hermione.
"What am I doing here? I mean I'm not good at anything. Not like you or Harry. I'm just extra baggage."
Hermione looked Ron in the face. Her brown eyes were soft and kind. "Now Ronald, don't go acting worthless in front of me. I know that you are a great wizard and your always there for your friends. I mean we have Ash with us and if that macho jerk is here then you belong here as well." Hermione smiled at Ron.
"I guess your right, Mione, as usual. Goodnight, love."
"Goodnight." Hermione said, snuggling into Ron's arms.
The next day Ash, Harry, Hermione, and Ron were riding along and D was scouting ahead. The forest was dense and they couldn't see very far ahead. Suddendly they heard rustiling all around them. Then they were surrounded by thirty creatures. They were garbed in loincloths and had flint spears in their hands. They were elves. Hermione, as the head of S.P.E.W., tried to talk the elves into letting the party pass through. Ash got pissed. "Okay Shorty, you've had your turn. Now it's mine." Ash got off his horse and looked around at the elves. "Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up!" Ash withdrew his shotgun from his back holster. "See this? This is my BOOMSTICK!" Ash fired off a round into the air. The elves were shaking with fear. "It's a 12 gauge double barrled Remington. S-mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids,Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, colbalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart, you got that! Now I swear the next one of you primates even touches me…Yeah!!" Ash screamed, firing his boomstick again. All the elves scattered to the winds. "That's how you deal with primitives." Ash said, coming up to Hermione.
"Ashley, you bloody git! If you used your head more than your gun maybe you wouldn't get hurt so much." Hermione screamed, poking Ash in the chest.
Ash caught her hand. "First off Shorty, no one and I mean no one can call me Ashley except for Cheryl and she's dead. Second, I can do whatever the hell I please if I need to survive." Ash turned away, his eyes reflecting deep pain and anger.
Hermione stormed off, confused. Ron and Harry just stood there gaping. D came back and saw them standing there. "What happened?" D asked.
"We were surrounded by primitives but don't worry your pretty little head, I scared them off." Ash said.
"Yeah, one look at your face and I'd be scared too." Left Hand remarked.
"Will you tell that little bastard to shut up!" Ash yelled.
Left Hand went dormant. D turned to Harry and Ron. "Where's the girl?"
"I'm here, D." Hermione said, coming out of the woods. "I just had to blow off some steam." Hermione looked at Ash and started to say something but then they moved out.
At the campfire that night, Ash was sitting alone thinking of Cheryl, his little sister. Having to kill her was just as bad as killing Linda. Ash took out the necklace he gave to Linda and thought about both of them. He looked up when he heard someone approaching. Hermione came up to him and sat down. "Ash, I'm sorry for what I said back there, I didn't mean to cause you anymore pain." Hermione said.
"I'm sorry too Shorty. It's just you remind me so much of Cheryl, always bossing me around and thinking she knew more than I did. I hated it when people called me Ashley but I let her do it because hey, she was my sister. I only told you about Linda before but the truth was there were others up there in the cabin. Cheryl tried to warn us but by then it was too late. Do you know what it's like having to kill your best friend and your sister? I felt like I was killing part of myself when I killed them." Ash looked into the fire as he confessed this to Hermione. She was silent and hugged him. Ash pulled her to him. They stayed there for a little bit and then Ron walked up to the fire.
"Thanks Hermione, I needed that. And don't worry Red, I'm not taking your girl, she was just helping me get some closure. Catch ya later, babe." Ash said pecking Hermione on the cheek and going to bed instantly.
Hermione blushed when she heard Ash say Ron's nickname. "Don't worry Mione, I know you don't love that guy. You were just helping him out."
"I never knew he had a sister. He may act all tough on the outside but he's hurting like crazy on the inside. It's a wonder he can even go on living." Hermione said.
"Ash is a survivor. He always overcomes whatever is thrown at him. Anyway, I'll try and not be so jealous. I just don't want to lose you now that we've found each other." Ron said.
"Don't worry about that, darling." Hermione said.
Ron smiled as they went to sleep.
On the third day of their journey the graveyard was finally in sight. It was a decrepit graveyard with headstones decaying and weeds covering the ground. A rusty fence covered the grounds. It looked as if the dead did not rest in peace here. The party members went to the center of the graveyard and saw the Horcrux on a pedestal. It was a book. Ash approached the pedestal.
"I hope you remembered the words, Ash." Harry said.
"Don't worry Four eyes, I've got it." Ash said. He grabbed the book and said Kanda Brisco N-, I know it stated with an N." Ash smiled. The others all groaned. "I've got it. Kanda Brisco Nicoughcough!!" Ash stopped and looked around. Seeing nothing amiss he grabbed the Horcrux. "See guys nothing to worry about." Just then the ground split open and skeletons surrounded the party members.
"You were saying, Ash?" Hermione commented.
D leapt into the air. His cape flew about him, making him seem like a mystic bird. When he landed he had killed 8 skeletons. Ron, Harry, and Hermione were casting stunning spells letting D slice the rest. Ash just laughed at the trio. "Guys this way is a lot more fun." Saying this Ash revved up the chainsaw and ran into the throng slicing and dicing every which way. After 2 minutes had passed every single skeleton was destroyed. D had killed most of them.
"How in the hell do you move so fast, pretty boy?" Ash asked D.
"You should think about something else." D replied coldly.
"Fine, Count Chocula here dosen't want to share his secrets." Ash said grumpily.
"Well, I think we've all learned one very important lesson here today." Hermione said.
"And what's that Shorty?" Ash quipped.
"You are never going to be given any important information ever again. You are hopeless at that sort of thing." Hermione said.
"Fine, have it your way. Just don't come crying to momma when you need my help." Ash said, going to Comet.
"I swear that guy belongs in an insane asylum." Left Hand said.
"Hey, you have a problem why don't you scurry over here and say it to my face!" Ash yelled.
Suddendly the maps that Dumbledore had given them started to glow and the maps were revealed to be scrying portals for Dumbledore to inform the party of where to go next. Dumbledore spoke one word. "Azkaban."
"Where in the hell is Azkaban?" Ash aked.
"Azkaban is the wizards prison. It houses dark wizards guarded by dementors. It's also on an island in the middle of the ocean." Ron said.
"Well, the way you say it makes it seem like a tourist attraction." Ash said. "So where are we going to get a boat?"
"Magic, of course." Hermione said, looking at Ash as if he was mentally challenged.
Riding west from the graveyard the party came upon a coastline. Using their wands Harry, Ron, and Hermione created a boat large enough for all five of them and their horses.
The rest of the day passed without incident. Except Ash, Ron, and Harry puking their guts out over the railing of the ship, that is. "What's this? The great Ash can't hold down his lunch? Pinch me, I must be dreaming." Left Hand said.
"Well, if you keep on yammering me and old double barrel here will blow your butt to kingdom come. See if we don't." Ash said weakly.
"That's enough you two. We can't afford to be arguing at a time like this." Hermione said, coming out of the cabin.
"Who died and made you God, Shorty?" Ash said.
"Someone around here has to be mature." Hermione said.
"What about pretty boy? Why don't you get in his face? In fact I think he acts more mature than you." Ash replied.
Hermione turned red. "D doesn't act foolish all the time. He doesn't strut around. And he doesn't antagonize us. Just for one night I'd like to not hear any arguments okay?"
Ash didn't reply. It's hard to reply when you're passed out. Harry and Ron dragged Ash to bed before they too nodded off, leaving Hermione and D alone. The moon was full and white looking like a pearl in the middle of an ocean of stars. D looked like he had been carved from the moon. His mood was pensive as Hermione came beside him. "What are you thinking about?" Hermione said.
"I was just thinking that you should be in bed, Miss Granger." D replied.
"You don't have to be so cold, it was just a question." Hermione said angrily.
"Actually I was thinking about the conversation you and Mr. Willams were having."
"And what does that have to do with anything?" Hermione asked.
"I just observed that you need to lighten up more and not be so controlling. Not everything in life can be explained rationally. Sometimes one has to act and not think." D said. "And if your worried about any of the others listening in on this conversation, don't be. They went to sleep awhile ago. I can hear them breathing."
"You can hear that?"
"And the voice of the wind in the forests, the devils in Hell, and the angels in Heaven." D said. Suddendly Hermione ran up to D and threw her arms around him.
He's so cold. Maybe I can warm him up. Hermione thought. D put his arms on her shoulders and pushed her away from him.
"Miss Granger, I don't know what your going through right now, but running to me won't solve anything. There's someone far more qualified for that job. You know who it is. Now, time to sleep." D said, taking his left hand and laying it on her forehead. Hermione instantly fell asleep.
"Well, there's a case of déjà vu, she was reaching out to you just like that girl with the bratty brother and what do you do? Reject her of course. You know one of these days you'll meet a woman who you won't be able to resist. I can't wait for that." Left Hand chuckled.
"Be quiet." D replied forcefully. He took Hermione to her bed and then resumed his watch on the deck.
Ash woke up the next day feeling woozy. Damn ocean, damn Gramps, and damn seasickness. Ash thought. Going up to the deck, Ash saw that it was covered in green blood. What the hell? Ash thought coming upon D, who was reclining on a chair. D looked up as Ash appeared before him. "Did you decide to redecorate the boat while we were sleeping, pretty boy?" Ash said pointing to the carnage.
"Some mermen came onboard. I killed them. Don't worry about it." D said.
"Oh, that's it. On top of puking my guts out now I have to watch my back for the little mermaid and her brothers?" Ash said.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione came up and looked around at the gore.
"What happened?" Harry asked.
"Apparantely, Four eyes, Mr. Fancypants here killed some mermen that were trying to kill us last night."
"Don't worry about it anymore. I don't leave enemies in my wake." D said coldly.
"Fine, Shorty you think you can clean this up?" Ash said.
"Yes, Ash I could but I'm not going to." Hermione said, conjuring a mop and bucket. Giving them to Ash she said "You are."
"What are you, my mother?" Ash said.
"Someone has to be, since you have the maturity level of a child." Hermione said.
"Be quiet, something's coming." D said.
"What?" Harry asked.
"A kraken, most likely." D said.
As soon as D was finished talking, gigantic tentacles sprang out of the water. D took to the air and started chopping tentacles off left and right. But there were a lot and even D couldn't get them all. Ron, Hermione, and Harry were setting the tentacles on fire and Ash was slicing and shooting to his heart's content. One tentacle grabbed Hermione and lifted her into the air. Ash and D saw this and ran towards Hermione. D jumped up and grabbed her while Ash sliced the tentacle in two. Then the kraken's head came up out of the water, right in front of Ash. It wasn't really a head, more like a maw lined with rows and rows of teeth with a groping tongue in the center. It roared and Ash got covered in slime. He was pissed off now. "Hello beastie, let me introduce you to my boomstick." Ash said removing his shotgun. Yelling at the top of his lungs he ran forward into the mouth firing as he went. The kraken swallowed him up.
"Ash!!" the trio yelled. D held up a hand.
"Wait, he's not dead yet." D said. He leapt on top of the kraken's head and stabbed down into it's brain. It's death throes were horrible. It nearly destroyed the ship. Suddendly, there came a buzzing from its throat. A chainsaw carved its way out of the creature and then Ash appeared covered in gore.
"Get me a damn towel, guys!" Ash yelled.
"I have a better solution." Hermione said, conjuring a hose and spraying Ash with water.