A month in the life of Son Goku – March
A/N: Sorry it's taken so long for me to put up… I was banned from the Internet for a time… stupid curfew…. Anyway, here it is. I know you guys have liked it so far, but this MAY be the last month… and I'm sorry it kinda ends a little early, but I'm happy with the ending I gave it. I don't know if I'll write more, but you never know… So anyway, enough of me going on and on, here it is, the final month of the diary of Son Goku… Hope you like it!
Sanzo visited again today. This time I was awake. I asked him why he was visiting and he said it was because he cared about me and wanted me to get better. I don't know why, but this pissed me off. I told him to go fuck a zebra… I still don't know why I used zebra…. Ah well…
The girls visited me and I let Lirrin paint my toenails. Yeone congratulated me on doing a fine job of pissing Sanzo off. She said that he looked real depressed. The idea made me grin. Sanzo hurt me, so it's only fair that I hurt him back, right?
Sanzo didn't visit me today. Part of me is glad, but another, much smaller part, is disappointed. I had hoped that he'd try harder to… to what, I don't know. I blame the pain meds… or I would if I HAD ANY. Hakkai has been healing me and he said that I don't need pain meds anymore. I knew I didn't need them, but they made all my problems go away and for once I was happy. Gojyo said that beer has the same effect and I asked him for some. He said that I was too young, and when I pointed out that I'm way older than him, he said that I'd give Lirrin ideas and Kougaiji wouldn't like that very much. I had to agree with him there.
I will be allowed out of bed tomorrow. Hakkai said that I'm healing very well. It was my stomach again. I was stabbed straight through and they had to snap the spear to get it out of me. It hurt like hell, but now it's almost painless.
Sanzo didn't even try to talk to me today. Lirrin and Yeone said that he had locked himself in his room and that he wont even come out for food. This got me worried. Sure, he'd hurt me, but that didn't mean that I want him to kill himself. If it wasn't for Hakkai and Yeone holding me back, I would've gone to him.
I got out of bed at five thirty this morning. I went to Sanzo's room and knocked on the door. When there was no answer, I turned the handle. It was locked, so I picked at it. Finally, the door swung open. I walked inside and stood before Sanzo's bed. He was awake, I knew that. He wasn't a heavy sleeper, and so me walking into the room, most likely woke him.
"Sanzo," I said. He rolled over to glare at me.
"What?" He asked, his voice hard.
That was a good question. What? Why was I here? I didn't know. After a short time, I just sighed and sat on the bed. "I don't know… I just wanted to be near you." I told him. Then, not for the first time, I spoke without thinking. "You may not love me, but I love you." Whoopsie!
He gave me a funny look before sitting up. He swung his legs over the side of the bed so that he was sitting beside me. After what seemed like hours passed, he finally spoke. "I-I'm sorry that I hurt you." He said quietly. "I didn't want to hurt you. The truth is… I don't know what I feel for you…"
Okaaaaay, so not what I wanted to hear, but it was a start. I turned to look at him. "I don't like this… how it is between us." I told him. "I like how it was, before you said those nasty things."
He looked at me then. "Goku… I don't know if I love you, or if I ever will… you deserve better than me." He said, more than a little sadly.
So was this what he really thought? That he wasn't good enough for me? What a load of bullshit. "Yeah right." I said. "That may be the case, but I certainly don't want anyone else." I told him.
He kissed me then. It was short, but sweet. After he pulled back, he looked into my eyes. "Take me back." He said.
I knew that if there was anyone else around, he wouldn't have shown this side of himself. He only ever acted this way for me. It made me feel special. However, I shook my head. "I don't know if I could do that just now," I told him. There was a look of utter disappointment on his face. "I love you and all, but you hurt me." I told him. "You said you only wanted me for sex, and I don't want to be in a relationship like that."
Without saying anything else, I walked away and went straight to my room. Lirrin and Yeone visited me and I decided not to tell them what Sanzo had said. All I told them was that Sanzo had apologised and asked for me back. Their advice was to wait a while and see if he really wanted me, and not the sex. I think I'll take their advice.
I haven't seen Sanzo since our talk this morning. I hope things go well for us… but I'm not sure if they will or not.
Due to my being injured, we have to stay in town for a little while longer.
Sanzo hasn't talked to me since our talk yesterday. I'm kinda grateful, but I miss him. No! I have to be strong. Sanzo was using me. I have to make sure that if I'm to take him back, it has to be because he wants me, not my body.
Sanzo still hasn't talked to me. Part of me is glad, and another, much smaller part, was disappointed. I really want him back, but I won't take him if he only wants sex. I can't go to anyone for advise on this… it would mean telling them everything.
We were finally travelling again today. And for the first time in ages, I was sat beside Gojyo. He kept telling me to do things and I just did them. I was thinking too much to be bothered with arguing with him. When we stopped for lunch, I told them that I wasn't hungry and I went for a walk.
I walked for a while before I realized that I was being followed. I could tell who it was by the sound of their footsteps.
"What do you wasn't Sanzo?" I asked without turning around.
Sanzo grabbed my shoulder to stop me walking. That was when I turned and pulled out of his grip.
"Honestly…?" Sanzo asked, looking directly into my eyes. "You."
My eyes widened in surprise then turned to a glare. I glared at him. "My body you mean." I said angrily. That was all he wanted, just a sex toy. I am no sex toy.
Sanzo shook his head. "No… I want you…" He said quietly. For some reason, I didn't believe him. I wanted to, but I couldn't.
Shaking my head, I walked away. "It's too late for that… you said some nasty things…" With that said, I walked away.
A short time later, Sanzo followed me.
Sanzo hasn't talked to me since yesterday. I think I hurt his feelings. I feel guilty about that. But I can't take him back, not 'til I'm sure. When I woke up this morning, I went down for breakfast. Only Sanzo was there. As soon as I saw him, I turned around and walked up the stairs, only to be stopped by Sanzo calling my name.
I froze. A glare on my face, I turned to face him. "What?" I asked angrily.
"Stop it." He demanded.
"What!?" Stop what? I wondered.
"This. Look, I know I said some things that weren't nice, but stop this. Stop acting as if I don't exist." He walked to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. "Please."
I still couldn't forgive him. I pulled away and shook my head before walking away. Before I was out of earshot, I said over my shoulder, "It hurts for me to think any other way." I told him.
When I woke up this morning, I looked around confused. The last thing I remember was travelling. Looking around, I noticed that Sanzo was lying with his head on my bed. Hakkai walked in and told me what happened.
We had been attacked. There were over a thousand demons and there were only eight of us. By the time there was only a few left, Sanzo had run out of bullets. Hakkai told me that I saw a demon going for Sanzo. I must've pushed Sanzo out of the way, because I was attacked by it and thrown off a cliff. Sanzo threw himself off the cliff after me and caught both me and a branch coming out of the side of the cliff face. He broke his arm and I have several brakes and fractures. Apparently, I had been unconscious for three days.
I was about to ask where we were, when Sanzo woke up. He blinked up at me for a few seconds before throwing his uninjured arm around me and held me close. I was surprised and it took me a little while to respond. I gently put one of my arms around him as the other was broken.
Sanzo pulled back and looked at me, unshed tears shining in his eyes. "Don't ever do that again!" He demanded. "You nearly died," He explained at my confused expression. "For me… Don't do that again!" He buried his head in my shoulder and I felt the fabric on my shirt become wet as the tears Sanzo was burying finally fell.
I held him for several minutes as he cried. I was completely surprised at his actions. He had obviously been worried for me. But he only wanted me for sex… right? Why should he care if I get injured? There are plenty of people that he can use for that…
This got me thinking, was it possible that he cared about me, not my body, or my skills in bed, but me?
Sanzo slept by my bed again last night. I woke up and saw him sleeping hunched over in a very uncomfortable position. I don't know why, but I found my hand reaching out to stroke his hair. He jumped awake. He looked at me, a startled expression on his face.
"You're awake…" He said. I had to fight myself from saying 'Duuh'. He smiled at me for a second, then his expression turned serious. "I'm sorry." He told me.
I looked at him for a moment before responding. "You were worried about me…" I said. "Why?"
Sanzo sent me a weird look that seemed to say 'what the hell do you think?' before answering me. "Because I care about you." He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"But you only wanted to use me…" I said confused. Sanzo shook his head.
"I said that because I was confused and afraid." He admitted. "I didn't mean it…"
I looked him directly in the eyes. He seemed sincere, but I couldn't be sure. "And how do I know that you're not lying now…?" I asked, looking away from him.
"You just have to trust me."
With that, he used his uninjured hand to pull me into a gentle embrace. "Just know that I care for you." He whispered in my ear. I let him hold me for some time before I pulled back.
"Things will always be different between us now." I told him. "It's never gonna be how it was. But we can make something work." I lay down. "But right now, I need to sleep." It wasn't a lie, I was tired. Sanzo nodded and leaned back in his chair.
"You know, a bed is more comfortable…" I told him.
He just shrugged. "Yeah, but I'm staying by your side."
I smiled at him. If he wanted to be uncomfortable, then I had no reason to stop him… right? With that thought in mind, I went to sleep and didn't wake up until nine o'clock at night. By then, Sanzo was once again asleep with his head on my bed.
When I woke up this morning, Sanzo was curled up against me. I wonder when he had climbed into bed with me. If it wasn't for the fact that he was leaning on my broken arm, I would've probably let him stay there, and I would defiantly've enjoyed it. But as it was, he was causing me great pain. As soon as I woke up, I was crying out in pain.
This woke Sanzo and he quickly moved. I managed to keep my cries of pain to a small whimper as I held my arm close.
"Goku!" Hakkai said as he ran into the room. He healed me and my pain stopped. Hakkai then turned to Sanzo and told him off for aggravating my injuries. And before Sanzo could say another word, Hakkai had sent him off to bed to let his own injuries to heal.
I didn't get to talk to him again today…. I wish I could've. Well… there's always tomorrow. I'm allowed out of bed for a couple of hours tomorrow, so maybe I can see him then.
When I woke up, Kougaiji and Doku were just coming into my room. Just because I'm injured, it seems that I have no privacy anymore. Maybe I could just get a lock… maybe I should….
Anyway, Doku and Kou felt guilty for not coming to see me earlier. I told them that I didn't really mind, and that I probably wouldn't've appreciated it if they did, so that made them feel better. As soon as they left, Lirrin and Yeone came to visit me. They didn't leave for over an hour, and that was when I was finally able to go see Sanzo.
He was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. He didn't look at me when I entered, only spoke. "I didn't think you'd want to see me after I hurt you again."
This confused me. "Do you mean you meant to hurt me?" I asked. Sanzo sat bolt up right and looked at me.
"NO! I never meant to hurt you!" He said. "Please believe me!"
For once, I did. I nodded and sat down beside him. Being careful not to bang either of our broken arms, I leaned against him. I felt his arm go around me as he held me closer. "I believe you." I whispered before looking up at his face and leaning forward.
I was just about to kiss him when he shook his head. "I don't ever want to hurt you again," He said. "Right now, I wouldn't be able to trust myself. If you kiss me now, I doubt I could hold back." While he was speaking, he was leaning closer and closer. He stopped millimetres from me. I smiled and backed off.
At least he warned me and left room for me to back out. Even if I wanted sex right now, I don't think either of us are fit for it. Neither of us are very healthy.
So instead of a kiss, we settled for another hug. I finally felt myself relax, for the first time since this whole argument started. For some reason, I felt like crying. Sanzo held me as I did so. At first, he tried asking me why I was crying, but when I told him over and over that I didn't know, he went quiet and just held me.
When I finished crying, I sat up and smiled at him shakily. "Sorry," I said as I wiped my eyes. Sanzo smiled at me and cupped my cheek, wiping away my tears with his sleeve.
"For what?" He asked. I gestured to my tears. He just shook his head. "Don't worry about that." He chuckled slightly. "Just as long as it wasn't me who caused them…" He frowned.
"It's not coz of you." I told him. I was beginning to feel drowsy, so I stood to leave. "I'm gonna go back to bed now, I'm tired." I told him. "But… just before I go to bed…" I leaned over and placed my lips against his for a brief kiss. When my eyes opened up again, Sanzo was doing the same. His eyes fluttered open and he licked his lips slightly. Before he would have to control himself, I left.
I went back to my room and wrote in my diary.
When I woke up, Sanzo was once again sleeping with his head on my bed. I smiled and ran my hand through his hair. This woke him up. He smiled at me slightly. "Good morning." He said softly. I smiled at him before repeating his words to him. It felt so right to wake up beside him… even if he wasn't in the bed. This was when I realized that my hand was still in his hair. Grinning sheepishly, I went to remove it but Sanzo caught it in his own. He squeezed it tightly before letting it drop.
I knew I had to say something, but I didn't know what. So, I said the first thing that came into my head. "I love you…" Oops… As soon as I said it I could feel my cheeks grow hot and I looked to the bed. I hadn't meant to blurt it out like that. I know that I had said it before, but still…
I had to look up when he placed his finger and thumb under my chin. He raised my chin so that I looked at him. He smiled at me and leaned in for a kiss. After breaking the kiss, he let go of my chin. "And… I think I … I …love you…"
My heart hasn't stopped fluttering still. Every time I remember what he said to me, I get the butterflies in my stomach and I feel extremely happy. But I'm not to naïve to think that things will always be easy from now on. I know there will be hardships ahead for the both of us, but right now, it seems that I've got my happily ever after.
I don't know if I'll write in my diary again for a while. I was only really using it to sort out my feelings… now I know what I feel, and I understand what my heart is telling me. I don't know how long this happiness I found with Sanzo will last, I only hope it will last for a very very long time. Should I need it, I shall once again use my diary as a way to sort through my problems, and to help me out.
So, for now… this will be the end of my diary.