Ask Drakken and Shego

By Galaxy1001D

Kim Possible and other Disney characters
are © Disney Co.

In a dimly lit Disney studio with somber colored walls, Drakken and Shego sat in director's chairs. A small end table with a stack of what appeared to be index cards was placed between them. When the lights came on to reveal them, they assumed cheerful demeanors and addressed the camera.

"Welcome to Ask Drakken and Shego," said the mad scientist. "Shego and I are pleased to contribute to the 4th season of Disney's Kim Possible, airing next year."

"To commemorate the event we are going to answer questions from viewers like you," continued his glamorous cohort. "We asked our fans to send us their questions, and now, at the end of the year, its time to answer some of them."

"This segment was originally going to be called Ask Doctor Drakken," the blue villain huffed. "But a lot of the questions were for Shego."

"What can I say," Shego gloated. "The people have spoken."

"If I wore a skintight outfit like you do I'd get more letters," complained Drakken.

"Whatever you say, Doc." Shego rolled her eyes. She then glanced at the camera and her expression brightened instantly. "Let's get to the questions, shall we?"

"Very well," said Drakken, picking up a card from the little table. "Our first question is from Madeline Fenton of Amity Park. She writes 'Dear Doctor Drakken, in the episode Crush you say that ninjas make more noise than Shego. Then in the first episode of A Sitch In Time, you say that Shego is a ninja. Is she a ninja or not?'" Doctor Drakken put his hand on his chin in thought. "A Sitch In Time, don't remember that one…"

"It that the time-travel one?" asked Shego. "None of us remember that one. History was changed and pushed it all into an alternate time line or something."

"Nggh!" grunted Drakken in frustration. "Time travel makes my eyes itch. Can we see a clip?" The villainous pair turned to view a small television screen that rose up behind them. A clip from A Sitch In Time was displayed.

Drakken: How did you know I was behind you?

Kim Possible: A ninja you're not.

(Shego pushes Kim into an Egyptian sarcophagus.)

Drakken: But she is! Hahahaha! High-five, Shego!

The scene froze as the television screen sunk out of sight.

"Oh for crying out loud!" cried Drakken in frustration. "I just meant that Shego can be very, very quiet okay? You people take things so literally! Haven't you heard of a little thing called poetic license?" The evil scientist tossed the card over his shoulder and picked up another from the little table. "Okay, Daniel Crane from Boston writes 'Dear Doctor Drakken, in the episode Bueno Nacho, you tell Shego while stealing the laser drill that phase one is complete, but later you tell Kim Possible that drilling into the molten magma beneath the Earth's crust is phase one. How many phase one's did that plan have?" Drakken's face grew livid as he tore the index card in half in frustration. "Nngrah! HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF POETIC LICENSE?" he shrieked.

"Take a deep breath and count to ten, Doctor Dee," consoled Shego, putting her hand on Drakken's arm in support. "If the general public are morons that just makes it easier for us to conquer the world."

"I guess you're right, Shego," said Drakken, calming down, "but let's hope the next question is a better one."

"Okay," said his lovely partner in crime as she daintily plucked an index card from the pile on the table before her, "here is a question from Amanda Stetson, from Arlington, Virginia. It reads 'Dear Doctor Drakken, in the episode Tick-Tick-Tick Kim started a chain reaction that blew up your island lair. Wasn't it totally destroyed? Why do we see it again in later episodes?'"

"You're right, Shego," said Doctor Drakken. "They are morons." He leaned back in his chair, took a minute to calm himself and cleared his throat before addressing the camera. "Believe it or not I repair my lair when it gets broken. The island lair is my main headquarters."

"Doy," added Shego. "We tend to think of it as home."

"The island lair is too important to simply discard after a little explosion or two," concluded the evil doctor as he picked up the cards and shuffled through them. "Ahh, here is a question from Sara Bellum of Townsville. She writes 'Dear Drakken and Shego, The episode Attack of the Killer Bebes, establishes that Drakken's name is really Drew Lipski, but what is Shego's real name?' Shego, would you care to field this question?" he asked brightly.

"Gladly Doctor Dee," Shego smiled cheerfully, then turned to the camera and hissed in a cold voice. "None of your business."

"Err um," Drakken cleared his throat nervously as he flipped through the cards. "Our next question is from Joseph Robertson of New York City. He writes 'Dear Doctor Drakken, in Kimmination Nation, Commodore Puddles is white and vicious, but in Rufus versus Commodore Puddles, he is pink and relatively sweet. What happened to Puddles?' Do you want to handle this question, Shego?"

"Sure Doctor Dee," said his glamorous partner. "Well, Robbie, its quite simple really. Those were two different dogs. The white Commodore Puddles made the mistake of biting me."

"You told me he ran away!" cried Drakken, pointing an accusing finger at Shego.

"Oh, he ran away all right," said Shego coldly. "But I caught up with him." Shego rudely snatched the cards from Drakken and there was an uncomfortable silence for a moment. "Okay, Acosta Perez Jose Ramiro of Cancun asks 'Why the villains can escape prison so easily? They're supposed to be guarded by Global Justice, so, the villains are smarter than they seem, or GJ isn't so effective.'"

"Who told you we were guarded by Global Justice?" Drakken asked the camera. "When we are caught we usually escape before our trial."

"Okay," said Shego flipping through the cards. "This question is related to another one and let's see if we can answer both of them at once…" She read a card. "Okay, Nicolas Stokes of Las Vegas, Nevada wants to know: 'In the episode Oh Boyz, why were both men and women in the same prison?'"

"Well, when that episode was shot we were being held in Arkham Asylum of Gotham City," answered Drakken. "As a mad scientist, I qualify as criminally insane, but one day, my genius will be recognized!"

"Yeah-yeah-yeah," interrupted Shego. "We get it. If you are wondering why I was locked up with all those loony tunes, let's take a look at a clip from my trial. Do we have a clip? Okay, roll 'em." Once again the villains turned to gaze at the small television screen rising up behind them. On the screen was the scene of a courtroom, and Shego's lawyer, Allen Shore addressed the judge.

Allen Shore: Your Honor, I move that my client be considered legally insane and not responsible for her actions.

Judge: On what grounds?

Allen Shore: Your Honor, I hold that one would have to be either stupid or insane to work for a villain as incompetent as Doctor Drakken. My client has already demonstrated her intelligence and talent before this court.

Judge: Very well, the defendant known as "Shego" will be remanded into the custody of Arkham Asylum in Gotham City pending a full psychological evaluation.

The scene froze as the television screen sank into the floor behind the villains.

"What?" protested Drakken. "What did he mean 'as incompetent as Doctor Drakken'? How dare he? He'll pay for this!"

"Oh, get over yourself, Doctor Dee!" shushed Shego. "Your so-called 'incompetence' was the basis of my defense! You've been in enough trials to know that lawyers will say anything to get their clients off."

"All right," he muttered, "but I want an apology."

"Fine, whatever," Shego rolled her eyes. "Anyway, going back to Acosta's question, anyone who has read a Batman comic book knows that Arkham Asylum is revolving door for us villains. People like us escape from that place all the time. Next question?"

"All right," said Drakken, picking up a card. "This question is for you, Shego. "James Olsen from Metropolis writes: 'In sixty-five episodes we have seen Kim's mother, Ron's Mother, Wade's Mother, Drakken's Mother, and even Doctor James Timothy Possible's Mother. Are Shego's parents still alive? If so, what are they doing now, and do they know that Shego is a villain?' Do you want to take this question, Shego?"

"Gladly, Doctor Dee," grinned Shego warmly, then her face grew cold as she looked at the camera and hissed between clenched teeth: "Leave my mother out of this!"

"Okay, erm, let's move to another question then," said Drakken nervously fingering an index card. "This question is from Timothy Turner of Dimsdale who writes: 'Dear Doctor Drakken, in the episode Ron Millionaire, you complain of insufficient funds to launch Operation: Catastrophic Doom, yet in the made-for-TV movie So the Drama you apparently have enough money for at least two lairs, weapons and genetics research, and the capital to take over a world-wide fast food chain. You had blown all of the money you stole from Ron on Operation: Catastrophic Doom, yet in So the Drama you're filthy rich. How did you pull that off?'" Drakken set down the card and smiled at the camera. "Well done, Mister Turner, did you come up with that question all by yourself? I'm rather proud of the answer to this one…" he glanced in Shego's direction.

"Go ahead, you've earned it," she waved dismissively.

"Remember Vincent Wheeler, the guy who stole all the Seniors' money?" Drakken turned to his beautiful cohort. "What was the name of that episode?

"Triple S," replied Shego.

"Oh, yes," continued the evil scientist. "Well it turns out that he stole from a lot more people than the Seniors. That guy was worth billions! Hahahaha!"

Drakken erupted into evil laughter.

"You'd be surprised how easy it is to hijack a private plane when you drive a flying saucer," added Shego as she put her hands behind her head and leaned back in her chair.

"Once we forced him to sign over his entire fortune to us we dropped him off at Senor Senior Senior's private island! Ha-ha!" cackled Drakken, "just in case Senior wants to train Junior in the fine art of torture! With access to his fundage I could finance my schemes in style. Heh-heh."

"Granted, after little Miss Perfect kicked our butts during the Lil' Diablo incident a lot of those funds have been going into our legal fees…" grumbled Shego. "But, hey, at least we came out with something!" she added, perking up. She picked up an index card and proceeded to read. "Okay, Charles Xavier of Manchester, New York writes 'Dear Drakken and Shego, could you define your relationship? The series makes it unclear if you are married, partners, lovers, friends, or employer and employee. Which is it?" Shego looked up and smiled evilly at the camera. "Wouldn't you like to know…"

"That's third question that you haven't answered!" growled Drakken. "If you're not going to answer the questions it should be called Ask Doctor Drakken instead of Ask Drakken and Shego!" The blue villain started to read another card. "Oh! Here's one that I've been dying to know myself! 'How is it possible for one to file their fingernails while they're wearing gloves?'"

Shego just ignored him, placed one leg over the other, and pulled out a nailfile out of the pouch on her calf.

"Fine," muttered Drakken. "If you won't answer the questions, I'll handle the next one. This question is from Anthony Denozo of Washington DC. He writes: 'Dear Shego, in the episode Go Team Go you tell your brother Hego, you quit his team 'years ago' but the twins were depicted as being grade schoolers. If they are that young now, how old were they when you were part of the team? Toddlers? Infants? Fetuses?'" he glanced over at Shego.

"'I'll handle the next one,'" she mocked using a whiney, childish voice.

Drakken inhaled deeply and then faced the camera. "All right, when Shego first came to work with me, she was afraid her brothers wouldn't approve of her career choice. I wanted to eliminate them but Shego didn't want them to die…"

"BORE-RING!" exclaimed Shego obnoxiously.

Drakken valiantly tried to ignore her and his speech began to speed up. "…So I used the Juvenator that I invented to turn them into babies. I only turned the twins into babies before Shego stopped me…"

"C'mon," chided Shego. "That is too complicated. Just say…"

Drakken continued to drone on as if he didn't hear her. "…Instead I used my Forgeto-ray to make them forget exactly where Shego went and place a post-hypnotic suggestion for them to break up their superhero team. Unfortunately, since I hadn't perfected the shielding on the Forgeto-ray, I forgot all about them also…"

"Drakken, will you SHUT up!" exclaimed Shego. "That explanation is convoluted, confusing and as boring an all-day marathon of Pokemon! Just say that the comet that hit our treehouse messed up our aging process."

Drakken paused in frustration, took a breath, and said lifelessly: "The comet that hit their treehouse messed up their aging process."

"I'm eighty-seven. True story," mocked Shego.

"Oh, get serious, will you?" growled Drakken.

"No, wait, I'm older than that," said Shego spiritedly. "Remember the episode Rewriting History? I was Miss Go. I helped Drakken's ancestor Bartholomew Lipski steal the electrostatic whatchamacallit…"

"If you won't take this seriously, I'm going to answer the rest of the questions by myself," snapped Drakken, shuffling through the remaining cards. "'Dear Doctor Drakken, in numerous episodes your scar seems to jump from your left cheek to your right cheek and back again. Is this some sort of super power?'" Drakken nervously gulped at the camera. "Er, uh, yes…" He then quickly read from another card. "'Dear Doctor Drakken, in the episode Crush why does the overlay representing the view from your Ultimate Robo-Warrior incorrectly identify Ron as Kim, and vice versa?'" Flustered, the evil genius lamely muttered "it's, uh, technical," before plunging into yet a third card. "'Dear Doctor Drakken, in Kimmination Nation, how could the Bonnie clone get the picture of Kim if she was behind glass? You had the picture!'" Helpless, Drakken glanced over his lovely cohort for assistance, but Shego just looked up from filing the nails on her gloves to give him a cold stare. "Er, uh, I'll have to get back to that one," he mumbled as he discarded the previous cards and shuffled nervously through the remaining questions. "Ah! Here's a good one… 'In The Twin Factor, why do Kim and Shego start chasing after Ron and Rufus when Drakken directly ordered them to attack the twins?' Oh, uh, I guess that question wasn't so good after all huh?" He smiled pathetically at Shego, but this time she didn't even look up from her nail filing. "Er, um, here's another one… 'I saw the episode where Rufus becomes a genius. Since when does Drakken have the strength to burst through a metal door?' I…uh…work out?" He grinned nervously at the camera, while tossing the two cards behind him. "Let's see…here's one! 'How could Ron carry 99 million dollars in his pocket?' I'll get back to that one!" he tossed the card aside and read the last card on the stack. "Ah! Cindy Lou Who of Whoville wants to know 'In A Very Possible Christmas, If there was no food in the garbage pod (except for a partially eaten drumstick), how is it that Dr. Drakken could make cupcakes? Where did Drakken get the Christmas decorations?' Nngrah!" Drakken shut his eyes, clenched his fists, and squirmed in his chair like naked mole-rats were in his underwear before jumping out of his seat and screaming at the camera: "BECAUSE WE MADE A MISTAKE, O-KAYYYY?"

As Drakken's raving became incomprehensible gibberish, Shego jumped in her chair in surprise when she realized the only camera rolling was doing a close-up on her. "Oh, uh," She stammered. "Look for new episodes of Disney's Kim Possible starting in January!" she said with a forced smile. "That's all for now! 'Bye!"