Disclaimer: Firefly and all associated characters are the property of Mutant Enemy. This story may not be sold or distributed on a profit-making basis, and may not be achieved without the writers express permission
Summary: River has some fun at Jayne's expense...
Dedications: Joe, for suggesting that Joss would never touch this with a ten-foot barge pole...
Setting: post Serenity, so all relevant spoilers apply.
The scream woke Mal from his daydream, and he looked round to see where it was coming from while his mind tried to work out just who it was that screamed like a little girl. River was the most obvious possibility, but he doubted that there was anything that could make his Little Albatross shriek in terror like that these days.
Kaylee was an option, but the only screaming she did these days tended to come from her room late at night, and tended to be a certain doctor's name, over and over again. Zoë didn't scream in anything but rage, and that was a rare occurrence, and Inara was way too composed to make such a sound.
That left only two people; Simon and Jayne. Mal smirked at the idea that anything could make Jayne scream like a little girl, and tried to work out just what it was that could have upset the doctor so.
"What was that?" right on cue, Simon walked into the kitchen area.
"Well, until a moment ago, I thought it was you." The Captain stood, his hand reaching for his gun, until he remembered that he'd left it in his cabin. He cocked his head to the side, "Do you hear..."
There was a loud crash as Jayne cannonball through the other doorway, screaming like a banshee. He tripped over Mal's chair and hit the deck face-first, but didn't even seem to notice the cut on his lower lip as he pulled himself to his feet and scrambled for the door.
"Tah mah duh hwoon dahn!" Mal looked as surprised as Simon, "Jayne, what in the blue-blazes is going on?"
"She ain't normal, Mal!" the big Merc pushed past Simon and disappeared off down the corridor, "She ain't normal!"
"Gwai-gwai long duh dong?" Mal asked Simon, and then looked round when he saw River walk in, a smug smile on her face. His eyes traveled down her boy in a bid to find out just what had startled Jayne, and stopped when they reached her flowing dress; the front part was sticking out in a rather provocative way. "Tsai boo shr!"
"Mei-mei?" Simon blinked as his sister reached under her dress and pulled out a large, bright red strap-on phallus and dropped it on the table in front of Mal.
"Tell Inara thanks." The young pilot turned and headed back the way she came, "I'll return the other stuff when I'm done with it."
"I can SO not have just seen that!" Mal shivered s he headed for the cupboards "I need a drink."
"How do you think I feel?" Simon looked pale, "I think I'll join you in that drink."
Gwai-gwai long duh dong? What the hell?
Tah mah duh hwoon dahn! Mother humping son of a b!
Tsai boo shr! No way!