Disclaimer: There are many fics that I will not admit to writing, this is one of them.
If I Were a Superhero, I would be . . .
"I don't know," Hermione said with a frown. "Spending a week at Beauxbatons seems like a great opportunity but . . ."
"What is it Ms. Granger?" McGonagall asked with a frown.
"I just don't like the idea of leaving Harry and Ron unsupervised for so long," Hermione admitted reluctantly. "Without my constant nagging they'll never do any homework and without me there to counter Ron's crazy ideas . . . well, who knows what he'll talk Harry into."
"They will do there homework or they will answer to me," McGonagall said sternly. "And I doubt that even those two could get into too much trouble in just one week."
"Well . . ."
"You are the only student that speaks French well enough to make this a successful exchange," McGonagall said quickly.
"I suppose you're right," Hermione agreed.
"Excellent," McGonagall said with a smile. "I'll make the arrangements."
Five minutes later . . .
"What?" Harry asked dully.
"We should become superheros," Ron said with a grin. "Dad found a muggle guide on fighting crime and I think we could use it to destroy Voldemort."
"I guess . . . but how are we going to get costumes?"
"I took care of that mate," Ron explained, pulling a bundle of clothing out of his trunk. "Had Fred and George make these."
"Great," Harry agreed.
"Here's the first one." Ron pulled out a white spandex suit with yellow lighting bolts going up the inside of the legs. "It makes the wearer super fast."
"And here's the second," Ron said proudly. "It causes fire to surround the wearer and let's them fly."
"Fly?" Harry said with a grin, "I'd like to use that one then."
"Sure mate," Ron agreed. "And here's the final thing . . . a portkey charmed to go anywhere. We can stop death eater attacks before they have a chance to do much damage."
"Ron . . . this must be your best idea ever."
"I know mate," Ron said smugly. "Good thing Hermione isn't here to talk us out of it."
"Yeah Ron," Harry agreed. "Let's get these costumes on and fight evil."
"No one can stop us now," a death eater shouted. He and his friends had decided to take the day off and terrorise Diagon Alley . . . hey, it was that or get crucioed by an angry dark lord, what would you have chosen.
"Except us," Ron yelled.
"Barrrg," Harry projectile vomited on the death eaters . . . portkey made him sick. Now, this had a good side and a bad side. The bad side was that he threw up, nothing good about that except the fact that his magic suit set it on fire and the burning vomit roasted half the death eaters.
Seizing his chance, Ron used his super speed to take the death eaters wands and fell them with a series of manly punches. "Good work The Flamer," Ron called out to his friend.
"I thought we'd agreed that I'd be Phoenix man," Harry said with a frown. "I don't like having 'The' in my handle The Wizzer."
"How about Flamo then?"
"I can live with Flamo," Harry agreed.
"Then good work Flamo," Ron shouted.
"Thanks Wizzer," Harry said with a grin. "Now let's be off."
"Wait," a conveniently present reporter called out. "How did you choose your names?"
"I'm the Wizzer," Ron replied. "Cause I'm a wizard that wizzes about."
"And I'm . . . er . . . Flamo, cause I've got powers of fire and what not."
"Now let's be off my loyal sidekick," Ron said quickly.
"I thought you were the sidekick," Harry protested.
"Why don't we take turns then?" Ron suggested.
"Fine," Harry agreed.
"Oh god," Ginny said with a blush. The girl was staring at a picture of the new duo of superheros protecting the wizarding world. "The Wizzer is so sexy."
"You're sick Ginny," Harry screamed. "Sick."
Across the channel at Beauxbatons, Hermione felt a chill go up the back of her spine.
"Eez Something the matter Ermione?"
"Ron talked Harry into doing something stupid," Hermione said with a frown. "And they're about to do something really stupid . . . and . . . and . . . oh god, they haven't done their homework."
"I'll get you a portkey back to Ogwarts," the french Professor said quickly.
The doors to the great hall burst open and the wizarding world's newest pair of superheros walked in leading a defeated, dejected, and shackled Voldemort.
"You've beaten me Flamo and the Wizzar," Voldemort said tightly. "Utterly and completely . . . this is a loss that I can never recover from."
"Good work men," Dumbledore said proudly. "I'll deal with him now." Dumbledore cast some sort of complicated spell, banishing Voldemort forever. "I just cast a complicated spell," Dumbledore explained. "Banishing Voldemort forever."
"Horay," Harry and Ron shouted. "High five."
"Oh Wizzer," Ginny said with a sultry look at her brother. "You're so sexy."
"Get away from me you freak," Ron fled from his amorous sister.
Meanwhile, Hermione appeared in Professor McGonagall's office.
"Ms. Granger . . . is there some reason you decided to return six days twenty three hours and forty five minutes early?"
"Where are Ron and Harry?" Hermione growled.
"They should be in the great hall right now, why?"
"Let's go," Hermione said abruptly.
"I assure you that everything is alright," Minerva tried to assure the young woman. "Really?"
"Oh?" Hermione asked as they walked into the great hall to find an amorous Ginny chasing around a masked figure.
"What's happening here?" McGonagall demanded.
"Flamo and the Wizzer just defeated Voldemort," a first year replied. "And now Ginny is trying to give the Wizzer a kiss."
"I . . . see?" McGonagall said uncertainly.
"Let me deal with this," Hermione said with a sigh. "Ginny, sit down. Ron, Harry take off those ridiculous costumes."
"Oh god," Ginny said sickly. "Ron is the Wizzer? Blarg." Ginny projectile vomited on several Hufflepuffs . . . who vomited on several more students, pretty soon everyone was vomiting on everyone else.
"That's enough of that," Hermione snapped.
"Our costumes aren't ridiculous," Ron said sullenly.
"Ron," Hermione said slowly. "You have yellow lightning bolts going up the inside of each leg, you look like you pissed yourself."
"Oh yeah?" Ron looked down at himself. "Well . . . I guess that's one way of looking at it."
"And Harry . . . you're infringing on someone else's copyright."
"Yes really," Hermione agreed. "I'm not going to say which one to stave off law suits."
"Ginny," Hermione said loudly. "Stop lusting after your brother, it's sick."
"And no more vomiting," Hermione snapped. "It's not healthy."
"Now that things have been settled," McGonagall said with a nervous grin. "Don't you think it's time you headed back to Beauxbatons?"
"I think it is Professor," Hermione agreed. "Harry, pack your things."
"What?" McGonagall said dully.
"Looking after two of them is obviously too much responsibility for you to handle," Hermione said with a frown. "So I'm only going to leave Ron this time. Make sure he does his homework and doesn't eat too much."
"Uh . . . alright then? But why are you going to take Mr. Potter with you?"
"I always figured I'd end up marrying one of them to make it easy to keep an eye on them both," Hermione explained. "My initial plan was to marry Ron and have Harry marry Ginny. But after seeing the way Ginny chased after her brother . . . well, let's just say I don't want to join that family now that I know how close they are."
"I thought it was Harry," Ginny protested.
AN: This was written to poke fun at the super controlling nag Hermione that crops up . . . and because it was fun to write.
Omake by SP
"Thank you Professor,
you've taken wonderful care of them. Harry only
JUST did his homework... about five seconds after he heard I came back,
and Ron STILL hasn't even started! HE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT IT IS!
Oh...and did I mention CRAZY SCHEMES!?!"
"Uh... Well... Um..."