Disclaimer: I own nothing!!!!

Author's Note: The story takes place in 2006, but on the inside of the house, it still looks like the early-mid 70s. And I spelt some of the words incorrectly so it will be easier for you to hear the characters voices.

Archie Vs. The War on Christmas

By Needles

It was Christmas Eve in Queens, New York, where we see the Bunker family do some last minute Christmas shopping. Archie, his wife Edith, their daughter Gloria, her husband Mike, and their baby son Joey were all in line to pay for their things.

"Thank you, and Merry Christmas," said Archie.

"Happy Holidays," replied the cashier.

"But I said 'Merry Christmas'," said Archie, starting to get annoyed.

"Happy Holidays," said the cashier.

"Why can't yous say 'Merry Christmas'?" questioned Archie.

"It's company policy. We don't want to offend any non-christians," stated the cashier.

Meanwhile, while going through the door at 704 Hauser Street...

"Because we don't want to offend any non-christians," repeated Archie, mockingly. "Do youse people know whose fault this all is?"

"Bill Clinton's," said Edith, Gloria, and Mike, all in an exasperated tone.

"Dat's right," replied Archie, angrily. "Bill Clinton and his pinko wife, Hitlery. Before they came along, none of this PC stuff would be happening."

"Hey Arch," said Mike. "I think you're over reacting about all of this. So he said 'Happy Holidays' instead of 'Merry Christmas'. It's not the end of the world."

"Yeah, Daddy," Gloria said. "Not everyone celebrates Christmas."

"I know dat, Little Goil," said Archie. "And of course it isn't the end of the woild for you, Meathead. You're an atheist."

"Oh, Gloria is right there, Archie," said Edith. "My cousin Lloyd is married to a woman who celebrates Hannakuh. And.." Archie cuts Edith off.

"Edith, can yous stifle yourself?" asked Archie. "Get me a beer!!" Edith goes into the kitchen to get Archie a beer. Archie turns on the TV.

"Get ready for the holidays," said the narrator on the TV.

"Ah, shaddup," shouted Archie. He turned off the TV and decided to turn on the radio.

"There's no place like home for the Holidays," blasted from the radio. Archie got really angry and pushed the radio off the table, breaking it. Edith runs into the room.

"Oh, here's your beer, Archie," said Edith. She notices the broken radio on the floor. "Oh my," she said. Ding Dong.

"Get the door, Edith," said Archie. Edith opens the door to reveal Louise Jefferson and her son, Lionel. They used to live next door, but then Louise's husband, George, got successful and they moved on up to the east side.

"Merry Christmas," said Louise and Lionel.

"Oh hi, Louise and Lionel. Merry Christmas," said Edith. She looks behind them. "Where's your husband?"

"Oh, George still hates white people. He won't even step foot in our neighbor's apartment, because the black woman living there is married to a white man," said Louise.

"Oh," said Edith. "I have some egg nog in the kitchen." Edith and Louise went into the kitchen for some egg nog. Archie went up to Lionel.

"Lionel, you think you could tell the meathead here how saying 'Happy Holidays' instead of 'Merry Christmas' is ruining this country?" asked Archie.

"Sure thing, Mr. Bunker," said Lionel, sarcastically. "Them pinkos are tearing the country apart by trying to get rid of Christmas."

"Dat's right," said Archie, clueless of Lionel's sarcasm.

"And then they'll get rid of Christianity and America will become a communist country. God only knows what would happen after that," continued Lionel.

"Why, that would be even worse than having a colored become President," said Lionel, as he tries to keep a smile on his face.

"Dat's righ-," Archie said, then got uncomfortable and stopped. He went to sit down.

"Get outta my chair, Meathead," shouted Archie. Mike got out of the chair and Archie sat down. Edith and Louise went back into the living room. Lionel decides to tell them why they came over.

"We're going caroling," said Lionel. "You guys want to come?"

"Oh we'd love to go caroling," said Edith. "Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Dat dat dat dat dat dat dat dat dat. Tis the season to be jolly. Dat dat dat dat dat dat dat dat dat." The Bunkers, the Stivics, and the Jeffersons got their coats as they went outside to go caroling.


The Bunkers and the Stivics walk in through the door. Louise and Lionel went back home to the east side.

"Ain't dat wonderful?" said Edith. "People seem to be so much nicer around the holidays." Archie gave Edith a look.

"I mean Christmas," said Edith. "Oh, I'm sorry, Archie."

"You know what," said Archie. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry the Meathead brainwashed yous."

"How's that my fault?" questioned Mike.

"Daddy," said Gloria. "You shouldn't blame everything on Mike."

"I'm sleeping on the couch tonight," said Archie, very disappointed with Edith.

The next morning...

It's Christmas morning. Archie woke up on the couch. Edith walked down the stairs.

"Merry Christmas, Archie," she said, giving Archie a kiss on the cheek.

"Merry Christmas, Edith," Archie said, smiling. The door bell rang. Edith answered the door. It was Mike and Gloria. Gloria was carrying Joey.

"Merry Christmas, Ma," said Gloria, giving Edith a hug.

"Merry Christmas, Gloria," said Edith, hugging her back.

"Merry Christmas, Ma," said Mike, giving Edith a hug.

"Merry Christmas, Michael," said Edith, hugging him back. Gloria went up to Archie.

"Merry Christmas, Daddy," said Gloria, giving Archie a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Merry Christmas, Little Goil," said Archie. Mike just stood there looking at Archie for a couple seconds before saying something.

"Hey Arch," said Mike. "Merry Christmas."

"Happy Holidays, Meathead," said Archie, smirking. Mike had a look of shock on his face.

The End